Blessed are the harlots

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Bloodshed is our new sacrament

I was worried about the feminization of our churches until I read this. Our places of worship are finding their manhood again and becoming temples of war. Where once words of wimpish compassion were spoken, we now hear tributes to glorious violence and destruction.

Jesus has officially joined us in our eternal war against brown people. To that, I say, "hallelujah."

Note: Thanks to all of you who emailed me about this.

Hell hath no fury like a censored censor

I don't understand why this fine patriot is so upset. As a censor himself, he should understand the importance of censorship in Our Leader's America.

From the CafePress Watch blogger:

Did anyone over there ever express a peep of annoyance at CafePress for the suppression of [my] anti-Che designs?

Why I revere Our Leader (Reason #237)

I write about it at TAS.

I've been accused of "Pending Hate"

Cafepress has pulled items bearing this graphic from my store. Their reason:

This image cannot be added to any product since it is pending image verification due to the following reason: Pending Hate.

Apparently this fine Kulturekommando found it offensive. Like any good soldier in my militia, he seems to be offended by a lot of things: liberals, brown non-Christian people, nipples, brown non-Christian people, naked women, brown non-Christian people, commies, brown non-Christian people, Darwin Fish, brown non-Christian people, sex, brown non-Christian people, Janeane Garofalo, brown non-Christian people,and finally, brown non-Christian people.

Thomas Jefferson rots in Hell

Del. Charles W. Carrico
Virginia House of Delegates

Dear Del. Carrico,

Your attempt to amend the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom is to be commended. It's about time someone destroyed this offensive piece of democrapornography. For nearly a quarter of a millennium it has been used by those who hate God and America to force their tyranny of tolerance on good white Christian patriots. I bet the statute's author, Thomas Jefferson is rolling in his grave. Thank God, there are wiser men than him amongst us today who aren't afraid to correct his wreckless thinking.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The offensive statute:

VIRGINIA STATUTE FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM
Whereas Almighty God hath created the mind free; that all attempts to influence it by temporal punishments or burthens, or by civil incapacitations, tend only to beget habits of hypocrisy and meanness, and are a departure from the plan of the Holy author of our religion, who being Lord both of body and mind, yet chose not to propagate it by coercions on either, as it was in his Almighty power to do; that the impious presumption of legislators and rulers, civil as well as ecclesiastical, who being themselves but fallible and uninspired men, have assumed dominion over the faith of others, setting up their own opinions and modes of thinking as the only true and infallible, and as such endeavouring to impose them on others, hath established and maintained false religions over the greatest part of the world, and through all time; that to compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves, is sinful and tyrannical; that even the forcing him to support this or that teacher of his own religious persuasion, is depriving him of the comfortable liberty of giving his contributions to the particular pastor, whose morals he would make his pattern, and whose powers he feels most persuasive to righteousness, and is withdrawing from the ministry those temporary rewards, which proceeding from an approbation of their personal conduct, are an additional incitement to earnest and unremitting labours for the instruction of mankind; that our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics or geometry; that therefore the proscribing any citizen as unworthy the public confidence by laying upon him an incapacity of being called to offices of trust and emolument, unless he profess or renounce this or that religious opinion, is depriving him injuriously of those privileges and advantages to which in common with his fellow-citizens he has a natural right; that it tends only to corrupt the principles of that religion it is meant to encourage, by bribing with a monopoly of worldly honours and emoluments, those who will externally profess and conform to it; that though indeed these are criminal who do not withstand such temptation, yet neither are those innocent who lay the bait in their way; that to suffer the civil magistrate to intrude his powers into the field of opinion, and to restrain the profession or propagation of principles on supposition of their ill tendency, is a dangerous fallacy, which at once destroys all religious liberty, because he being of course judge of that tendency will make his opinions the rule of judgment, and approve or condemn the sentiments of others only as they shall square with or differ from his own; that it is time enough for the rightful purposes of civil government, for its officers to interfere when principles break out into overt acts against peace and good order; and finally, that truth is great and will prevail if left to herself, that she is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has nothing to fear from the conflict, unless by human interposition disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate, errors ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict them:

Be it enacted by the General Assembly, That no man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever, nor shall be enforced, restrained, molested, or burthened in his body or goods, nor shall otherwise suffer on account of his religious opinions or belief; but that all men shall be free to profess, and by argument to maintain, their opinion in matters of religion, and that the same shall in no wise diminish enlarge, or affect their civil capacities.

And though we well know that this assembly elected by the people for the ordinary purposes of legislation only, have no power to restrain the acts of succeeding assemblies, constituted with powers equal to our own, and that therefore to declare this act to be irrevocable would be of no effect in law; yet we are free to declare, and do declare, that the rights hereby asserted are of the natural rights of mankind, and that if any act shall be hereafter passed to repeal the present, or to narrow its operation, such act shall be an infringement of natural right.

Supporting the military

I've received a lot of email today about new media superstar Jeff Jim JD Gannon Guckert. Many are accusing him of being a self-hating, power-hungry, Roy-Cohn-channeling, little carny-barking quisling for so shamelessly shilling for a party that wants to destroy people like him. By "people like him," they mean homosexuals. You see, they're suggesting that he might be a homosexual because he likes to show people pictures of himself dressed only in underwear, and he owns web site domains with names like Hotmilitarystud.com, Militaryescorts.com, and Militaryescortsm4m.com.

I can't see how Mr. Jeff Jim JD Gannon Guckert's detractors can live with themselves. These sites have nothing to do with homosexuality. If they did, Jeff Jim JD Gannon Guckert couldn't serve as Our Leader's point man in the war against seditious reason without being a self-hating, power-hungry, Roy-Cohn-channeling, little carny-barking quisling.

Obviously, these sites are nothing more than a good conservative boy's heartfelt tribute to the troops. They're a thank you to the many servicemen who have fought so hard for Jeff Jim JD Gannon Guckert's right to post pictures of his buff, young, half-naked, stateside, civilian body on the internet.

It sickens me that such a patriotic act could be used against him in this fashion. I pray to God that I am not treated similarly when they learn about my own web tributes to American wool production, www.hot-lesbian-ewe-action.com and ramtheram.com.

Criminal intent

Chief Tom Cowan
Burleson (Texas) Police Department

Dear Chief Cowan,

Today, Radio France ran a story about a Burleson woman you arrested last year for selling "sex toys" at a "Passion Party." I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I didn't know such things existed until I heard the report. Curious to learn more, I did a little research. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the therapeutic prostate stimulation device I use to rehab my little soldier is illegal in Texas.

That has me a little worried. It's always been my dream to wear chaps and visit Our Leader's cowboy ranch. Now, I'm afraid to do it. Sure, I could leave Big Brutus--that's the model name of the therapeutic device I use--home, but if I want to see my little soldier stand proud and tall again, I can't let anything interrupt his workout regimen.

Is there a way I can register Big Brutus so that I can avoid being arrested? I'd be willing to remove the batteries and keep it locked up when not in use if that's what's required.

I'm not the only person affected by this law. I understand that Bill O'Reilly owns a Super Uncut Brutus with MagicTip™ Action. Any help you could give me would make it easier for him to visit Texas as well.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

If it's good enough for Allah worshippers...

Steve Haymond
Child Training Resources for Biblical Parenting

Dear Mr. Haymond,

Your chastisement instrument is a godsend. It never breaks no matter how often or how hard you apply biblically-based discipline to an unruly child. Other than The Rod, which is no longer being produced, I can't think of another child beating tool that can make the same claim. Certainly, Joey Salvati's cheap little paddle can't match it, although, I suppose that when broken, the slivers leave the child with a lasting memory of his parents' love.

You can't beat the price either. Your chastisement instrument may cost seventy-five cents more than Salvati's paddle, but its indestructibility basically makes it a one-time expenditure.

That said, Salvati's paddle comes with something your instrument doesn't, extras like a an appointment slip you can give your child hours before the beating. I think it adds a delightful psychological dimension to the punishment.

You might suggest that your customers wear a leather mask when they beat their children. That would scare the heck out of the little sinners. They could hood them too. If it's good enough for the false-God worshipping Iraqis, it's good enough for god-fearing, white, Christian Children.

He also offers a handy matrix for determining the number of strokes the child should get: one stroke for disrespect, five for smoking, etc. You should consider doing something along the same lines. Since your site is praiseful of the Lord, you could write your matrix in a scriptural voice like this "Thou must beat thine child twice for the sin of taking Lord God's name in vain. Two shall be the number of the beating and the beating of the counting shall be two. Three beatings shalt thou not apply, neither shalt thou beat once, excepting that thou then proceedeth to the second." You get the idea.

You might also consider adding a copy of Richard Aaron Lynley's fine article, In Praise of Spankings for the Teenage Boy. It has one of the best descriptions I've seen anywhere of what a good biblically-based beating should be:

Now we neither refer to nor condone the spanking that consists of a frustrated short barrage of "no-hurt" swats on the seat of the pants that can easily foster ridicule and disrespect for authority...Nor do we mean the inconsistent anger-initiated beating which erupts from unpredictable authoritative mood swings based upon varying standards with undefined limits for acceptable behavior. Such impulsive "discipline" merely fosters resentment born of confusion from mixed signals in an atmosphere of inconsistency and irrational violence. NO, we are referring to a proper SPANKING...A suitable spanking measured in terms of the deed and the need must then be calmly administered on bared buttocks with firm methodical determination and brisk stinging vigor in harmony with a stern lecture on the points at hand. The spanking should sting and embarrass the boy into a state of genuine submissive penitence...leaving him crying, apologizing and promising reform.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

cc: Joey Salvati

Smiting: it's not just for Jesus anymore

Rudy Takala
Manly Homeschooler

Dear Rudy,

I loved the column you wrote for Renew America, Liberals Ain't Got No Manhood. It's about time someone stoop up for our right to engage in the ultimate leisure time activity, recreational smiting. Yep, there's nothing a real man enjoys more than greasing a few people after a hard day at the office.

It's amazing how much things have changed. Four years ago, a man couldn't admit to his love for violence. Now, we have pastors who tell us to watch gladiator movies because "God designed men to be dangerous," Marine generals who joyfully proclaim their love for shooting brown people, and sixteen-year old Christian columnists who defend them.

I wholeheartedly agree with the points you made in your column. Men who decry violence aren't really men at all; they're pussies who will destroy this nation with their morally relativistic thinking. We should hunt them down and shoot them for sport. That's what real men would do. Then, they'd go to the nearest bar, have a few beers, and punch each other in the arm.

Thanks again for your efforts to make homicidal tendencies fashionable again. You're a good kid. You've got a lot going for you. I bet you'll even get to kiss a girl soon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Smite thy neighbor

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