Dittos from Republican Jesus

Elsewhere: My inner Frenchman made a motivational poster.

Dick's angel

The General felt tremendous shame when commenter Jaye alerted him to this story about the Virgin Mary's appearance on a countertop:

Some residents and employees at a Texas nursing home think they've gotten a gift from heaven.

Some people say they see the Virgin Mary in the kitchen counter.
At first, the stainless steel kitchen counter doesn't look like much, but after a closer look there appears to be some markings on it.

And some people say they see the Virgin Mary inside.

Nursing home officials say it's been there since last week.

This story caused me shame, because I, too, witnessed such a miracle and did not announce it to the world for fear that I would be ridiculed. I now understand that this was wrong. I had fallen asleep while guarding my soul, allowing Satan to tap dance in my psyche and do chug shuffles on my id.

I must make amends now by telling the world about my discovery.

I perform a ritual every night where I search for pictures of Deputy Leader Cheney, enlarge those I find, and take in their beauty pore by pore. It's a form of worship, really. It's a way I can feel closer to Jesus by immersing my self in the beauty of his work.

There's nothing wrong with it. It's not like I'm saying Dick is beautiful in the same way a lady is. It's a manly beauty--the kind of beauty real men can see in other manly men.

Anyway, I noticed a mole on Dick's forehead that I hadn't seen before. When I enlarged it, I saw the image of Gen. Curtis LeMay, the greatest warrior our country ever produced. He's an angel now, and he's on our Vice President's forehead.

It's the ultimate proof that our leaders were chosen by God.

It's just harmless fun

Rush is right. There's no better way for soldiers to blow off a little steam than for them to engage in something like this:

U.S. soldiers who detained an elderly Iraqi woman last year placed a harness on her, made her crawl on all fours and rode her like a donkey, Prime Minister Tony Blair's personal human rights envoy to Iraq said Wednesday.

He's our God and we won't share him with any stinking Mormons or Catholics

It's National Prayer Day, but you won't find any Mormons, Catholics, or Unitarians participating in any of the activities organized by the National Day of Prayer Task Force. Jews, Muslims and Buddhists won't be participating either. Taskforce spokesman Mark Fried said that it's against the organizations rules to involve non-Christian cults like Mormonism.

I agree. Prayer is just too damned sacred to be shared with just anyone. You don't know what could happen if you let the Mormons participate. That's especially true since this is an election year. As Fried says, we asking that "God's hand will be on the election." How an we expect Him to get involved if we insult him by letting just anyone participate?

Our Leader speaks to the disbelievers

I'm sure these lines spoken by Our Leader went over very well with Muslims around the world:

"...but the people in Fallujah are tired of foreign fighters..."

"Free societies do not allow thugs to roam streets and hold people hostage to their whims."

"I'm very proud of the brave Iraqis who've stood up."

"Iraqis are sick of foreign people coming in their country and trying to destabilize their country"

"Iraq was a unique situation because Saddam Hussein had constantly defied the world and had threatened his neighbors...had torture chambers inside his country,... It was a very unique situation. And he was given a chance to meet the demands of the free world in a peaceful way, but he chose — he chose war"

"Thank you, sir. It is a sunny day."

"Pat Tillman burns in hell"

Dear Rev. Phelps,

I still have goosebumps an hour after reading your eulogy for Pat Tillman. I've always said that no one sends a man to hell better than Fred Phelps, but you outdo even yourself with these words:

Former Arizona Cardinals football player Pat Tillman is a shining example of the impact all famous people could have, if they were interested in the cause of God and Truth. Tillman could have used his fame and fortune to further the Gospel, and instead, he chose to go worship the filthy fag flag and serve in the fag military cramming America's filth down the world's throat.

It's words like these that have convinced me that you are a true warrior. I'd appeciate it if you would send me a picture of yourself for my collection of great Christian soldiers. I prefer one in which you are nude and covered in honey to accentuate your warrior physique--I think the classical form brings out the best physical and spiritual features.

Being a strong, manly, God-fearing heterosexual like yourself, the form of the Christian soldier is all I'm looking for. I wouldn't look at your ruggedly hairy chest, your hard sinewy arms, or your manly sword of procreative glory, glistening with the gift of the honeybee and do anything but stand in awe at God's creation. Indeed, I promise you, in the name of all that is holy, that I will not touch myself while gazing upon your likeness. That is my word to you as a fellow man of God and a committed heterosexual. You can count on it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot


Thanks to Renato for the tip.

I'm sure that the NYT's Judith Miller has all of the answers

Dear Miss Miller,

I was very dismayed after reading the Newsweek and Salon articles about Ahmad Chalabi until it struck me that perhaps I didn't have the whole story. I thought about writing Dick Cheney to ask for clarification, but he scares me. As much as I love him in a manly, heterosexual kind of way, I can't get past the fact that he reminds me of a foul reanimated corpse who's waiting for the proper moment to smash open my skull and devour my brain. I'm sure you know what I mean.

You were my obvious second choice because of your close working relationship with Chalabi during the run-up to the war. Heck, Chalabi and Miller were the Astaire and Rogers of Iraq war mongering. If anyone would know the truth about Chalabi, it'd be you.

Was Chalabi always working for the Iranians? If so, was it something he kept secret from you and Deputy Leader Cheney or have we subcontracted our foreign policy out to the Iranians as part of Shadow Leader Norquist's "let's privatize everything" initiative? If it's the latter, does that mean that Iran is a Haliburton subsidiary?

And what about this whole Axis of Evil thing? Was that a practical joke like the weapons of mass destruction?

I'm looking forward to your reply. It'll score me points at my next Team Leader meeting.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Hazing Sean Hannity

Dear Mr. Ailes,

Sean Hannity's interview of former School of the Americas interrogation instructor Tony Robinson was great. I'm worried, however, that the public isn't embracing his description of the treatment of Iraqi POWs as being less harsh than a frat hazing. The American people don't understand this because they can't identify with Iraqi POWs. They need to see Americans they know and respect undergoing the same kind of hazing. Then, they'll see it for the harmless fun it is.

I think you can make this happen. You can do so by reenacting the Abu Ghraib POW hazing on Hannity & Colmes or a Fox News Special. I'll gladly volunteer to masturbate into Sean Hannity's mouth. I'd consider it my contribution to the war effort. Afterwards, we could all go to my house for a night of pizza, beer, and gladiator movies.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Someone left the atheist out in the rain

Dear Rep. Love,

Kudos to you for denying your constituent's request to be allowed to enter the capitol building if God sends rain down upon Thursday's Ten Commandments rally. Some might say that the Atheist Law Center's Larry Darby deserves to be treated the same as any other constituent. After all, they would argue, you were elected to represent all of your constituents regardless of their race or creed.

Thank the Lord that you know better than that. All constituents are not equal. Those who have not been washed in the blood of Jesus are not worthy of being given even the slightest human considerations like temporary shelter from the rain.

By doing this, you are serving as a model to good Christian people everywhere. Should I come across a sick person in my travels, I will ask him if he believes in our Lord and Savior. If he answers in the negative, I will step over his prostrate body and continue my journey, knowing that I've done as my faith commands.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Credit to morons.org for finding the Fox article.

On the sixth day, God created dinosaurs

The General was happy to see an article about Dinosaur Adventure Land in the God-hating New York Times. It shows that those fancy latte swilling bastards at the Gray Lady are finally starting to realize that they've lost the culture wars, or is that "the War Against Culture;" it's getting hard to keep all these wars straight.

Here's how the Times describes Dinosaur Adventure Land:

[a] creationist theme park and museum ... that beckons children to 'find out the truth about dinosaur'" with games that roll science and religion into one big funfest with the message that Genesis, not science, tells the real story of the creation.

Kent Hovind, the minister who opened the park in 2001, said his aim was to spread the message of creationism through a fixture of mainstream America--the theme park--instead of pleading its case at academic conferences and in courtrooms.

Mr. Hovind, a former public school science teacher with his own ministry, Creation Science Evangelism, and a hectic lecture schedule, said he had opened Dinosaur Adventure Land to counter all the science centers and natural history museums that explain the evolution of life with Darwinian theory. There are dinosaur bone replicas, with accompanying explanations that God made dinosaurs on Day 6 of the creation as described in Genesis, 6,000 years ago.

The park features a lot of hands-on activities designed to help kids learn about science:

...visitors can make their own Grand Canyon replica with sand and read a sign deriding textbooks for teaching that the Colorado River formed the canyon over millions of years: "This is clearly not possible. The top of the Grand Canyon is 4,000 feet higher than where the river enters the canyon! Rivers do not flow up hill!"

[...]

There are no mechanized rides at Dinosaur Adventure Land — no creationist-themed roller coasters, scramblers or even a ferris wheel — but instead, a simple discovery center and museum and about a dozen outdoor games, each of which has a "science lesson" and "spiritual lesson" posted nearby.

[...]

Take Jumpasaurus, which involves jumping on a trampoline while trying to throw a ball through a hoop as many times as possible in a minute. The science lesson: "You will use coordination in this game, which means you will be doing more than one thing at once." The spiritual lesson, according to Mr. Johnson: "You need to learn to be coordinated for Jesus Christ so you can get more things done for him."

Now, that's the kind of science learning that the General can understand. Hopefully, Our Leader will get these folks some of that No Child Left Behind money.

Update: Commenter Richard points out that Mr. Hovind divides his time between promoting creation science and hating Jews.