We'd all be speaking that Vietnam language if it wasn't for Our Leader's acts of bravery

In a post at TAS, I take on those French bastards who call Our Leader a deserter.

The Democrats can never be as manly as our leader

The General thinks that George Will is worrying a bit too much when he writes:

New Hampshire confirmed what Iowa intimated. Democrats who are serious about the candidates' electability understand that seriousness requires a retreat from the feminization of politics.

That explains Democrats' short-lived flirtation with Wesley Clark, the empty uniform who, were a Democrat now president, probably would be on the right flank of Republicans running this year. And the Democrats' movement away from feminization explains John Kerry's brisk forward march, with a military cadence.

Kerry's "patrician aloofness" may be manly reticence...Riding his Harley, gunning for Iowa pheasants and playing hockey in New Hampshire have expressed his campaign's subtext: manliness.

I'd be the first to admit that I find Kerry extremely attractive in a very manly, heterosexual kind of way. And I do want to emphasize the heterosexual aspect of my longing for him. Sure, my little soldier may stand at attention when I see his strong masculine fingers wrapping themselves firmly around a microphone's rock hard shaft, but that doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to him. It's a natural reaction that occurs when a warrior feels the presence of another of his kind. It's a very many heterosexual thing. I can't stress that enough.

I shouldn't have to keep repeating this. You should know by now that I'm not a homosexual. I mean, I do spend most of my time fighting their agenda, don't I? So why in the name of Our Leader do I have to constantly defend myself?

Sorry, I got of track there. We don't have to worry about Kerry. He's no way near as manly as Our Leader. Did you see him in that flight suit? Wow, his soldier ain't all that litt...all of you people who don't believe me can just go straight to Hell. I believe in traditional values. So screw you. Especially Jed. He's a god damned liar. Don't believe a word he says. Besides, I was drunk. So to hell with him and his lying ass.

Uhh...please forgive me for cussing, but I've had enough of your filthy, slanderous thoughts. In fact, I think I might take a few days off to shoot guns, watch football, spit, yell at strangers about welfare, and all of the other very manly things I like to do. Yeah, that's it. I'm going off to do the things real men, like myself, do.

It's wrong to discusses Michael Jackson's 'happy man loaf' on the radio, even when it's a good, moral conservative doing it

Dear All Things Considered,

I was tuning though the radio dial today trying to find that sweet spot where Rush's show bleeds into the bible beat poetry program on the Christian station. You know the show I'm talking about. It's the one where they're always talking about crawling down keen baptist streets looking for a praiseworthy fix.

If you tune the radio just right, you can get a little bit of crosstalk action with Screech 1160, the Rant of the Ruby River Region. There's nothing better than listening to Rush raging against Klinton accompanied by bongos, high hat cymbals, and the cool, yet joyous, vocal rhythms of a Christian beat poet. It's what the minorities use to call, "righteous." Now that I think about it, that's what we Christians call it too.

Anyway, as I was tuning, I caught something on your station that shocked the hell out if me. It was the voice of my fellow patriot, L. Bent Bozell III. "Imagine that," I thought, "Brother Bozell on French radio." Although I never listen to NPR--you guys talk about books and news and stuff-- I stopped tuning to hear what he had to say.

I soon had the hell shocked out of me for a second time. He was talking about Michael Jackson's little soldier! I swear I'm telling the truth. He called it Jackson's "happy man loaf."

Well, I can't tell you what hearing that did to me. I couldn't get any work done the rest of the day. Michael Jackson's pinto-colored little soldier was all I could think about. It crowded out every thing else. I'd try to do some work and the next thing I'd know, I'd be in a bathroom stall fighting a losing battle against impure thoughts. I even had to pull off the road three times while driving home tonight.

We don't need to hear that kind of thing on the radio. It leads to licentious behavior and severe chaffing. I hope you think twice before airing such trash again. If not, you might find your self being sternly disciplined by Brother Powell and the FCC. They're not going to put up with such filth any more.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

cc: L Brent Bozell III

Another Wictory Wednesday

I haven't been added to the Wictory Wednesdays blogroll yet. I can't figure it out. I asked people to volunteer and donate to Our Leader's glorious campaign to bring dignity and honor to the White House. I added the Wictory Wednesday blogroll to my site. I sent a note to polipundit. I've done everything I need to do, yet I'm not on the blogroll. Oh well, I won't let another's mistake deter me from serving Our Leader.

This week, I think we ought to donate steer manure. From what I've seen of his speeches, Our Leader must go through a lot of it. You can send your donation here.

Be sure to volunteer too. My little dog--we call him "Santorum"--and I joined up with Team Bush a few months back--we're GOP Team Leaders. The best thing about being a Team Leader is that you can earn points for doing things like writing to newspaper editors. The points are redeemable for cool prizes.

Santorum has written enough "letters to the editor" to get a free subscription to the National Review (I'm saving my points up for a Colin Powell door mat). That little dog really enjoys the magazine, especially Jonah Goldberg's columns--he "does things" to them if you know what I mean.

Of course, the liberal newspapers never publish any of the letters. Someday they'll pay a price for that. Lord knows they've been warned. We always start the letters with:

The Republican Party told me to write you this form letter. You better publish it. We're in charge now.

The rest is easy. Most of the time, the work has already been done. All you need to do is download it from the Team Leader site and add the vaguely threatening part at the beginning.

That's it for this Wictory Wednesday. Now go out and do something for Our Leader.

Bringing the war home

The good Christian folks at Operation Rescue remind us that Islam isn't the only enemy we face. In fact, according to one of their brochures (pdf), Islam is just a part of a greater trinity of evil:

WHAT DO ABORTION, HOMOSEXUALITY, AND ISLAM HAVE IN COMMON?
They are all inspired by the same liar who has come to the earth to rob, kill, and destroy. All three are the beneficiaries of the marvelous freedoms and liberty we have in America. All three have violated these freedoms and perverted liberty - making it license. All three deny God and the truth of His Word. All three have entered into a pact with death.

Just thinking about facing such adversaries sends chill through my very manly spine. Conquering a billion followers of Islam and forcing them to submit to the will of the Southern Baptist Convention will be hard enough without opening a three front war. Worse yet, we'll have to do most of the fighting ourselves, because as Operation Rescue points out, Christianity, as a whole, has become too girly:

Unfortunately, Christianity in America has become so feminized, weak, and limp-wristed that these lies (abortion, homosexuality, and Islam) have come to prevail in a nation that was established and made great on the manly bedrock of biblical Christianity.

The odds are against us, but we will prevail. God sent Our Leader here to aid us in our time of trouble. That and a sizable Haliburton contract is all we need to prevail.

Preemption House

Dear Mr. Ailes,

With the American body count in Iraq passing the 500 mark and more soldiers dying on an almost daily basis, it's only a matter of time until the liberal press moves from covering important issues like Dean's barbaric yawp to focusing on the problems we're having with the occupation. It's vital that we do more to tell people the other side of the story.

Anyone who watches Fox News regularly knows that the average Iraqi citizen loves the US and is grateful for the opportunity to be occupied by the greatest nation on Earth. The problem is that most Americans don't watch Fox, so they don't hear that message.

I have an idea about how to change that. Americans love reality TV shows. Let's do one on Fox News about a bunch of Americans living in Iraq. Such a show would increase your ratings while spreading the word about how much the average Iraqi loves the occupation. Furthermore, if it's a hit, it will probably draw viewers to your other programing where they'll hear the same message again.

I'm thinking that we put some of the conservative movement's best communicators in a house in Falluja for a month, people like Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and Peggy Noonan. I'm picturing the house as being painted to look like a big American flag with a nice green lawn and a lawn jockey out front. No fences, no guards--just you're average suburban home, but with cameras everywhere.

We could call it something like "Occupied Territory" or "Preemption House." Viewers could watch the housemates as they interact with the people in their neighborhood. They could see Ahmad and Maha joke with Bill and Peggy over a nice breakfast of ham and eggs. They could go door to door with Coulter and Hannity and listen to them explain how the Koran is for girly-men. They could follow Rush as he looks for an English speaking pharmacist.

I think it would be a huge hit. More importantly, it would show Americans just how supportive the Iraqis are of the occupation. It'd be a win for both Fox News and America. I hope you'll consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot