My own deck of Bush [holy] cards

Liberals have been blaspheming against Our Leader by putting Him and His administration on playing cards like they were common foreigners. These liberals just don't understand the depth of the love the people have for Our Leader. They don't believe Rush when he says:

We love Bush because of what he means to the nation and the Constitution... We are in awe - and we are happy to have a president who can fly a fighter jet.

I agree. That's why I've created my own set of cards -- indeed, holy cards -- honoring Our Leader and the conservatives who serve him. I've created three so far -- Our Leader and Dick Cheney, Sen. Santorum, and Sec. Rumsfeld -- but more are in the works. Please feel free to cut them out to give to your kids as a reward for memorizing Nixon's Checkers Speech or some other work from the conservative canon.

This is my rifle...

Dear. Rep DeLay,

I'm writing you about this here semi-automatic rifle ban legislation. I'm against it. I need a semi-automatic rifle if I'm ever going to bag a perp. If you make it illegal, I'll never kill anyone. I'll be the only guy in the neighborhood who hasn't nailed a perp yet. Mike's starting to call me a sissy boy. I'm thinking that he might be a secret perp, himself.

You'd love my semi-automatic rifle. It's a .50 caliber Barrett M82A1. Man, it is huge. I feel like a God when I press its 57 inches of rock hard steel against my body, gently coaxing the trigger into its release point when the .50 BMG cartridge explodes in a violent orgy of power driving it's 800 gr. wadcutter load down the length of the barrel, gushing out in a spurt of uncontrolled glorious power. I'm left spent and quivering for what seems like hours afterwards, barely able to do anything more than smoke a cigarette.

It's is a good feeling. It's about the only joy I have now that my "little soldier" has stopped standing at attention and I'm no longer able to fulfill my marital responsibilities. Please don't take it way from me too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Followup Question to Sen. Santorum

Dear Sen. Santorum,

I appreciate your hard work fighting the scourge of homosexuality. You're a man's man and I'm proud to call you my senator.

I've been following the controversy about your recent comments in regard to making homosexuality illegal. I applaud your gutsy stance. Those who violate God's laws should be severely and unmercifully punished by our civil authorities.

Your comments about dogs, however, stirred up quite an argument between me and some of the boys. I say "man on dog" means some kind of sick sex act. My friend Mike says it's more than that. He says it includes things like when you pack peanut butter in your rear end and then let Butch, your australian shephard, lick at it with his tongue.

I don't see that there's anything wrong with that. It's really no different than having him lick my face and I mostly never allow him to get around to the "north side" if you know what I mean. What's more, since it's not actual sex, it doesn't matter that Butch is male. I mean it's not like I'm doing some kind of homosexual on dog kind of thing. I'm no pervert.

What do you think? Are you OK with this. Would you like to see pictures of me and Butch? He's a fine dog.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Republican Jesus Links

2004 Campaign
Character Assassins
Communion for Kerry
False Messiah
Karl Rove is a faithful servant
Kicking Mary (The RNC Kicker)
Still, Small Voice
Swift Boat Veterans for Soft Money
Zell

Cindy Sheehan
Pastor Bill cites chapter and verse
Vacationing with the Lord at his ranch in Judea

Christian Persecution
Christmas under Siege
Satan's Filibuster

Christian Values
Blessed are the ideologically correct
Bring me the ears of Hugo Chavez
Bro. Rove, Bro. DeLay, and Bro. Geoffrey D. Miller
False Witness
FCC
Go Fucketh Thyself (Cheney's blows up)
Hate is Love
Jesus DeLayed
On the sixth day, God blamed a staffer
Let him who is without genocidal tendencies cast the first stone
Priorities
Red State Jesus
Slavery is Freedom
Suffer the little embryos...
Tom DeLay does the Lord's work
Tsunami relief


Christmas
A few words from the birthday boy
Reason for the Season
Stand up and fight for Christmas

Compassion
Beggers
I Got Mine
It's Jesus Day
No Greater Love (Part 1,394)
The new social safety nets
Tsunami relief

Corruption
A tithe from Medicare
Blessed are the credit card companies
Istook Amendment
No-Bid Contracts
Whoregate

Democratic Values
Acts of the Apostles
Blessed are the Chekists
Burning the village in order to save it

Eliminationism
What's a Santayana?

Gannon
Blessed are the harlots
Jimmy Jeff Gannon Guckert: he's no cartoon sponge

Gays
A Beatitude for David Dreier
Box Turtles
Kicking Sodomites in the Nads
Republican Jesus packs a rod

Greed
Eye of the needle
Greed is Good

Hurricane Katrina
A Katrina trinity
Parable of the Samaritan and the FEMA Contractors
The perks of class
The pork barrel of compassion

National Security
National Political Security

Plame Affair
Bro. Rove, Bro. DeLay, and Bro. Geoffrey D. Miller
The first talking point

Social Security
Rove, Dobson, and Christ
Smite Thy Neighbor
The new social safety nets

Stem Cell Research
Blessed are the embryos
Frist's Embryo-Americans

Supreme Court
Adding depth to the bench
Priorities

Torture
Abu Ghraib
Bagram who?
Blessed be the Veep
Blessed is CNN
By their works...
Dittos from Republican Jesus
Fighting activist judges is stressful
Love thy neighbor
Parsing the President
Republican Jesus' Romanian Tour
Suffer the Little Children
Torture Memos

War
Blessed are the conscripts
Blessed are the embryos
Blessed are the Resolute
Collective punishment at Fallujah
Dick's Sensitivity
Don't make Republican Jesus cry
Hiding Prisoners from the Red Cross
Hiding the war dead
Jude 1:2 (Revised November 2004)
No Greater Love
Mercenaries
Prince of Peace
The greater sacrifice
The Salvador Option

Women
"Women Who Make The World Worse"
Women's Studies in the Heartland

Other
DLC Judas
Flag Worship
Israeli Spy
"who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war"

Teens are having sex after the prom

Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but according to the nice bouffanted ladies at Concerned Women for America, it's true:

The mythology and fantasies about prom night have somehow morphed into peer pressure to “lose” virginity at the prom –– as though virginity is something undesirable that you “get rid of” as soon as possible instead of a gift that a couple gives to each other on their wedding night.

Back in my day, we took precautions so that we we wouldn't be tempted. I recall my prom night like it was yesterday. Bobby came over before we picked up the girls. We both knelt down and prayed to the Lord to give us strength to fight the fornication demon. Then we spilled our seed upon the floor. Of course we watched each other while we did it so that no thoughts of females entered into our minds -- that's how you guard against the sin of fornication-by-thought. Once we finished the preparations, we picked up our dates. Neither of us were tempted to do anything sexual with the girls. We didn't even dance with them. It was wonderful. Kids now days just don't understand how great a sexless prom night can be.

Jay and Jane's vast political wisdom

Jay Caruso and Jane Finch are in a class by themselves when it comes to insightful political commentary. I don't think there is anyone else in the blogosphere who is as adept at defining and explaining complex political issues. They are indeed among our deepest political thinkers.

A quick look at today's posts proves my point. Jays comparison of John Kerry's appearance to that of Lurch from the Adams Family was masterful. The implication that he is as ugly as a television monster certainly negates any advantage Kerry might have over Bush in regard to domestic policy. Kerry might as well pull out now.

Susan Sarandon would be well advised to exit public life along with him after what Jane wrote today. In a single sentence, Ms Finch brings the whole anti-war movement to its knees by declaring that Sarandon has the eyes of a Chihuahua. The movement is in a shambles. Quakers are cursing God and the Dalai Lama is buying an assault rifle as I write this. That is the power of Jane's keyboard.

Check out Jay and Jane while you can, I doubt they'll be posting for long. They are the stuff conservative talk radio is made of.

Christian exorcist Bob Larson provides some great advice

From his website: "Make sure that toilet facilities are readily accessible, and never let the victim go into the rest room alone, once the demons have been aroused...I've had demons manifest once the victim in a trance state, the demons kept the person in the bathroom for hours..."

I've always blamed it on Mrs. Christian's cooking. Now I know the truth. Demons are responsible.

Judge makes ruling consigning children to Hell

Arkansas judge Jimmy Larry Hendren told God to kiss his behind when he ordered the Cedarville School District to put Harry Potter books back on school library shelves. The books had been removed from general circulation at the request of good God-fearing people who objected to the occult nature of the Harry Potter series. By issuing the decision, Judge Jimmy Larry -- how can someone with such a fine conservative Christian name be so evil -- basically consigned the children of that school district to Hell.

I know just how evil this Harry Potter business is from my own personal experience. I don't hold much truck with reading, but I do like to go to the picture show. That's where I saw a Harry Potter movie. It was all about the occult. All of the major characters are witches and wizards and such. That's bad enough in itself, but even worse, the movie bewitches viewers. That's what happened to me.

There is this one part in the movie where a troll gets into Harry Potter's school. This troll was big and ugly and carried a huge club. The club was kind of long and thick and it kind of reminded me of a man's "little soldier" -- that was how Satan bewitched the movie. He made it so that you get thinking about men's thingies while you're watching it.

Anyway, Satan got me to thinking about how the club was kind of like a man's "private johnson," and that kind of got me thinking that the troll probably has a mighty big dingus, himself. I mean he was a huge guy. It was probably a foot and a half long. Before you knew it, my own crippled little soldier was standing at attention -- something that happens very rarely since Klinton's goons tried to implant transmitters in my behind while I was in tax prison.

Well, Satan worked on me and before long, I had my hand down my pants working old Buford like all get on while watching this troll in the picture show. The widow Nelson saw what I was doing and ran off and got the manager. He got there just as I was yelling the Lord's name in a moment of ecstatic weakness. He escorted me up to his office where he and a couple of ticket takers beat the living hell out of me and called me a pervert. I tried to explain that it was Harry Potter's fault but that just made them angrier.

I was happy when the cops finally showed up because even if I went to jail, the beating was going to end. I was wrong. The cops joined right in.

It was the worst night of my life, and it was all Harry Potter's fault. Those stories take control of the mind. There is nothing you can do to stop it. That's why we have to keep the books and movies away from folks.