The French have me in their sights

Jesus' General is a finalist for a Koufax in the "Most Humorous Blog" catagory. Humorous? What the hell do they mean by that? Obviously, the French are trying to trivialize my work by pretending that it's not serious. The way the voting is going, I may even win. Bastards!

Behind Enemy Lines

My post is up at The American Street. Go over and post a comment so those damn Frenchmen at TAS don't tease me.

How I saved five men from the fires of hell with nothing more than a fistful of serpents

Last Monday, Our Leader commanded Congress to pass legislation to allow funding for faith-based programs in prisons. It was a wise move. These programs work. I know, because I ran a faith-based program that has been 80% successful. That figure may rise to 100%, once my brother in Jesus, "Runt," completes his parole.

It was only a pilot program, run by myself and Brother Elvis, a lay preacher who serves as my militia chaplain. Since it was a test, we started out small with only five prisoners. We picked people who hung out together in the same club--they called it the Brotherhood--so that we could get right to work without having to set aside time for the prisoners to get comfortable with each other. They were a tight bunch who liked to be called by their nicknames, Wolf, Berserker, The Hammer, Runt, and Viking.

We planned on doing ten three-day sessions, but we found that we only needed one. We fasted and prayed the first two days. It was tough. They didn't like being hungry. At one point I had to make Berserker vomit up Runt's tongue. They made it through it though. God bless them.

By the third day, the depravation of the fast had put them in the proper spiritual state for worship. We begin playing old timey worship music on our boom box at full volume. Soon, we were all dancing and praying and speaking in tongues--except Runt, of course.

We asked them if they were ready to accept Jesus into their hearts and become our brothers in Christ. In unison, they babbled "yes," each using a different dialect of the language of Adam. It was then that Brother Elvis brought out the serpents as the bible commands. Quoting Mark 16:18, Brother Elvis said"They shall take up serpents."

Our new brothers stopped dancing and grew silent.

"They will not harm you if you have faith," he continued, "come, each of you, and grab hold of a serpent."

Berserker, pushing Runt forward, shouted, "he'll go first."

Brother Elvis quickly placed the biggest diamondback into Runt's tattooed hands. The serpent rattled and hissed, but did not strike. Runt's faith protected him as he stood their frozen, silently screaming and staring into the diamondback's obsidian eyes.

Seeing this, Viking and Wolf each reached for a copperhead but were bitten immediately. The hungry Berserker had already grabbed a cottonmouth and was trying to bite it when it struck, sinking it's fangs into his knife-scarred face.

Viking tore the serpent from his arm and threw it across the room where it sank it fangs into the prostrate body of The Hammer, who had collapsed in a feint the moment Runt touched the diamondback.

All we could do now was pray. We asked Jesus to bring them back if it was his will. He heard our prayers, but decided to give them an early graduation. They are no longer in prison. They passed the program and are in a better place. As brothers in Christ, they barter smokes with Jesus now.

Our Lord and Savior was not as kind to Runt. Our last surviving brother had to wait for graduation; however, his wait was not long. The parole board released him in exchange for a promise that he'd never speak about the serpents to anyone.

I suspect that the men on the parole board were secular humanists or Catholics or Mormons or some other non-Christians. They don't want the world to know about our success. Fortunately, it is too late. Our Leader knows what a good faith-based program can do. I doubt I'll have any trouble getting more funding.

Wictory Wednesdays

The General's signed up to participate in Wictory Wednesdays. It's a way I can help Our Leader achieve victory over the dark forces of progressivism this November. Participating blogs pledge themselves to post something every Wednesday asking people to volunteer or donate to the Bush2004 campaign.

This week, I'm asking our readers, who volunteer, to wear the robes of the Ku Klux Klan while performing their volunteer duties. It's a fine Christian organization that has fervently fought for conservative values for many many years. Much of our Leader's base support comes from folks who share the Klan's views and we need to ensure that they get involved.

For those of you who wish to donate, I'm asking that your donation be a good Christian meal of loaves and fishes. Yes, a few slices of bread and a nice carp will provide a campaign staffer with both a nice meal and an opportunity to reflect on our Savior's words--just ignore the part about peacemakers. You can send your donation here.

It's OK to experiment in Mexico

Our leader responds to those who criticized him for saying that Scott Reid is pretty. He also prepares for war against Canada.

Our Leader likes his men, purdy

Ive been receiving lots of letters lately about Our Leader's observation that the Canadian Prime Minister's spokesman was purdy. Here's how the Globe and Mail described it:

Mr. Bush wandered over during Mr. Reid's chat with the Prime Minister. Mr. Reid introduced himself and shook hands with Mr. Bush.

"Well, what do you do for this guy?" the President asked as he pointed to the Prime Minister.

"Well, you know, sir, I can't really say," Mr. Reid said. "It's not that I don't want to. It's just that, you know, I don't really know from day to day."

This is true. Mr. Reid handles a number of files and performs a number of different duties, depending on the issue and the day.

The President chuckled. "Well, you got a pretty face," he told the surprised Mr. Reid. He wasn't done. "You got a pretty face," he said again. "You're a good-looking guy. Better looking than my Scott anyway."

Some of my readers have suggested that Our Leader was flirting with Mr. Reid. I've forwarded their emails to the Justice Department--except the ones from little girls; those, I sent them to the College Republicans (see below). I won't tolerate treason.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging a man's beauty. How many of us haven't thought that Karl Rove has a purdy mouth or that Richard Perle has a nice butt. I mean, we've all hung out in the locker room at the gym and celebrated manhood by snapping a towel against an extraordinarily fine, muscular piece of inviting man-flesh. So what if we might steal a few glances at a particularly luscious little soldier while doing it. That doesn't mean we're homosexuals. It's just what real men, manly men, do, and lord knows that Our Leader is that kind of man. He's a cowboy from Texas, after all.

Dear College Republicans

Dear Jason, Chris, and Ruth,

I just read how you organized an attack on a Democrat rally in Iowa. It sounds like you all had a great time. Jason, was it you or Chris who assaulted the woman? Whoever it was, good for you. We can't allow silly notions like chivalry to get in our way when there are Democrats to silence.

I can't tell you enough how much I love the antics of you College Republicans. It seems like you're always there to gag those who might say unpatriotic things about Our Leader. I'm sure He appreciates it.

Inasmuch as the College Republicans are the guardians of the Homeland, it's important that we all do what we can to keep the organization strong. That's why I created the attached poster. I'm pretty proud of it. I think it'll be a great recruiting tool. My only regret is that I had to place words over the youth's bulge, but then I guess bulges can't speak for themselves.

Recruitment should be your first priority now. We'll need a bodies when the campaign heats up. Hopefully, Dean will be our opponent. David Broder says most of his supporters are little girls. You've already proved yourselves in battle against them. Heck, I'd bet on College Republicans to win a fight against little girls nearly every time. You're just that good.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC. Christian, Patriot

Letter to Northwest Airlines Directors

Dear Director,

I just finished reading about how your company provided its customer's personal information to the government. Now, most of your passengers might call that an invasion of privacy. They're likely to be very angry that you were turning over such information at the very moment you were denying doing so.

I say screw them. You were facing a financial crisis. You needed those very same customers to bail you out with their tax dollars. Who are they to think they'd be able to get off with a simple mugging. They should have known you'd need something to barter with, and all you had as currency was their personal info.

I'm a bit worried that you might suffer a backlash for this, but I think I have an idea that'll keep those dollars rolling in. I'm talking about medical information.

Think about it. Passengers leave a little bit of hair on their seats when they travel. You can collect it after every flight and match it to the individual to whom the seat was assigned. You'll be able to collect all kinds of data for that person, things like genetic information, drug use etc. Insurance companies would pay a fortune for it.

But why stop there. Why not offer your customers a new service, bathroom attendants. You could send them into the restrooms to collect stool and urine specimens after each use. Of course you'd market this service as a commitment to making your passenger's flying experience more enjoyable. I can see the ad copy now, "Fly Northwest, we have the cleanest toilets this side of heaven." It's win/win. Not only will your corporate image improve, you'll also have more information to trade.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot