Reading is good.

President Bush learns that the vernal equinox is not a disease.

Someone sends me a letter for a change

I'm officially big time. Cable newsman Roger Walters reads my blog.

Dear (I use "dear" in a purely fraternal heterosexual way) Gen Christian,

I've been perusing your blog while traveling with the 7th Cavalry through Central Iraq. All day long, I've been reading your words while transmitting pictures of this mighty army rolling in the direction of Baghdad, only stopping briefly to empty my urine bottle and to photograph the golden locked commander of Apache Troop, Capt. Dirk Steele. He is Adonis in camouflage, Mars draped in kevlar. He is our leader, our stern daddy with a riding crop always at the ready. He rides an iron stallion, a magnificent steed who seeks out the enemy with its mighty phallus, erupting in furious spasms as it rains Gods own justice upon the head of the evil ones. It is the work of the righteous and I'm proud to be a part of it.

You too, serve. Your words keep the morale up at home. I am a journalist and must remain objective, thus I am forced to write in neutral terms as I did in my report above. It would be unethical for me to introduce bias into my reports--to "cheerlead" if you will. You are not encumbered in the same way. You fight this war with words. Keep up the good work.

Heterosexually yours,

Roger Walters

George W Bush, Man of God

That French bastard Atrios linked to an article quoting Commerce Secretary Don Evans as saying that President "Bush believes he was called by God to lead the nation at this time." Leclerc, Atrios real name, seemed to think that was a bad thing. That's the French for you. They'd rather deny the indisputable fact that George W Bush is God's anointed representative than admit that our nation is favored above all others.

I don't think there is any doubt that the President is God's mighty and powerful sword. He is the staff that smites the Amorites. He is the jaw of an ass that will later be wielded to smite the Perizzites, Hivites, Jebusites, and finally, the god damned Caanaites.

Then it shall be time to turn his furious love onto those among us who defile America with their doubts. The path of The Righteous Leader is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the unbeliever and the thoughtcrimes of the evildoer. Blessed is he, who in the name of righteousness and preemption, lays waste to the weak in the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the defender of goodthink. And Thinkpol will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and unleash its furious anger upon those who would attempt to poison the minds of our brothers. And you will know His name is the Lord when He lays His vengeance upon thee.*

*Thanks to Orwell, Perle, Coulter, and Tarantino

Is Saddam bin Laden creating a race of Islamabubbas?

Tom at Funny Farm has the evidence.

Don v. Saddam

This isn't the first time Sec. Rumsfeld has gone into battle against Saddam bin Laden. This photo from the 1980's shows the Ruminator applying his patented "Gipper Deathgrip" on the most evil dictator who ever lived. Unfortunately, he was rescued by that rotten French bastard, Andre the Giant.

My work for the Cheneys may finally pay off

I've been doing freelance intelligence work for the Cheneys for a couple of years. You see, I'm a list maker. I compile lists of people who say things critical of the government and then pass them onto Lynne Cheney. You might remember how one of my lists made the news couple of years ago when Mrs Cheney's American Council of Trustees and Alumni released the names of disloyal college professors and others who had aided our enemies by advocating for peace.

Well, my work has finally paid off. Lynne's people gave me a call today and asked me if I'd be interested in working to rebuild Iraq. It seems that little Billy-Lynn Cheney, the Cheney's six year old grand-nephew, was just awarded a small $27 million contract to set up lemonade stands throughout the country. I've been tapped to help little Billy-Lynn with security.

This is a great opportunity. Summer is coming and it's going to be hot there. People will be thirsty. We should do well. With the war and all, there are fewer Iraqi children to compete against, and Dick and Lynne will control the flow of lemons into the country. We'll be able to corner the market.

I won't say how much I'll make. Let's just say that even after I kick back 25% to Dick and Lynne, I'll still do very well. This war really has made life better.

The President visits the Cheneys

And learns more than he ever wanted to know.

National Make Fun of the Cheneys Day

I hear it's tomorrow. Coincidently, I'll be posting about a new business relationship I'm entering into with the Cheneys tomorrow as well. I hope nobody thinks I'm making fun of them.

I like the Cheney's. I'd never make fun of them. Lynne's kind of hot. So is Dick. I say that in a purely heterosexual way. A man should be able to say that Dick is hot without being criticized. It doesn't mean I'm a homosexual. I like Dick. I can say Dick's kind of purdy in a manly way and still not be a homosexual. I'm all man, dammit. You can ask anybody.

Thank you Nicholas De Genova

He's the guy who wished "a million Mogadishus" onto our troops. Why am I thanking him? Well he gave us conservatives a three-fer. He gives us an excuse to go after intellectuals, war opponents, and Europeans. We couldn't do much better than that unless he was also a Black Muslim.

Of course he's a nut and not representative of any of those groups, but that's not the point. His rant allows the mainstream conservative media to bring the war home. David Horowitz cited his words as evidence that anti-war protesters are traitors. Heck, the NY Post even editorialized for a reenactment of Kent State. Good for them. They're our voice. They speak for us.

Saddam bin Laden speaks with the fishes

I think the recent defection of Takoma the mine finding dolphin tells us where the loyalties of marine creatures lie. If they're not with us, they're against us.

I'm sending the following email to Secretary of Commerce Don Evans. The agency responsible for marine creatures, the National Marine Fisheries Service, is a part of the Department of Commerce.

Dear Sec. Evans,

I was saddened to learn that Takoma, a dolphin employed by the Navy to seek out mines, has gone AWOL and may have defected to the enemy. I think this incident gives us a clue about where the sympathies of our so called "friends of the deep" lie. If they're not with us, they are against us and marine creatures have consistently told us that they are not with us.

Look at the salmon. They're trying to destroy our economy by refusing to return to our rivers to spawn. They have your National Marine Fisheries Service jumping trough hoops to do their bidding.

They, along with many other fish, are also trying to subvert the moral fiber of this great nation. Have you ever noticed that "O" shape they make with their mouths? Disgusting. No man can look at a fish's mouth without thinking about a certain deviant practice--a practice which is usually only engaged in by godless liberals like Bill Klinton. Without fish around to tempt us, no conservative would ever contemplate such immoral acts.

The fish have cast their lot. It's time to take the war to them.