Necrophillic Hate-mongering Conservative Christian Cannibals for Immigration Control

Remember Bryan Barton? He's the fine, young, Christian, conservative Minuteman who humiliated an impoverished and hungry brown man earlier this week after catching him near the Mexican border. Before turning the illegal immigrant over to the Border Patrol, Barton, a compassionate conservative, gave him an important lesson in capitalism and responsibility by exchanging a handful of Wheaties, "The Breakfast of Champions," for an opportunity to be videotaped while holding a t-shirt emblazoned with the words, "Bryan Barton caught an illegal alien and all I got was this T-shirt."

Well, Bryan Barton is running for Congress and he needs your help. You see, the French are trying to destroy him by calling him a bigot. They point to his past work as the editor of The Koala, an independent University of California San Diego student publication renowned for its racist, homophobic, and misogynistic editorial perspective.

The left was particularly angered by an issue of The Koala called "Jizzlam," in which Barton published his fantasy of killing a Muslim woman, raping her dead body, and then eating it. Personally, I don't see why they have a problem with that. It's the kind of thinking that gets rewarded in Tom DeLay's Congress.

Anyway, Byran Barton needs your help. Please drop him an email or give him a call at (619) 276-4131 (apparently, this is the number to his Student Job Line business. I hope no one notices that by using it as his campaign number as well, he's violating federal law.)

On the sixth day, God blamed a staffer

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Jesus is riding a dashboard to Baghdad

Zookeeper, whose urinal stickers allow patriots to look at their little soldiers and Our Leader at the same time without worring that it might prompt an uncomfortable line of questioning from their girlfriends and wives, writes an excellent post about Wal-Mart's newest location.

The poor are our playthings

Bryan Barton
The Koala

Dear Mr. Barton,

Over the last few years, I've been secretly seething about the end of American dominance in international basketball. Our dream teams were once untouchable. Our games were not measured in wins and losses, but in the degree of humiliation to which our opponents were subjected. Now, each game is a battle for respectability.

The same holds true for our armed forces. The military might that brought Grenada, Panama, and the Serbs to their knees is now stumbling badly in Iraq. Of course it's not our fault--the Iraqis refuse to play the role Sec. Rumsfeld assigned to them--but, still, we seem to be unable to humiliate one of the weakest fighting forces we've ever faced.

That's why I'm so excited about what you're doing. Your treatment of the illegal immigrant you captured in Arizona reminded me that America has no match when it comes to humiliating the poor. We're already the best there is and we're still working hard to improve on our technique. There's no telling how far we'll go once we pull the social security safety net out from under the working poor and middle class.

Keep up the good work, and don't forget to make homeless guys do humiliating tricks before you give them quarters.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Florida: Red America's Mecca

Kevin Beary
Orange County Sheriff

Dear Sheriff Beary,

I'm very impressed by the tenacity you demonstrated in your pursuit of Alice Gawronski. I don't think she'll be writing any more letters to the newspaper accusing you of using taser guns on suspects because you're too physically unfit too chase them. I hope you tasered her impertinent butt when you caught her.

I understand that the Florida Legislature recently passed a bill to allow citizens to exercise their God given right to engage in gunplay in the streets. Perhaps once the bill is enacted, you could shoot Mrs. Gawnowski when she's leaving her local Piggly Wiggly with an arm full of groceries. I think that would send a powerful message to others who treat law enforcement officers disrespectfully.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The GOP's First Annual Culture of Life Festival

Chairman Ken Mehlman
Republican National Committee

Dear Chairman Mehlman,

We need to capitalize on all of the goodwill generated by the Party's recent Culture of Life activities. What better way to do that than to turn the Washington DC Fourth of July Celebration into a Culture of Life Festival?

We'll need to get moving on this right away, so I've put together an event schedule for your review:

Call To Prayer: True Father Sun Myung Moon, Messiah

Honor Guard: Jeff Gannon, journalist

Mr. Gannon will provide our nation's flag with a military escort. Parents are urged to shield their children's eyes.

Warm Up Act: Blastocyst Bob McCullough (Blastocyst-American brother of Presidential Trivia Whizkid Noah McCullough)

Bob will match his amazing ability to rapidly divide and multiply against the mathematical talents of the entire Social Security Board of Trustees.

Scavenger Hunt: Rep. Tom Delay, Sen. John Cornyn, and Pokey the Box Turtle

Rep. Tom Delay* will award a Choose Life T-Shirt to the first 100 people who bring him a judge's ear to add to his necklace. Sen. Cornyn will greet each returning contestant with a hug and the words, "The bastard deserved it." Pokey the Box Turtle will ensure that Sen. Cornwyn doesn't lose interest and wander off.

*Rep. DeLay might have a scheduling conflict. He may be feverishly conducting an abstinence education class for the boys of the Aryan Brotherhood in Cellblock B. If that's the case, we'll get Randall Terry to award the shirts.

Tribute to Freedom: Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld

Sec. Rumsfeld will bring freedom to the brown people of Washington's Anacostia district by leveling their neighborhoods with a missile strike.

Life Saving Demonstration: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

Attorney General Gonzales will personally beat ten randomly chosen Iraqis to death in an attempt to obtain "ticking time bomb" information that may save countless lives.

Tribute to the Arts: President George W. Bush will honor the Culture of Life by coloring a picture of baby kitties.

Fireworks: Randall Terry

Mr. Terry will preside over the most spectacular fireworks display Washington has ever seen. Every abortion clinic within a 10 mile radius will be hit with napalm simultaneously.

Well, that's it. Let's get together and start planning.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Bloggers

Have you filled out your A24-B7.

We're going to party with Hot Tub Tom

Join me for a Tom DeLay Appreciation Party.

As you may have heard, Tom DeLay is expected to leave Congress soon. I'm told that he's going to be teaching an accelerated class on abstinence to the men of Cellblock D at Leavenworth Federal Prison.

I hope you'll join me in sending him off.

It hasn't shown up on the website yet. I'll link to it when/if it does.

A rifle named Jezebel

John M. Brown
Zion Oil & Gas, Inc

Dear Mr. Brown,

I've always wondered what the heck Ezekial was thinking about when he wrote: "And lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses." That passage has always sounded lewd to me, so lewd in fact that whenever I read it, I'm quickly overwhelmed by temptations of the flesh and end up locked up in my rifle room with a big bottle of vasoline and dozens of issues of Guns and Ammo, Soldier of Fortune, and WWF Raw Magazine.

Once I realize what I'm doing, I inevitably go on a Bible-burning spree in an effort to rid our nation of obscenity. Of course, that gets me to thinking about donkey members again, and the next thing I know I'm trapped in a vicious cycle of rifle rogering and bible burning.

I'm sorry. I'm going off on a tangent and getting myself all worked up again. My point is that I think I've finally figured out what that verse really means. I have you to thank for that.

You see, I read an article today about how you are using the Bible to explore for oil in Israel. I think you might be onto something, but I fear that you're using the wrong verse. Sure, Deuteronomy 33:24, with all that talk of foot oiling, seems like it would be a good place to start, but don't you think Ezekiel 23:20 is more promising? Couldn't the donkey members actually be oil derricks? And isn't it more likely that Ezekial was talking about oil gushers rather than horse gushers? After all, he was a man of God; he wouldn't write pornography.

Eziakial 23:20 takes place in Chaldea. I believe that's in Iraq. That's where you should be looking.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

An Army Major 's war against Democrats, Chi-Coms, Mexicans, and Satan

Major James F. Linzey
United States Army

Dear Major Linzey,

Ask any random group of people to name the fronts in our Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People and most will answer "Iraq," some will add Afghanistan, but few, if any, will mention the Mexican Border. It's the forgotten front.

You must find that to be very frustrating. It must make it difficult for you to exhort people to volunteer to help the Minutemen guarding our border in Arizona (mp3 file* [These links are dead. You can hear the recordings by playing them on the player at the bottom of this post]). Hopefully, it's an easier sell once potential recruits hear the secret CIA intelligence you share during your radio interviews. After all, what true patriot could resist an offer to sign up after he hears the news that we captured four Red Chinese soldiers sneaking a dirty bomb across the border (mp3 file*) or the intel about the 5,000-10,000 Chi-Com trainers who are preparing the Mexican Army to invade the United States (mp3 file*).

Normally people would discount such information as the ravings of a lunatic, but coming from an officer in the U.S. Army--the very man to whom Our Leader entrusted our Iraqi invasion force's spiritual well-being--such charges are given a level of credibility that cannot be ignored.

The same holds true for your claims that the Democratic Party and the Communist party are one in the same and that Satan sent the Democrats to destroy our nation (mp3 file*). Your status as an Army officer provides these charges with a credibility that might otherwise be missing.

I salute you for providing us with this important information. Sadly, far too many Army officers are too timid to bring the truth to the people. I thank God for giving you the courage to do so.

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

*The MP3 files are from a March 12, 2005 interview with Major Linzey on The Edge with Daniel Ott radio show.

Update: The links to the sound files are dead, so I put them in the player below:

FileFactory.com