Keep me cockatoo cool

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA (American Family Association) Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

Thanks for replying to my letter, but I'm afraid that you've misjudged me.

You wrote:

How can someone who is so witty (I probably shouldn't contribute to your obviously narcissistic personality, but, then, who am I to judge?) not understand perfectly good English?

It's true. I've always wanted to work as an undercover narcotics officer in the music industry, but the DEA refuses to process my application despite the solid evidence I've given them that John Tesch is the Cali Cartel's top dope mule. I'm not at liberty to tell you how he does it, but I risked my life getting that information--Tesch is a stone cold killer--and all I got in return was a crab lice infestation.

I also plead guilty to a shaky understanding of English--until recently, I thought "spotted dick" was something you'd only find at Neverland Ranch--but I really don't care. I'm an American, dammit, and I'm proud to speak American. It's the language of real men. Why would I want to speak a language spoken by people who are ruled by a Queen?

You failed to answer my last challenge about your misrepresentation of my "Shark Tales" article

As I recall, you challenged me to prove you wrong. Why would I do that? I agree that Lenny the Shark is a homosexual. Like I said in my first letter, he's effeminate, alienated, and a vegetarian--all of the evidence is there.

(preferring, instead, to discuss your sad vinyl fetish),

I was merely relating my own reaction to A Shark's Tale. If anything, it proved your point. The film recruited me into a vinylsexual lifestyle.

and now you just can¹t seem to wrap your mind around the point I made in the article about "We Are Family."

I think your darkened mind is also failing your critical powers.

But again, I agreed with you. I, too, believe that the characters are being used to recruit our children into a life of depravity. Heck, I even strengthened your case by pointing out Dora the Explorer's shameful bilingual lifestyle.

My only problem with your thesis was your claim that Bob the Builder was involved. I just can't buy that. It doesn't make sense. How would his friends at the construction site treat him if they thought he was pro-homo? Scoop the Digger and Muck the Bulldozer would kick his ass.

Btw, have you ever heard of The Wiggles. My friend, DJ Col Harry S. Wolfenstein, tells me they're as homosexual as an IKEA throw pillow. From what I gather, they include two guys in flamboyantly colored clothes, a "ferocious but transsexual T Rex," "a lesbian cop with a mustache", and a tights wearing pirate who likes to touch people with his "feather sword."

If that's not enough, they sing songs containing lines like these:

Tie me kangaroo down sport,
[...]
Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl,
[...]
Let me Abos go loose, Lou,
[...]
Mind me platypus duck, Bill,
[...]
Play your digeridoo, Blue,

Just reading these lyrics fills my head with all manner of vile images of utter depravity. Obviously, it's some kind of homosexual code. It sickens me to think that our children are being exposed to it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Past Correspondence with Mr. Vitagliano

First letter

Ed's response and my second letter

Third letter

Note: I can't remember who directed me to the Wiggles' song, but thanks, whoever you are.

Miscarriage justice

Del. John Cosgrove
Virginia House of Delegates

Dear Del. Cosgrove,

I'm writing you to wish you luck on your bill requiring women to report miscarriages to the police within 12 hours. It's a good bill. It will provide law enforcement officers with the ability to interrogate women immediately after they miscarry, a time when they're the most emotionally vulnerable. It should result in many more feticide convictions.

We can do even more to protect the lives of Fetus-Americans. I've developed a small handgun that they can use to defend themselves. It's a fine weapon, but I've run into problems when I've given it to them. Fetus-Americans have lousy eyesight, hand-eye coordination, and judgment. They need extensive firearms training.

That's where you come in. I'd like you to propose that the Commonwealth of Virginia institute a firearms instruction program for Fetus-Americans, something like the NRA's Eddy the Eagle Program--let's call it Ziggy the Zygote Training.

I'd also like you to be personally involved in the project. I'm a big fan of your Have a Cosgrove Christmas CD. Perhaps you could write songs to help the little Ziggy the Zygoters learn to use firearms responsively. I'm thinking of catchy little tunes with titles like Don't Shoot Mommy in the Uterus and I'm a Responsible Gun-Owning Blastocyst Defending Myself from the Abortionist.

I hope to hear back from you soon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I have a disciple

I can't express the joy I felt when I learned that all of my witnessing has not been in vain.

Mrs. Maglalang writes dirty words

Her comments are open, so you can tell her what you think. I have.

Whoops: I forgot to thank Mr. Murder and Central Scrutinizer for the heads up.

Update: Mrs. Maglalang shut down her comments because the French were participating.

Koufax

It looks like the Koufax voting is underway, and those damned Frenchman are trying to marginalize my message by putting me in the humor category again.

By their works ye shall know them

The Inquisitor General nominee finds a home

The people at the Department of Justice did everything they could to make Alberto Gonzales feel welcome. They knew they had accomplished their goal when they saw the look on his face after the curtain which hid the Spirit of Justice statue was removed. Their last minute addition had made all the difference.

Darwin's slutty primates

Amazon finally published my review of Of Pandas and People. As regular readers may recall, it's the textbook Dover School District chose to use in its Intelligent Design oriented biology curriculum.

I'll post it here, but if you get a chance, go to Amazon and let them know how useful you think the review is.

The authors didn't address the bonobos' immorality, December 28, 2004
Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States)

I'm a believer in intelligent design because it's God's law and not a theory like Darwinism. Unfortunately, I can't give this book 5 stars because the authors ignored the most important issue in biology today, the bonobos' immorality.

Darwinists think that these slutty primates are our nearest relatives. The very thought disgusts me. Bonobos use heterosexual and homosexual sex to settle disagreements, engaging in such depraved acts as oral sex and "penis fencing." Humans don't settle arguments in this manner. We smite our enemies in acts of righteous vengeance just like in the Bible.

A chapter outlining these differences and condemning the bonobos' immorality is desperately needed in this book. Without such a chapter, it's worthless as a teaching tool. I certainly won't recommend it to the curriculum committee I chair.

Offended Ed

The American Family Association's Ed Vitagliano wrote me back, and, boy, is he angry. I can't figure out why that is, because I thought my email was very complimentary.

I'll post his reply this weekend. I want to think about my response for a few days.

In honor of our Inquisitor General Nominee

When I first published this back in June, I didn't think I'd find a reason to republish it so soon.

The Beatitudes, revisited (part 2)



Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here.

Republican Jesus Archive.

Lenny the Shark has many, many friends

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

It was almost a month ago when I first sent you an email lauding your ability to determine the sexuality of cartoon characters. As you may recall, I was very impressed by your outing of Lenny, the effeminate, alienated, vegetarian shark from the movie, A Shark's Tale. It was an amazing feat, but somehow, you've managed to top it.

I'm talking about your recent claim that eight of children's television's greatest stars are recruiting our little ones into the homosexual lifestyle. I guess it doesn't surprise me. We've all heard the rumors about Spongebob Squarepants, and I'm told that Dora the Explorer is bilingual. Of course Arthur likes to read, Barney would rather hug a Muslim than kill him, and Clifford the Big Red Dog prances around his neighborhood naked. They're all obviously friends of Dorothy.

Big Bird has always been my own personal morality nemesis. I try to resist his charms, but there's something about his long thin neck, big round breast, and powerful feet that compels me to tuck my little soldier up behind my grenades and do a little hokey-pokey dance. I know it's wrong, but Big Bird's mojo is just too strong. You are certainly correct in putting him on your list.

The one I don't understand is Bob the Builder. How did he make the list? For heaven's sake, the man operates heavy equipment. He's the very definition of heterosexual masculinity. Heck, he's so manly, he could be one of the Village People.

In any event, I fully support your efforts to stop the forces of homosexuality from distributing the "pro-tolerance" video featuring these characters. The last thing our children need to learn is tolerance. It hasn't prevented a single child from becoming a homosexual. That's a job for the steel toed boots of peer pressure. Sometimes, you have to severely beat a kid to save him. I know we're not supposed to say it out loud like that, but I heard your interview with Sam Seder on The Majority Report a few weeks back, and I know you agree with me.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Note: This is my third letter to Ed. My first one is here and his reply and my second email are here.

Update: Ed responds, again.

A freeping update

It looks like my freeping penpal, Frank Butash, might be evicted (bugmenot). They say it's the rent, but I bet it was the loud, late-night goosestepping. I warned him to take off his boots when he did it, but he wouldn't listen.

Thanks to commenter maurinsky for the tip.

And they dare call themselves servants of God

I see that Chuck Currie and over 250 other "religious leaders" are expressing concerns about Our Leader's choice for Inquisitor General. It's like they think torture is a bad thing. Thank the Lord that they are outnumbered by Godly men like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell who devote all of their efforts to fighting the twin scourges of homosexuality and Darwinism.

I ain't no homophobe

I'm sick and tired of being called a homophobe simply because I believe that homosexuals are horny, Godless, sinners who deserve to burn in Hell for all eternity. It's my right to believe that. It's also your right to believe the same. That's what freedom of religion is all about. The only time we have a problem is when others refuse to believe it. Then, we have to step up and protect our community.

That's all Susan Knight was doing when she wrote the following letter to the editor:

Dear Editor,

On Nov. 5, the Telluride Daily Planet announced the Town of Mountain Village would be hosting a gay and lesbian ski week this winter in the Telluride area. The article stated, "Mountain Village Metro Services is really putting a lot of money into marketing the event." I think I speak for many homeowners in our community when I tell you how unspeakably offensive this decision is.

I don't understand why a resort community like Telluride would choose to encourage this type of behavior here in our town. The 2004 polls revealed that more then 70 percent of the American population voted based on the need to return to traditional family values. According to the U.S. health authorities the U.S. saw an alarming jump in the number of new HIV/AIDS cases among homosexual men. The Center For Disease Control reported that the number for new infections rose 17 percent for gays in 29 states and reported this figure did not include the most severely hit states such as California, New York, Washington and Illinois.

Why would a resort community choose to spend their valuable advertising dollars on this type of event? Telluride's reputation as a prominent gay and lesbian resort destination is not an option. With the moral crisis in our country, I believe this is an opportunity to stand up and let your voice be heard. I challenge you to identify your own position on this issue. There is a difference between tolerance and promotion. If you do not want this behavior encouraged in our town, contact us at

telluridespeaks@aol.com.

Let it start here, and let it start with me.

Susan Knight

Now, people are calling her a homophobe simply because she doesn't want homosexuals in her town. Thank God, she's not alone. Conservative talk show host Al Heirich has come to her rescue by publishing the following message in his Cyber Guide to Telluride:

As many of you know from the contentious letters published in the local newspapers responding to and attacking Susan Knight's concerns over the promotion of homosexuality ,

during the Mountain Village's Gay Ski Week - February 26, 2005 - March 6, 2005, this has become a controversial issue in Telluride.

In response to the e-mails and telephone calls we have received from concerned parents regarding the appropriateness of bringing families to Telluride during this week, we are posting our suggestion on this matter.

Although this week should be fun for those not offended by alternative lifestyles; with scheduled events including: The Pleasure Hunt, The Blue Ball Dance, Drag Races and more,

we are strongly suggesting that families concerned with exposing their children to the homosexual lifestyle and homosexual behavior schedule their vacations another time.

Events are planned throughout the week in both towns celebrating and promoting the homosexual lifestyle.

Due to the intense controversy this year in regards to this week, the public display of homosexual pride and behavior will most likely be greater than last year. If this offends you, this is not the time to visit Telluride.

The combining of Gay Ski Week with the sexually oriented Aids Benefit Fashion Show (although very entertaining for adults) is not generally an event for the family. To determine if this event coincides with your own family's standards (click here for photos of past years event).

I did as Al requested and clicked on the link and was shocked when I saw pictures like this:



Am I a homophobe simply because I'm disgusted and outraged by this picture? I think not and neither is Al.

Update: My buddy Al says I should link to his explanation.

Congratulations to our own MJS

I'm sure there are a dozen blogs who claim MJS as their own commenter, but dammit, none are as God-fearing or as manly as Jesus' General. I'll wrestle them all for the right to claim him.

Why are we congratulating the Jivester? Well, he was one of the winners in TAS' poetry contest. Of course, we already knew that he's a master of verse. Now, the rest of the world knows as well.

Congratulations MJS. Great stuff.

Konservative Khristian Keepsakes

Christian Books and Things
Harrison, Arkansas

Dear Brothers in Jesus,

I recently discovered your wonderful Christian site. I'm glad to see that someone is selling merchandise celebrating the Glorious Christian Cultural Revolution, but I sense a reluctance on your part to fully embrace the ideas you market.

I'm very proud of my Christian and Southern (adopted) heritage. You claim that you share this pride, writing:

Christian Books and Things offers a wide variety of Christian oriented t-shirts and sweatshirts. We are also proud to be the exclusive distributor of The Knights [of the Ku Klux Klan] Party designs.

If you are so proud to offer Klan gear, why do you hide it? The Klan t-shirts, caps, and flags are inaccessible from your default home page. Visitors to your site can't find this merchandise unless they know that you have a second home page called index1.htm, but then I guess they're directed to the right place when they click the link on the Klan's site.

You also write:

The Knights Party designs are very large logo designs located over the left side of the shirt (over the heart). The large logo design is by popular demand and can be worn discreetly if desired. Knights Party designs are also available in children's sizes - designs on children's shirts cover front of shirt

I don't think that wearing the logo discreetly is a demonstration of pride. Indeed, it seems as if you are too ashamed of your views to state them in public. But then, I suppose that's why you also wear hoods.

Isn't it time that Southern, Christian patriots like ourselves stopped hiding behind sheets and boldly proclaimed our racist philosophy to the people. Our Republican Party and conservative Christian churches are doing it. Why must the Klan be so meek?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen, JC Christian, patriot

P.S. Putting the 'Heritage not Hate' Confederate Battle Flag on the same page as the 'Ku Klux Klan' Confederate Battle Flag was an act of pure brilliance. I don't think it undermines the former flag's message in the least.

Note: Thanks to reader Mike for the tip.

Update: The Frenchman, blowback, created this offensive design to add to the Christian Books and Things collections.

My freeping penpal

Frank Butash
Free Republic, Connecticut Chapter

Dear Mr. Butash,

Thank you for responding to my email. It's an honor to correspond with a true freeping patriot like yourself.

You touched on a number of subjects in your letter. I'll try to address each one separately. Your note begins:

Hey General,

Happy to see you had the intelligence to quote me.

It wasn't too difficult, intelligence-wise. All I did was follow Lafayette's link. Of course, I also followed the basic rules of spy-craft and disguised myself by dressing up like Carmen Miranda. I removed the bananas from the hat, first. It's an evil fruit, a long, yellow, slightly-curved seducer of good men. I've found that it's best to not have them around.

But, what the hell is(are) your point(s)?

I thought my points were obvious. I enjoyed your email to Neuharth and I agree that it is better to sacrifice our children to Our Leader's Iraqi dream than to cut our losses and leave--that is as long as we are not called upon to make our own sacrifices. It is better that we stay home and build an official ideological orthodoxy for the Glorious Christian Cultural Revolution.

And what's this "heterosexually yours"? Could it be ... ? Nahhhh.

Yes, it could be. I'm a heterosexual. I close all my letters that way so that there is no confusion about that. It's very important to me that people know that I'm straight. Really, I am, so if you are trying to imply something else. You can go straight to Hell.

Oh, and don't believe a thing Cletus says. He's a damned liar.

Your comment "I'm in complete agreement with your point that the only way to support our country is to sacrifice our sons and daughters for the greater glory of Our Leader. Those who would suggest otherwise are guilty of the worst kind of crime, a lack of faith in the Administration's ability to eventually do something right ..."

Nahh, THEY are guilty of garden variety ignorance. There is no "only way" to support our country.

You're right. We can also support our country by crushing dissent wherever we find it. As a member of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders and admirer of the work of the Free Republic chapters, I'm embarrassed that I did not mention it.

But there are people who contribute to a solution and those, mostly Liberals, Democrats and other anti-American fungi, who contribute to the problem. In the case of our War in Iraq, they can't wait to display their beet-red, baboon ass, and submit at any cost to any threat.

They're always displaying their beet-red, baboon asses to me. Sure, they cover them with tight jeans, but I know they're there, tempting me beyond my will to resist their siren song. "General," they each sing, "I've become swollen and scarlet for you. Please plow my garden of glory." Being mortal, I am weak and I succumb to their unnatural enticements. Once spent, I repent and accept the Lord's punishment from a man who spanks me for a fee. That's why I hate the French. That's why we must destroy them.

What I wrote to Mr. Neuharth was "what are you going to do if the Iraqi's [sic] follow you home?".

They're always following me home. They want my trailer. They hate us because our homes are mobile. They're very tricky. They come to my door asking me if I've ever heard the story of Joseph Smith or how Our Lord, Jesus, once visited America. I respond by exercising my Second Amendment right to shoot people who frighten me. I bet that girly-man, Neuharth, just kicks their butts off his property. What a wimp.

You all are entitled to your fantasies as long as they don't threaten my life or well being. In my opinion, we are not killing the "Muslim (Allah be praised, etc.)" "Terrorists" (cowards, thugs, murderers ashamed to show their faces ...) fast enough.

You're absolutely right. There are a billion Muslims in this world. We're killing them at a rate that falls far below their replacement capacity. Our pilots cannot drop enough bombs from their anonymous perches. We should use our Christian (washed in the blood of Jesus, etc.) ingenuity to industrialize the process by employing high capacity gas chambers and crematoria.

Like with cockroaches, you don't wait for them to show up at your feet to spray them to their 72 heavenly virgins. You find out where they sleep and kill them in their huddle.

Yes, "nits make lice." It is time for a final solution to the Muslim problem. Then they will no longer be around to hate our freedom.

Chaque a son gout.

French! How dare you soil my comments with that treacherous tounge? I suppose you also eat their toast and fried potatoes. I've lost a lot of respect for you.

Methinks you are chagrined that Bush has turned out to be a genuine American Hero and Patriot worthy of a 300 pidgeon [sic] statue in any park any time.

Yes, Our Leader is indeed worthy of at least a 300 pigeon statue in the park. It would become the perfect monument to Him as each day the pigeons would add a little more of His essence to His visage.

How much do I owe you for the visit, Doc?

Buy the whole line of my 1984/2004 tees.

Thanks,

Frank Butash
West Hartford, CT, 06119
860-232-7173

This can mean only one thing. You are giving me the highest honor a warrior can give to another, an invitation to engage me in Spartan-style wrestling. I am honored to accept. There is noting I'd like more that to press my naked flesh against yours in the tradition of our Greek forbearers. I'll bring my new widescreen version of Spartacus, a gallon of cooking oil, and a bunch of bananas.

(Your, I mean, you're not REALLY a General, are you?)

Yes, I'm a general in the Red Guard of the Glorious Christian Cultural Revolution. As Our Leader commands, we will rid America of the "Four Olds," tolerance, compassion, liberty, and reason.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Almost a day off.

I'm having a hard time concentrating. My whole family has caught some kind of bug.

Think of this as an open thread. That said, I think these comments by an "ex-gay" are hilarious.

From a Christian Broadcasting Network interview:

JULIE BLIM (reporting): Phillip Tucker’s sexual confusion began at a young age. His parents divorced when he was 5. An absent father and busy single mother left him feeling lonely and confused.

What was it like growing up without your dad around?

PHILLIP TUCKER: Being raised in a home with my mom and my sister, I wasn’t taught man things, I wasn’t taught sports.

[...]

JULIE BLIM (reporting): Phillip finally had had enough.

PHILLIP TUCKER: Toward the late high school years, that’s when the leaks came out, so to speak. Scientists were working on this gay gene. [Oh my God, I hope they didn't slip one to me. Is that why I'm unwell today?] They thought it might be linked to hereditary, and that gave me a way out. It was a lot easier to swallow.