Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Thursday, March 31, 2005

The imposter's ear necklace

Kristinn Taylor
D.C. Chapter of FreeRepublic.com

Dear Mrs. Mr. Taylor,

After reading your defense of Jeff Gannon at Romenesko's Letters, it struck me that the Gannon harlotry scandal has a lot in common with the Schiavo compassionate exploitation controversy. I've outlined my ideas about this below. I'd like to hear what you think.

Over the last few weeks, the French and their fellow travelers in the media have repeatedly characterized the GOP's compassionate exploitation of Terri Shiavo as political opportunism. They cite three main pieces of evidence for this: the marketing of "the Palm Sunday Compromise" by the party in a way that would suggest that Democrats were siding against God; Rep. DeLay's speech to the Family Research Council where he blamed a vast left-wing conspiracy for both his and Schiavo's predicament; and a Senate Republican Caucus memo touting Schiavo's death watch as a fantastic political opportunity.

Patriots did not respond at first. Indeed, they acted as if they thought it might be true. Finally, after a number of polls showed them that they were getting hammered on the issue, they realized that the Senate memo must be a forgery. They pointed to passages lifted from a Mel Martinez press release as evidence, because as everyone knows, the Twelfth Commandment of Republican Politics is, "Thou shalt not share thy talking points."

While that might be good enough for people like us, the public needs something more. That's why I decided to look into it a little further.

Mr first inquiries were disappointing. ABC reported that "multiple sources" confirmed that the memo was distributed to Republican Senators on the Senate floor. I checked with my own sources, and they say that's what happened and named a name, Sen. Rick Santorum.

Undeterred by this bad news, I continued to investigate and soon hit the jackpot. An artist for the Spongebob Squarepants show told me that the Santorum who distributed the memos was an imposter. A cabal of Hollywood makeup artists was behind the subterfuge. They were trying to discredit God's party so that they could finish the homosexualization of our nation.

They were good. They matched every detail, even going so far as to have the fake Santorum escorted by an afghan hound. One of the dog's paws was dyed purple in honor of Iraq election. A corresponding purple smudge was placed on the back of the fake Santorum's shirt in the exact place one would expect the dog to place his paw when mounting. These Tinseltown terrorists left nothing to chance.

A few days later, their attention to detail manifested itself once again when the fake Tom DeLay made his speech to the Family Research Council. From what I understand, the phony DeLay's necklace of human ears was indistinguishable from the one Rep. DeLay wears to parties.

This is where I think the compassionate exploitation of Schiavo's death watch and the Gannon harlotry scandal are similar. You see, I don't believe that Gannon peddled his ass on the internet. I think it was an imposter. It's the "8 inch" claim that tipped me off. No true conservative would write something like that. We know that such a humongously sized little soldier is a myth spread by feminists in an attempt to make men feel inadequate. A real conservative would have bragged about having three inches. That's what we'd considered to be huge. We're not afraid to admit that, because unlike the French, we deal in fact.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Disciplining brown people, red state style

It's good to see that there are still schools in Mississippi where biblically-based disciplinary techniques are carried out with a vengeance.

When I signed up to sub at this school, I was very enthusiastic. But on my first day, I had my first experience with corporal punishment. The teacher in the adjacent class told me she had a "bad day" and had to paddle 8 kids. She seemed to be bragging about it. I could hardly believe what I was hearing.

Here's what just happened a few days ago, which is why I am so upset. On the morning of March 10, our school principal went outside to wait for the school busses. When they arrived and began to unload, he rounded up about 100 boys and told them that for not having their shirts tucked in they were going to have to choose between a 3 day suspension or a paddling. About 60 of them took the paddling.

I never saw anything like that when we lived in San Jose. There was no paddling. When a student did something wrong, our principal talked to him privately and figured out how to solve the problem. Everybody liked and respected that man. But here in this Mississippi town, it's different. The only way this principal knows how to solve problems is by paddlng students. Every day there are paddlings in the hall. Even with my classroom door shut I can hear them.

If a teacher writes up somebody for misbehavior, the result is corporal punishment. I try everything possible to solve a problem rather than write up a student because I know if I do, he or she is going to get paddled, no questions asked. Paddle first, talk later. I think our principal enjoys doing it because he doesn't seem to miss an opportunity. On the last day before spring break, he announced to the school "This is still one of the 180 learning days, and I will not put up with anybody who acts up. So, have a nice day, or not -- the choice is yours." The students think he is a jerk.

A few days ago, the regular teacher who I was relieving warned me about a new girl in class who was giving everybody a lot of trouble, that she has "an attitude problem." The teacher explained that the girl had been in the special school and they just sent her back to the mainstream. She told me to keep an eye on her, and write her up the minute she steps out of line. That way we can get her shipped back to the special school. I had that girl sit close to my desk, and I talked to her and showed an interest. That's all she needed, just somebody to be pleasant and give her a little attention and kindness. She was fine. Actually, that's all any of these children need. They don't need people hitting them.

Another time a teacher pointed out a student to me and said, "If he gives you any trouble at all, just send him down to me. I'd love to tan his black hide." Black boys get most of the paddlings in our school.

The most misunderstood scouting tradition

This must be a mistake:


The national director of programs for the Boy Scouts of America has been charged with receiving and distributing child pornography, the U.S. Attorney's office here told NBC News on Tuesday.

Douglas S. Smith Jr. was charged with one felony count of having photos that show "minors engaging in sexually explicit conduct."

Mr. Smith can't be a child pornographer. He's served us valiantly in the Red Guard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Revolution. Just look at his defense of Scouting's discrimination against Godless atheists and homosexuals:

Some intolerant elements in our society want to force scouting to abandon its values and to become fundamentally different. They want scouting to forego its constitutional rights, affirmed in 2000 by the Supreme Court in BSA v. Dale, and adopt fundamentally different values from the ones that helped shape the character of Mr. Collins and 106 million other young men over the past 94 years.

My guess is that the U.S. Attorney has misinterpreted innocent photos of the impromptu Spartan-style wrestling games held at every scouting jamboree and campout. Sure, they always end with some good, old-fashioned cornholing, but that's more about tradition than homosexuality. If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't see the most prolific practitioners of the tradition beating up weaker scouts for being homosexual--a practice so common on the last day of a jamboree or campout, it's become an honored tradition as well. I bet even the most prominent people in America, people like Jeff Gannon, Karl Rove, and even Our Leader, have participated as beaters in the latter tradition.

A tip of the helmet to reader Scott for alerting the General to this.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

We don't need no regulation

Sen. Bob Burns
Arizona State Senate

Dear Sen. Burns,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill to disband the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality. You have liberated us from a wicked tyranny imposed by those who pray to the gods of peer review and the scientific method. It's a victory that'll be remembered for many generations to come.

Now free from regulation, businesses no longer need to concern themselves with preventing releases of so-called harmful chemicals to our water, air, and land. They can focus all of their energy on a more important task, maximizing their profits.

Like so many of your contributors, I, too, was a victim of DEQ's tyrannical diktat. For years, they stonewalled my attempts to put what I call "sound science wading pools" in public parks throughout the state. These pools are designed to teach children the principles of sound science while providing them with an opportunity to participate in my favorite childhood activity, playing with mercury.

The pools will be thirty feet in diameter and filled with two feet of mercury. We'll put one of those water weenies in the middle of each one--you know those things that wiggle around like a snake and shoot water (mercury in this case) all over the place--kids love them. The children can wade though the mercury and frolic in the weenies' spray. They'll have a blast. They'll also get an education on the principles of sound science when they realize that something so fun couldn't possibly be toxic.

Now that DEQ is gone, I can begin raising money for this project. I bet the "Clean Coal Technology" people would be interested. Could you put in a good word for me?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I blame the Clenis

Hey, Wonkette gets to represent the left, why haven't I been asked to speak for the right?

Monday, March 28, 2005

Looking back

Update: The article cited by okyellowdog.com isn't recent. It's the same article I cited from a different source a year ago (compare both citations, below) The bill died in the Senate last year and as far I know, hasn't been reintroduced.

That said, these kinds of bills are gaining in popularity across the country. Backers try to conceal the fact that they target homosexuality as well as abortion, but the language is there if you read the text, critically. Of course, the General is very supportive of such rightous discrimination.


Here are a couple of posts from last April when this Michigan bill made its debut:



First, give no help

Dear Rep. Richardville,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill granting medical professionals the right to refuse treatment to homosexuals. I sincerely hope other states follow suit, because no doctor should be forced to treat a class of people they despise. Such coerced compassion is not only unchristian, it's un-American.

As much as I like the bill, I think you could have taken the concept a little further. There's a witnessing opportunity here that you missed.

People see doctors when they are medically distressed. We can use that to bring them the Gospel by refusing treatment until they accept Jesus into their hearts. If they're reluctant, the doctor could probe their unanesthetized wounds or "accidentally" drop his reflex mallet on their pounding heads until they succumb to the Holy Spirit's promptings.

It would be wrong, however, to limit such spiritually oriented treatment to only homosexuals. What about the people who helped you pass the bill, the Michigan Catholic Conference? There are many Christian doctors who believe that the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon . Shouldn't we give those doctors the right to refuse treatment until these agents of Satan are washed in the blood of Jesus?

We have the makings of a great follow-up bill here. I'd be glad to help in any way I can.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Going to jail for Jesus

Like father like son.

Le Dentist d'Spin has more.

Move over, Morning Zoo

Get ready America for the nation's next radio superstar:

After a three year sabbatical, like the aging of a fine wine, Randall Terry is back with depth, humor, comedy bits, and energy that is sure to make him one of the top contenders in the realm of talk radio.

You'll roll on the floor when you hear comedy bits like this:

Terry: Welcome to Randall Radio. Today, we're calling Planned Parenthood clinics throughout the tri-state area.

[dialing]

PP: "Planned Parenthood. How can I help you?"

Terry: "YOU'RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL WHILE DEMONS FEAST ON YOUR EYEBALLS!" [rimshot] [click]

[laugh track]

[dialing]

PP: "Planned Parenthood. How can I help you?"

Terry: "Is my handmaid, Bilhah, there?" [rimshot]
[click]

[laugh track]

[dialing]

PP: "Planned Parenthood. How can I help you?"

Terry: "SLUT!" [rimshot]
[click]

[laugh track]

Terry: It's twelve minutes after the hour and we're calling Planned Parenthood clinics.

[dialing]

PP: "Planned Parenthood. How can I help you?"

Terry: "YOUR UTERUS BELONGS TO THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION!" [rimshot]
[click]

[laugh track]

[dialing]

PP: "Planned Parenthood. How can I help you?"

Terry: "THERE'S A BOMB IN YOUR CLINIC" [rimshot]
[click]

[laugh track]

Terry: "We've run out of time for this segment. Please stay tuned because after the break, we'll be talking about "choosing life" with America's latest clog dancing divas, The Stepford Wives."

Note: Yes, it's not quite Monday yet, but I could feel that Latin American speaking Frenchwoman hot on my trail.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

The Passion of Becki Snow

I'm not sure if Terri's being allowed lipbalm - one doctor said yes, others have said no. Should I or shouldn't I? To balm, or not to balm?

Miss Poppy Dixon has more.

She spends her day inciting mobs and washing feet and still looks pretty at 6pm.

Jen Schroder
blessedcause.org

Dear Miss Schroder,

I've been a fan of your work for quite a while. I'm particularly fond of two pieces of your artwork, Edugod, in which you depict an evil education God striking impressionable children with lightening bolts of critical thinking, and Crucifying the Holy Temples, where you show atheists, homosexuals, Muslims, and the National Education Association nailing the body of Christ to a cross.

You've surpassed yourself, however, with the graphic you posted in your renewamerica.com column, yesterday. Portraying Florida's Supreme Court justices as terrorists was pure genius. It's good to see that Godly people have discovered that inciting mobs to commit violent acts is an effective way to exercise our right to petition our government to redress grievances. Certainly, it is what Jesus had in mind when he worked through our founding fathers to create our constitution.

I bet it was this kind of christo-anarchist thinking that convinced Alan Keyes to publish your work. That and the foot washing. As I'm sure you've learned from your footwashing wench ministry, there's nothing a man likes more than to have an unfamiliar woman wash his feet. It gives us a glimpse of the power we once held and will someday hold again.

Thanks again for brightening so many of my days with your columns, artwork, and promises of footwashing.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Email

I get a lot of email. I don't have time to reply to each one. I do, however, read them all, and I like hearing from you.

Please, don't get angry if you don't get a response from me. It doesn't mean that I hate you or your email. It's just that I have a limited amount of free time. If I spent it trying to answer emails, I wouldn't have time to post.

The miracle of the mud flap

I noticed something funny when I went out to my command vehicle this morning. I couldn't quite figure out what was different, but something about it made the hair on my back stand straight up. Slowly, I walked around the old pickup truck and examined every scratch, crease, and dent hoping to find the source of my unease.

When I got around to the back, I saw it, a message from our Lord, Jesus Christ, so powerful that it brought me straightway to my knees. You see, dust, dirt, and mud had formed an image on the mud flap--I was staring straight into the eyes of Jeb Bush.

It can only mean one thing. God wants Jeb to walk into Terri Schiavo's hospice room and save her from the people who are trying to end her suffering. Sure, it could end in his arrest and the death of his political career, but given Jeb's recent actions and pronouncements on the case, it's the only option an honorable man like him has. If he fails to do it, people would rightly say that he doesn't really believe the things he's been saying and that he was only trying to build political capital by exploiting an unfortunate woman's suffering.

I think that's why God sent us this miracle of the mud flap. It's His reminder to Jeb that the job isn't finished.

Tom DeLay does the Lord's work



Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Is Hal Turner going to Florida?

From his website:

Web Site Updates Temporarily offline.
I am traveling to do something important.


Update: The more I think about this, the more freaked out I get. I bet he turns up in Florida, and I hope no one gets hurt other than him

Thanks Ellen

The General thanks Ellen from Wayland for the great This American Life CD. It's his Inner Frenchman's favorite radio show although they don't have Sarah Vowell on nearly enough anymore.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Blog the Revolution

The Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution will not be televised; it will be blogged.

DeLay leads the vanguard

I posted a new Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution poster at TAS.

A Nobel nominee in the family

Rep. Mike Bilirakis
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Bilirakis,

Sean Hannity had Dr. William Hammesfahr on his TV show the other day, and he kept mentioning that the doctor has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in Medicine. I looked into this and learned that you are responsible for nominating him. That gave me an idea.

You see, my nephew, Strom-Bob Christian, isn't the brightest boy around--he stopped going to school after the 5th grade--but, that kid can cook up a batch of meth out of just about anything. Old tires, shoes, Moon Pies, it doesn't matter--he'll turn it into crank faster than Tom DeLay can snatch a dollar from a pharmaceutical lobbyist.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like he's a criminal or anything. He's not selling it to brown people. Truckers buy it to stay awake. It's his way of helping commerce. More importantly, he accepted Jesus into his life five years ago, so he pays a healthy tithe on the money he makes.

Unfortunately, the cops have a hard time distiguishing between good and bad meth makers, so he always seems to be in court. I figure that you can help him out with that by nominating him for a Nobel Peace Prize in Chemistry. I don't think the police arrest Nobel nominees.

How about it? Can you help Bob-Strom?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

NJ Republican superstar posts a comment

New Jersey Republican superstar Hal Turner has blessed this humble blog with a comment. Yesterday, the former Republican congressional candidate, party chair, and Buchanan for President organizer visited Jesus' General and left a note berating the French for blaming white supremacists for the Lefkow murders.

He's sensitive about such speculation, because he had posted Judge Lefkow's photo and address on his website in an attempt to "rib" her for ruling against fellow neo-nazi, Matt Hale, in a trademark case.

Being the good-natured comic he is, he ended his diatribe against those who blamed white supremacists for the killings by vowing to post more addresses of federal judges on his website, so they'd know they're not "untouchable."

Mr. Turner's comment:

Now that the Lefkow killings have been proven totally unrelated to any evil white racists, all of you can take your foot out of your mouth.

But rest assured, I will continue to stoke the fire of public criticism upon judges; giving out their home addresses and the like.

These high and mighty people have had a good laugh for a long time, thinking they were untouchable. Not anymore!

-- Hal Turner

Turner on Schiavo (He pulled everything from his website. Here's the Google cache):

I advocate the use of force to rescue Terri Schiavo from being starved to death.
I further advocate the killing of anyone who interferes with such rescue. -- Hal Turner

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Traditional moral values: our gift to the poor

One of the things I like most about the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution is that it allows us to force the poor to live the kinds of lives we claim to live ourselves. That said, the system isn't perfect. Sometimes, the poor actually get to make the same choices as the rest of us. Thank God we have the Justice Department around to set things right when that happens. That's what they're doing in Jane Doe's case:

Jane Doe told Zilly her story on Aug. 6, 2002. She and her husband were overjoyed when they learned in April that she was pregnant.

"We told our families and friends. Because my husband is enlisted in the Navy, and I worked at the Naval Exchange, we didn't have a lot of income. So we decided to start buying diapers every time we went to the grocery store, so we would have a good supply when the baby was born. There's an extra room in our apartment, which we painted pale blue in anticipation that this would be the baby's room."

Unfortunately, Eighteen weeks into the pregnancy, Jane learned that her baby would be born without a forebrain, cerebellum, or cranium. It's a condition called Anencephaly and is 100 percent fatal, although the babies live a very fulfilling, albeit painful, life for a few minutes after their born.

Jane, 19 years old at the time, was crushed. Not knowing what to do, she made her first mistake and looked to health care professionals for guidance rather than her pastor. They led her down a path of sin:

"I talked to the medical staff and counselors, and then my husband and I discussed what we should do," Jane Doe told the court. "We talked about it with our families. Finally, we all agreed that it would be best for me to end the pregnancy now."

But providence intervened. The procedure would cost them $3000. That was much more than they could afford. Jane's husband was a seaman in the Navy. They don't make much money, because Our Leader wisely pays most of their salary in the currencies of platitudes and food stamps.

Jane and her husband turned to Tri-Care, the insurance company charged with seeing to the health of our fighting men and women. They denied the young couple's request, citing the Hyde amendment--named after it's author, a pious swinger from Illinois, it bars federal funding for abortions. It's one of the most successful tools we use to force the poor to live under our moral strictures.

Jane, too selfish to undergo the physical and emotional traumas that giving birth to a dying baby would entail, took Tri-Care to court. An activist judge heard her case and ordered the insurance company to pay for an abortion.

Almost three years have passed since Jane had the abortion, but fortunately, the case doesn't end there. The Department of Justice is determined that Jane pay a price for her act of defiance and is suing her for the cost of the procedure.

At first glance, one might think that Justice is only doing what the Hyde Amendment directs them to do, but it's more than that. Justice is not merely arguing the case on its technical merits. They are also making morality-based arguments:

Federal lawyers have aggressively appealed the Navy wife's case, often using moral arguments against abortion.

[...]

In 2003, the government lawyers also cited moral arguments for denying military medical coverage. Prohibiting federal funding of abortions "reflects and effectuates a moral judgment to value all human life, including the life of an anencephalic infant."

The government's refusal to fund abortion "furthers the government's interest in protecting human life in general and promoting respect for life," the lawyers said in their appeal.

Hopefully, the Justice Department, backed by the power of the mightiest nation on this earth, will prevail against this young, impoverished, traumatized woman. After all, somebody has to actually live their lives according to our moral values or all our work will be for naught. It might as well be the poor.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Jeff Gannon, abstinence spokesmodel

Majority Leader Bill Frist, MD
United States Senate

Dear Dr. Majority Leader Frist,

I was very impressed by your ability to make a diagnosis of Terri Schiavo's condition after doing nothing more than viewing a videotape. That was one fancy bit of doctoring if you ask me.

Seeing you in action gave me an idea. I'm sure you've heard of the new sexually transmitted diseases that aren't transmitted sexually. They're spreading like wildfire among teens who've taken abstinence pledges as a part of their abstinence-only sex education courses.

I'm worried that this outbreak will be used by libertines as an excuse to kill abstinence-only programs. We need to do something to prevent that from happening.

What we need now is a spokesperson-role model for these programs. It has to be someone who adults will respect and kids will want to emulate. Who could be better for that job than former White House Correspondent Jeff Gannon. He's conservative, manly, and military oriented--I've heard that he's even served Our Leader's top aides as a military escort. More importantly, he's Christian and single, so he must be a virgin.

Before we approach him, we need to know that he hasn't been stricken by one of these non-sexual STD's--being abstinent, he's a prime target for such diseases. It wouldn't do us much good if he has some form of the chastity clap. We're trying to shake that image.

That's where you come in. I found these pictures [may not be work-safe] of Mr. Gannon on the internet. He's naked, so I suspect they were taken at some kind of Spartan-style wrestling match.

We need you to look at the photos, examine his "little White House correspondent," and tell us if you see purity sores or any other symptom of a non-sexually transmitted sexually transmitted disease. Once you give him a clean bill of health, We'll ask Sen. Santorum to approach him with an offer.

Please let us know what you find.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Dig up the Gipper

Rep. Tom DeLay
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. DeLay,

As I read your words about Terri Schiavo,"She talks and she laughs and she expresses likes and discomforts," I was struck with the realization that this description could just as truthfully apply to the greatest president in the history of the United States, Ronald Wilson Reagan.

You have to do something to save him before it's too late. He has to be dug up as soon as possible.

We know Nancy won't do it, so you need to put legislation on the floor. You have to do it right now. You have to do it now for the Gipper.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Purge the olds from literature



John Gaines, Mayor Pro Tem
City of El Segundo

Dear Mr. Gaines,

It's not often that the people are blessed with an elected official with the balls to take on foreigners and communists. The citizens of El Segundo are lucky to have you.

Councilpersons in most towns would have granted their library's request to name rooms after internationalist lackies like Agatha Christie and Jack London, but not you. Instead, you told the librarian that in El Segundo, library rooms aren't named after limeys and pinkos.

I trust that you called in the Red Guard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution after you made your decision. The subversive librarian must be paraded down Main Street in a dunce cap and subjected to criticism. It's the only way to warn other possible liberal-roaders that we will not allow their kind to interfere with the achievement of Our Leader's glorious vision for America. As Our Leader once said, "By making the right choices, we can make the right choice for our future."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Monday, March 21, 2005

Ending the Blastocyst-American Holocaust

Rep. Glenn Anderson
Washington State Legislature

Dear Rep. Anderson,

I can't understand why anyone would be upset with you for comparing stem cell research to the Holocaust. It makes perfect sense to me. Especially considering the cost in lives. While only ten million people were systematically executed during the Holocaust, medical research centers have ripped billions of stem cells from the protoplasm of Blastocyst-Americans.

Some would accuse you of diminishing the tragedy of the Holocaust by making such a comparison. They'd call it a cheap political stunt and use adjectives like "shameless" and "reprehensible" to describe it. Those who would do so fail to understand that people like you and me truly believe that stem cell research is a holocaust. They'll change there minds once they see what we're willing to treat stem cell research the same way we'd treat any other holocaust.

Since we first learned of the existence of Nazi concentration camps, Americans have been firm in their resolve to never allow such an atrocity to occur again. We've committed ourselves to intervening whenever we see genocide occurring anywhere outside of Africa. We need to honor that commitment in regard to the Blastocyst-American holocaust.

That's why I'm asking you to pass legislation requiring the redeployment of the Washington National Guard from Iraq to the United States so that they may bring freedom to the billions of Blastocyst-Americans living in stem cell research facilities. You need to do this as soon as possible. Thousands of Blastocyst-Americans die every moment you hesitate.

Sure, withdrawing that many troops from Iraq will cause a manpower shortage there, but that's nothing new. We've been dealing with the problem of an inadequately sized occupation force since day one. The important thing is that we free up some soldiers to invade medical research facilities. We have a holocaust to stop here in America, and by gosh, we have to act quickly. We can always go back to Iraq and kill more brown people later. They're not going anywhere.

I'd be glad to help you in any way I can.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Note: I first saw this story at commenter Carl's blog.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Getting tough on kindergarten criminals

Governor Jeb Bush
State of Florida

Dear Gov. Bush,

I like order. It's very important to me. That's why I voted for your brother. He understands that order is good for business, and, by gawd, he'll have it. If mass arrests of brown people don't achieve order, then maybe torture or an AC 130H Spectre gunship will do the trick.

I'm worried that you don't have the same commitment to keeping things orderly. For instance, I've noticed a slippage in the amount of force used against kindergarten criminals in your state. Where just a few month ago, you tazed kindergartners for bad behavior, you molly coddle them now.

Read the following from the Tallahassee Democrat and I think you'll see what I mean:

A 5-year-old girl was arrested, cuffed and put in back of a police cruiser after an outburst at school where she threw books and boxes, kicked a teacher in the shins, smashed a candy dish, hit an assistant principal in the stomach and drew on the walls.

The students were counting jelly beans as part of a math exercise at Fairmount Park Elementary School when the little girl began acting silly. That's when her teacher took away her jelly beans, outraging the child.

Minutes later, the 40-pound girl was in the back of a police cruiser, under arrest for battery. Her hands were bound with plastic ties, her ankles in handcuffs.

"I don't want to go to jail," she said moments after her arrest Monday.

What has happened to Florida? No tazing, no clubbing, no chokeholds, no mention at all of traditional Florida justice.

Your brother wouldn't let things slip like this. I'm sure that if he was Governor, he'd hunt that little girl down right now and taze the hell out of her. Then, he'd probably mock the way she pled for mercy to get a few laughs out of Attorney General Gonzales.

Well, there's still time to set this right. I hope that you will do so promptly.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Proud to be frightened

I admit it. I'm a frightened little coward. There's nothing wrong with that. You can't truly be a patriotic American these days unless you're as frightened as a neocon in a room full of Army recruiters. It's the central organizing feature of conservative politics.

The NRA was built on cowardice. They've become one of this nation's most powerful lobbying groups by fighting such things as trigger locks, armor-piercing ammunition bans, and background checks on the basis that such measures would interfere with a person's ability to defend his or her home against criminals.

Think about that for a minute. How often do home invasions occur? You have to be one frightened puppy to buy into that kind of rhetoric. I am that frightened. That's why I have as many loaded guns lying around my house as I have gladiator movies on my shelves. It may not be rational, but by God, it's Second Amendment patriotic.

Constitutional law professors like Eugene Volokh at UCLA and Alan Dershowitz at Harvard proudly declare their support for torture. Just last week, Dershowitz waxed orgasmic on the value of inserting sterilized needles under the fingernails of suspected evildoers. On Wednesday, Volokh's id was prominantly on display in a post where he suggested that beating people to death could be very satisfying. In an exercise of conlibertarian cowardice rivaling anything originating out of the Executive Office Building, he later backed off after being thoroughly chastised by Beatitude Jesus worshiping Frenchmen.

For nearly four years, we have held an American citizen, Jose Padilla, in solitary confinement without charging him for a crime. Those who have spoken out against this denial of habeas corpus have been ridiculed and branded as being weak and unpatriotic--they simply don't feel the fear that consumes real patriots like myself.

Five years ago, no respectable person would dare to even think that Americans should employ torture or eliminate due process. September Eleventh changed everything. It turned us into a nation of timid, frightened, but still manly, little bunnies. We have become so afraid of extremely rare acts terrorism, we are now eagerly disposing of our most cherished democratic values.

Yes, I'm frightened, but that's what makes me a better American than you.

Blessed is CNN



Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Souls for sale

I wrote a letter to the Log Cabin Republicans. You can read it at the redesigned TAS.

All the pink they have over there now doesn't mean anything, so shut up.

AC to wrestle Gary Glenn

One of our most beloved commenters, Anntichrist Coulter, has been exchanging email with Gary Glenn of the Michigan Family Association. AC was prompted to write Mr. Glen after she read my letter to him and his response to me. I'm rather perplexed by AC's frenchness in the first few letters--she's usually so patriotic. She makes up for it, however, by offering to settle their disagreement by wrestling.

Her emails are printed below. Mr' Glenn's responses are italicized.

Date: 2005/03/16 Wed AM 03:20:09 GMT
To:
Subject: bigots

Nice. You persecute an eighth-grader for being different. I bet you were all bullies when you were in Junior High, too, weren't you. You're nothing more than pointy-headed BIGOTS, using YOUR PERSONAL CULT MEMBERSHIP to infringe on the rights of others.

Get a life, and leave everybody else ALONE.

If you people were a little more secure in your own cults, you probably wouldn't feel the need to attack everybody else about THEIRS.

And, as an aside, you never see ATHEISTS burning down buildings, using themselves as suicide bombers, or shooting doctors in their own homes, do you?

You might want to consider why that is, if, indeed, any of you are capable of any introspection deeper than "Dumbya said it, I believe it, that settles it!"


Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2005 9:27 PM
Subject: Re: bigots

Joanna, we're definitely moved by your intellectual prowess.

In fact, the 8th grader, while misguided, was not at fault, but the school staff who supposedly oversee publication of the paper obviously were.

Thanks for writing.


Date: 2005/03/16 Wed AM 03:33:17 GMT
To:
Subject: Re: bigots

Oh, aren't you quaint.

When you single the girl out for daring to speak in her school newspaper about her experimentation with Wicca, and you make a very public point of screaming as fanatics are wont to do about how "wrong" that is --- you might MOUTH reprimands to the "school staff" --- but you're ostracizing the child.

And as far as "misguided" goes --- any "family" organization that is more worried about Wicca than, say, people in America starving, going homeless, going without health care, et cetera --- nice priorities, folks. Reallllllll mature.

Must be a nice cul-de-sac where you live.

(cul-de-sac: French for DEAD END.)

Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2005 9:42 PM
Subject: Re: Re: bigots

Quaint, mature, and correct.

I'm certain you won't be terribly distressed if I say we'll continue to pursue our priorities with or without your approval. Certainly encourage you to feel free to do the same.

Actually, when on TV discussing this issue, there were no screams. Said it was wrong, which it obviously was, in a very normal tone of voice.

You having fun yet? I assume that's why you're writing, since you surely suffer no delusions that your ever-so-tolerant "pointy-headed bigot" routine is likely to have any actual effect on our views...right?


Date: 2005/03/16 Wed AM 03:49:15 GMT
To:
Subject: Re: Re: bigots

I don't try to convert the lost, pumpkin.

It's just fun, once in a while to remind them of how lost they really are... And any sect as separated from reality as yours is, well... y'all are just begging for parody.

It's just such a shame, that people who pride themselves on being so "good" and "pious" and "right" --- really don't give a good goddamn about anybody else on the planet. Condemn, condemn, condemn, but never a sweat do you break to actually, realistically HELP anyone.

So yes, I'm sure that you suburbanite scumbags will continue right along with your pontificating and posturing... but never for one moment should you believe that anyone besides you and your sheeple actually BUYS THAT ACT.

We all know what you are really about, that's the reason we occasionally grant attention to sideshows such as your own. To remind the logical humans that the brainwashing, bigoted, Stepfordized herd is still out there, and they still feel entitled to run the world. No matter how far from reality that opinion may be --- and it's pretty damned far.

Sent: Tuesday, March 15, 2005 10:15 PM
Subject: Re: Re: bigots

You've obviously mistaken us for someone who cares who or how many agree or disagree.

Have had nothing but encouragement on the issue from folks up here, aside from e-mails such as yours from readers of WitchVox or wherever you suddenly discovered the issue.

But don't let us stop you from whatever fun you're having.
We'll take it in the tolerant, loving spirit in which it's sent.


After careful consideration of our earlier discourse, it appears to me that we probably will never meet any sort of consensus through purely literary conversation.

And thus, after careful and deep discussion with Jesus' General, an idea came to me, that I thought would be the most effective form of a "meeting of the minds," as it were.

As soon as we can secure the proper venue and promotional opportunities, the Women's Corps of the Jesus' General Militia will be holding our very own Women's Corps Convention, wherein we plan to offer many educational seminars and shop-class-style demonstrations. During the course of the evening entertainment, several of the ladies of the WC have volunteered to entertain the troops, as it were, in a Death-Match Winner-Take-All Wrestling Meet. We will be inviting such celebrities as Ann Coulter, Peggy Noonan, Karen Hughes, Michelle Malkin, Laura Bush, and others of their ilk to participate in our Tag-Team events.

And, as I have, myself volunteered for the wrestling portion of the festivities, I thought that it would make a lovely statement, a bridging of the gap, as it were, to offer you the opportunity to wrestle me in our very own Death Match. A kind of co-ed meet, so that the men who may be attending might also enjoy the girls' only entertainment schedule.

While we have not, as yet, cemented a firm calendar for these events, I thought it best to give you the heads-up as soon as possible, so that you might keep a spot on your calendar open for us. All proceeds from the Convention (above the overhead, obviously) will be going to charity, so it's kind of one of those kill-two-birds-with-one-stone deals.

Please let us know as soon as possible if you are available to participate, as we would like to start having you measured for the costume fittings as soon as we can. Also, please let us know if you have any allergies to spandex, latex, processed leather, feathers, formaldehyde, or any food-based allergies, such as to Jell-O, pudding, whipped cream, or grits.

Again, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed our little tete-a-tete, and hope that we can "hammer out" more of our disagreements in the ring.

Sincerely,

[AC]

Friday, March 18, 2005

Straight Pride World Wide

Adam Key
WhiteStraightPride.com

Dear Adam,

I take great comfort in the knowledge that manly, heterosexual, young men like yourself are out there defending our great nation against the armies of Sodom. Unlike the legions of college juniors who spend their time either studying or drinking, you devote nearly every waking moment thinking about the scourge of homosexuality. You've even made a career out of it as the Public Relations Director of StraightPride.com.

It looks like a good company with an invaluable product. The pictures say it all. Your t-shirts automatically raise a man's score on the manly scale of absolute gender a full five points. With a shirt like that, a man never has to worry that someone might think he's a homosexual. I'm ordering one for every day of the week. Then, I can flush my Xanax down the toilet.

Do you share your company president's other passion? I understand that he frequently posts to the white nationalist site, Stormfront.org and is a follower of David Duke. That's not surprising. If you think about it, there isn't really a lot of difference between hating homosexuals and hating ethnic minorities.

Do you ever get up to the Pacific Northwest? I'd like to invite you to spend a weekend at my compound. I have a vast collection of gladiator movies. I bet you'd love Spartacus. I even have costumes we can wear. I'll be the Roman centurion and you can be my slave boy, Fellatios. It'll be fun

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Do you like wrestling.

A helmet tip to Dan Coates.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Traditional Jim Crow Values

Wellington Boone
Wellington Boone Ministries

Dear Bishop Boone,

I've been a fan of yours ever since I first saw you speak at a Promise Keepers rally. I'll never forget that day. The crowd collectively gasped when you got on stage. Somewhere behind me I heard someone yell, "That man's a Negro!" Things weren't looking good.

Then you spoke. You said, "I want to boldly affirm Uncle Tom," and the mumbling stopped. "The black community must stop criticizing Uncle Tom," you continued, "He is a role model." From that moment on, you had the audience eating out of your hand.

Since that day, you've delivered the same message in countless, sermons, magazine articles, and books. It's a good message. It lessens the fear many of us have for brown people. We feel comfortable around those who try to buy our acceptance by forfeiting there self respect. It makes us feel like there may be a place for us in the ownership society.

Unfortunately, some of the fear remains. We know that Uncle Tom won't beat us up, but somewhere in the back of our minds, we wonder if he might not steal the silverware. That's why I think you should modify your message by asking the black community to embrace Steppin Fetchit.

Think about it. Steppin Fetchit, or at least the characters he played, is the perfect black man for the current times. Nobody fears him because he completely marginalizes black people as economic and political threats. You'll be the most popular black man on the revival circuit. I bet Our Leader might even consider you for a seat on his Civil Rights Advisory Board.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thanks to reader Dow for the tip.

Thanks Ceris

I really appreciate the books you sent, Barkun's Religion and the Racist Right, anf Sy Hersh's Chain of Command. It made my day when I opened the box.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The bane of bosoms

Mrs. Lydia Sherman
Ladies Against Feminism

Dear Mrs. Sherman,

I'm a big fan of your site. I've ordered Ofjosua to memorize every article so that she can be the kind of wife Jesus would have wanted. I'm not saying that He ever wanted a wife, and I'm not saying He didn't want one either. Maybe He just liked being a bachelor. There's nothing wrong with that even if you are thirty-two years old and live in a pre-industrial society. I suppose being the Savior took up a lot of His day. There probably wasn't much time left for dating.

Anyway, Ofjoshua just recited Scott Jonas' article from your site. I think it was called Should Women Play Sports? Darn fine article. I agreed with every word of it. It's very true that "sports greatly hinders the development of godly, Biblical, feminine character," and trains women "to be like men so they can better compete with men in traditionally masculine roles," and to "develop a competitive and contentious spirit that will cause them to have great difficulty in their marriages."

I also agree with Scott's observations about the attractiveness of athletic women:

...if you look at pictures of female athletes who play sports or observe them on the playing fields, you will notice that many develop strong, muscular bodies. Female athletes also sneer, wince, push, and fight just like the men. I notice these things all the time in pictures in our hometown newspaper. The sneers are most obvious; they make young women very unfeminine. The masculine uniforms and sweaty bodies aren?t very attractive, either.

That bit got me to thinking about how women appear in other venues like on the street. All that make-up and tawdry fashion is unbecoming of them. When men see a woman looking like that, they'll often have impure thoughts.

And it's really more than just the clothing and make-up. It's other things like their bosoms. All of the guys I know can't help but to stare at the bosoms of every woman they see. It's the way God made us. Well, most of us anyway. For some reason, bosoms don't affect me that way. I think it's because I've been washed in the blood of Jesus. I doubt he liked bussoms either.

It's awfully hard to hide bosoms, so I think it might be better if women weren't allowed to go out in public except during certain hours to shop for groceries, and even then, they should wear something long and shapeless. Of course the feminists would scream about it, but we'll find husbands for them, and they'll quickly learn to accept their roles as Christian women.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Auntie Nym's husband because it would be inappropriate for me to thank a another man's lady.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The FBI does God's work

Secret FBI files on suspected homosexual cartoon characters.

Trading emails with Gary Glenn

Gary Glenn
American Family Association of Michigan

Dear Mr. Glenn,

Thank you for responding [see below] to my email about Wiccan puppetry in our schools. It's prompted a few questions.

Did you seek any punishment for the child? Won't she continue to experiment with witchcraft if she is spared the glorious corrective powers of the rod? I'm worried that you have fallen victim to the modern, anti-punishment heresies popularized by the late Dr. Spock.

And what about the aunt? Have you forgotten the words of Exodus 22:18, "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live?" How can we use Leviticus as the basis for persecuting homosexuals while ignoring Exodus when it comes to witches? Shouldn't you be gathering wood and sinking a stake right now?

Finally, by urging the school to censor articles on Wicca, aren't you inadvertantly arguing that they to do the same for articles about Christianity? After all, to the secular world, aren't all religions the same?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Mr. Glenn's response:

Hi JC,

Thanks for your support.

Actually, the unnamed 8th grader said her aunt is a witch, and she (the 8th grader) is only "experimenting" with being a witch.

Since the middle school newspaper is purportedly published only under the supervision of adult staff, it is the school administration (particularly the teacher who serves as staff advisor for the paper) who was at fault.

As to how we prevent Wiccan puppetry, the solution is easy. Schools should teach the truth, which does not -- or at least, should not -- require equal time for falsehood.

Gary Glenn, President
American Family Association of Michigan

Monday, March 14, 2005

Perdition's Puppets

Gary Glenn
American Family Association of Michigan

Dear Mr. Glenn,

The spirit of the Lord touched me in a way I found pleasurable yet disturbing as I read your report on witches at Midland school. I say pleasurable because I was physically stirred by your bold defense of Christian values. It took balls to stand up to a real live witch even if she is only in the eighth grade.

Like you, I fear witchcraft's seductive power. Indeed, I yearn to have my "feet, knees, stomach, breasts [masculine man-breasts in my case--there's nothing wrong with that], and lips" kissed by a comely spell caster, and the part about them drawing figures on my little soldier is very tempting.

That's what makes them so dangerous. It's every man's fantasy. Who among us hasn't drawn a face on his soldier's helmet and performed a little puppet show? It's as funny as it is erotic, although, believe me, it can cause problems in a locker room. I hate those humorless bastards at the YMCA. I thought the diving into the foxhole thing was funny. Perhaps I should have warned Pastor Roberts first.

Anyway, while I was glad that you thwarted the Wiccans in Midland, I'm concerned about another headline I saw on the same page. Apparently, a Christian woman convinced officials in her district to be more accepting of religious practices in their schools. Don't get me wrong, I think it's time we put God back into the classroom. But doesn't that mean that other religions are welcome as well? What about Wiccans? If we allow Christian Prayer in school won't that lead to rampant Wiccan puppetry? How can we prevent it?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the Helmet to reader Dan. Thanks for the tip.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

A defeat for the defenders of the One True Orthodoxy

Joel Campbell
Brigham Young University

Dear Dr. Campbell,

I am very sorry to hear that the Provo City Library rejected your advice and reversed their decision to ban the Salt Lake City Weekly from their shelves. I shudder at the thought that innocent children might be exposed to the likes of Ernie Pooks Comeek or This Modern World. Such cartoons encourage seditious thought by prompting readers to question political, cultural, and religious orthodoxy. The authors of these seditious drawings understand that the question is a powerful weapon, one that can topple even the greatest of imposed belief systems.

Worse yet, the comics serve as a gateway to the harder seditious materials found in the Weekly's news and opinion sections. Today's reader of Compound Eye Witness News will surely move on to intellectual pornography like Your Money, Their Curriculum and The Interrogator which question the effectiveness of charter schools and the use of tried and true interrogation methods on the hostages we've taken in the War to Resubjugate Brown People.

I suppose we can take some solace from the library director's decision to move the weekly from the lobby area so that children can't take it into the restrooms with them. Lord knows what kinds of depraved behavior might occur if they sat down on the john and read reviews for the movie, Shark Tale, a recruiting tool for the homosexual lifestyle. Library restrooms are hard enough to keep clean as it is.

I hope you're not discouraged by this. We need you out their fighting to keep alternative viewpoints from competing with accepted ways of thinking.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Saturday, March 12, 2005

A tithe from Medicare



Trent Lott blesses the tithe collectors.

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Friday, March 11, 2005

A curiously strong body of Christ

The Very Reverend Monsignor Michael J. Wrenn
Institute of Religious Studies
Saint Joseph's Seminary

Dear Monsignor Wrenn,

As a fellow warrior for Christ, I know that I can depend on you to defend the Church against a heresy so fraught with evil, I tremble even as I write this letter. Only the knowledge that you have the fortitude to prevent this crime against God prevents me from pounding my head violently against a brick wall until all cares are obliterated by unconsciousness.

You have fought these battles many times before. Your defense of the catechism against the memory of Thomas Merton and the vile blasphemy of gender-neutral language is quickly becoming legendary. I have faith that you'll be successful in the fight you must soon undertake: the defense of the Host.

You see, the Danish Church is considering adding flavor to the Body of Christ. They speak of wafers which taste like a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour--yes, a baguette, a bread as French as a Jeff Gannon clip reel.

Being Scandinavians, you know they won't stop there. How long will it be before they replace the wafer with a Mentos mint? Can Mentos every really be the Transubstantiationmaker®?

We need to head them off by introducing our own, American-style host. One that expresses our nation's recent rejection of feminism. We need a manly host, a curiously strong body of Christ, something that'll make you jump up from your kneeling position and scream, "holy Jesus!" I hope you'll agree that Altoids are the only available option.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The General tips his helmet to reader iocaste for the lead.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

"A 10 on tha Manly Scale of Absolute Pimp"

Somebody found Jesus' General via this foreign search engine. I don't recognize the language, but I suspect it's French. I bet the bastards are calling me a homosexual. I'm not. It's very important that you understand that. Don't believe a damned word that comes out of Col. Cleetus' purty little mouth.

The General is not a homosexual

The French are at it again. First, they try to marginalize my important conservative message by giving me a Koufax Award for humor. Now, one of their newspapers, the Star Tribune, is saying I'm a homosexual:

Jesus' General[:] Political blog from the viewpoint of a gay man, with LIBERAL doses of sarcasm, irony and humor.

Long time readers know that it's not true. Sure, I earned a few bucks by allowing other men to violate every orifice in my body, but that doesn't mean I'm a homosexual. I only did it to get the experience I need to be a White House reporter.

I hate homosexuality. Fighting it is the major focus of my militia ministry. It's a huge sacrifice on my part. It forces me to think about homosexual sex every waking minute of my life. I do it so you don't have to.

I don't even look like a homosexual. I'm a big, hairy, bear of a man. Even my wife, Ofjoshua, can't escape the aura of my masculinity. It's the source of her nickname, "Beard." Every time we go into town, I hear people whispering, "there goes the Bear and his Beard." I don't know why they giggle when they say that. I suppose it's just nervousness.

My anticlimactic ash storm

It looks like Northwest Cable News covers possible volcanic ash blizzards the same way they cover storms. Contrary to their hype, we weren't buried in a pompeian deluge of St Helens' cinders. In fact it's hard to find any evidence that an ash cloud passed through here.

Thanks to everyone who expressed concern for Ofjoshua. She's breathing fine.

Wow, another thank you

I'm sure a lot of you are growing tired of the General thanking readers for sending things, but Amazon doesn't include the sender's email address with the receipt. This is usually the only way I can express my thanks. I say usually, because this time, the sender, Dean from Chicago, wrote me a note last week. I could just thank him by sending an email, but I thanked everyone else publicly, so I should do the same for him.

So thank you Dean from Chicago.

He sent me a book by that French, warm-blooded, sea carnivore from Seattle. It's called Death on the Fourth of July. It sounds very patriotic and I look forward to reading it. Heck, maybe I'll even get the author to sign it the next time I go to the Emerald City for a paddling. Don't go reading anything in to that. I'm not saying that David Neiwert is the man who I pay to spank me back into righteousness after I've sinned. I don't think he does that kind of thing. After all, he's a journalist, not a White House reporter.

Dean also sent me this interesting link to a network map of political books based on purchase patterns It's fascinating.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Abandoning values

The General's heart soars whenever he sees Democrats betraying their basic values. Indeed, my little soldier awakens from his paralysis and stands at attention every time Joe Lieberman praises the Eternal War Against Brown People or Joe Biden humps the leg of a credit card magnate like a hounddog at a Santorum family picnic. Of course, it doesn't mean that I'm inclined to vote for them--not as long as there are real Republicans in the race--it's just fun to see them debase themselves in a fruitless effort to pander to folks like me.

That's why I'm so happy to see Ed Rendell and the Democratic establishment doing everything they can to convince pro-choicers to abandon plans to run against Sen. Santorum. It's good to see the Democrats adopting a patriarchal approach to women's rights. We'll applaud them for doing so right up to the moment we pull the lever for Santorum.

They should consider a similar approach for winning back the South, a region that was solidly blue until the Democrats embraced civil rights. "Segregation now and forever," should be their rallying cry. They'll win the respect of every confederate-American from Little Rock to Tallahassee. Heck, it might even get them a few votes if the Republican Party should suddenly disintegrate.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The ash is starting to fall.

I listen to Majority Report via Sirius during my 90 mile post-sundown commute home and am therefore unable to hear local news. Imagine my surprise when I stopped for gas at the station near my house and learned that the gray stuff on my car is the beginning of a Mt St Helens ash storm. I don't know how much we'll get, but I'll try to get some pictures.

I don't know if I'll post anything else tonight. I'll be glued to the TV and the web. My wife has asthma and the ash is worrisome.

Clarification: I only listen to Majority Report so that I can monitor Mr. Crowley, who I believe to be the antichrist. I hope to catch him admitting to Jean Ann and Sam that he's responsible for stealing Rep. DeLay's soul.

Death squad hilarity

The General's old usenet buddy, Hal Turner, is in the news again. Apparently, the French are angry with Hal for posting a picture of Judge Lefkow on his website and captioning it with a "gotcha" after her husband and mother were brutally murdered in their home. He says it was just some good natured "ribbing."

That's the thing about Hal: he loves a good joke and there's nothing funnier than the knowledge that right-wing death squads are now operating here in America. I'm sure John Negroponte is peeing his pants in laughter even as I write this.

Of course, the real reason the French are attacking Turner is because of all the good work he's done for the Republican Party. Hal is a tempting target. He's served our nation as a Republican candidate for Congress, an organizer for Pat Buchanan, a chair of the Republican Party of Hudson County (NJ), and a Republican Committeeman.

Yes, It's just another example of liberals trying to drag one of Our Leader's finest sturmtruppen down. Isn't it time we put an end to their politics of personal destruction? Will no one rid us of the meddlesome left?

The General ♥ John from Albany (in a manly, purely heterosexual kind of way, mind you)

Thanks, John, for the Fresh Air CD. I'm always amazed and humbled when people send me this stuff. Thanks.

Antichrist Revealed!

It looks like I now have an ad for a book that names the Antichrist. Congratulations commenter Anni. You're famous.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Purging Justice

We eat freedom fries at every meal. It's our way of contributing to the war effort. We see it as a symbolic, sacrificial gesture that'll help us defeat the Godless Muslims and their European handmaids. Occasionally, a dinner guest will spoil our little celebration of American supremacy by calling our sacramental potatoes, "french fries." When that happens, I pass out the ipecac and the purging begins. Our bodies are temples to God. We must not pollute them with french foods no matter how tasty they might be.

One of Our Leader's most faithful servants, Scott Bloch, is conducting a similar kind of purge at the Department of Justice's Office of Special Counsel. His office is tasked with investigating discrimination complaints made by federal employees. He's done a great job. Last year, he prevented many new cases from being filed by unilaterally deciding that persecuting homosexuals in federal workplaces would no longer violate federal law. Recently, he cleared more than 600 cases by simply moving files from the filing cabinet to the recycle bin It's that kind of innovative thinking we've been demanding of our leaders in Washington.

Some of the OSC staff were resistant to Mr. Bloch's bold new strategies and they voiced concerns about them. They seemed to lack faith in the rightness of Bloch's actions. Fortunately, Bloch understands the danger posed by internal policy discussions and has purged these apostates. For that, the General salutes him.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

White supremacists don't commit acts of terror; foreigners do.

Earlier this week, U.S. Judge Joan H. Lefkow's mother and husband were murdered in their Chicago home. A white supremacist leader, Matthew Hale, is currently serving time in prison for conspiring to assassinate Judge Lefkow. This has led many to speculate that the murderers may have been white supremacists. Indeed, franco-bloggers have identified a couple of Hale's followers as possible culprits.

The patriots at the Free Republic understand that such acts of terrorism cannot be carried out by white, Christian Americans. It's an impossibility. It must have been foreign brown people:

Consider also that Al Qaeda and other Islamofascists have been infiltrating White Supremist and Michigan Militia-type groups for years.
16 posted on 03/05/2005 4:51:44 PM PST by attiladhun2

The gov't and WE should concentrate on the muzlims in America...They are a far larger threat than any white only, or black only group...
21 posted on 03/05/2005 5:07:10 PM PST by Iscool

Other Freeper-Americans suggest that perhaps the murders served a noble purpose and seem to be eager to see more:

This may be a blessing in disguise. Our country is grappling with judges who do not understand that there is a war, and issues about "torture", rights for enemy combatants and etc, these new threats may wake them up because for the first time in these judges lives, they are vulnerable and threaten. Survival is no longer an academic thing. Make a dumb ruling that undermines the police and military ability to fight criminals and terrorists have personal consequences.
17 posted on 03/05/2005 4:53:40 PM PST by Fee

They know who the left wing judges, reporters and university professors are.

It is simply a matter of each individuals 'activist' choosing a suitable target and then taking action.
5 posted on 03/05/2005 4:42:23 PM PST by BenLurkin

Still others seem to believe that the media is using the story as an excuse to attack decent, God-fearing Americans like themselves:
The msm is desperate to get back to attacking Americans.
46 posted on 03/05/2005 8:34:17 PM PST by marty60

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Coup d'yoshida

Adam Yoshida, a patriot who single-handedly conquered his mother's basement in British Columbia and is now attempting to have it annexed by the State of Alabama, tells us why our coup in Venezuela failed:

There were three major reasons for the failure of the coup, in my view;

First: though the plotters successfully captured Chavez they, for some insane reason, failed to immediately execute him. This, of course, allowed him to resume power once the plot had collapsed.

Second, the plotters failed to dispose of other major regime figures, most notably the Vice President.

Finally, action taken to suppress protests after the coup were weak and half-hearted. It may be politically incorrect to say so, but a coup isn’t a tea party: people have to die.

Blessed are the credit card companies



Elsewhere: Brother Grassley sets the heretics straight in regard the Bankruptcy Bill. (A tip of the helmet to reader Jay.)

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Love, Republican Style

What a man does with his Cyborgasmatrix Heat Melt Elastomer Gel Evaluation Torso in the privacy of his home is not specifically banned in Leviticus and is, therefore, his own business.

Another helmet tip (I think) to Roland for alerting me to this.

An Easter Egg Hunt they'll never forget

Don't pollute your children's minds this Easter with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps. Celebrate the holiday in true Christian fashion with Resurrection Eggs.

Unlike their secular cousins, these eggs are little plastic shrines to Our Savior's suffering. Imagine your child's delight when he opens his egg to find a cross made of nails just like the ones the Romans drove through the wrists and feet of Our Lord. Other eggs hold treasures like miniature versions of the crown of thorns used to tear His scalp and the spear with which the Romans brutally stabbed Him.

Get your kids Resurrection Eggs this Easter and celebrate the holiday in true conservative Christian way.

The General tips his helmet to reader Roland for the tip.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

A studded codpiece can make all the difference

Ronny Brown
Principal, Searcy High School

Dear Principal Brown,

Drunk on the liquor of secular humanism, the once great people of our nation have rejected God's word and traded in their rods of correction for psychology books. The use of biblically-based disciplinary techniques in our schools is becoming rarer every day. Those who still employ it are increasingly coming under fire by libertines from the left who prefer Godless reason to the righteous violence of the paddle.

So far, Arkansas has resisted efforts to end corporal punishment. Indeed, Arkansas is second only to Mississippi in the number of beatings teachers give children each year. You deserve a lot of the credit for that. Your school district beats one out of every two children and most of those beatings occur at your school. I salute you for your enthusiasm, but you could also do so much more.

Right now, schools like yours are in a holding action against the child huggers. We need to do more than just hold on. Bold, innovative ideas are required if we are going to breath life back into the Christian discipline movement. Dr. Dobson's book was a good start, but it's now time to take it to another level.

A teacher at Rochester Hills Christian Academy in Michigan has the right idea. He traded his paddle in for a pellet gun. When his class becomes unruly, he pulls his piece and fires away. The kids learn quickly that they have a simple choice. They can either choose silence or an opportunity to buy themselves glass eyes. You should consider doing something similar.

You might also find inspiration in my own experience. I'm a firm believer in old fashioned discipline. I don't care how old you may be; a spanking is always the best way to get right with the Lord. That's why whenever I find myself unconsciously touching myself inappropriately (strangely enough, this usually occurs while I'm watching wrestling on TV--I don't know why that is), I drive up to Seattle to see a guy I know who spanks men for money.

His garb is what I think you might find useful. He wears nothing but big leather boots, a studded black leather codpiece, and a hood. Just looking at him puts the fear of God into you. Imagine how your own students would react if they saw you dressed in a similar fashion. You'd never hear any backtalk again.

Well, keep up the good work, and please consider my suggestions.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Who would Jesus nuke?

Syria of course--there are a lot of brown people there.

From Roll Call:

Now we know where Rep. Sam Johnson (R-Texas) thinks the weapons of mass destruction are buried: in Syria, which he said he'd like to nuke to smithereens.

Speaking at a veterans' celebration at Suncreek United Methodist Church in Allen, Texas, on Feb. 19, Johnson told the crowd that he explained his theory to President Bush and Rep. Kay Granger (R-Texas) on the porch of the White House one night.

Johnson said he told the president that night, "Syria is the problem. Syria is where those weapons of mass destruction are, in my view. You know, I can fly an F-15, put two nukes on 'em and I'll make one pass. We won't have to worry about Syria anymore."

The General ♥ Christina in Kentucky

Thanks for the Green Day CD, Christina. You made my day.

Is that the Holy Mother in your mirror

A Medina Ohio woman was surprised when she looked up from her bathtub and saw Mary, Mother of God, looking back at her from her bathroom mirror. According to a report from WKYC television in Cleveland, Mary's been back fifteen times since then.

Although Terra--she asked that her last name not be used--calls it a miracle, the General thinks it might be something more sinister. Why is Mary hanging out in this woman's bathroom and spying on people as they bath and use the facilities? Will she be the next perp to be caught in the ever widening Catholic sex scandal?

Worse yet, Terra reports that the Holy Mother brings her son along on some of her voyeuristic adventures. The very thought of that chills me to the bone. Certainly, it signals that something terrible is happening. Could it be that the Kingdom of Heaven now has HBO?

Support your local large sea mammal

That Orcinus guy is having a pledge drive and offering his "Rise of Pseudo Fascism" essay as a premium. I say we buy up every copy and keep it out of the hands of those who would reject the ideals of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution.

Great minds...

This guy must read The General.

From the Times Herald-Record (Middletown, NY):

Justice miscarried

I'm as pro-life as the next fellow, but I just don't think the proposed Human Life Amendment to the constitution goes far enough to protect us all against the "evil" of abortion declaring the unborn fetus to be a full person from the moment of conception.

As long as any woman's body has the ability to abort naturally by way of miscarriage, natural abortions will continue to happen every day. The proposed amendment should require every woman who had a miscarriage to answer for the loss of that life in an investigation, be questioned and, if necessary, held liable for the death of that fetus. Perhaps even prosecuted if it can be proven she endangered that cute little baby-to-be by, for example, taking a drink at a party the evening before.

In drafting this proposed legislation, Congress must be aware that any mother-to-be must now have the obligation to produce a live, healthy infant or be legally answerable to a court of inquisitors.

Abortions, voluntary or involuntary, should no longer be an indiscriminate right. And some thought should be given to unnecessary daily and nightly waste of untold numbers of sperm and eggs, each one of which is a potential half-baby. Our research scientists, given enough funding, may be able to find a way to preserve these and combine them as heaven intended.

S. Kershaw
Rosendale


Helmit tip to reader Roland.

Essentially Ann

The General's hero, Ann Coulter, who is at least a 9 on the manly scale of absolute gender, shows us why she's the Prince Charles of the airwaves.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Powell's last act of disloyalty

Although some patriots point to Colin Powell's UN presentation as evidence of his fealty to Our Leader, I think most would agree that his support was weakhearted at best. It was obvious that deep down he lacked faith in the rightness of our holy crusade. He took advantage of nearly every opportunity to weaken our national resolve to bring God's wrath down upon the brown people.

Our Leader wisely removed Powell from his position of power, but his legacy lives on. Yesterday, we saw an example of this when the State Department released its so-called Human Rights Report for 2004. Put together by Powell's staff, this document condemns the use of what it calls "torture" by other nations. Powell's old friends at State certainly knew that by condemning such acts by other countries, they were indicting us all as well--the report cites some of our most cherished interrogation methods like sleep and food deprivation, beatings, growling dogs, burning, electrical shock, and suffocation as being examples of torture.

If that wasn't enough, they also slandered the nations who've helped us conduct the interrogations. Just take a look at what the report says about Egypt and Syria, two of the states where we sent prisoners to be interrogated.

[Egypt]

Principal methods of torture reportedly employed by the police and the SSIS included stripping and blindfolding victims; suspending victims from a ceiling or doorframe with feet just touching the floor; beating victims with fists, whips, metal rods, or other objects; using electrical shocks; and dousing victims with cold water. Victims frequently reported being subjected to threats and forced to sign blank papers for use against themselves or their families should they in the future complain about the torture. Some victims, including male and female detainees and children, reported sexual assaults or threats of rape against themselves or family members.

[Syria]

Former prisoners and detainees, as well as the HRAS, reported that torture methods included administering electrical shocks; pulling out fingernails; forcing objects into the rectum; beating, sometimes while the victim was suspended from the ceiling; hyperextending the spine; bending the detainees into the frame of a wheel and whipping exposed body parts; and using a backward-bending chair to asphyxiate the victim or fracture the victim's spine. Torture was most likely to occur while detainees were being held at one of the many detention centers run by the various security services throughout the country, particularly while the authorities were attempting to extract a confession or information. For example, in July, a Syrian-Canadian citizen reportedly was tortured while being questioned by security services (see Section 1.e).