Greed is good

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Republican Jesus Archive.

Taking it to the French

I snuck one of Our Leader's campaign posters onto TAS.

I'm ready to serve Alabama

Dear Attorney General King,

Congratulations on your victory in Sherri Williams v. Attorney General of Alabama. Your tireless efforts to revoke the right to "sexual privacy" has freed the nation from nights spent worrying about what depraved sexual practices may be taking place next door. Now, we no longer need to worry. We can monitor such activities, ourselves.

I've always enjoyed creeping around my neighborhood and peeking into windows in the hope that I'll see my neighbors engaged in carnal acts. Thanks to you, I now have an opportunity to turn this avocation into a vocation, or in other words, to go pro. Perhaps you could assist me iachieving this dream. Will you be creating such a position in your office soon?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Official GOP Chaplain to lead convention prayer

The General was pleased to see that Jerry Falwell has been tapped to give the opening prayer at the Republican Convention. As the following quotes demonstrate, there is no other pastor in this country who better embodies the values of Our Leader, the Anointed One.

The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.

If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.

It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.

The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc.

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.

I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!

AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.

God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve.

The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this [terrorist attacks].

And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, "You helped this [terrorist attacks] happen."

I sincerely believe that the collective efforts of many secularists during the past generation, resulting in the expulsion from our schools and from the public square, has left us vulnerable.

"Heck," she wrote

It's good to see that my landsmen behind the Zion Curtain are still doing God's work:

Oh my heck! Someone is "cleansing" the "Murder, She Wrote" mystery book series in the Central Davis Branch of the Davis County Library in Layton.
An unknown culprit has meticulously edited swear words out of some of the series' books.
Swear words have been crossed out and replaced with milder words, like "darn," "gosh" or "heck," written in black, purple, green and even pink ink.
In recent months, Charlene Heckert of Layton found five of the 10 "Murder She Wrote" books that she has read censored for content.

Raising heterosexual babies

The good folks at Landover Baptist Church provide us with an easy ten-point reference for raising good, God-fearing heterosexual babies.

Here's a sample of their wisdom:

1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.

Whenever you hve good, Godly people working hard like this to rid the world of Homsexuality's siren call, there will be those who try to bring them down. That's what's happened to Landover Baptist Church. There is nothing to fear, however, because the Geeral has taken up LBC's cause.

A thoughtcrime in Duxbury

Dear Chairman Martecchini,

The General salutes your decision to destroy the memorial to the fallen soldiers of the Iraqi war. It is unconscionable to place such a tribute to America's sons and daughters on Duxbury town property where regular citizens might see it and be tricked into committing a thoughtcrime.

But why should we stop at this one memorial. Certainly, the town's Vietnam Memorial stirs the same political passions. When people see it, don't they say, "We shouldn't have fought that war." Isn't it time we took a sledgehammer to it?

And what about Cornelius Delano? If historians are correct, as much as a third of the people of Duxbury were tories, the conservatives of their day. Don't you think their ancestors are a little put out by the political statement that is made by the memorial headstone honoring his service in the Revolutionary War? I say we dig Cornelius up and move him outside of the town limits. Are you with me?

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the helmet to Kevin at TAS for alerting the General to the Duxbury selectmen's vigilence.

Damning people left and right

Damn my inner Frenchman and that guy Jason who reads my blog.

And damn you too David Simmons for writing a book full of clever poems written in that French haiku style. It's stuff like this that will get you hauled before the Pastor General!

His pick for Defense?
It's Nixon's lawyer, Rumsfeld--
Man of probity

And then there's Ashcroft.
Where did they come up with this
New Cotton Mather?

Thanks Peter and Constance

Thanks Peter for sending me the very very French Ani Difranco CD. She's been a favorite of my inner Frenchman foe a long time.

And thank you Constance for contributing to my new computer fund.

Ninety-four isolated incidents

Dear Gen. Mikolashek,

I was relieved to read that your report on the torture of prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan found no systemic problems. I hope it puts an end to the vile lies being spread by those who have for so long rhetorically sodomized Uncle Sam with the treacherous glow sticks of treasonous speech, but I doubt that it will. You still have much work to do.

It is doubtful that much of the public will believe your assertion that the 39 deaths and 94 incidents of torture were all isolated incidents. Indeed, Sen. Carl Levin, a Frenchman, has already questioned it.

You can't let the skeptics get you down. Stand hard behind your findings and eventually the controversy will be forgotten. I know this from personal experience.

About twenty years ago, I managed a fast food restaurant where 57 isolated incidents of food poisoning resulted in three deaths. The owners and the Health Department tried to blame it on my management, saying that it was a systemic problem. I stood my ground, placing all the blame on a few employees I called "bad apples." Sure, I lost my job, but eventually most of the people in my town forgot about it. Now, I lead a fairly normal life--it's been months since I was last spat upon.

I'm sure it'll be the same for you. Most people will have forgotten your report in twenty years. Heck, I'd be very surprised if anyone, other than a few historians, calls you a whore more than two or three times a year by then.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Commander, American Christian Militia

Adonis replies

Rob Adonis responded to my invitation to have his wrestling ministry perform at the Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulations Preparedness Expo. Here's what he had to say:

From: "Rob Adonis"
To: [Gen. JC Christian, patriot]
Subject: RE: Ultimate Christian Wrestling

Mr. Christian,

By the way:
It is not a military buzz cut - It is a Caesar Cut
No I wont grow it out and color it.
No I won't wrestle like YOU are acustom to - You will not be a part of the
show. You are a fan

However,
We will come and minister and perform anywhere, including the (C.M.O.T.R.&
T.P.E.) - BUT, we do it on our terms, our way, or no way. We WILL NOT
CONFORM to anything other than where GOD LEADS US. We come to minister and
entertain. UCW is not a PARTICIPATORY SHOW. Fans are not allowed to enter
the ring in any way.

Feel fre to write back for pricing information and scheduling info.

P.S. Why Joe McCarthy's Birthday. Is this the SENATOR JOE McCarthy as in the
Communist RED SCARE of the 1950's?

Sincerely,

ROB ADONIS

Although I don't like the tone of his reply, I still want to hire his wrestling ministry. After all,  wresting and Jesus are bigger than the both of us.

Here's my reply:

Dear Mr. Adonis,

I writing you in the hopes that you will change your mind and let us participate in your wrestling event. I think the Lord wants us to do this. That said, it is your ministry, so you'd still be in charge. We'd be happy to participate within whatever guidelines you set.

We understand that your show is about good triumphing over evil. We have no problem with that. Of course, we would want to play the good guys since the audience will be filled with our fellow Christian militiamen. Your wrestlers could play evil roles like "the liberal," "the homosexual," "the atheist," "the secular humanist," and "the science teacher."

The silver headed wrestler who wears the shorts with the lips painted over his huge, bulging package would be perfect in the role of the homosexual--he already has the suit. I'd like to be the guy who wrestles him if possible, because in the past, I've encountered difficulty in resisting the hypnotic powers of a homosexual's bulge. By defeating him, I would show my men that I've overcome this problem. Do you think he'd be willing to grow his hair out and bleach it? I hope so.

You've nixed the idea of wrestling in the fashion of the ancient Spartan warriors for yourself, but have you asked your wrestlers? If not, please ask them to consider it. There are few better ways of bonding than to press naked man flesh against naked man flesh in an heterosexual orgy of godly combat. Heck, we could even project the movie Spartacus onto the screen behind the ring. That would be fabulous!

Please give my ideas your consideration.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. I noticed you addressed me as "Mr." Christian in your note. I am the commanding general of the American Christian Militia. Please address me as General Christian in future correspondence.