Stuffed gipper

Dear Mr. Mehlman

Replacing the Bush/Cheney 2004 home page with a tribute to Ronald Reagan was a masterstroke. Surely there are other ways you can exploit his death for the campaign's advantage.

Have you considered taxidermy?

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

The kids are alright

Dear Jason,

Congratulations on being named Top Conservative Student Activist by the Young America's Foundation. You deserve it. Your leadership of the Roger Williams University College Republicans has been exemplary.

I loved your latest issue of The Hawks Right Eye (pdf). I'd like to make a few comments about my favorite articles. Perhaps you could pass them on to the authors.

First let's look at your article, White Scholarship Revisited. In it, you take RNC Chair Ed Gillespie to task for his remarks about the whites only scholarship you awarded awhile back. It's an excellent article, and I loved the line where you noted that Gillespie may smell like an elephant but he has "tiny balls and no spine."

However, I think your thesis is wrong. The party is not getting soft on minorities. Bigotry is still an important Republican value. In the last week alone, we've seen Republican Congressmen slighting both Indians and Latinos.

Sure, Gillespie is trying to sell the idea that we feel sorry for minorities because they aren't white, but don't worry, that's really as far as our commitment to tolerance goes. Bigotry is still just as Republican as a no-bid contract. If you don't believe me, ask any RNC committeeman for his daughter's hand in marriage and just see how quickly you become an "unlawful combatant." There's a very thin line between "token of our commitment to diversity" and "threat to our way of life" in today's party.

And then there's Woman! Know Thy Place by Monique Stuart. Monique reminds me of a younger, female version of the characters played by Stepin Fetchit in the old movies. It's good to see a woman who understands the violence feminism has done to the position of women in our society.

I also enjoyed Monique's title graphic depicting a strong, masculine man lifting a women from a kneeling position by her hair. That's the kind of image I think we'd all like to share with our daughters.

Eric Fournier's piece, Rush to judgment, is one of the best defenses of Rush I've read anywhere. The way he defended Rush's comments about minority quarterbacks by attacking the NFL for hiring black coaches was absolutely masterful. He'll make a great Republican Congressman someday.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

New bumpersticker

Remembering the Gipper

Now is not a time for mourning; it's a time for celebration, because Ronald Reagan is with Jesus. My guess he's sitting on a golden throne right now regaling the hosts of heaven with folksy stories about his Hollywood days.

Scattered throughout his audience are people whose lives he touched; folks he helped send to heaven. Guys like the homeless man who froze to death as the Gipper was telling the world that the poor had only themselves to blame.

I'm sure that the thirty-two women who, in May of 1982, were tortured, raped, and then thrown from helicopters by the Honduran Secret Police are sitting at Ronnie's feet as he spins his yarns. Certainly they're grateful that the Gipper's Ambassador, John Negraponte, lied to investigators about his knowledge of the incident, thereby sparing their families the heartache of knowing their wives and daughters were dead.

The grandfatherly Reagan is surely the object of affection for the countless children he helped send to Jesus. There's Qadaffi's daughter who was killed when the Gipper tried to assassinate the Libyan leader with a missile--she certainly recognizes how vital the Gulf of Sidra is to American interests.

And we should not forget the many Mayan children who were killed by the Guatemalan Army as their villages were razed. They probably enjoyed being swung by their ankles--at least until their tiny skulls were crushed on impact with nearby poles. These kids understand it was all part of the "positive improvement" the Administration said was being made by our surrogate army in that Central American nation.

But then again, maybe none of these people are in the same place as Ronnie. He may trading tales with other great Americans like Patrick Edward Connor, James Forsyth and John Chivington, instead.

The Beatitudes, revisited

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here.

Republican Jesus Archive.

Elsewhere: I post a letter at TAS.

Just a little hazing

I'm sure these two Enron traders were just blowing off a little steam:

"They're fucking taking all the money back from you guys?" complains an Enron employee on the tapes. "All the money you guys stole from those poor grandmothers in California?"

"Yeah, grandma Millie, man"

"Yeah, now she wants her fucking money back for all the power you've charged right up, jammed right up her asshole for fucking $250 a megawatt hour.

It's our vote and we want it back

Dear Rep. Davis,

I've been thinking about your analysis of that Herseth-Diedrich race all day--particularly the part where you said, "If you take out the Indian reservation, we would have won." It was refreshing to hear you articulate something many conservatives like myself have been thinking: minorities are fouling up the elections for good, God-fearing, white, Christian people.

Are you doing anything to develop this idea? Have you considered passing a constitutional amendment that would take away part or all of the Native American vote? Heck, they didn't even have the right to vote until 1924 anyway, so it's not like you'd be messing with traditional values.

You could call it the "It's The White People's Vote And We Want It Back Constitutional Amendment" and team it up with the Homosexual Discrimination Constitutional Amendment. They'd make a great pair.

Let me know if I can do anything to help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Request for secret information

Dear Under Secretary Feith,

I am a general in the unorganized militia and not in your chain of command. That said, I trust that our shared vision of what constitutes an ideal America binds us in a way that is stronger than any command structure. We, sir, are freedom's warriors, and as such, we must strive to assist each other in our individual endeavors.

I need such assistance now. As you surely know, Klinton's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy has resulted in the infiltration of many homosexuals into our armed forces. There is nothing we can do about it as long as they avoid alerting us to their orientation.

I have a plan to smoke a few of them out. All I need is the code to access a pornographic website called UncutGladiatorParty.com. It will allow me to look at the site's pictures to see if any of the participants look like soldiers. If they do, I'll send the pictures to CID.

It's my understanding that you have access to broken secret codes and that you sometimes share that knowledge with your drinking buddies. Could you get me the secret code to UncutGladiatorParty.com?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
truebeliever(at)softhome.net

My pharmacist's name is Jesus Christ

I hadn't noticed it, but according to Dispatches from the Frozen North, our Lord and Savior is one of my advertisers:

I was browsing a political blog called Jesus' General when this Google ad caught my eye:

Have a Happy Easter
Jesus Loves You and Wants You To Be Happy! Order Some Prozac Online

"This has to be a joke," I thought. "But, no, Google doesn't allow joke ads."

Curious, I followed the link. No joke. Apparently, you can now be saved and get discount Viagra at the same time.

The site is called JesusChristRX.com. I think I'll pick up some pills for my little soldier. They haven't worked in the past, but certainly, our Lord Jesus has access to the best boner pills around.

I wonder if Rush knows about this.

Swag

I've received a lot of requests for Republican Jesus merchandise. I finally got around to creating the high resolution graphics I needed to do it. I'm only selling a mug right now, because I'm looking for someone local to do t-shirts. I can also create postcards, posters, and greeting cards if people are interested.

My inner Frenchman designed a bunch of treasonous bumperstickers as well.

Place your order here.

Klinton to blame for Republican whoremongers and drug dealers

Dear Rush,

I'm concerned about what's happening to our Republican Party. In the last week alone, A Republican Utah legislator admitted to whoremongering and a county Republican chair was asked to leave his position as head of an anti-drug program when it was learned that he had a drug dealing conviction. What kind of family values are those?

According to the Provo Herald, the legislator, Calvin Bird (right), who is also a Mormon bishop, was picked up for whoremongering last September:

Bird, 56, was cited on Sept. 30 after he attempted to solicit sex from an undercover police officer posing as a prostitute on south State Street in Salt Lake City, The Associated Press reported.

Although he originally said he was not guilty, he later entered a guilty plea for one count of sex solicitation, a class B misdemeanor, on April 12, according to Salt Lake City Justice Court records. He was sentenced to 12 months probation and proof of completion of the Johns' Program. His record will be expunged if he completes the 10-class program, according to The Associated Press.

[...]

Bird lives in Springville with his wife, Linda, and has six children and three grandchildren. He works as a real estate broker for Prudential Utah Real Estate. According to his state Legislature biography, he is also the owner of T.L.C. of Kids, a day-care center in Springville, and president of the Utah Private Childcare Association.

The drug dealing county chair is Dr. David Narramore of Whitesburg, KY. He was convicted of over-prescribing hillbilly heroin to his patients.

The Lexington Herald-Leader has more:

When a local chapter of Eastern Kentucky's newest drug-fighting program chose its chairman this year, it picked a dentist who had been fined by state regulators for failing to document narcotics he had prescribed to patients.

Dr. David Narramore paid the $500 fine in January as part of an agreement to settle a 17-count complaint that claimed he had overprescribed painkillers. Investigators said the dentist prescribed narcotics 20 times for a patient who was already in a drug-abuse treatment program

I don't blame these men. I blame Klinton. Certainly, his eight years of his immoral leadership has had an effect on our society. Now, good people are paying for it.

Rush, I think you can help them by using their stories as examples of what Klinton has done to this country. You might also consider helping Dr. Narramore, personally, by giving him a bit of business.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Contact your senators about homosexual marriage

The American Family Association is urging people to contact their senators and tell them to schedule a vote on the Homosexual Discrimination Constitutional Amendment. You can use the AFA's web form, but I'd suggest that you replace their language with your own. That way, it'll be more personal.