The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "To be a Christian necessarily means that the individual seeks philosophical, moral and spiritual harmony with the ineffable source of the manifested Universe" has died after a brief, two thousand year illness. The Opinion leaves behind millions of judgmental, stone-throwing, mote-in-their-enemy's-eye-seeking, homophobic, self-righteous, hypocritical, fear-based, dualistic followers without benefit of a high-horse to sit upon. Pity, that.

Born and raised in the Middle East (before taking up quarters in Rome) the Opinion eschewed formal schooling and practiced instead the art of wagging its finger, tilting back its head, furrowing its brow, arching its eyebrows and shifting its legs while telling anyone who listened that God was love and if you didn't believe it you would burn in an everlasting lake of fire. After looking down its nose at anyone who believed differently it brought its message of hope and terrifying anguish to the New World, cloaking the natives in shame and disease while spraying its urine on the local belief systems.

The Opinion eventually went on to give strength and comfort to its adherents in the New Land, people who didn't have the slightest idea why men had penises and women had Georgia O'Keefe paintings as their respective reproductive organs. An added bonus was that the contents of the Christian Bible were just contradictory enough to make the believers forget about fucking for upwards of forty-five minutes at a time, depending on the season. Another bonus to the theological fixations of New World Christians was their learning how bronze age Jews weren't nearly as funny as their descendants, but the Old Testament Yahweh wasn't exactly a shopping cart of laughs either, so there you go.

The Opinion spent its remaining years casting about for enemies in all shapes and sizes: gay marriage, women's right to sovereignty over their own bodies in a secular society, global warming, the scientific theory of evolution (as opposed to the non-scientific assertions of Genesis) to name but a few. As time passed, and as more and more self-described Christians behaved like the horny, avaricious little demons they claimed to despise, the Opinion could no longer sit in judgment on others without breaking into a deep and abiding guffaw. The Opinion passed away on December 8th of this year during a final fit of accidental self-reflection. It leaves millions of survivors in a collective state of abject reality.

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you judge others, cast stones, treat people poorly, do not tend to the poor or the sick, never turn your cheek, and don't treat anyone the way you would treat the titular head of your own belief system. That which you do for the least of them is your own dirty little problem.

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The Opinuary Column appears just about every gosh-darn Friday at Jesus' General.

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Dr. Dino's Dissertation

Kent "Dr. Dino" Hovind worked very hard to earn a doctorate from Patriot University. Here are a few excerpts from his dissertation.

In the beginning, there was a guy named Kent:

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976. I've been very active in the creation/evolution controversy for quite sometime.

Satan wants to rewrite Genesis:

In the twentieth century the major attack Satan has launched has been against the first eleven chapters of Genesis. He knows that the entire Bible stands or falls on the validity of these chapters.

But Kent keeps an open mind:

If the Bible says that something was created a certain way, then that is Just the way it happened. Now, as a science teacher, I want to keep an open mind and understand why, how, and when God created the earth, if those things can be known.

Sometimes "new knowledge" means "wild ass guess:"

Some things in this book I couldn't prove to anyone. I only ask that you realistically look at the ideas presented and ask yourself the simple question, "does this key open the lock, dc,es this answer the question?" If it does--it Just might be right.

Darwin, Satan, and Eve share an apple:

I would like to trace the history of evolution beginning with the fall of Satan from heaven, through the last six thousand years, to modern-day evolution, and explain what those teaching this doctrine have planned for the future.

To really understand the history of evolution, we have to understand the author. Satan is the master-mind behind this false doctrine. He was thrown out of heaven because of his desire to exalt himself to godhood.

Satan was a frustrated choir director:

I personally believe that Satan fell from heaven about a hundred years after the creation of Adam and Eve... He had been God's choir director since he was created. His desire to be God was thwarted when God cast him out of heaven.

Science hinders science:

In the mid 1500's, Galileo, under penalty of death by the Catholic church, had to recant his awful heresy of teaching that the moon was not smooth. He had dared to suggest that the doctrines of Aristotle as taught by the church could be wrong! He wrote a second book to say that he was wrong and that the moon was perfectly smooth...We face the same thing today. The faulty teaching of evolution is hindering scientific progress.

Voltaire consorted with the gay;

Voltair had a deist friend as a young man named Abbe de Chateuneuf, a bachelor and probably a homosexual.

Darwin's grandfather was fat like Michael Moore:

Another man that is very important as we trace the history of evolution is Erasmus Darwin, the grandfather of Charles Darwin. He was born in 1731 and died in 1802. He was an extremely fat person. In fact, he was so fat they had to cut a curve in the dining room table so that he could get up to the table.

Evolutionists just want to fornicate:

I think it is not a coincidence that people who are atheists or evolutionists frequently have a wicked lifestyle or at least a lifestyle against the plain teachings of the Bible. Therefore, evolution is an easy way for them to Justify their lifestyle. the problem is one of philosophy, not one of science. They don't want there to be a God because of their wicked lifestyle. That is their real problem.

Darwin invaded Poland:

Hitler was an evolutionist and it was the crazy doctrine of evolution that is fundamentally responsible for World" War II.

Kent really digs "Jupiter rocks:"

Bring back a Mars rock or a Jupiter rock, I'll eat it or lick it. There is no life on the other planet.

How we know the Earth is around 6000 years old:

By adding up the fact that Adam was 130 years old when Seth was born, and how old Seth was when his son was born, and so on, we can come up with a fairly accurate time. That would be about six thousand years ago...There may be some slight error. For instance, was Adam 130 and a half years old when Seth was born? Are the dates rounded off to the nearest year? Was it on his birthday when his son was born.

Elsewhere:

Dr. Dino blogs from jail.

Ali G interviews Dr. Dino.



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Mormons Show Catholics Their Balls

The Most Reverend Thomas J Tobin
Bishop of Providence

cc: Mayor Russell Wiseman
City of Arlington, TN

Your Excellency,

I was very disappointed with your appearance on Hardball a few weeks ago. You kept dodging Mr. Tweety's question about whether you support criminal penalties for women who shirk their duty to carry fetus-Americans to term. Your response seemed disingenuous and undercut your main message that Congressmen owe their allegiance to the Pope, first, and to the nation, second.

You could learn a lot from the Mormons. They aren't afraid to discuss jailing women who abort fetus-Americans. Indeed, one LDS legislator is vowing to rewrite Utah's compelled childbirth law to punish desperate women who attempt to abort their fetuses in secret.

He's angry about a desperately troubled teen who avoided the state's parental reporting requirement by paying a friend to punch her hard in the stomach. The fetus lived and the friend was convicted of attempted murder, but a judge set the teen mom free, ruling that the "Utah abortion law is 'unambiguous' when it states, 'a woman who is seeking to have or obtains an abortion for herself is not criminally liable.'"

Rep. Carl Wimmer (R-Vengeance) disagrees. He sees a lot of ambiguity in the statute and vows to "close that loophole for good."

I trust he'll do more than that. Indeed, I'm hoping he'll come up with a special punishment--perhaps the same one Arlington Tennessee mayor Russell Wiseman wants to institute against those who mock him: boil them alive and render their fat for fuel to light the city.

You might consider a similar punishment when you finally work up the guts to state what you actually want Catholic politicians to do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Bringing Leviticus Alive

Sen James Inhofe
US Senate
African Specialist, The Family
133 C St. SE
Washington, DC 20003-1807

Dear Sen. Inhofe,

As The Family's self-described African specialist, you must be heavily involved in fellow Family member David Bahati's effort to make homosexuality a capital crime in Uganda. Certainly, no member would make such a move without The Family's guidance and support. It's all part of what it means to be a part of The Family.

Why do so few Americans know about this important work? Why aren't you and other prominent Family members proudly telling the story of how you're bringing Leviticus alive in Uganda?

Your silence may eventually cause the bill to fail. The gay and their allies are already pressuring Obama and Clinton to intervene. They need to be shown that the American people support a final Biblical solution to the homosexual problem. Who better than The Family, the patriarchs of our emerging theocracy, to deliver that message.

It's time for you and the rest of The Family to put gay execution at the top of the national agenda by sponsoring similar legislation in the House and Senate. Let us fight about important Biblical issues rather than waste time on things like universal health care.

I'm sending you a pebble. Its purpose is to remind you that there's still a lot of work to be done. Keep it with you always. Finger it when you speak out in favor of the Ugandan and American bills. And when the talking's done, let it be the first stone cast.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Taking Action

Below are the names of known members of The Family. Tell them what you think of their work in Uganda by sending your own note and pebble to the C Street house.

Name
133 C St. SE
Washington, DC 20003-1807

Sen. Sam Brownback
Sen. James Inhofe
Sen. Jim DeMint
Sen. Chuck Grassley
Sen. Richard Lugar
Sen. John Ensign
Sen. Tom Coburn
Sen. Mark Pryor
Sen. Bill Nelson
Sen. John Thune
Sen. Mike Enzi

Rep. Joe Pitts
Rep. Todd Tiahrt
Rep. Frank Wolf
Rep. Zach Wamp
Rep. Mike McIntyre
Rep. Bart Stupak
Rep. Michael F. Doyle
Rep. Heath Shuler
Rep. Jerry Moran

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Tastes like Kenyan

Larry Sinclair
Candidate for Congress
Florida 24th District

Dear Mr. Sinclair,

You should consider retiring your slogan, "I have served my time, now it's time I serve my Country." Felony convictions and prison time are not the kind of thing that motivates the average person to support a candidate. You need to find something else upon which to base your campaign.

Sure, you'll have to address your criminal history--your opponents and the media will demand it--but you must do it in the right way. Rather than arguing whether you served 11 or 16 years, you should be stressing the more patriotic aspects of the crime. You're not a check forger and a thief, you're an uber-traditional capitalist like the contractors at Halliburton, the derivative traders at Goldman-Sachs, and the La Cosa Nostra's loan officers. Respond to inquiries about your criminal record accordingly, by loudly declaring the questioner to be a god-denying socialist.

As for the slogan, you're a celebrity and you should take advantage of that. I mean, hey, you're known for your claim that Obama put his manly source of white insecurity into your mouth--capitalize on that. Make it work for you. Imagine the support you would receive from the birther-American community if you declared, "Obama tasted like a Kenyan!"

That's the basis of your new slogan: "Larry Sinclair: The Only Man Who Can Testify That Obama Tastes Like A Kenyan."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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But the colors were incredible

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Invisible Texans Protect Us From Evil

Tedd J Petruna
Neutral Buoyancy Lab
NASA

Dear Mr. Petruna,

Thank you for your courageous actions to save AirTran Airways Flight 297 from being hijacked by Islamic terrorists. If you had not been on board, (OK, you weren't actually on board, but you know what I mean--if you had not been pretending to be on board) no one would have stopped foreigners from speaking foreign words into cellphones on the airport tarmac.

Who else would have noticed that the form of Spanish they spoke was grammatically identical to Arabic, or that their western dress was in fact the traditional Arabic thawb and ghutra an iqal, or that the two men actually numbered eleven? And who else would have known that terrorists always hold a semi-public showing of their home-made porn before they commit an act of terrorism?

You noticed all this remotely, from a thousand miles away.

But then, as you note, it's the kind of thing we should expect from a Texan. Our Glorious Leader (ret.), George W Bush, witnessed it recently. Photos from his Christmas party show his house packed with invisible Texans.


And that makes me wonder if Osama bin Laden might also hail from the Lone Star State.

Think about it. Here's a guy who plotted 9/11 from Iraq by being in Afghanistan and leads the current insurgency from his HQ in Afghanistan via his hideout in Pakistan.

My God, the man is as Texan as Tom Landry.

Someone should notify Debbie Schlussel.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
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Helping our own

Why enrich the big box stores and mega-I-retailers when you can buy from people who share our basic values. Please consider buying your Christmas books from Dan and Tammy and your stocking stuffers from Miss Poppy Dixon.

Can You Spare Some Change? Not in This America

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So Obama has approved a "surge" of troops in Afghanistan, ensuring that the war there will continue for the foreseeable future. This is coming after already dramatic troop increases, outstripping the pace of troop deployment throughout the Bush administration. Although Obama has denied that our commitment to war there is "open ended," talk is cheap. In fact, the only thing cheaper than talk may be the lives of Americans placed in the hands of America's ruling class which sees foreign wars as a means towards preserving and enhancing their power over the nation.

On a practical level, America's commitment is indeed "open ended" in that we have a standing commitment to use war in the Middle East to preserve the power of wealthy American corporations and individuals. This has not been renounced nor will it be. The Obama administration hasn't even renounced Bush's policy of making war on those who are no current or immediate threat. Quite the contrary is the case because the government has admitted that the Taliban is no threat to the U.S. and al-Qaeda exists in Afghanistan in tiny numbers, yet the entire surge of 30,000 troops is predicated on suppressing both.



Liberal Reactions

Liberals have been predictably disappointed, though they really should have seen this coming. The hope that Obama would take this opportunity to pull out of Afghanistan was an exercise in absurd naiveté. It's true that he promised change, but when has he managed to make genuine, fundamental changes that would alter structures of power or power relationships in America?

Pulling out of Afghanistan would take down by a couple of notches the power of the military and deprive many corporations — both private contractors and military suppliers — of significant income. This income is making such corporations very wealthy rather than going to fund jobs, building infrastructure, or providing health care at home. The Obama administration has shown little willingness to stand up either to the military or to industry, much less take away some of the source of their power.



Conservative Reactions

Conservatives were predictably underwhelmed, complaining that Obama isn't going far enough to follow the recommendations of military leaders. Glenn Beck inadvertently pulled back the curtain when he asserted that Obama was obliged to do what his generals wanted. Colbert mocked this idea that the generals outrank the president, but Beck merely revealed the truth that the president is expected to do what the nation's ruling class tells him.

Obama himself didn't even try to pretend that American troops are being increased for the sake of Afghanistan, for their democracy, or to help women. Such excuses have been used in the past to mask the fact that troops are there to serve American interests — though specifically the interests of America's ruling class, since the average American has no interest in Afghanistan but a lot of interest in money going towards health care or jobs rather than guns and armor.

The people in Afghanistan and Iraq certainly aren't benefiting from our support of corrupt governments which brutally oppress women and gays, which ignore basic human rights, and which are barely distinguishable from the governments we overthrew. Thus the conservative criticisms of Obama's announcement can be seen as concern that he is being insufficiently obedient to what the ruling class is telling him, but as far as I can see he's doing everything they demand and more.



Deploying Troops & Funds for the Ruling Class

America's ruling class wanted massive bailout funds for a few select banks and investment firms without any strings attached, and they got it. They wanted no return to the old financial regulations which would have prevented the current economic crisis, and they got it. They want the government to retain the power to spy on, arrest, and detain Americans on a whim, and they got it. They want an international copyright treaty that will transfer to copyright holders unprecedented power over consumers, and they will likely get this as well. You don't think that they also want a series of open-ended foreign wars?

War abroad creates excuses to use the state security apparatus at home. War creates profits for well-placed corporations and individuals, transferring wealth via the government from the dwindling middle class to the ruling class. This also comes with the added bonus of depriving the government of funds that might go to programs that would enhance the health and welfare of the rest of us.

War creates an outlet for the jobless, allowing for higher levels of unemployment without as much risk of social unrest — and what's left can be more effectively contained by a militarized police force which enjoys broader powers in the context of the government's war policies. Finally, it's clear to those who study the issue that a principle driving force of international terrorism has been hatred and resentment against America — not because of our "freedom," but because how we and our proxies invade, occupy, and brutalize Muslim populations. Continuing war and occupation in Afghanistan thus effectively preserves and enhance the very excuses needed to stay there.

Extended war in Afghanistan serves all the interests of the ruling class and none of the rest of society. It will waste more resources, destroy more lives, increase debt, and reduce the ability of the American economy to ever provide a stable, secure future. Even worse, it will make it easier for the U.S. to move on to the next conflict, maybe Iran or Pakistan, just as being in Afghanistan made it easier to move into Iraq.



What Did You Expect?

For the amounts we're spending to make war in Afghanistan, we could probably just bribe enough Afghans to make a significant impact favorable to the U.S. and still have change left over. However, bribing Afghans doesn't put money in corporate coffers, doesn't make American workers feel more insecure, and so doesn’t further any of the interests of America's ruling class to acquire and exercise ever more power over an ever more submissive society.

The government is made up of people who have to live in the same society as everyone else, which means that they — and thus also the government — are subject to the same social, political, and class pressures as the rest of us. One of these pressures is the obvious and natural self-interest we all have to survive: to provide for our families, to make our future somewhat predictable and stable, and to find ways to ensure that our children do better than us.

The people who can best provide all this are the people with the most money, and thus the people with the most money are the ones with the most influence over the decisions and actions of government officials. They constitute the ruling class because they have the most influence, direct and indirect, over all the decisions which affect everyone's lives: political, economic, social, cultural, religious, etc.

Some politicians are conscious of the fact that they are being bought and paid for — that they are making decisions favorable to the wealthy because that ensures future economic security for themselves and their family. Some are in denial, rationalizing their decisions by telling themselves that what's good for wealthy corporations must also somehow be good for the working classes whose own economic stability and power somehow manages to keep shrinking anyway.

Obama is not making fundamental changes that many liberals hope for because he knows he works for them, not for us. Yes, he was voted in by the people but he convinced them to vote his way with money raised primarily from the upper class and corporations. What's more, you and I won't be giving him or any of his family a well-paying, high-power job when he leaves office, nor will any of us be giving him millions to speak at local rotary clubs and schools.

All of that largesse will come form the wealthy corporations and organizations which are benefiting from his policies — or perhaps I should say his one policy of generally retaining the status quo. If you really want change you can believe in — genuine, fundamental change rather than tinkering around the edges — don't hand power over to someone whose long-term comfort and security depends on the good graces of those whose power depends on there not being any of those changes you hoped for. Making changes requires having power and you frankly don't. So if you want to make changes, you have to take power from those who already do have it and who are determined to hold on to that power in order to prevent the changes you believe in.



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Department of Book Reports: Interfictions 2

Second Life truly is an amazing place that has reinforced my belief it is indeed a Small World. I've had the pleasure of meeting a couple authors I know in Real Life, and one of them, Ray Vukcevich, has been most gracious in helping set up an author salon for Lacamas Reading Hall. I met Ray back in the day at Seattle Mystery, when we had the signing for his delightful novel The Man of Maybe Half-a-Dozen Faces.

Monday night, Dec 7th at 6pm PST/SLT, five of the authors of Interfictions 2 will gather to discuss their Intersticial Fictions from the short story collection Interfictions 2 (Small Beer Press, $16.00).
Delia Yorfle (Delia Sherman) is the co-editor of this volume and explains Intersticial Fiction:

What is interstitial art? It is art made in the interstices between genres and categories. It is art that flourishes in the borderlands between different disciplines, mediums, and cultures. It is art that crosses borders, made by artists who refuse to be constrained by category labels.

Erin Terrawing (Erin Underwood) is the Vice President of the Intersticial Arts Foundation, who sponsored this project.

Cecil Soup (Cecil Castellucci) will discuss her story The Long and Short of Long-Term Memory. Mason Leitner (F. Brett Cox)brings us Nylon Seam and its accompaniment music. Capricorn Brewster (Carlos Hernandez)has the delightfully titled The Assimilated Cuban’s Guide to Quantum Santeria. Sardonicus Optera (Will Ludwigsen)has Remembrance is Something Like a House. Ookami Moonwall (Ray Vukcevich)rounds out the evening with The Two of Me.

Each copy of Interfictions 2 ordered through our store will receive a special signed bookplate, that I will send later. The bookplates are being mailed from one author to the next and I will drop them in the mail as soon as they are available.I have a special offer for orders placed here: enter the code FOG (stands for Friends Of the General) in the ask the bookseller a question tab, and I'll include a free Advance Reading Copy of something delightful.



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