Your money and my pockets are the only things standing between Hillary and the White House

Hillary's book goes on sale Monday. It's her first step toward the the White House. You can help me stop her by visiting the begging section in the lower right-hand column of this page. It's going to take loads of contributions to good conservative organizations like mine to stop her.

The case for war begins on Monday

One hundred fifty years of shame is enough. Beginning Monday, we will make our case for war against Pender Island, British Columbia.

Byting Back

I can no longer access one of my favorite enemy blogs to conduct surveillance. I click on my link to Byte Back, but it never loads -- it just gets stuck in this wierd twilight zone of perpetual loading (kind of like my life in the late 70's). I wrote the Frenchman in charge, a fellow named dimn, and got this message back:

SMTP module(domain excite.com) reports:
host xm says:
554 Service unavailable; Client host [209.225.8.29] blocked using blackholes.excite.com; We have recently received a large number of abuse complaints regarding your account (and/or yo

It just ends like that. It makes you wonder if the little typing man at excite.com was murdered before he could give me the vital information I need to access that blog. Strangely enough, I think the Mariners were losing their first game in 10 outings at about the same time. Coincidence? I think not. I suspect the Clenis™.

Anyway, someone write dimn and tell him I'm not abusing him -- although I do believe he once rudely commanded me via my comments section to write more, the stinking French bastard.

Thanks for sticking up for good Christians like Eric Rudolph

Dear Mr Ponte,

I've listen to the Lowell Ponte show on the radio for years. You're the kind of libertarian I like -- it's all pocketbook issues and Clenis™ bashing rather than that liberal keep-the-government-out-of-my-private-life baloney.

Being the big fan I am, I was happy to learn that you write for David Horowitz's frontpagemag.com. It's one of my favorite sites. It's how I keep abreast of all the mischief the Blacks and Arabs are up to. Why just today, frontpagemag reported that an Arab was caught with 32 razor blades. Can you imagine that? What is the world coming to when swarthy non-Christians are running around with razor blades in their pockets?

Well, I suppose I should get the point of my letter. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your column about how the arrest of Eric Rudolph was but the latest example of the Klinton's war against Christians. It's gone on for far too long. I think it's time we put a stop to it.

Of course it's hard to convince others that it's a problem. Every time I try to talk to someone about it, they just back away, and start talking about restraining orders and stuff. They just don't understand how purely evil the Klintons are. You do though. It's all there in your column where you write things like this:

Hillary [I like calling assertive women by their first names too--it put's them in their place] is rumored to have tried but failed to have the Postal Service stop issuing its traditional Madonna and Child stamps around Christmastime. An FBI agent who served in their White House has written that the Clintons’ upstairs Christmas tree, unseen by the public, was one year decorated with sex and drug paraphernalia such as condoms and heroin syringes. This helps us understand Bill and Hillary’s attitude towards Christianity.

and this:

'An immense multitude was convicted,' wrote the Roman historian Tacitus (Annals, 15:44) of these Christians killed by Nero, 'not so much of the crime of firing the city, as of hatred against mankind.'

In other words, Christians under Nero as under Bill Clinton were hunted because, as one Christian journalist noted, they were declared by the ruler to be guilty of the crime of 'hate.'

The Public Broadcasting Service, PBS, recently made the intriguing argument that the Emperor Nero was right to persecute Christians. (PBS, as Public Broadcasters of Socialism, always agreed with Clinton and did all in their power to undermine the Christian Right and its values.)

Wow. That's powerful stuff. I have to wonder, however, if you ever do more than write about it. Do you try to speak about these things to people. If so, do they also back away and then start talking about restraining orders too? How do you get past their resistance? I could really use some advice. Oh, and if you haven't tried it yet, I've found that waving my .44 just seems to aggravate the problem.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Sammy and the Clenis™

Private CW Parts writes:

General Christian, sir, I want to speak to you regarding a topic which is of grave concern -- and that is the most recent appearance of The Clenis (TM). As usual, the liberal media are their usual wishy-washy, sissy self in ignoring it! And as always, it threatens us!

The other day I started hearing about a man named Sammy Sosa who is a baseball player but sadly not American. Now, when I first saw this man, I immediately noticed the way he stands firm with his strong legs wide apart, and then thrusts his long hard black bat back and forth in attempt to drive home man after man after man. Several hours later, when I stopped noticing this, I realized that people were concerned about cork in his bat. This Sosa character is of the foreign persuasion, so I had no reason to believe him. (BTW, I think he's French, and black!) He was going on and on about mistakes he'd made and I was laughing at the funny way he said words and then was thinking that we should deport him back to wherever he came from mostly for not speaking English good.

Well, I am a righteous American (SWGFCM - Single White God-Fearing Christian Male - in case you were wondering) and know what I know and I know that as they showed that video over and over, I came to the chilling realization that that was no cork, but The Clenis (TM)! Now this Sosa, being foreign, was therefore simple and naive to the ways of The Clenis (TM), which must have risen up like a crafty slick cobra and mesmerized him as he was adjusting himself and sucking on a wad of tobacco. Sosa must have seen this long wood and thought to himself, "I must have that piece in my hand." (I have pictured this scenario many times since yesterday and have drawn pictures as well that I would like to share with you sometime.) He had no choice by to grab it and rub it up and down and then take his strokes.

Now, there are two sad parts to this incident. One, the liberal press is again ignoring the seductive and destructive power of The Clenis (TM). Two, The Clenis (TM) is clearly at work to destroy the great American game of baseball -- perhaps leading to such commie abominations at 2-hour games and tickets under $30. And third, the saddest part of this is that this strong young man has been humiliated, and so has, by association, his former owner -- Our Leader. You see, I heard that Our Leader once owned this Sosa character when he was in Arlington, TX (part of the Metroplex - the great bulge beneath the Bible Belt, I like to say!). But I believe Our Leader in his wisdom, after this Sosa had worked in the field for him for several years, swapped him for another man of equal value. (By the way, I inquired into purchasing this Sosa character to work in my field, but I understand that he is too expensive.)

Well, I don't need to tell you what this all means!

So, in conclusion, General Christian, I want to tell you that I am a strong and able young Private, endowed with the manhood and stamina you require to grasp The Clenis (TM) and squeeze it until we are sweaty and spent and The Chenis (TM) is merely a limp quivering mass unable to destroy more virile young men like this Sosa. I understand that you are my Superior and that I should be punished harshly for addressing you so informally. (I willingly will submit to whatever is due me.) But your writing has aroused and excited me so many times, I had to speak.

In Our Leader's grip,
Private C.W. Parts

I followed up on your information, and I learned that Rep. Tom Delay (R - Nuremburg) had ordered the Emergency Terrorism Response Team to X-ray the bats Sosa used on his way to breaking the home run record. Unfortunately, Rep. Delay found that the bats had indeed been enhanced by the Clenis™ (see x-ray below). Is nothing sacred? Must the Clenis™ corrupt all that is good in America?

Thank you for alerting me to this. I like the cut of your jib, soldier. Do you ever dress up like a gladiator?

Too bad I'm already married

Intelligence doesn't come easy for me. Gathering it is one of the hardest jobs I have as a militia general. It's difficult. It makes my head hurt. It isn't faith promoting. Every once in a while, however, I find something that makes it all worthwhile. That's what happened this morning as I did my daily read of enemy blogs.

Today, I discovered that Mac Diva, the Frenchwoman behind mac-a-ron-ies -- a blog named expressly for the purpose of mocking my manhood-- wrote about a woman named Sam who's responsible for something called Cry Me a River. I immediately fell in love with Sam's prose. It's the kind of writing that makes my conservative heart flutter with excitement. How can any right-careening heterosexual not be moved by poetry like this: "Liberals like to stick their hairy asses up out of the ground, spew their gas, drop their turds, then run back underground for cover." It's absolutely santorumian in its beauty.

That's just the beginning. In a later post, she cuts through all the hype that surrounds Jesse Jackson to point out the sad truth. People love him because he's black. It's a common problem. I'm surprised Sam is the first person to write about it. Everywhere you go, people are cutting blacks slack because of the color of their skin. Sales clerks follow them in stores in case they need something. Cops are always helping them to the ground and using billy clubs to kill any spiders that might be on there clothing. And everybody knows they get all the good pimp, prostitute, and criminal gigs in movies and TV. Sam is right. It's a black man's world.

I'm sure her beauty goes beyond her way with words. She says she's a lesbian, but that's OK. Danny Thomas was a lesbian too, but he looked like a white man and he was a Christian, and his daughter Marlo is beautiful. If I was single, I'd probably make a play for her. That is if she is as hairy and muscular as I picture her to be.

Ari Fleischer, Press Advocate

Jim Romenesko found this exchange between Howard Kurtz and Ari Fleischer on a "Reliable Sources" transcript:

KURTZ: In the various closed door meetings in this building, when press strategy is discussed, when are we going to put something out? Are we going to open this meeting to reporters, that sort of thing. Do you see yourself as being an advocate for the press?

FLEISCHER: I do. And that's one of the hardest things for anybody to understand about the press secretary job. My job is to be their advocate inside here, to try to get more access, to try to have interviews and questions, things of that nature.?

Now, I'm sure there will be a few liberals who'll say that Mr. Fleischer is stretching the truth a bit, but they're wrong. I don't think there is a press man-secretary in history who has been a better friend to the press. Mr Fleischer has worked hard to represent the interests of everyone from Rush to Fox News to the Washington Times and the Weekly Standard (which is run by that guy who played on that worldly Soap TV show--I'm glad he repented) inside the White House. I doubt they've ever had a better friend than Mr. Fleischer. He gave them all those scoops about Iraq's WMDs and how the poor will benefit from tax cuts. They didn't have to do any work at all. That's how accommodating Ari was.

Liberal church violates law in effort to keep guns out of its pews

Without regard to the safety of their congregation, the liberals who lead the Edina Community Lutheran Church have decreed that no guns will be allowed in their chapel. Furthermore, they are violating a recently passed state law, by failing to verbally notify each person who enters the church that guns aren't allowed. Instead, they posted signs announcing the restriction in the parking lot. They apparently believed that discussing guns at the chapel doors wasn't fitting. That's liberals for you. They're turning church into a sewing circle.

I can't imagine going to church without my piece. I like to stroke it's long steel barrel as I pray. It provides me comfort in a way my Saviour can't. I mean, how could I defend myself against an armed collection plate robbery if I wasn't packing.

Worse yet, what if a group of radical homosexuals invaded the church like they did in that cathedral in New York a few years back. Sure, that time they only yelled things at the Cardinal, but next time they may try to have their way with the deacons. They might bend me over the alter and force their hard pulsating manhood deep inside me. Yeah, I'd fight, but without a gun, my struggles would only excite them more, causing them to grind even harder and deeper and deeper and harder and deeper... I'd be left with but one defense. I'd have to clamp down on my sphincter muscle and hold them there until the police arrived.

Just thinking about it now I can almost feel their broad muscular hairy chests scratching against my back while their hot wet breath starts a shiver in the base of my neck that shoots like a .44 down my spine. And there is nothing wrong with the fact that such thoughts bring my little soldier to attention. Private Johnson is not aroused by visions of rough man sex. No, it's the eventual combat that I find exciting. Really.