If you're Muslim and for Kerry, you must be a terrorist

Dear Miss Wildmon,

I'm writing you in the hope that you will pass this note onto Don and Tim. I'm very appreciative of the fine work you all do at the American Family Association, although I wonder if it wouldn't please the Lord to see one the Wildmons give up her career at AFA and return to the home, full-time, as He intended.

I really enjoyed the AFA Online article about the recent presidential preference poll conducted by the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR). Of course, I agree with Frank Gaffney that CAIR must be pro-terrorist because their polling suggested that only 2% of all Muslims support Our Leader. They're obviously Kerry supporters, and as Our Leader says, "You're either for us or against us."

Some might argue that he should have provided at least one other piece of evidence that CAIR supports terrorism. They might also point to CAIR's "Not in the Name of Islam" initiative as proof of the organization's rejection of terror. For me, it's enough that Frank Gaffney says it's so, because as the article points out, he worked in the Reagan Administration. That's all the credibility a man needs--although the writer might have topped it off by mentioning that Mr. Gaffney worked for Richard Perle at the time and was also one of the founders of Americans for Victory Over Terrorism (AVOT), a fine neo-conservative group founded to promote going to war against Iraq.

I doubt that anyone will actually believe CAIR's poll anyway. Why would 98% of all American Muslims reject a man who speaks of launching a crusade against their co-religionists? Don't they know that their lives will improve once they are washed in the blood of Jesus?

Thanks again for the good work you do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A victory for Spermatazoan-Americans and Embryo-Americans

The Rubber Nun points us to an article describing what some good, godly doctors are doing to protect the lives of Spermatazoan-Americans and Embryo-Americans.

Melissa Kelley, 35, was just as stunned when her gynecologist told her she would not renew her prescription for birth control pills last fall.

"She told me she couldn't in good faith prescribe the Pill anymore," says Kelley, who lives with her husband and son in Allentown, PA. Then the gynecologist told Kelley she wouldn't be able to get a new prescription from her family doctor, either. "She said my primary care physician was the one who helped her make the decision."

Lacey's pharmacist and Kelley's doctors are among hundreds, perhaps thousands, of physicians and pharmacists who now adhere to a controversial belief that birth control pills and other forms of hormonal contraception--including the skin patch, the vaginal ring, and progesterone injections--cause tens of thousands of "silent" abortions every year. Consequently, they are refusing to prescribe or dispense them.

Thanks to reader Anntichrist Coulter for the heads up.

Rethinking 1984

I remember back when I read the Cliff Notes version of George Orwell's 1984 for a class I was taking. Life under Big Brother seemed like it would be a bad thing then, but that was before The Day That Changed Everything.

Now, in 2004, twenty years after the time in which the story was set, I understand Big Brother's world. I see the value of constant surveillance. I revere newspeak and detest thoughtcrime.

We live in an age where peace groups are infiltrated by agents of the state security apparatus, when our library records can be reviewed without a subpoena, when our Secretary of Defense tells us Oceania is at war with Iraq and Oceania has always been at war with Iraq, when politicians and opinion leaders tell us that dissent is treason, a thoughtcrime. We're safer now because of it.

As I thought about all the great things Our Leader has done to turn America into Oceania, it struck me that it is something that should be commemorated, so I created a series of t-shirts to do so. Some may argue that the design honoring Deputy Leader doesn't really relate to New Oceania, but I think it signifies the coming glorious day when life under Our Leader will be like having a boot ground into our faces, forever. I find that thought comforting. It makes me feel secure.

California Ed. Secretary teaches a lesson about names

Dear Sec. Riordan,

I see that you're taking a little heat for telling a small child that her name meant "stupid dirty girl" rather than "Egyptian goddess." I hope you aren't letting it you get you down. After all, it is your job to educate the people of California, and as we all know, ridicule is an effective tool for shaping people's lives--it's what has made me the person I am today.

It doesn't matter that her name really did mean "Egyptian goddess." That's not the point. The important thing is that she had an unusual, foreign sounding name, and we're seeing far too much of that today. That bothers a lot of us traditionally-minded folk. That's why it's important that Governor Schwarzenegger (first name: "Arnold") appoint men like you who aren't afraid of ridiculing these little girls with non-traditional non-Anglo names.

Keep up the good work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Gen. Powell's third career

How can a man top a career in which he served as both Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and Secretary of State? Why, he can join the Village People, of course. That's exactly what Secretary of State Colin Powell plans to do after he retires from Our Leader's cabinet.

As this video (Real Player) shows, General Powell tried out for the construction worker position earlier this week and did a darned good rendition of the People's greatest hit, YMCA.

I've always been a big Village People fan. Each of the members portray an important American masculine archetype--a policeman, a sailor, an Indian, a construction worker, and a biker. And their songs always get my manly juices flowing. How can they miss with such testosterone laced fare as In the Navy, YMCA, and Macho Man?

As a proud owner of an authentic pair of Village People cowboy chaps, I can truly say that the addition of Colin Powell will only make this great group even greater.

Construction Worker Powell, the General salutes you.

Thanks to reader Julian for the video link.

Next stop, the Kingdom of Heaven

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here.

Republican Jesus Archive.

Pray for Deputy Leader

Deputy Leader is under a lot of pressure lately. We've all seen him red with rage, fists clenched, yelling at people to have carnal knowledge with themselves. Who can blame him? He's had his hand in all of the things the French are screaming about--Plame, Chalabi, pre-war intelligence. People are calling for his head.

I'm worried that he'll have some kind of breakdown and kill someone. That could hurt Our Leader's chances for reselection. We need to do something to help him.

I think we should follow Presidential Prayer Team's example and ask the Lord to help Deputy Leader resist his murderous impulses. We've all seen how that organization has harnessed God's power to help Our Leader make wise decisions.

I've created the banner you see above to remind you to pray for Deputy Leader. Please do so. The future if our nation depends on it.

Taking the day off

I received a bunch of emails from readers tellng me that Mrs. Christian was lying about the derivation of the word, impotence. I need to get to the bottom of this.