Email to Tom Ridge

Dear Secretary Ridge,

A few years back, my wife started serving that hoity toity French bottled water. She thinks drinking the stuff with a slice lemon in it makes us classy. I resisted at first, but finally gave in when she replaced the dainty little lemon with a manly hunk of beef jerky. It just seemed less sissified and more American that way.

I'm starting to wonder if the Frenchies put something in that water which has polluted my precious bodily fluids. You see, my "little soldier" has not been able to stand at attention for years now. I've always attributed it to damage I received when Klinton's agents repeatedly tried to place a transmitter in my rectum while I was held illegally on a tax resistance charge. I'm starting to question that assumption now that I've come to the realization that France is the source of all that is evil.

Do you think it's possible that France has tampered with the water in an effort to make our great nation less manly? Please look into it. You might also ask Sec. Rumsfeld if he's been drinking French water. He always seems so angry. There must be a reason for it.

It's time for Mr. Freedom

In Washington DC, fine God-fearing Congressmen like Walter Jones and Bob Ney, pushed less important legislation aside as they mandated that the congressional cafeteria change the names of french toast and french fries to freedom toast and freedom fries. God bless them. It's time we took their fight further by removing the last vestiges of frenchism from our popular media. Let's start by telling Warner Brothers Television president Peter Roth to dump "Family Affair" star Mr. French and replace him with Mr. Freedom.

Here's his contact info:
Peter Roth (Pres. WBTV)
300 Television Plaza
Burbank, CA 91505
peter.roth@warnerbros.com

I sent him the following email. Please feel free to copy it.

Dear Mr. Roth,

I was happy to learn that you are airing a remake of one of my all time favorite television shows, "Family Affair," the story of a couple of bachelors whose lives are turned upside down when they suddenly become the wards of three orphaned children. It's a wonderful show, or at least it was wonderful until recent anti-American acts by foreigners turned one of it's main characters into a virtual propaganda vehicle for those who wish to destroy our great nation.

Where once I looked upon Mr. French character with respect, I now see him as a representative of all that is wrong with the world. I think it's time you did something about it. If our Congress can clear its busy schedule to change the name of french fries to freedom fries, surely, you can spare a couple of minutes to write a memo directing that Mr French become "Mr. Freedom."

Mr. Roth, the eyes of America are upon you. Please don't let them down.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

The President's secret roadmap for Middle East peace

It looks like the President has posted the details on his blog.

I'm on leave until Friday

President Bush has invited me to bring my extensive collection of gladiator movies to Camp David. It'll be great. There's nothing quite like watching two muscular sweaty men locked in the embrace of manly combat, grappling each other roughly until one drives his long hard sword into the inviting flesh of the other. It gets the old juices flowing.

Safeguarding the rights of Fetus-Americans

I see there is going to be another abortion vote in Congress, but I can't say I'm very excited about it. Sure, I'm pro-life and I think life begins when the the sperm cells are made. That's why I never spill my seed upon the ground. I keep it in dixie cups in my freezer. Every one of those little sperms has the potential to become the President of the United States or even a fiddle player like Charley Daniels. But, I'm getting off track.

The reason I'm not excited about new legislation limiting abortion is because I think we have too many laws as it is. There has to be a better way to do it. We've been very successful so far giving Fetus-Americans the same rights as the rest of us. The US Department of Health and Human Services now officially calls them "unborn children" and gives them all the rights regular children have. It's a good start. We can finish the job by giving them the ultimate right: the ability to exercise their Second Amendment rights in defense of their lives.

Yes, I think it's time to arm Fetus-Americans. It's the only way we'll ever be able to guarantee their safety. No anti-abortion law will do it. The fetus' hosts will just go into a back alley if it's illegal; however, if you arm that fetus, no back alley abortionist is going to dare to go messing around in there. An armed Fetus-American is a safe Fetus American.

Sure, it won't be easy. Fetus-Americans aren't very smart. They touch themselves inappropriately. They don't see very well, and they have a hard time controlling their movements. They're going to need a lot of training. The NRA is very good at this kind of thing. Their Eddy the Eagle program for children is outstanding. I'm thinking they could use the lessons they've learned there to create a Ziggy the Zygote program. They'll have those little bastards nailing gynecologists in no time.

Terrorists among us

Defense Policy Board Chair Richard Perle called journalist Sy Hersh a terrorists last night on Wolf "his name isn't really Leslie" Blitzer's "Let's Pound on that Sissy Iraq" show on CNN yesterday. Today, the commies are all saying it's because Hersh reported that Perle had given Israel secret information when he worked for the late Sen. Scoop Jackson (D-Boeing). I don't believe it. I think Mr. Perle really believes that journalism can be an act of terrorism, and if he believes it, that's good enough for me.

That got me to thinking that there are probably other terrorists masquerading as regular Americans. We probably see them every day and don't realize it. Once I sat down and thought about it, I came up with a list pretty quickly. Here it is:

Mrs. Adams. She was my first grade teacher and she was mean as heck. She once broke a pointer by hitting my desk after I lied about breaking Alan Parker's dump truck. Her first name, Artis, sounded French, although to be honest, I never saw her wearing a beret.

Paulie Walnuts from the Sopranos. I think we can all agree that he taunts us all with his masculine good looks and bulge. There is no question that he's attempting to recruit us into a life of debauchery, and by doing so, undermine our nations moral values.

Waylon. You stole my favorite goat. You terrorist jerk.

Pauly Shore. There is something about that first name. Have you ever watched one of his movies. He's an evil sadist.

That guy who cut me off in traffic. Definitely a terrorist. I have his license number and I'm giving it to the FBI. I hope you're reading this Mr "HGB 375". Attorney General Ashcroft is going to have a few words for you after he gets done with those bastards that have been giving Michael Savage such a hard time.

The President is a bit under the weather tonight

I know that some of you liberal socialists will accuse him of being on drugs again, but remember, he has a cold. How many of you have been a little wierd after you've taken cough medicine?

Ashcroft vs Reno

I've been hearing a lot of people complaining about John Ashcroft lately. They whine that he's spending resources locking up Tommy Chong when he should be going after criminals. They call him a prude because he made Justice cover up her breasts. They portray him as being a nut because, as a profoundly religious man, he thinks calico cats are possessed by Satan.

Have these people forgotten Janet Reno? Our nation became a pig wallow of permissiveness under her. During her entire eight years of service, she didn't hold a single citizen incommunicado without bring charges against him or denying him access to a lawyer. That's no way to administer justice. It certainly isn't the Republican way of doing it.

Let's look at some of the changes that have occurred under Mr. Ashcroft's watch:

much of the government information previously available upon request is now considered secret and cannot be released to the public

the government may watch over what you read and arrest librarians who tell you they're watching

the government may monitor federal prison jailhouse conversations between attorneys and clients, and deny lawyers to Americans accused of crimes

the government may search and seize Americans' papers and effects without probable cause to assist terror investigation

Americans may be jailed without being charged or being able to confront witnesses against them.

Reno never protected us in this way. She was lax in her responsibilities. Even her name connotes a certain amount of permissiveness. When I think of the word "Reno," I think of gambling, prostitution, and a big muscular hairy man named Gunther who with Satan's assistance forces middle aged militia officers to commit numerous unspeakable and unnatural acts.

Ashcroft, on the other hand, is a regal, orderly sounding name. Say it slowly "A s h c r o f t." It virtually screams "ORDER." I like that. Order is very important to me. Order is a central theme in conservative philosophy. When I think "Ashcroft", I think "order". When I think "order," I think "M1/A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank." Now that's a name that exudes nothing but order. Heck, it more than just the name, it looks like "order." It inspires order from it's beautifully formed armored undercarriage to its huge 120mm M256 Smooth Bore Cannon that can pump it's HEAT armor penetrating rounds all night long.

If we put an Abrams on every street corner, by God we'd have the kind of order General Ashcroft is after. We wouldn't have all these unAmerican traitorous liberal scumbags taking to the streets questioning Our Leader's foreign policy. Everyone would become the right kind of American then.

Axis of Evil Update

Once again, events prove the wisdom of our President's actions. In last years State of the Union speech, he listed North Korea and Iran as members of an "Axis of Evil" who may justifiably be attacked under his then new doctrine of preemption. N. Korea immediately responded by breaking it's anti-nuclear treaty with us and began to build nuclear weapons, demanding that we enter into a non-aggression pact. It now looks like Iran is doing the same, thus proving that the President was correct.

Our President is a foreign policy genius. I certainly feel safer today than I did three years ago.