Liberals are trying to undermine our oldest marital institution

Ultra-traditional family advocates in Utah were spared a major setback last week when Republican legislators successfully fought off an assault by Democrats on a cherished Utah institution, plural marriage...

Read the rest of The General's weekly contribution to TAS, here.

Fellowshipping Fred

Dear Rev. Phelps,

These are trying times for those of us involved in sodomy ministries. The culture is awash with homosexuality. Queer eyes are serving as mentors to straight guys on television. Massachusetts has decided to recognize homosexuals as human beings who deserve to be treated with dignity. Presidential candidates are taking up the meterosexual lifestyle.

With each of these victories, Satan's power increases, and he begins to look for new targets to seduce. Unfortunately, it looks like we are now in his sights. It's really not that unexpected. If he can turn us, he'll bring down our ministries and sodomy will become the new NASCAR. We must resist.

It's come to my attention that you've been frequenting a blog called "Out There." I checked it out and found it to be a little "funny" if you know what I mean. There's a lot of posts about homosexuality, and the guy who runs it calls himself an Antarean (that sounds very French to me). I suspect that he might be a homosexual.

I'm very worried that you'll fall under the spell of his homo-mojo, a particularly strong form of magic that is irresistible. I know. It's felled me many times. One minute my eyes will be drawn to a particularly manly bulge straining hard against the fabric of jeans so tight they look painted on and the next I'll be on my knees in the back room of a bar surrounded by hairy bikers who don't own motorcycles.

I think a bit of pastorly fellowshipping will do us both some good. It will strengthen us against Satan's temptations. We'll do a weekend of old fashioned manly style bonding. We'll watch my extensive collection of gladiator movies. We'll eat frito pie and fart and punch each other in the shoulder. We'll bond in the ancient tradition of the Spartan warriors, wrestling naked in a fraternal expression of our manliness.

Once we've bonded as brothers, we'll confess our lustful thoughts to each other and then retreat to my punishment room for spankings followed by prayer and possibly by even more spankings. It will be good for us. It will rejuvenate our spirits and restore our ability to resist Satan.

Let me know when you're available and I'll send my wife away for the weekend.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Our Leader improves the environment by making it more productive

It seems like everywhere I go, people are talking about how Our Leader is raping the environment. They point to websites like the "The Bush Record" and the "Big Book of Bush" which detail how our leader is undoing decades of environmental progress. Even some industry publications have published articles calling Our Leader's policies into question. Last Fall, for instance, Alexander's Gas and Oil Connections posted one such piece on its website. Here's an excerpt:

The Bush administration has been gutting key sections of the Clean Water and Clean Air acts, laws that have traditionally had bipartisan support and have done more to protect the health of Americans than any other environmental legislation.
It has crippled the Superfund program, which is charged with cleaning up millions of pounds of toxic industrial wastes such as arsenic, lead, mercury and vinyl chloride in more than 1,000 neighbourhoods in 48 states. It has sought to cut the EPA's enforcement division by nearly one-fifth, to its lowest level on record; fines assessed for environmental violations dropped by nearly two-thirds in the administration's first two years; and criminal prosecutions -- the government's weapon of last resort against the worst polluters -- are down by nearly one-third.

Such attacks are completely unjustified. Our Leader is doing a lot of good things to our environment. Rather than letting it lie wild and useless, he's making it productive and profitable. Where wetlands once stood, he's putting in industry. He's turning forests into houses and wild rivers into lakes with valuable beachfront property.

Go to the environment photo section of the Bush/Cheney 2004 campaign website to see the real story about Our Leader's environmental accomplishments. You'll see pictures like these:

   

   

Wictory Wednesday

This is The General's third week of participating in Wictory Wednesday, and I haven't been added to the Wictory Wednesday blogroll yet. I hope Our Leader's campaign gets more efficient than this.

This week, I'm asking you to donate an idea to Our Leader's campaign. Send them a copy of the picture on the right and ask them to spend everything on milk cartons like this. We really need to get Our Leader's poll numbers up, so that He actually gets elected this time. Catching bin Laden will probably put His favorability rating over 50% again. It will give Him time to build a case for war against Iranistan, something that will shoot his numbers through the roof.

Send the picture by US mail rather than email. It'll help the morale of all those people who are being paid campaign funds to open envelopes. Mail your donation here.

I also want you to volunteer to be a Bush Team Leader. After you do so, write a "letter to the editor" for your local newspaper. Note that you are a Bush Team Leader and that you have no problem with Our Leader going AWOL for a year while he served in the national guard. Be sure to point out that the fact that he was well connected enough to get away with it only underscores his value as our president. Use Nixon as an example. If he'd had gotten away with Watergate, we could have avoided the Ford presidency.

That's it for now. Get involved. Our Leader needs you.

Please tell CBS to stop mocking my little soldier

Let me say out front that I usually don't watch the Super Bowl halftime show. It's far too "foo foo" for me. I should also add that I seldom use the term, "foo foo." It's a very tinny, unmanly word.

I watched it this year for the first time in at least a decade, because my remote was broken. I had hurled it a couple of days before at the TV when it showed WsMD hunter David Kay testifying in front of the Senate. He broke my heart when he said we wouldn't find any weapons of mass destruction. Seeing someone lose their faith in Our Leader's infallible word is something this soldier just can't watch without reacting.

Anyway, I don't think any American should be forced to actually touch his television. Remote controls are one of the things that make us the greatest nation on earth--that and frito pie. That's why I watched the halftime show

I was horrified by what I saw. Here's how Donald Wildmon of the American Family Association described it:

During the halftime program for the Super Bowl, CBS showed singer
Justin Timberlake tearing off singer Janet Jackson’s top, exposing her
breast...

In addition, the halftime show included:

Janet Jackson grabbing her breasts

Sean P. Diddy repeatedly fondling his crotch

Striptease cheerleaders

Gyrating transvestites

Simulated lesbian sex

Jackson and Timberlake groping each other

...In addition, an ad for Bud Lite showed a talking chimp, blatantly
asking his owner "babe" if she would like to go upstairs to have sex
with him.

Pastor Wildmon goes on to urge everyone to complain to the FCC. I couldn't agree more. We need to pressure them into taking action.

Here's my letter.

Dear FCC Commissioners:

I know you're getting a lot of letters about Janet Jackson's breasts. I'm very angry about them as well, but my main halftime show complaint is about the Budweiser monkey.

Watch the ad. The monkey is hung like a clydesdale. Tell me, do you think there is any man in America who's that big? He was huge. How do you think the average American male feels after seeing that? Obviously, he was using some kind of artificial means of enhancement, but I still can't get the image of it out of my mind. It's haunting me.

The feminists want women to believe men are bigger that we are so that they'll mock us when we get naked, and it's working. It happens to me all the time. They say things like, "I see what you mean when you call it your little soldier," and "Is it even old enough to enlist?"

It's all about the feminization of the American male. The Klintons and their ilk want to kill our spirit so that we're easier to control. They know that the best way to do that is by hitting us where it hurts, our little soldiers. Sooner or later, the humiliation will destroy our patriarchal will. Our wives will no longer submit to our authority. We'll have to watch ice skating and go to Sandra Bullock movies. It'll be chaos.

Please fine the bastards out of business.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Our Leader's needs must be fulfilled

He missed seeing Janet Jackson's halftime show, but he has a bold plan to make up fot it

Our Leader is going to create a "Warren Commission" to look into intelligence failures

I know many of my fellow patriots were angry at the Democrats for demanding an independent investigation into the recent intelligence failures in Iraqistan, but now that Our Leader says he'll do it, I think we should follow Mormon apostle N. Eldon Tanner's instructions, "When the prophet speaks, the debate is over." That won't be hard for me, because I changed my mind the minute I heard Our Leader wanted to do it.

Our Leader's wish should be enough in itself, but the fact that it's an ingenious plan, should make everyone happy. Here's how the AP describes it:

The senior White House official said it would be patterned after the Warren Commission, so named for its chairman Earl Warren, a former chief justice of the Supreme Court, which led a 10-month investigation that concluded in 1964 that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in killing President John F. Kennedy

This has to be Mr. Roves idea. It's pure genius. The phrase, "Warren Commission," is synonymous with "integrity" in the public's mind, and I'm certain that the final report will forever shut the door on treasonous speculation, just like the Warren Report did.

I'm also comforted by the fact that Our Leader will be picking the panel members. Otherwise, the scope of the investigation might include the good things being done by the Department of Defense's Office of Special Plans, a group created by the White House to deliver better intelligence than that provided by the CIA. The Office of Special Plans came up with most of the intelligence about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction and its links to terrorism. We need them to continue their important work so that we can find out where Iraqistan's WsMD went after they were smuggled in to Iranistan and Syriastan.

Reviews for Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ"

"Every time I preach or speak about the Cross, the things I saw on the screen will be on my heart and mind.
-- Billy Graham, Billy Graham Evangelistic Association"

"Hailed by the Jew controlled media as 'controversial' and 'anti-Semitic', this film recounts the last 12 hours of Jesus's life, bringing to the big screen the treachery and betrayal of the murderous Christ-killers."
-- Aryan Nations

"It is deeply moving, powerful, and disturbing. A film that must be seen"
--James Dobson, Chairman, Focus on the Family

"Attending this movie is a way to throw Jesus' blood on the filthy jews"
--Vangard News Network

"I am praying that Mel Gibson's movie will have a powerful impact on our culture..."
-- Jerry Falwell, The Liberty Channel

"After watching what Christ went through for me -- I was ready to knock someone in the head! "
-- Christian Comedian Chonda Pierce (From a letter posted ar Stepfamily on Line)

"Every Christian MUST go see this movie and hold Mr. Gibson up in prayer"
-- Paul Crouch, Jr., Trinity Broadcasting Network

"...every White Nationalist in the movement will pay to see Mel Gibson's next movie"
-- The White Revolution Report

"I tell you, is magic. It's a miracle. It's a miracle"
-- Matt Drudge, Drudge Report

"Make sure you go see Mel Gibson' new movie, "The Passion of the Christ." This movie is going to expose the jew to the world as the devious, sinister, sons and daughters of Satan they truly are!"
--Pastor James P. Wickstrom, Posse Comitatus Leader

I have no doubt that the movie will be one of the greatest evangelistic tools in modern day history.
-- Ed Young Jr., Pastor, Dallas-Area Fellowship Church