It's my day, I'll do what I want

It's Jesus Day

Pastor General Ashcroft reminded me that it's Jesus Day today. Send me links to your Jesus related posts and I'll post them here after I finish Mrs. General Christian's honey-do list.

I see that the Pastor General is celebrating the holiday by reposting the treasonous art work my inner Frenchman posted to TAS last week.

Update: More Jesus Day links from the General's readers

That Frenchman who refuses to write in the Lord's preferred language writes something I can't read.

Blonde Sense wrote a great letter urging the South to secede and become a Christian Nation.

Prairie Angel has more on the subject of Christian secession.

And Duex Ex Machina sends us Dance Dance Resurrection, the newest Christian rage.

That's it for now. I'll add more links to this posts as they come in.

Until then, read the comments. There are a number of great stories about Jesus Day activities there as well.

Where's a goth when you need one?

Dear Rep. Graves,

I was sorry to hear that the $132,000 grant you procured to implement a final solution to Blue Springs' goth problem had to be returned due to a lack of said goths. I hope that you are not discouraged by this setback.

You are to be applauded for your innovative thinking. While everyone else in your caucus was scrambling for the limited pot of funding available to persecute traditionally oppressed groups like homosexuals and Muslims, you had the foresight to open new territory by targeting alienated teenage misfits. It's that kind of eliminationist entrepreneurship that has made our nation great.

Your plan still has promise. You just need to choose a new target. There must be other unpopular groups of teens living in Blue Springs. Have you considered going after fat or "geeky" kids?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
truebeliever(at)softhome.net

The French are making fun of my little general

I can't read this post, but I know enough French to understand what "De Amerikaanse patriot Generaal J.C. Christian" and "kleine soldaat" mean, and I don't like it. Kleine is the feminine form of the word, "little," and soldaat means "soldier," so, in essence, this vile Frenchman is insulting my manhood by saying that I have a "little girl soldier."

Well it isn't true. It's a big, intimidating, brawny, masculine little soldier, a valiant warrior who strikes fear into the hearts of other men. The smirks and giggles directed at me when I'm showering at the gym are merely expressions of nervousness. I understand that. I've lived with it all of my life.

Going medieval with Armed Forces Radio

Mr. Melvin Russell
Director
American Forces Radio and Television Services

Dear Mr. Russell,

I applaud your airing of Rush Limbaugh's show on Armed Forces Radio. He sends our soldiers a message they need to hear--that it's OK to have a little medieval fun with the prisoners they capture.

Where else will our young servicemen and women hear the truth about the so-called Abu Gharib "scandal?" If it wasn't for Rush, there would be no one to tell them that anally raping prisoners and forcing them to masturbate into each others' mouths is good clean soldier fun.

No doubt, airing his show is risky. Certainly there are a number of your superiors and congressman who would be angry to learn that the Department of Defense is broadcasting the message that torture is an approved way to blow off a little steam--that's what Rush told our troops via Armed Forces Radio when he said: "I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You [ever] heard of need to blow some steam off?"

Thank God we have people like you and Rush who aren't afraid to tell our troops that war crimes are no big deal. Keep up the good work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

cc: Sen. Carl Levin
Sen. Mark Dayton

Note to readers: You may have noticed that tomorrow has been coming early to Jesus' General the last few days. I usually wait until at least midnight Eastern Time to post, but the General has an inner ear infection and is dizzier than normal. I've tried to get the next day's post out earlier so I can rest. Of course, that means I get up and read blogs at 2AM anyway.

The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex

I can't recommend this Christian sex book enough. I gave it a very favorable review at Amazon.com.

The Rush to American Victory Tour

Dear Rush,

Time and time again, you've told us that our invasion of Iraq would deal a death blow to Al Qaeda. I know you're right about that, but according to the Associated Press, Al Qaeda, with at least 18,000 card carrying terrorists on its rolls, is bigger than ever.

It's obvious to me that the liberal-minded AP is just trying to discredit our glorious Iraq crusade, but I'm worried that others might not be as skeptical as I am. We need to do something to demonstrate that we are indeed winning this war on terrorism.

I think you're the obvious choice to lead such an effort. I don't think there is anyone who garners as much respect as you do--everyone I talk to reveres you.

I propose that you hold a series of live appearances in the Middle East. We could call it the Rush to American Victory Tour. By holding it in such former terrorist hot spots as Peshawar, Pakistan; Jalalabad, Afghanistan; and Lebanon's Bekaa Valley, you would show the world that we are achieving victory over terrorism.

Think about it. Rush Limbaugh on a huge flag-draped stage, delivering a speech about the superiority of western culture to an audience of appreciative Muslims. You could do funny bits tailored specifically for the locals--things like smearing bacon on a bin Laden poster in Peshawar or a Sheikh Abdel
Karim Obeid poster in the Bekaa Valley or perhaps a skit featuring a US soldier dirty dancing with a woman in a burka.

We'd need music too. Do you know Toby Keith? He'd be perfect. I wonder if any of his lyrics have been translated into Arabic or Pashto.

When offstage you could tour the cities' large opium markets and produce PSA's featuring you saying no to a big, black, fresh ball of unadulterated opium or a bindle of powdery, snow white heroin straight out of the lab. That'd help you personally here at home.

I hope you consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
truebeliever(at)softhome.net

She's just kidding

Mrs. Christian was just kidding. Don't believe a damn word she says. The milkman, the Swan man, the Bear River High School Football team, and all of the others are a bunch of damned liars too.

I'm heterosexual. Mrs. Christan would tell you that, but I've decided that God doesn't want women to blog. We'll leave that to the Frenchwomen like Peanut, Elaine, Blondesense, and Jeanne.

Mrs. General Christian here

The General says that since Mrs. Atrios is blogging, I have to blog too. He doesn't know what he's done. Let me just say that that I don't call it his little soldier for nothing. He disgusts me. Thank God for the mailman, the Swan frozen food guy, the lawn guy, my neighbor, my other neighbor, Colonel Cleetus, the Bear River High School Football Team, and the occassional Jehovah Witness and Mormon missionaries.

Gladiator movie night my ass. It's a god damned gay orgy I'm telling you. I'd leave him if didn't mean he'd get the trailer.

It looks like Mr. Hannity is really enjoying Our Leader's speech

Going directly to the top

Dear Ambassador Hosseini,

There's a huge pothole on my street. I need to get my car's front end realigned every time I hit it. I've begged the City to fix it for months without success.

I had just about given up all hope that it would ever be repaired when it occurred to me that you might be able to help. Surely, if Iran can manipulate the President of the United States into going to war against Iraq, a country that posed no threat to the US, it could certainly arrange to have a pothole filled.

I'd appreciate any help you could give me with this. It's really a small price to pay after all we neoconservatives have done for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
truebeliever(at)softhome.net

Recruiting with Rusty

This is the kind of thing Mrs. LeHaye is always warning us about.

The problem with "widow marriage"

Dear Dr. Dobson,

I can't tell you how happy I was when I heard you on Hannity & Colmes discussing your concerns about homosexual marriage. The following statement, in particular, brought great joy to my heart:

...you could have polygamy. You could have incest. You could have marriage between a father and a daughter. You could have two widows, or two sisters or two brothers.

You're the first Christian leader who I've heard address the problem of widow marriage. Thank you for doing so.

Unfortunately, I don't think people see the threat that widow marriage poses to the traditional family. It's a threat greater than that we face from homosexual marriage in general.

You see, widow women are experienced women. They know what it's like to know a man in a biblical sense. They are also privy to the secret all married women share--sex with a man is never enjoyable. It's true. I've been told this by every woman with whom I've shared my passion--yes, I sinned often in my younger days, but I've asked for and received our Lord's forgiveness.

Widows who marry each other are making a statement. They're exposing the married woman's secret and telling the world that we're just not all that good when it comes to lovemaking. We need to prevent that from happening. Otherwise, we might as well store our essence in mason jars, because that'll be the only place left for us to put it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC. Christian, patriot

P.S. I already keep mine in mason jars because I oppose the killing of Spermatazoan-Americans, but that's a different battle. You know what point I'm getting at here.

Pastor General Ashcroft's hands-on approach to the scourge of masturbation

Apart from widow marriage, masturbation is one the gravest threats our nation faces. Even as I write these words, thousands of Spermatazoan-Americans are meeting horrible, lingering deaths in anonymous tube socks across the land.

The thought of so many helpless proto-Christians suffering never fails to brings tears to the eyes of Pastor General John Ashcroft. Now he's doing something about it. According to the blog, Blondesense, he's implementing a program which will neutralize one of masturbation's principle drivers, pornography.

"We'd like to model our society after the Saudi society and require all women to be covered up at all times when outside of their respective homes," Ashcroft claimed. "This will create jobs, he explained, "as young christian men will be hired right out of college to view and censor all printed material, photographs, videos and internet sites for anything sexual in nature."

Mr Ashcroft will then be called in to view said pornography and will make the final assessment before any material can be accessed by the public.

Let us pray that he'll keep his hands in plain view at all times.