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A curiously strong body of Christ

The Very Reverend Monsignor Michael J. Wrenn
Institute of Religious Studies
Saint Joseph's Seminary

Dear Monsignor Wrenn,

As a fellow warrior for Christ, I know that I can depend on you to defend the Church against a heresy so fraught with evil, I tremble even as I write this letter. Only the knowledge that you have the fortitude to prevent this crime against God prevents me from pounding my head violently against a brick wall until all cares are obliterated by unconsciousness.

You have fought these battles many times before. Your defense of the catechism against the memory of Thomas Merton and the vile blasphemy of gender-neutral language is quickly becoming legendary. I have faith that you'll be successful in the fight you must soon undertake: the defense of the Host.

You see, the Danish Church is considering adding flavor to the Body of Christ. They speak of wafers which taste like a baguette made out of a mixture of wheat and rye flour--yes, a baguette, a bread as French as a Jeff Gannon clip reel.

Being Scandinavians, you know they won't stop there. How long will it be before they replace the wafer with a Mentos mint? Can Mentos every really be the Transubstantiationmaker^®?

We need to head them off by introducing our own, American-style host. One that expresses our nation's recent rejection of feminism. We need a manly host, a curiously strong body of Christ, something that'll make you jump up from your kneeling position and scream, "holy Jesus!" I hope you'll agree that Altoids are the only available option.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The General tips his helmet to reader iocaste for the lead.

"A 10 on tha Manly Scale of Absolute Pimp"

Somebody found Jesus' General via this foreign search engine. I don't recognize the language, but I suspect it's French. I bet the bastards are calling me a homosexual. I'm not. It's very important that you understand that. Don't believe a damned word that comes out of Col. Cleetus' purty little mouth.

The General is not a homosexual

The French are at it again. First, they try to marginalize my important conservative message by giving me a Koufax Award for humor. Now, one of their newspapers, the Star Tribune, is saying I'm a homosexual:

Jesus' General[:] Political blog from the viewpoint of a gay man, with LIBERAL doses of sarcasm, irony and humor.

Long time readers know that it's not true. Sure, I earned a few bucks by allowing other men to violate every orifice in my body, but that doesn't mean I'm a homosexual. I only did it to get the experience I need to be a White House reporter.

I hate homosexuality. Fighting it is the major focus of my militia ministry. It's a huge sacrifice on my part. It forces me to think about homosexual sex every waking minute of my life. I do it so you don't have to.

I don't even look like a homosexual. I'm a big, hairy, bear of a man. Even my wife, Ofjoshua, can't escape the aura of my masculinity. It's the source of her nickname, "Beard." Every time we go into town, I hear people whispering, "there goes the Bear and his Beard." I don't know why they giggle when they say that. I suppose it's just nervousness.

My anticlimactic ash storm

It looks like Northwest Cable News covers possible volcanic ash blizzards the same way they cover storms. Contrary to their hype, we weren't buried in a pompeian deluge of St Helens' cinders. In fact it's hard to find any evidence that an ash cloud passed through here.

Thanks to everyone who expressed concern for Ofjoshua. She's breathing fine.

Wow, another thank you

I'm sure a lot of you are growing tired of the General thanking readers for sending things, but Amazon doesn't include the sender's email address with the receipt. This is usually the only way I can express my thanks. I say usually, because this time, the sender, Dean from Chicago, wrote me a note last week. I could just thank him by sending an email, but I thanked everyone else publicly, so I should do the same for him.

So thank you Dean from Chicago.

He sent me a book by that French, warm-blooded, sea carnivore from Seattle. It's called Death on the Fourth of July. It sounds very patriotic and I look forward to reading it. Heck, maybe I'll even get the author to sign it the next time I go to the Emerald City for a paddling. Don't go reading anything in to that. I'm not saying that David Neiwert is the man who I pay to spank me back into righteousness after I've sinned. I don't think he does that kind of thing. After all, he's a journalist, not a White House reporter.

Dean also sent me this interesting link to a network map of political books based on purchase patterns It's fascinating.

Abandoning values

The General's heart soars whenever he sees Democrats betraying their basic values. Indeed, my little soldier awakens from his paralysis and stands at attention every time Joe Lieberman praises the Eternal War Against Brown People or Joe Biden humps the leg of a credit card magnate like a hounddog at a Santorum family picnic. Of course, it doesn't mean that I'm inclined to vote for them--not as long as there are real Republicans in the race--it's just fun to see them debase themselves in a fruitless effort to pander to folks like me.

That's why I'm so happy to see Ed Rendell and the Democratic establishment doing everything they can to convince pro-choicers to abandon plans to run against Sen. Santorum. It's good to see the Democrats adopting a patriarchal approach to women's rights. We'll applaud them for doing so right up to the moment we pull the lever for Santorum.

They should consider a similar approach for winning back the South, a region that was solidly blue until the Democrats embraced civil rights. "Segregation now and forever," should be their rallying cry. They'll win the respect of every confederate-American from Little Rock to Tallahassee. Heck, it might even get them a few votes if the Republican Party should suddenly disintegrate.

The ash is starting to fall.

I listen to Majority Report via Sirius during my 90 mile post-sundown commute home and am therefore unable to hear local news. Imagine my surprise when I stopped for gas at the station near my house and learned that the gray stuff on my car is the beginning of a Mt St Helens ash storm. I don't know how much we'll get, but I'll try to get some pictures.

I don't know if I'll post anything else tonight. I'll be glued to the TV and the web. My wife has asthma and the ash is worrisome.

Clarification: I only listen to Majority Report so that I can monitor Mr. Crowley, who I believe to be the antichrist. I hope to catch him admitting to Jean Ann and Sam that he's responsible for stealing Rep. DeLay's soul.

Death squad hilarity

The General's old usenet buddy, Hal Turner, is in the news again. Apparently, the French are angry with Hal for posting a picture of Judge Lefkow on his website and captioning it with a "gotcha" after her husband and mother were brutally murdered in their home. He says it was just some good natured "ribbing."

That's the thing about Hal: he loves a good joke and there's nothing funnier than the knowledge that right-wing death squads are now operating here in America. I'm sure John Negroponte is peeing his pants in laughter even as I write this.

Of course, the real reason the French are attacking Turner is because of all the good work he's done for the Republican Party. Hal is a tempting target. He's served our nation as a Republican candidate for Congress, an organizer for Pat Buchanan, a chair of the Republican Party of Hudson County (NJ), and a Republican Committeeman.

Yes, It's just another example of liberals trying to drag one of Our Leader's finest sturmtruppen down. Isn't it time we put an end to their politics of personal destruction? Will no one rid us of the meddlesome left?

The General ♥ John from Albany (in a manly, purely heterosexual kind of way, mind you)

Thanks, John, for the Fresh Air CD. I'm always amazed and humbled when people send me this stuff. Thanks.

Antichrist Revealed!

It looks like I now have an ad for a book that names the Antichrist. Congratulations commenter Anni. You're famous.

Purging Justice

We eat freedom fries at every meal. It's our way of contributing to the war effort. We see it as a symbolic, sacrificial gesture that'll help us defeat the Godless Muslims and their European handmaids. Occasionally, a dinner guest will spoil our little celebration of American supremacy by calling our sacramental potatoes, "french fries." When that happens, I pass out the ipecac and the purging begins. Our bodies are temples to God. We must not pollute them with french foods no matter how tasty they might be.

One of Our Leader's most faithful servants, Scott Bloch, is conducting a similar kind of purge at the Department of Justice's Office of Special Counsel. His office is tasked with investigating discrimination complaints made by federal employees. He's done a great job. Last year, he prevented many new cases from being filed by unilaterally deciding that persecuting homosexuals in federal workplaces would no longer violate federal law. Recently, he cleared more than 600 cases by simply moving files from the filing cabinet to the recycle bin It's that kind of innovative thinking we've been demanding of our leaders in Washington.

Some of the OSC staff were resistant to Mr. Bloch's bold new strategies and they voiced concerns about them. They seemed to lack faith in the rightness of Bloch's actions. Fortunately, Bloch understands the danger posed by internal policy discussions and has purged these apostates. For that, the General salutes him.

White supremacists don't commit acts of terror; foreigners do.

Earlier this week, U.S. Judge Joan H. Lefkow's mother and husband were murdered in their Chicago home. A white supremacist leader, Matthew Hale, is currently serving time in prison for conspiring to assassinate Judge Lefkow. This has led many to speculate that the murderers may have been white supremacists. Indeed, franco-bloggers have identified a couple of Hale's followers as possible culprits.

The patriots at the Free Republic understand that such acts of terrorism cannot be carried out by white, Christian Americans. It's an impossibility. It must have been foreign brown people:

Consider also that Al Qaeda and other Islamofascists have been infiltrating White Supremist and Michigan Militia-type groups for years.
16 posted on 03/05/2005 4:51:44 PM PST by attiladhun2

The gov't and WE should concentrate on the muzlims in America...They are a far larger threat than any white only, or black only group...
21 posted on 03/05/2005 5:07:10 PM PST by Iscool

Other Freeper-Americans suggest that perhaps the murders served a noble purpose and seem to be eager to see more:

This may be a blessing in disguise. Our country is grappling with judges who do not understand that there is a war, and issues about "torture", rights for enemy combatants and etc, these new threats may wake them up because for the first time in these judges lives, they are vulnerable and threaten. Survival is no longer an academic thing. Make a dumb ruling that undermines the police and military ability to fight criminals and terrorists have personal consequences.
17 posted on 03/05/2005 4:53:40 PM PST by Fee

They know who the left wing judges, reporters and university professors are.

It is simply a matter of each individuals 'activist' choosing a suitable target and then taking action.
5 posted on 03/05/2005 4:42:23 PM PST by BenLurkin

Still others seem to believe that the media is using the story as an excuse to attack decent, God-fearing Americans like themselves:

The msm is desperate to get back to attacking Americans.
46 posted on 03/05/2005 8:34:17 PM PST by marty60