Suffer the little embryos to come unto me

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Why are they ashamed of Leader DeLay?

It looks like some of the commenters at redstate.org are ashamed of the Majority Leader. They're attacking a patriot for writing a post touting DeLay as a presidential candidate.

Note: I can't remember where I first read about this. If it was your blog, let me know so that I can credit you.

The mockery of traditional Heartland values continues

David Brooks
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Brooks,

You may recall that in a previous letter, I alerted you to attacks by the elitist left on one of our most cherished Heartland values, the relationship a man has with his livestock. I cited an exchange between liberal extremist Alan Colmes and culture of life activist Neal Horsley about the latter's "first girlfriend," a mule, as an example of this kind of anti-Heartland bigotry.

The coastal elite's complete lack of understanding of this issue was brought to my attention again today while I was listening to the Michelangelo Signorille show. I had tuned to it on my satellite radio thinking that it might be a hunting or fishing show since it is aired on something called the Out-Q network. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. It was four hours of the same old leftist line about how we should treat homosexuals with dignity and respect. Just what you'd expect from a man with a French name.

At one point, he played parts of an interview he did with Rep. Sally Kern, the Oklahoma legislator who is behind the push to ban tolerance promoting books from the state's libraries. Here's a piece from that interview (MP3 file):

Signorille: Now what about Snow White? That teaches sexuality doesn't it. She kisses the prince and at one point the prince isn't even human; he's a frog.

Rep. Kern: The difference there is that that is still in the heterosexual lifestyle.

See what I mean? Signorille doesn't understand that it's the homosexuality rather than the bestiality we're against. Thank God Rep. Kern set him straight.

That's why I'm asking you, again, to publish a book on this subject. America must be made to understand our love for animals so that they, too, may begin to cherish this important traditional Heartland value as much as we do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Post removed

Prison rape isn't funny, even when it involves Tom DeLay. I should know better.

--patriotboy

C&L takes the culture of life pledge

That god-fearing patriot from Crooks and Liars has come up with a living will for stem cell research. I hope it catches on. Greater love hath no man than he lay down the life of his family for that of a gooey collection of protoplasm.

Stem Cell Research Living Will

I hereby certify that neither I, nor any member of my family, including but not limited to: children, grandchildren, cats, dogs, etc. and any "after acquired" family will never, ever, under any circumstances (even with my fingers crossed) take or ingest any form of drug treatment or medical breakthroughs that are in any way associated with or connected to Stem Cell research. I am morally opposed to this type of medical malfeasance that our lord and Savior and Dr. Dobson most assuredly rebuke. I declare that I am of sound mind and body (as so it is hence with respect to the aforementioned family members) as we execute this irrevocable document and thusly said, this document shall not be challenged in a court of law. This is so despite the fact that I or said parties, would either now or in the future, be the beneficial recipient of such a repugnant life enhancing treatment . Only the Devil's greatest tool, i.e. "temptation" could lead us into sinful thoughts of partaking of this reprehensible policy.

____________________________
XXXXXXXX

____________________________
Rest of Family

____________________________
Pets

____________________________
Notary Public

____________________________
Witness

Clothing the naked snowflakes

Tony Perkins
Family Research Council

Dear Mr. Perkins,

Thanks for the email about Our Leader's love for snowflake Embryo-Americans. The timing was eerie. I received it just moments after I had read the transcript of a White House gaggle where the Minister of Truth answered questions about the same thing.

One of the things I learned from the gaggle is that there are 400,000 to 500,000 frozen Embryo Americans available for adoption. That's a heck of a lot of snowflakes. It's going to be hard to find families for them all.

I'm sure that you've already adopted a passel of them. I adopted one, but little Buford was called back to the Lord in less than a week. I didn't know that you should wait a few years before you try to play catch with them.

I think that one of the reasons people are so reticent to adopt these tiny citizens is because they're not very cute. It's hard to bond with a blob of protoplasm. We need to do something about that if we're serious about finding families for them.

We can make them more attractive to good, conservative, Christian families by dressing them up in little NASCAR sportswear. Think about it. With the introduction of different styles for every driver, it could be bigger than Beanie Babies. Some families would adopt dozens of Embryo-Americans so that they could collect every jacket. Others might adopt twenty or thirty in the hope of getting a rare Dale Ernhardt Jr. truckers cap.

There'd be an added side benefit as well. The clothing would finally provide the little frozen bastards with a bit of protection against the cold.

Of course, eventually we'd end up with a few snowflakes who'd be impossible to place with any god-fearing red state family, but we could always donate them to a zoo like the one they're opening in Germany.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Finally, bread and circuses get public funding

It may have only been four minutes, but it was four minutes without troubling news about the economy, the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People, or the state of our democracy.

The General ♥ Dean from Chicago

...in a very heterosexual kind of way of course. I know you ordered David Neiwert's latest book, Strawberry Days, awhile ago, but it wasn't released until yesterday. I can't wait to read it. Thanks.

Duty calls, Dr. Dobson

Dr. James Dobson
Focus on the Family

Dear Dr. Dobson,

It's been eighteen months since Our Leader announced the beginning of Operation Mission Accomplished. Over thirteen hundred sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers have given their lives while serving Our Leader in carrying out these final mopping up activities. Now, the end is in sight.

We have Sec. Rumsfeld to thank for this. His planners made an assessment of what is driving the insurgency and decided that the Shi'i, Sunnis, Kurds, and Turkmen, who are actively engaged in what amounts to a civil war, would lose their will to fight if they saw photos of Saddam in his underwear. They put their plan into action last Friday. The results speak for themselves--as of Tuesday evening, only 21 American soldiers and a hundred or so Iraqi civilians have lost their lives since the photos were published.

Now, it's time to deliver the final blow. If we humiliate Saddam one more time, I think we can break the back of this insurgency. The question is how to do it. Until last night, I couldn't think of anything more humiliating to a deposed dictator than the knowledge that a billion people were laughing at a picture of him in his not-so-tighty-whities. That changed when I saw Dr. Sen. Bill Frist, MD speaking about the nuclear option compromise. At that moment, it occurred to me that being the guy who carries your water in Washington has to be the most humiliating experience life has to offer.

America needs you, Dr. Dobson. You can end this phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People simply by hiring Saddam to assist Dr. Sen. Frist in pursuing your plans to build a Holy American Empire. Will you answer your nation's call?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Who sent the Jill Sobule CD?

My humblest apologies for misplacing the invoice. It's fantastic. Please email me so that I can thank you, personally.

Wrestling with demons: will Lott submit to Dobson?

Pastor Joe Braucht
Destiny Christian Center

Dear Pastor Joe,

Like you, I'm a big fan of the sport of wrestling. It's the one true sport of the warrior class, a contest with a long tradition that can be traced back to ancient Sparta, where men wrestled each other unclothed--a tradition my men and I continue today. I'm glad to see that you've turned it into a way to worship our Lord and Savior.

As you well know, a special relationship is formed when a man takes hold of another man and forces him to submit to his will. Their testosterone laden sweat mixes and takes on a powerful aphrodisiac-like quality that drives the libido into a frenzied state. It's not a sexual thing--that's impossible because it involves two or more men--rather, it's a kind of patriarchal hyper-bonding, a fraternal act of respect expressed through frantic crotch grinding.

Looking at the pictures of you dressed in the tiger-striped leotards of your "Brutus Beefcake" costume, it occurred to me that wrestling could be more than just a way for men to bond with each other. It could also be a test of a man's character--you learn a lot about a man when his hand is latched onto your grenades.

Perhaps wrestling could be employed to answer the questions Dr. Dobson recently raised about Sen. Lott when he declared that the senator isn't a true conservative. The match could be held at your church's ring.

It would be great. I can almost see it now. Dr. Dobson, "Jesus' Jackhammer," dressed in a tight, white leotard, a big golden cross engulfed in flames blazing across his chest, and a tiny fig leaf outlining his bulge of righteous manhood, facing Sen. Lott, "Dr. Death-Hair," in the red long-johns of his people trimmed with the braided haircuttings of his 14th Amendment citizen servants.

Will the senator submit to Dr. Dobson's Rod of Loving Correction or will Senator Lott beat Jesus' Jackhammer like a runaway servant? We'll never know unless you make it happen.

Heterosexually Yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Cookie finds other ways to worship our Lord.

A forgotten hero in the war against commie tourists

I can't find the words to express how proud I am of Our Leader. His handling of the Luis Posada Carriles situation has been impeccable up to this point. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mr. Posada, he's a freedom fighter who according to FBI, CIA, and Justice Department documents, helped plan the bombing of a commie civilian airliner and, according to his own admission, participated in the bombings of commie hotels.

Fidel Castro wants to try him as a terrorist. It seems that El Presidente believes that bombing commie airlines and commie hotels are terrorist acts and opines that Our Leader might not be serious when he declares that all nations must work together to bring terrorists to justice.

Mr. Posada, who appeared on the Department of Homeland Security's watchlist, entered the country illegally a few weeks ago and set up shop in South Florida. This, of course, embarrassed the State Security Apparatus, who learned of his presence in the country when he scheduled a press conference, so they arrested him.

That puts Sec. of State Ofgeorge in a ticklish position. Posada, a former CIA operative who worked for Venezuelan intelligence, was wanted in Caracas on escape and bombing charges. Since we have an extradition treaty with Venezuela, it looked like he might actually face justice. Ofgeorge can not allow that to happen. By virtue of his heroic actions in the war against communist tourists, he deserves Our Leader's protection.

Fortunately, the State Security Apparatus move quickly to provide Ofgeorge with some cover when they made the extraordinary announcement that they will not deport anyone to Cuba or a country that may be working on Cuba's behalf. Venezuela probably fits that description. The Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, has become quite friendly with Castro since John Bolton's coup against him failed a few years ago. I suspect that he struck up this friendship with Castro in order to prevent Bolton from coming to Caracas to personally berate him and kick him in the balls.

Now, all Ofgeorge needs to do is claim that Venezuela will extradite him to Cuba. Then she can turn down Venezuela's request. According to asylum attorney Ira Kurzban, a second option would be to deny the request based on the Convention Against Torture. That would be difficult because, unlike us, Venezuela doesn't believe in using the Great Glowstick of Freedom and therefore, does not practice torture.

This story is still unfolding. I expect that we'll be hearing more about it as the week progresses.

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