It's the bigotry that's important

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Remember, the General is infallible

Kentucky Derby

1. Afleet Alex

2. Bellamy Road

3. Bandini

You can bet on it. Like the Pope, I am infallible.

Saluting a "sex nazi"

Jim West
Mayor, City of Spokane

Dear Mayor West,

I've been a big fan of yours since your days in the legislature. No Senator fought the homosexual with more ferocity than you. It was a treat to see you in action.

Now, I read that the homosexuals are getting their revenge by accusing you of porking other men. I don't believe it. Sure, you might have pretended to be a homosexual and in doing so may have written , "true consenting adults must have the ability to protect their privacy or else the damn sex nazis will be telling everyone what to do." I know you didn't mean it, because I'm pretty sure that I've seen you dressed in sex nazi gear, yourself.

It was back in February. I was in Seattle receiving punishment for having impure thoughts during Toby Keith concert. You were there as well I think, waiting to see the nice man who spanks people for money. As I recall, you were wearing what appeared to be a leather version of an SS uniform except with chaps instead of pants. I think we talked for a few minutes about which instrument of punishment was better--I preferred the Might Spatula of Redemption, while you argued that the Terrible Auger of Agony has no match.

I enjoyed meeting you. I'd be glad to be a character witness. Give me a call

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Rush is ready to serve

See my post at TAS for details.

Little Green Reichspropagandaleitung

Mr. Spock notes that Mr. Johnson is an affectionado of the classical style of political cartooning.

Here's one of the many (be sure to see them all) of the comparisons Spock makes:

Caricatures of the Untermensch

"When Hitler took power in 1933, Der Stuermer was already one of the most popular Nazi publications, selling about twenty-five thousand copies weekly. By then its anti-Semitic campaign was in full swing... With the slogan "Die Juden sind unser Ungluck" ("The Jews are our misfortune"), the weekly reached a circulation of about half a million copies by 1938...

The style of the paper was crude, aggressive, and easily comprehensible; the articles were composed of simple, clear sentences, blunt and repetitive. The most striking element was the anti-Semitic cartoons, which became the paper's highlight after the work of Philipp Rupprecht ("Fips") first appeared on the front page on December 19, 1925. "Fips," a master caricaturist, sought to make the subjects of his cartoons contemptible through ridicule. His drawings were vivid and revolting. The essential characters in "Fips" caricatures showed the Jews with ugly faces with huge hooked noses, bulging eyes, large ears, swollen lips, and unshaven beards; long hairy arms and hands; and short crooked legs. They were also portrayed as sexually perverted."

http://www.history-of-the-holocaust.org/
LIBARC/LEXICON/LexEntry/Stuermer.html


After seeing months and months or photos of these almost-human bottom-feeders I have to wonder out loud "how in Christ's name is it possible for one race (i.e., Arabs) to be so hideously ugly?!"

...They have got to be THE single most unattractive group of beings to ever disgrace the planet Earth. What's in their genes that makes them so terribly, grossly ugly?...

And speaking of Middle Eastern chicks, have you ever seen ONE truly attractive Arab woman? And let's not count the recent spate of Lebanese hotties that've been popping up on this and other 'net sites lately. There's a lot of European blood in Lebanon, which explains the light hair and eyes of many. But as for the rest, puke-city! I truly believe that they're cursed by God, and with good, no...great, reason."

http://www.littlegreenfootballs.com/ weblog/?entry=15473_Palestinian_Child_Abuse

Is that a bugle in your pants

Laura Bush
First Lady of the United States

Your Ladyship,

Like you, I cherish human life in all its forms. It does not matter if it is a fetus, a baby, or a brain damaged adult who possesses the cognitive ability of a bowl of chili. I love them all the same, even your brother-in-law, Neil.

Spermatozoan-Americans are the most neglected of our citizens. Every day, billions are left to die in tube sock deserts across this great nation. Nobody cares about this holocaust. It's never mentioned in the news or even in conversation.

Something needs to be done to end the slaughter. That's why I've raised an army of spermatozoan-Americans. I keep them in mason jars in my cellar where it's cool. My hope is that I can train these littlest Americans to seek out those wicked men who spill their seed and smite them.

They'll need some form of transportation to do this. The distances involved are great in relation to the spermatozoan-American's size. At first, I planned to provide them with tiny automobiles. This idea had the added benefit of providing them with the means of running over their enemy--you know how effective that is--but I found it impossible to build a car that small.

I was at a loss as to how to solve this problem until I heard what you said at the correspondents dinner. Your story about how your husband likes to "milk" the stallions on your ranch gave me an idea. Perhaps, he could harvest enough horse spermatazoa to equip a spermatozoan-American cavalry.

What do you think? Can he spare any? Is he using it for something else?

Please get back to me as soon as possible. Millions more die in this holocaust every minute we delay.

Heterosexually* yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

*I'm not hitting on you, your Ladyship. I only close with the words "heterosexually yours" so that it is understood that I'm not a homosexual. It's very important to me that people understand that. I don't want there to be any question about my orientation.

Crooks, Liars, and a Godly Man with one Hell of a Backhand

That Crooks and Liars guy gave me another letter to post:

Dear Dr. Dobson,

I was very troubled by the recent actions of the St. Petersburg, Florida police the other day when they hauled off that 5-year-old girl away in handcuffs.

I thought they acted in a clearly puritanical manner. However, after receiving your book " Temper Your Child's Tantrums " from my Opus Dei recruiter, I realized that she was acting out in obviously the state you so beautifully described in the chapter called " Challenge the Chief."

Normally I'm all for a little corporal mortification. A day is not complete until I take off my Cilice, and rake my back with a cat-o nine tails for a few hours to cleanse myself of the sins of this unholy world and get right with the Lord if you know what I mean.(wink,wink) However, I wasn't all that much in favor of flogging our children to make sure they keep their pie holes shut.

After reading the blissfully written passage where you say, "corporal punishment is an act of love on our children" I was really impressed. So impressed that I now feel that the police didn't go far enough with this little out of control, activist judge err…girl. I have written the school board, the principal and the PTA demanding that they take her out to the school yard and hang her up by the thumbs from the monkey bars until she realizes what she has done was wrong. Then I have suggested that we should set aside a little time each day so we can administer a "spank-a –thon" to our kids so that they... and if I might use that great South Park Conservative Eric Cartman's words" Respect my authority"

The sooner we get these little bastards in line the better.

Heterosexually yours,

Crooks and Liars

Dirty minds

Rep. Don Sherwood
U.S. House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sherwood,

It looks like the enemies of all that is right and good have targeted you for destruction. Your eighty-four percent positive rating from the Christian Coalition draws their ire like an ethics lecture at a House leadership retreat. They can't help but jump to the most evil conclusions when confronted with the most innocent circumstances.

That's why they snicker at your explanation of your relationship with Cynthia Ore. They do not think it's possible for a 64 year old man to innocently drop in on a 29 year old platonic friend to give her a back rub followed by a little friendly strangling. They aren't interested in the truth, because such an innocent relationship is beyond their ken.

I know what you're feeling now. I, too, have been the victim of similarly sick speculation. There is nothing wrong with a friend stopping by for an innocent, if rather drunken, round of relaxation exercises featuring cucumbers, vasoline, gladiator costumes, and a Twister game.

Don't let the vile French rumor-mongers get to you. Just point at a random person and scream "HOMOSEXUAL!" Then, you'll be welcomed back into your colleagues arms.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Behold J. Kenneth Blackwell in whom I am well pleased

J. Kenneth Blackwell
Ohio Secretary of State

Dear Sec. Blackwell,

I've been reading a lot lately about the State's Workers Compensation Fund's investment in the lucrative rare coin market. Like you, I think it's a good investment for the state. Sure, it's risky as hell, but I have faith that the value of the buffalo head nickel has nowhere to go but up.

That said, you might consider diversifying Ohio's portfolio by investing in the collectibles market. I see great possibilities there. With all of the recent media interest in Catholicism recently--the sheer amount of CNN's airtime on papal politics is rivaled only by its white-women-in-danger coverage--you should consider investing in Pope Innocent III action figures (with removable pope hat). I don't see how you can miss with this. Pope-mania is sweeping the country right now.

If you're looking for something a little less risky, you might consider Time Capsule Toys' Talking Jesus action figure. Each Jesus comes with its own numbered certificate of authenticity, thereby increasing its value as a collectible. It will also have a broad potential resale market. Both Catholics and real Christians will want to get a hold of one of these puppies.

There's also a political upside to investing in religious collectibles. You're going to be running in a Republican gubernatorial primary soon. Think about how Dr. Dobson will feel when he learns that you're responsible for convincing the State to invest in Jesus action figures. He'll love you for it. What's more, with all of the State's buying power, I'm sure you could get Time Capsule Toys to program their Jesuses to say, "Behold J. Kenneth Blackwell in whom I am well pleased." Think about what that kind of endorsement could do for you in a Republican primary.

This could be your big break. The Governor's Mansion is just your first stop. If you play your cards right, you could make the Pope Innocent III and Talking Jesus action figures a central part of our party's Social Security reform efforts. It could be your ticket to the White House.

Please give my ideas your full consideration. I'll be waiting for your call.

Sincerely,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Little Green Book Reviews

Mr. Johnson at Little Green Footballs is outraged that the people at sorryeverybody.com published a book of photographs from the site:

The moonbats responsible for the site sorryeverybody.com show that they’re not immune to the siren song of capitalism, by turning their self-loathing insanity into a book with a foreword by crackhead cartoonist Ted Rall...

Of course the fine Lizardoids who inhabit LGF responded by writing Amazon reviews in that witty style so familiar to those of us who regularly read their comments.

Here's a sample:

"I sit back and laugh at the capitolist that will make MORE money from liberal morons"
--M. Burns (New Jersey)

"the United States is owed an apology by the Islamofascists and their European appeasers"
--Mookie Wilson (Flushing, New York)

After reading many persuasive arguments like those above, I decided to submit my own review to Amazon.

Here it is:

Not Sorry
Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT)

Unlike the authors of this book, I'm not sorry that Our Leader is still president. Thanks to him, Iraq now has better torture and rape rooms than it ever did under Saddam.

Our nickle-plated nipple electrodes never rust. They are as dependable on the ten thousandth interrogation as they were on the first. Saddam's cheap little steel electrodes were the butt of interrogator's jokes everywhere.

As for forced sodomy, the Army's M-480B "Bugger Humper" Glowstick is in a class by itself. Unlike the Six Day War era truncheons favored by Saddam's secret police, the M-480B casts a greenish glow that allows the interrogator to clearly see his or her work. It's the kind of technology that makes me proud to be American.

It's obvious that the authors didn't take the time to look into the truth about the war. One has to wonder why they hate freedom so passionately.