You'd never see anything like this in the Louvre

You know the French don't appreciate a fine work of art like this.

President Bush responds to questions about recent drug use

President Bush, leader of the free world that doesn't include foreigners, Mexicans, or Democrats, angrily replied to Tom Shales' column in which he suggests that the President seemed to be on drugs during last night's press conference.

Here's an audio clip of the President's response. It was recorded during a meeting between the President and the Washington Post's Editorial Board. Thankyouverymuch.

The President also responds via his blog.

First there's Jesus, then there's Smith and Wesson

I had one of the best mornings of my life today when I shot my new Smith and Wesson .50 caliber handgun for the first time. It was great. That beautiful piece of weaponry is absolutely HUGE! I've never shot anything like it.

It was almost like a religous experience -- like when Benny Hinn slams your forehead with the power of Jesus and you're so overcome with emotion that you fall to the floor in a twitching mass of boneless flesh. That's the best way I can describe how I felt.

I bought it two days ago after my neighbor Mike had angered me by taunting me with his bulge, but the damned Klinton waiting period prevented me from getting it until today. I was so excited that I got up at 3 am and stood outside the gun shop for 5 hours. Once I finally got it, I had to shoot it immediatly, so I went out into that vacant lot behind the school and fired off a round right there.

It was great. I was all aquiver as I wrapped my short, thick fingers around its rubber energy absorbing grip. After slowly coaxing it's five chamber cylinder open, I fumbled a bit in loading each powerful, long, round, heavy cartridge into it's own snug receptacle. I was now ready to fire. I raised the pistol as if it was the hand of God's wrath and gently caressed the trigger, applying pressure until, in a glorious round of thunder, my 440 gr. wadcutter bullet burst from the weapon's 15 inch long smooth hardened steel barrel. All of my synapses fired simultaneously. Endorphins coursed through my brain. Up became down. My legs deflated and I fell to the ground. My little soldier pumped my essence involuntarily as I shouted out the Lords name.

I laid there for 15 minutes unable to do anything more than smoke a cigarette. It was by far the best shooting experience I've ever had.

Godless French lawyers are trying to shut down the White House

It looks like the French have sunk to a new low and are now trying to shut down the White House. I think it's time to strike back at those stinking snail-eating sovereignty poodles where it hurts them the most, their philosophers. That's why I'm answering Neal Pollak's call for a day without Satire. It will do us all a bit of good to be rid of Jean Paul for a day. It's always "'The bourgeoisie this' and 'the bourgeoisie that' - he's like a little child sometimes". Damn commie. Anyway, I'm going to shut down on April 1st in solidarity with whitehouse.org. Spread the word.

Have you ever noticed how the French all wear those really tight pants and lacy shirts. It's like they are trying to shove their masculine sexuality down your throat. You'll be standing there, trying to get a plain cup of American coffee at one of those sissified latte stands and a Frenchman will begin to taunt you with those firm round taught cheeks squeezed ever so tightly in those cute little shorts. You try to look away and say a short prayer to our Lord and Saviour begging for the strength to resist, but they have this mojo -- this "homomojo" -- that takes control of your mind. You soon become lost in thoughts of hot homosexual sex.

Your heart races as he uses that old pickup line, "excuse me" while maneuvering around your sweating, panting expectant body. You follow him. He begins to playfully tease you by running. You pick up the pursuit, although your "little soldier" is now wide awake and standing at attention straining against your zipper making it painful to keep up. This is God's way of helping you. He's trying to slow you down. Still, you make headway.

Your mind is overcoming the pain as it begins to anticipate the ecstasy that is to come. Then, the Frenchman runs up to a policeman, gesticulating wildly in your direction, and before you can slip away, you're placed under arrest. He's used his mojo to discredit you because of your work in the churches and the militias. Satan wins another battle, but you'll keep fighting. The war is far from over.

TV aides our President

President Bush's plan to kill Saddam

The Minnie Pearl Memorial Homland Security Awards

     

She may no longer be with us, but Minnie Pearl, the Mariah Carey of the militias, lives on in the Homeland Security Award ("Minnie") I've created to memorialize her. Minnies are awarded for acts that strengthen our ability to beat off terrorists...hmm...uhh, yes, we give it to folks who do things that make our great nation safer. I should also note that the fact that I named this award after a beautiful woman proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not a homosexual. I don't think I can stress that enough.

Today's award goes to US Department of Energy mega-contractor Washington Group International for creating the Barrel Lock. You see, low-level nuclear waste and transuranic (radioactive waste with fatter atom thingies than those uraniums) waste is stored in ordinary 55 gallon drums. The Barrel Lock is clamped like Mick Jagger's lips onto the lids of these drums so that they can't be opened and their contents used to make "dirty bombs". Each lock comes equipped with a gps system and satellite data transmitter so that the owner can track the barrel's location, temperature, and condition. No price is given, but I suspect each unit can't cost more than a few thousand dollars.

The real beauty of the Barrel Lock, however, is the psychology behind it. The developers know our enemy. They understand that since Muslims are foreigners like the French, they don't have the intelligence to just quickly open the barrels by cutting though the bottom or sides with an acetylene torch. It's government contractor thinking at it's finest. I hear that the Department of Energy's 2004 budget will shift even more of its work to contractors. Privatization is great, isn't it. It's God's work.

Letter to WA State Rep. Lois McMahan and Rep. Cary Condotta

Dear Rep. McMahan and Rep. Condotta

I'm glad you walked out on that unbeliever during his so-called prayer. We're a Christian nation. We don't need no stinking Allah worshippers coming around here with their fancy ideas about brotherhood and asking their hoity-toity Middle Eastern God of Abraham to bless our legislators.

Jesus is just alright with me. If he was here right now, I bet he'd have spit on that Muslim bastard. Heck, I bet he would have kicked his butt just like he did with the money changers in the temple. Man that would be cool to see. It would be like wrestling except Jesus would be totally undefeatable. He could like do a flying pile driver from the ropes onto Allah while kicking Mohammed in the Dome of the Rock. That would be so cool.

Whoops, I'm getting a bit off topic. I was wondering. I have this idea that I sent to Sen Sessions in the US Senate. I think it would work well on the state level too. You see, the longer this war goes on, the more the people's morale starts to fall. I was thinking that we could do this television show -- maybe on TVW -- where we get some of those Godless Muslims they have locked up in Cuba and put them in a cage and then we let a randomly chosen citizen like me taunt them and poke them with a pointed stick. What do you think? Can you draft up a bill like that?

God, America, and Multi-Level Marketing

Recently, a friend of mine took me to an Amway rally. It was absolutely beautiful--a true celebration of God and the GOP. There were flags everywhere. Jesus' words and Rush's wisdom flowed freely from the podium. We sang, yelled, and chanted until we became too horse to speak. We stood, we jumped, we swayed until we lost all the feeling in our bodies, losing our self identity to became one with capitalism, God, and Republican America. They truly are one in the same. Praise Jesus, the dollar, W and that laundry soap you can use to brush your teeth.

As I came back down to Earth from those spiritual heights, I began to realize that Amway very well may be the key to world peace. We need to take it to Iraq. We need to take it to Iran. We need to take it to North Korea and France. Once we introduce these foreigners to Jesus's very own home-based business, we'll see peace.

Saddam wouldn't be making weapons of Mass destruction if he was working to become a Diamond. Once he saw the glorious promise of capitalism, he'd drop his worship of Allah and bow down before Jesus and the God of Abraham. We cannot deny our Arab brothers the opportunity to join our uplines. They need to to hear the message of multi-level marketing.

Of course if they reject it, we could still nuke the unbelieving bastards.

My favorite weapons: the BGM-109 Tomahawk Cruise Missile

From time to time, I'll use this space to talk about my favorite weapons systems. They are what makes war so cool.

Let's start off with the BGM-109 Tomahawk Cruise Missile. It's a beauty. 20 feet long and straight with two small fins standing out like veins against muscle, this powerful little penetrator thrusts out of its tube in a cloud of pulsating white hot fury, slicing through the air like a spear through warm jello until it plunges its rounded, sensitive head into its destination releasing its 1000 lb payload in an unrestrained eruption of explosive ecstacy.

I'd could go on all night about this wonderful weapon, but I need to step out for a smoke. Maybe I can talk more about it later.

The five purdiest mouths in America

Often, it takes more than plump luscious lips to make a purdy mouth. The ability to spin a good yarn is important too. That's what this list is all about. The following folks have mouths that aren't only physically purdy, they're also able to convince us of things that would seem absolutely ludicrous if they came out of someone else's mouth.

Number 1: Presidential Spokesman Ari Fleischer

From calling Ariel Sharon "a man of peace" to declaring that leaders of other nations are not buyable, the man can sell just about anything.

Number 2: President George W. Bush



When our President tells me that Saddam bin Laden plans to launch evil robotic aircraft against us, I have to admit It scares the hell out of me.

Number 3: US Secretary of Obsequiousness Tony Blair



He promoted a college thesis into a reason to go to war.

Number 4: US Secretary of State Colin Powell



He was able to convince me, and much of America, that when bin Laden asks the people of Iraq to rise up against their socialist infidel leadership, he really means that he is working hand in hand with the dictator of Iraq.

Number 5: Militia Morale Officer Sheila



Sheila doesn't speak, but she has a purdy mouth. The men who serve under me love her. That said, if she could speak, she'd probably tell a bunch of damned lies about me. She isn't to be trusted.

A presidential welcome

I want to be the first person to welcome President George W Bush to the Blogosphere.