Republican Jesus packs a rod

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives

Satan's minions rip at my flesh

Dear Mr. RazorsKiss,

I can't tell you how angry I felt when I read the following comment at Evangelical Underground:

"Jesus' General" is a satire of Christianity, and Christians in Politics.

That is one of the only blogs I've ever read that made me actually walk away from my computer in disgust, to cool off. Because it made me that angry.

Comment by: RazorsKiss -- January 29th, 2005 -- 12:29 am

These are not the words of a true Christian. No one who has been washed in the blood of the Lamb would ever call His Word, "satire." Obviously, you are only masquerading as a Christian.

I rebuke you, Frenchman. I rebuke you in the name of Jesus and condemn you to the fiery pits of Hell.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thanks everyone

...for your computer suggestions. One of you--a person who is now like unto a God to my inner Frenchman--gave me tips on how to cleanout my startup and the old Pavillion seems to be running a lot better now. I may just get a little more life out of her.

GOTV

J. Kenneth Blackwell
Ohio Secretary of State

Dear Sec. Blackwell,

What in the name of all that is holy are you still doing in Ohio? Don't you know we're holding an election in Iraq in two days? We need you on the ground over there, today.

If you haven't heard, the Sunnis are boycotting the election. Without their participation, the election will not be seen as legitimate. I know that doesn't sound all that bad to you, but it could mean increased fighting and an even steeper dive in Our Leader's approval ratings. You're the only guy who has the expertise to prevent that.

You're needed in Fallujah. Right now, we'll be lucky to see a 5% voter turnout there. I'm sure you can push that number up to 110%, easily. Heck, just think of it as Hamilton County without any Democrats looking over your shoulder.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Help! I need advice

This old HP computer has just about had it. I have to reboot half a dozen times before I can post.

I see a lot of cheap machines out there. Are they any good? Can I run Photoshop on them? Do you have any suggestions?

A breakfast burrito too far

Superintendent Rickey Hooker
School of Excellence in Education

Dear Superintendent Hooker,

Discipline! That's what this nation needs. Thank God there are men like you around to provide it. The work you're doing at your charter school is God's work. I pray that you'll continue to wield your terrible paddle of orderliness--"Ole Thunder" as you call it--for many years to come.

I've read about the lawsuit your school faces. I agree with your principal's decision to paddle an 18 year old female student for buying a breakfast burrito. It was the right thing to do. God knows what kind of chaos could have resulted had she actually consumed it.

I think your problem lies in the way the punishment was conducted. According to the Express-News, two school officials bent the young woman over while the principal beat her butt with Ole Thunder until it was raw and bloody. At one point the wicked little scofflaw took a blow to her hand when she tried to protect her backside. That's where the mistake was made. A professional would have handcuffed her hands to her ankles and avoided the tale-tale hand injury. You should think about hiring one. I'm sure that there are many former Abu Gharib and Guantanamo interrogators looking for that kind of work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

He's always with us

Reader Bill reminds us that the Lord is Our Shepard.

Niche marketing

Christopher Ruddy
CEO, NewsMax

Dear Mr. Ruddy,

After reading an article at NewsMax today, I decided to click on the advertisement links to see what wares you're offering to your readers. It was an interesting mix of products--one that I've seen nowhere else. Of the sixteen ads, five touted male enhancement products and seduction secrets, four promoted books and videotapes on street fighting, and five tempted readers with the secrets of instant wealth.

As I considered this rather unconventional mix, I suddenly realized that all of these ads are based on a central theme: impotence. "You're nothing, you little wimp," the ads seem to scream, "buy our product and you'll become a real man."

At that moment, I realized that I am not alone--there are others who lost their little soldiers in the Klinton Wars--so many others in fact, that a popular web-based news organization has become a marketing Mecca for angry, impotent, conservative men like myself. You've found your niche.

I found two of the fighting ads particularly appealing. The first, for something described as Politically Incorrect Fitness & Fighting Instruction, promises to teach you how to "Beat the Hell Out of People That Are Supposed to Be Too Big and Too Strong" and offers the secrets of "a classic hand-to-hand fighting technique that destroys a person's shoulder." How could anyone resist buying such a product?

The second ad touts a video series called Fight Fast. The pop-up window describes it thusly (Does that word sound kind of homosexual to you? I hope not):

"The Stunning Israeli Connection:
All-New Short-Cut Lethal Hand-To-Hand Fighting System (That FREAKS OUT Even Hardcore U.S. Soldiers) Finally Revealed By Top Israeli Combat Veteran!"

So harsh and effective, this never-before-revealed system has battle-hardened U.S. Spec Op soldiers shaking their heads in respect and awe... so new and exciting, this "first peek" at "hidden" Israeli combat secrets is sending shockwaves through the martial arts world!

(Dateline, Visalia, CA) -- You know what the difference is between a so-so fighting system (which can give you false confidence)... and one that guarantees you will have the skills to obliterate anyone who gets in your face?

The difference is...

Real, Blood-On-Your-Hands
Combat!

Man, I'm buying this video. I'd hate to be the next guy who complains that I didn't put enough fries in his super-sized extra-value meal.

Anyway, thanks for all you're doing to help those of us who were emasculated by Klinton's treachery. I hope other conservative sites follow suit. After all, you've proven that we're their natural demographic.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Whooping tolerance like a red-headed step child

Ed Vitagliano
Editor, AFA (American Family Association) Journal

Dear Mr. Vitagliano,

It occurred to me that we're not fighting the battle against Spongebob's Video Tolerancefest very well. We identified the problem just fine, but when it came to offering a solution, we fell a little short. Sure, we've asked that schools reject the material, but we haven't offered them anything to replace it with.

An advertisement I saw today at NewsMax gave me an idea. As you basically admitted a few weeks ago to Sam Sedar at Majority Report, the reason we oppose the teaching of tolerance is because we want kids to make the lives of their homosexual peers miserable. I think the product advertised at NewsMax will encourage this kind of Christian-based bullying. It's a two-volume set of "politically incorrect fighting" videos called Street Grappling. The producer, former Greco-Roman wrestling (Yes, a real Spartan-style warrior!) sensation Matt Furey, promises that it will teach viewers how "to annihilate anyone...and do so with lightning like precision."

The best part about it is that Mr Furey came to learn his bone crushing techniques after a bout of what sounds a lot like "homosexual panic":

One afternoon, after finishing lunch, I walked into the "john" to drain my bladder. Just so you know, at the high school I attended the stalls didn't have doors. Not only that, instead of being the cheap plastic doors we see today, they were literally made of brick.

Anyway, after draining the "main vein," I turned around and found a big, strong, powerful man standing in my way. His name was Bob and let me tell you, if there was ever a guy I didn't want to fight - he was the one. He was a stud football player and a star in track and baseball, too. And he was mean as hell.

[...]

Naturally I tried to talk my way out of the trouble standing before me. But it wasn't working. Bob wanted to kick my ass and there was no getting around him. I knew I needed a plan of attack if I was going to escape from the battle alive, not to mention free from injury.

When Bob started pushing me with his fingers - steam started to build inside.

In between his taunts, I recalled two of the techniques I had learned previously in old-time pre-World War II self-defense books. These were the books that showed how U.S. soldiers whooped their "enemies" in hand-to-hand combat with brutal wrestling, judo and jiu-jitsu - as well as some wicked kicks, elbows and punches that are the secret weapons of champion street fighters.

And so, the next time Bob moved his hand to push me - I timed his arm movement and launched into him. I used two simple moves that I had studied from the books and once we hit the floor the fight was over. He was like a "fish out of water" and believe me, he went home a bloody mess.

Prior to this altercation, Bob was considered the toughest S.O.B. in my entire high school. No one dared mess with him. Even I didn't want to fight him - but because I knew what to do, I was able to whoop him like a red-headed step child.

I'm sure that with the AFA's buying power, you could convince Mr. Furey to throw in extra materials telling this story for free. That would be a great bonus. Kids could see exactly how the American Family Association wants them to handle themselves around suspected homosexuals.

But that's not all the story has to offer. Furey's use of phrases like "draining the main vein," "kick my ass," and " whoop him like a red-headed step child" model good, old-fashioned, red-state, masculine heterosexuality for the children.

Please pass these ideas on to Pastor Wildmon and Dr. Dobson. I think it's the only way we can defeat tolerance once and for all.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

GOA upset with Inquisitor General nominee Gonzales

I received an alert today from the Gun Owners of America. They're asking us to contact Our Leader and express dissappointment about his choice of Alberto Gonzales to serve as our new Inquisitor General. According to GOA, Gonzales supports a prohibition on semi-automatic rifles.

Unfortunately, contacting Our Leader is not enough. We need to contact our Senators and ask them to vote against Gonzales. That's especially true for those of you who have Republican Senators. If enough people call them, they will ask the President to look a little deeper into Gonzales' past to see if he has a nanny problem.

It's also important that you take this message to conservative and pro-gun blogs, so that we can create a groundswell against this gun-grabber.

You can find your Senators' contact info here, and as long as you're contacting them anyway, let them know how you feel about Secretary of State nominee Ofgeorge.

GOA's email is too long to post here, but my inner Frenchman has posted the text on his site.

Koufax - Best Series

It looks like my letters have been nominated for a Koufax in the "Best Series" category (voting is now underway), and the good folks at Wampum have asked me to provide links. I've probably written hundreds of them, so I don't know where to start.

Below, you'll find some of my favorites. I've probably forgotten a few of the better ones. Please feel free to add them in my comments.

Preemption House

I pitch an idea to Fox New's Roger Ailes.

The problem with "widow marriage"

I write Dr. James Dobson about the problem of widow marriage and tell him about my collection of Mason jars.

Miscarriage justice

I ask Virgina Delegate John Cosgrove to help me arm Fetus-Americans.

Stewardship and the Ladies

I share my discovery that ladies have a "little sailor in a boat" with Senator Tom Coburn.

Excommunicating Coach Shanahan (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Nobody Expects the Conservative Inquisition--I congratulate the Catholic Bishop of Colorado Springs for reinstituting the inquisition for Democratic voters.
• Excommunicating Coach Shanahan--The Bishop's assistant, Fr. Howard, replies, noting that the Bishop read my letter and is grateful for my kind and supportive words. I send a second letter, asking the Bishop to excommunicate Denver Bronco's Coach Mike Shanahan and a couple of the other major donors to the Diocese for contributing money to candidates who support abortion rights and stem cell research.

I stand ready to serve the people of Illinois

(Two letters, one reply--I quoted the first letter and the reply in the third letter's post)

In the first letter, I ask Illinois State Senators Dave Syverson and Steve Rauschenberger to correct the huge mistake they made in recruiting Alan Keyes to run against Obama (I suggest that they create a scandal by engaging him in a three-way at a Cub's game).

Syverson replies and defends his choice, noting that I didn't come forward when they were looking for candidates.

I accept Syverson's challenge in the third letter and ask him to support my campaign.

Christian Wrestling (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Reserve May 2nd on your Calendars--I invite Christian wrestler Rob Adonis to bring his show to our annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo and ask him if we can wrestle naked with his wrestlers in the manner of the ancient Spartan warriors.
• Adonis replies--Adonis is willing to bring his show, but only his wrestlers will be allowed in the ring. I respond with suggestions about how to make the show more meaningful to the audience.

Letters to Ed (3 letters, 2 replies)

Ed Vitagliano is the editor of the AFA (American Family Association) Journal

• The great white shark of iniquity--I congratulate Ed for outing Lenny the Homosexual Shark and relate my story of how A Shark's Tale caused me to enter into a vinylsexual lifestyle.
• Ed stokes the fires of my lost love--Ed tempts me with visions of vinyl Santa sex and I tell him of the heartbreak he's rekindled.
• Lenny the Shark has many, many friends--I write Ed about Spongebob's video homofest. Surely, Bob the Builder isn't a homosexual.
• Keep me cockatoo cool--Ed disapproves of my vinysexual lifestyle. I alert him to Wiggles.
  

Followup Question to Sen. Santorum

I ask Sen. Santorum a question about my dog, Butch.

White and delightsome

As regular readers know, the General often listens to that French radio network, NPR, in order to see what the enemies of freedom are up to. Today, I was pleasantly surprised to hear a seventeen minute report on the Mormon's old "Indian Placement Program." I say "pleasantly surprised" because the report was rather positive in its description of the program. Indeed, much of it sounded as if it was written by the Church's first-rate public relations department. It's nice to see NPR doing the Lords work.

Before I go on, full disclosure requires me to note that the General is the son of a long line of Mormons. One of my great, great grandfathers was Wilford Woodruff, the Church's fourth prophet. Another was Daniel Burbank, the Prophet Joseph's bodyguard and one of Brigham's Destroying Angels.

I should also explain the basic beliefs Mormons have about Indians, or as they call them, Lamanites. According to Mormonism's most holy book, The Book of Mormon, Lamanites are actually Jews. They are the descendents of two brothers, Laman and Lemual, who, along with their family, came to America from Jerusalem many years ago. The brothers were rebellious boys who failed to follow the instructions of their younger brother Nephi, a prophet of the Lord. For this, their children were cursed:

1 Nephi 12:23 And it came to pass that I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations.

Today's Mormons love the Lamanites despite the curse. After all, they're not only Lamanites, they're also Jews, God's chosen people. Because of this, Mormons believe that it is their duty to bring the Lamanite's back into Jesus's arms. Once that happens, the Book of Mormon says--or at least it said until 1981--that they'll become a "white and delightsome" people, once again.

2 Nephi 30:6 And then shall they rejoice; for they shall know that it is a blessing unto them from the hand of God; and their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a white [changed to "pure" in 1981] and delightsome people.

Spencer W. Kimball, who served as the Church's prophet during much of my youth, said that he saw the change happening in the 1960's. He gave much of the credit for this to the Indian Placement Program:

I saw a striking contrast in the progress of the Indian people today.... The day of the Lamanites is nigh. For years they have been growing delightsome, and they are now becoming white and delightsome, as they were promised. In this picture of the twenty Lamanite missionaries, fifteen of the twenty were as light as Anglos, five were darker but equally delightsome The children in the home placement program in Utah are often lighter than their brothers and sisters in the hogans on the reservation.

At one meeting a father and mother and their sixteen-year-old daughter were present, the little member girl--sixteen--sitting between the dark father and mother, and it was evident she was several shades lighter than her parents--on the same reservation, in the same hogan, subject to the same sun and wind and weather....These young members of the Church are changing to whiteness and to delightsomeness. One white elder jokingly said that he and his companion were donating blood regularly to the hospital in the hope that the process might be accelerated.

Until the program ended in 1996, children chosen for placement program were taken off the reservation and put into Mormon homes many miles away so that they could attend white schools and learn the gospel of Jesus. A number of these "placement students" were sent to my home town, Tremonton, Utah, and I knew a couple of them quite well.

In the NPR report, a former placement foster mother, Sharon Mirbrook (phonetic spelling), told a story about her placement student that brought back memories of my old friend Clyde. Here's what she had to say:

To put it bluntly, Dory didn't even seem to like his culture...to be an Indian. When we'd have the Order of the Arrow boys come over and do the dances, the Indian dances, and stuff like that, he'd go into the other room.

Clyde didn't like the Order of the Arrow guys either. I thought it was because he didn't like scouting, but now I know that it was because he was ashamed to be a Lamanite. Who could blame him? After all, God cursed him for it by giving him dark skin and making him "loathsome," "filthy," and "full of idleness and all manner of abominations."

Mrs. Mirbrook also told a story that reminded me of another placement student I knew, Emerson. It had to do with the problem of placement kids dating the local white girls. Mrs. Mirbrook tried to prevent that from happening by discussing the issue with her placement student:

We so much wanted Dory to keep his culture strong. We did not want to take that away from him. In fact when he started dating we said, the Indian girls you need to start dating them. You need to keep your lines pure and clean. You know...uhh..the Navajo line pure, you know."

I guess Emerson didn't get that kind of guidance. He asked one of the local white girls out. That made all the white guys in school very angry. Bob decided he'd teach Emerson a lesson, so he hit him while he wasn't looking, knocking him to the floor. Emerson got back up and gave Bob a thorough beating.

That didn't go over well with Kurt, the biggest, meanest guy in the school. He challenged Emerson to meet him in the parking lot before school started the following day--that night was out because of football practice.

The next morning, Emerson and an audience of hundreds were waiting when Kurt got off the bus. Walking toward Emerson, Kurt pulled a chain out from under his jacket. One end of the chain was attached to a piece of wood that served as a handle, the other had a number of bent forks hooked to it. It was a weapon for murder.

Kurt started swing the chain, and Emerson reacted by pulling out a pocket knife. Teachers arrived before a blow was struck and ordered the pair to drop their weapons. Both complied and were taken to the principal's office. Emerson was put on the first bus back to Arizona and Kurt was back in school the next day. Placement kids stopped asking white girls out after that.

Too bad Emerson had to leave so quickly. He missed out on all of the good things the placement program had to offer.

Note: Sometime this week, I'll introduce you to Tom Trails, the greatest placement student of them all.

Chi-Coms tempt me with promises of potency

The Frenchie, S.Z., from World O'Crap recently sent me the following:

General,

I was at NewMax, reading their fair and balanced coverage of all the news that's fit and strong and masculine, when I saw this link:

She'll Never Leave You When You're Ready for Action

It turned out to be a new story about how the chi-coms are trying to kill our women using kung-gu sex on them (or something). Here's the first part of it:

Introducing the Life, Love and Relationship Enhancing ... "Chuang Shang de Gong Fu" - China's Secret Sexual Kung Fu Love Making System - It'll Make You the Master of Any and All Bedroom Suites

Wednesday, 6:57 a.m.
Beijing, China

Dear Friend,

If you've ever felt the humiliating sting of a lover saying that your "little soldier" ain't quite up to snuff...

Anyway, since I have never heard anyone else use the phrase "little soldier," I think they must be talking directly to you (but were too shy to use direct marketing). I thought I should pass this along to you.

Sincerely,

S.Z. from World O'Crap

Obviously, the Chi-Coms--I refuse to call them "Red" Chinese since red is now our color--are trying to tempt me into committing treason. They have my dossier. They know the emotional pain I've suffered since Klinton killed my little soldier. Now, they are using this information to subvert my love for my country.

I will resist them by waving my flaccid little soldier proudly in their socialist faces, and I pray that should it poke them in their eyes, God will give it enough rigidity to blind them. I'll also be writing NewsMax to request an accounting of their relationship with these Godless socialists.

Take Back the Rainbow!

I see that one of my advertisers, Miss Poppy Dixon, has solved the rainbow problem for the GOP Team Leaders by altering the rainbow's color palette. Here's how she describes it:

The Fundamentalist Rainbow [TM] comes in two colors ONLY: black and white! Just like the Word of God there is no grey area, no color, no shading - just black and white.

More deep thoughts from the GOP Team Leader Blog

From the same thread cited in my previous post:

deovolente 1-23-2005 9:58:39 AM
Say what you will Professor Dumas III about WMD in Iraq. For your information the search is still on. Unbeknownst to most. Persoanlly, I believe they are still there tucked away.

How can homosexuals claim the rainbow? It was taken as a symbol long before they started staking claims to it. I say leave them alone because the decisions they have made concerning their lives will be an "accounting for" they will regret. Leave them to their self-serving, reprobate, and degenerate behavior. Don't let the "feel goodism" of today steal away the natural sense that was given to us.

Progressive liberalism uses every tactic in the book to sway Americans to their way of thinking. Thank God for President Bush! He recognizes nonsense when he sees or hears it. And so do most of us!

NancyGWBgo 1-23-2005 7:31:17 AM
Its not fair the homosexuals have taken over the rainbow. I belive we should have it because we know what a rainbow really stands for, not fornication but God's love for us regardless of what colors we might be, white, red, tan whatever. I am mad as a hornet to that the gay indoctirnators also stole SpongeBob. My children just love him, but now I can't allow them to watch!
But we don't even need new colors for ourselves, because we already are the only true Red White and Blue! (-:

dupperbob 1-22-2005 11:11:11 PM
I like Spongebob Squarepants but I don't like this message he is giving to kids. I don't like it when minorities of people try to change a fundamental foundation of civilization to please their own petty needs. I don't like this Constance behavior to change the structure of relationships (between men and GOD) they will never be a part of by their own choice.
I don't have a problem with gays so long as they don't try to enlist me or to have them entice my children to play a part in their choices. They decided not to vote for GW Bush, they decided to seek marriage instead of civil unions. They decided and so have I.

suzybry 1-22-2005 3:49:45 PM
Think abc national news is bad?.... trying living in Los Angeles and enduring all the local liberal stuff! There is no intelligent life - just a lot of wife swapping and protesting. We're LA transplants to Houston. Oh... so much better here. In any event, does anyone no of any anti-Hillary campaigns going on? If so, would like to join up early and get a front row seat.

Deep thinking rainbow Republicans

After I read the following thread on the GOP Team Leader Blog, I went straight down to my local record store and bought one the rainbow stickers they sell there. As soon as the clerk saw what I was buying, he asked me if I was interested in the Judy Garland box set they had on sale. I thought that was a strange thing to ask and was going to say something about it until another clerk told me that a new shipment of wrestling posters had arrived. I bought seven.

From the GOP Team Leader Blog:

GOPinND 1-22-2005 2:01:26 PM
about the blue state - red state names, I don't like the fact that the Good states are called red. In my day, that meant commie. We can't switch colors, because I bet the Libs wouldn't want to. they just love sticking it to us. but we need a new color. or colors. The GOP has made such strides in bringing in so many different people, black, hispanic etc. How about using a rainbow, instead of red? that would show that all the peoples of the rainbow are coming over to the GOP, and the libs are dead!! how bout it rainbow states!!

Reverend 1-22-2005 3:10:33 PM
I like the rainbow idea mentioned below but some other organizations have that one already. Let's face it the liberal masses already boosted the other colors. Don't get me wrong as I am not endorsing the idea. I just do not have any objection to it as minor image tweeks can actually help. How about chrome ? Is chrome a color ? Steel grey would be cool as that would go well with the steel and auto unions.

GOPinND 1-22-2005 4:03:58 PM
I think a rainbow is good at capturing the Big Tent of todays GOP. I dont know who else uses a rainbow. R U thinking of the rainbow group or rainbow coallition that jessy jackson ran? i dont think that's around anymore. I say we grab the rainbow idea! in fact, i was in town last weekend, and saw a rainbow sticker for sale. now the old pickup proudly sports a rainbow sticker right next to the W sticker!

Old Man 1-22-2005 5:29:30 PM
I like Red White and Blue. But, since red is common in many flags beside communist flags, red doesn't bother me. To me it symbolizes the blood our soldiers and patriots have shed to keep us free.

dupperbob 1-22-2005 7:50:03 PM
As a note of interest, a Rainbow is visual proof that GOD will not flood the world again. So before you consider the change in the meaning of a common biblical occurrence consider who is making the change.