Burning the village in order to save it

Let's go to the videotape.

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A blog like Crooks and Liars can be very expensive to run. Video eats up bandwidth. Now, I know he speaks French most of the time, but some of his posts here have revealed that there's an inner patriot hidden behind all that bleeding heart compassion. Please send Col. C&L some very heterosexual love. His site is a tremendous resource.

No rules against mules

Rev. John Smid
Executive Director and Former Homosexual
Love in Action International

Dear Rev. Smid,

I, too, operate an anti-homosexual ministry. It's a rewarding, but very difficult, way of life. Satan tempts us more than he does the average man. He knows that if he can bring us down, much of our flock will follow. That's why our eyes are constantly drawn to the manly bulges of the good and bad men we meet in our daily endeavors; it's why we often find ourselves in a darkened room where liquor is sold, sharing a drink with a man in a sailor suit; it's why we dress in leather and wear nipple rings in our weakest moments; and it's why we must make that bi-weekly journey to the man with a spatula who offers redemption through punishment for a mere fifty bucks.

I understand what you're trying to do, and I think I can help. I recently came across your Refuge program's list of rules. It's a pretty good list, but a little tweaking will make it even better.

I've quoted a few of your rules, below. Each is followed by my suggestions for improvement and/or implementation.

The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.

Great rule, but wouldn't it be even better if you made all the men wear Osh Kosh overalls and the women, muu muus? After all, traditional clothing promotes traditional thinking. And lets not forget the mules. The young men will need some kind of release during their stay. They will be less likely to startle the mules if they're wearing overalls.

LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances. Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False Images (FI¹s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity, seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women), excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or gay/lesbian behavior and talk.

Take it from a man who's a ten on the manly scale of absolute gender; there's nothing wrong with hyper-masculinity. Haven't you ever been to one of those bars where all the men dress like bikers but none of them own a bike? You won't find a more masculine group of men anywhere. They all look like G Gordon Liddy and John Bolton.

As non-residential clients, Refuge participants must submit to an F.I. search every morning. With the exception of the very first program day, when they may arrive no later than 9:00 a.m., Refuge clients will arrive daily at the Love in Action campus no later than 8:50 a.m., waiting in a designated area until a staff member meets them to perform the F.I. search and check them in. Refuge clients may not enter any of the client spaces on campus before submitting to an F.I. search. All belongings brought to campus will be searched, including book bags, notebooks, wallets, handbags, purses, etc. Items that violate the F.I. policy or the dress code will be held for the client, to be returned no later than the client¹s last day in program. Clients may request to have their F.I. items returned by filling out a C.O.C.

Have you thought about tasering any of the clients you catch with FI? Florida law enforcement officials have found that the taser is a great tool for persuading people to obey silmple orders like a command to end a cell phone call.

All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping for the initial two to three days of their program. A client on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their question or request and show it to another client, staff member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used when absolutely necessary.

I like this one. Add a taser and you have a behavioral change technique no white American has seen since the capture of the USS Pueblo.

No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian).

Surely, Wagner's OK.

Refuge clients are allowed a one-time 15-minute maximum closed bathroom door time for shower/grooming purposes. The only other closed-door alone time allowed is for using the restroom.

That's way too much time. I could have carnal relations with the toilet paper dispenser seven times in fifteen minutes and that includes a cigarette in between each round of rogering. I suggest 10 seconds, tops.

Please give my ideas a try. I'd be glad to come down and do a bit of consulting if it'd help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ole helmet to Jesus' own Miss Poppy Dixon for the lead.

Crazy Jesus wreakin’ havoc on my time

The second chapter of the Jivester's sacred text, Detective Neptune in Christ, the Screaming Avenger is up.

Drinking our way to victory

The Frenchman, Goldy, doesn't seem to understand the value of drinking when it comes to political decision making. The latest phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown people was obviously planned during a 3 day frat party, and I'm pretty certain that an alcoholic blackout resulted in Our Leader's social security plan.

Convoy wiped out, media silent

Bart reports from Iraq.

Update: TAS seems to be down, so here are Bart's reports.

--patriotboy

IRAQ Math, 3161's, the media

Math is big here, for military and civilians. You constantly hear people referring to it. For instance, 139 and a hook, 35 and a wake-up, etc. Of course, what they are referring to is the amont of time they have left in Iraq.

3161's

You may have heard that what we have in the Green Zone is the largest U.S. Embassy, or "mission," in the world. In fact, most of the civilian personnel in Iraq are not career bureaucrats, but 3161's, named for a provision in (from what I've heard) a defense authorization bill that permits hiring them. Some seem to be extremely specialized, in areas like irrigation and damns. Some do things that sound "funny" to me; I've heard several are working with the Iraqi Sports Authority (not the store, but a governmental organization dealing with their Olympic team, yada yada). They are found at all dirrerent levels, but senior levels seem to predominate. I don't know how much the senior ones make; it's been described to me as "outrageous" and "it would amaze you." I'll try to find out more about them.

Media

Hard to figure them out. Last week, a woman (a DOD civilian) got killed when an insurgent rocket hit the Camp Victory gym (maybe I should think seriously about the time I spend at the gym). Virtually no mention of her death. The other day, the insurgents hit a convoy really hard. It was guarded by a firm that hired South African, French, English and Iraqi security contractors. Just about everyone in the convoy is either dead or missing in action. We thought the media would really jump on that, but the only place I saw it was at the end of a yahoo news article.

I guess that something more newsworthy (Michael Jackson getting the hiccups) must have pushed this stuff down the list.

Bart

GYM RAT

I hang out a lot in the gym because, well, there ain't much else to do, and I'd probably hang out there anyways. Some of the personal security contractors from Dyncorp, Blackwater, etc., are also there working out, in addition to Army, Marines, Air Force, etc. Lots of guys with menacing tatoos, goatees, and shaved heads. Trying to look like Edward Norton in American History X. When will that look go out of style?

I've heard some of these contractor boys bitching about their pay, as in they don't get enough. A couple of 'em told me they make $2,400.00 - $2,500.00 a week, which, by my calculations, means they're getting 120 g's a year. Sounds like a good salary, but then, as they say in The Outlaw Josey Wales, "dying ain't much of a living, boy."

Something is odd about this gym. That would be the many supermuscular folks tossing around large amounts of weight. Looks like an NFL training camp. I've been in military gyms, where you have a lot of fit people, but nothing like this.

Methinks some of these boys are cutting corners, as in chemical corners.

Just my opinion. I calls 'em as I see 'em.

Bart

It's late

I just returned from a meeting in a land far, far away. It's too late for me to write anything tonight, so I'm going to post a couple of things other people have sent to me.

***

I hope the state security apparatus is keeping an eye on that French bastard who calls himself the Freeway Blogger.






I suppose he thinks that these signs will convince people to sign Rep Conyer's letter.

***

And now, something from Colonel Crooks and Liars:

Charles Johnson
Little Green Footballs

Dear Mr. Johnson,

I was going through my morning Christian reading material as usual with a hot cup of "smokey Joe" when I noticed a really cute gift idea from Agape press. Its called "Christian Baby Videos." The DVD's tell Bible stories for children from the ages of 0 to 3. The " Little Today, Leaders Tomorrow" video is by far the best."It's designed to stimulate the young mind with the beauty of God's colorful creation." What a terrific way to mold those itsy-bitsy brains into strong Evangelical intellects. It gave me a fantastic idea. Since military recruiting is so far behind their quotas because the welfare class is just too lazy and unpatriotic to join, why don't all the Little Green Numbnut parents pitch in to save our proud country.

My "Marine Corp. Baby" video series features the cutest little guns, bullets and furry hand grenades that you've ever seen. Just imagine the type of warriors your tiny tykes could develop into. Just strap your children into their high chairs and have them gleefully watch the wonderfully animated " Things Go Boom" DVD. What we are really doing here is planning for our future generation's kids too. There's a huge need for brave little fighters to go out and attack errrrr defend this country and what better way to do that then to have them already prepared. Just think of how so far advanced the children of LGF will be above all the other war blogging kids. They'd literally own the sandbox at every school. I'm waiting to take your orders now. You can pay by cash, credit card, and we are proud to announce that C&L is now accepting the highly advertised Iraqi Dinar, the fastest growing currency in the world.

Metrosexually yours,

Crooks and Liars

***

Oh, and stop being so mean to Chad and JJ. You've really shaken those brave patriots. I hope they don't acquire combat induced post traumatic stress syndrome because of this. They're serving their country valiantly.

BTW, I don't believe for one second that anyone threatened JJ's newborn daughter. My guess is that someone suggested that he should send her off to Iraq when she's of age. We should be about halfway through Our Leader's brilliant "Mission Accomplished" phase by then.

Update: I just read some of the comments about JJ's kid. They are way out of line. The author(s) should either apologize or get a guest blogging gig at Little Green Footballs.

In my experience, nothing beats a rattlesnake when it comes to birth control

Lawrence R. Johnston
CEO, Albertsons

Dear Mr. Johnston,

I've wanted to be a pharmacist all of my life. My love for the white lab coat, the mortar and pestle, and the neat pens the drug companies hand out like candy eventually led me to obtain a degree in pharmacy, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to turn it into a career.

You see, I'm a very traditional Christian. I believe that people are healed through faith, not science. Because of this, my conscience does not allow me to fill prescriptions. It's made it very difficult for me to keep a pharmacy job.

I had given up all hope of having a career in pharmacy, but now, thanks to you, I feel like I've been reborn. Your decision to allow pharmacist to refuse to prescribe drugs provides me with an opportunity to follow my dream once again.

Do you have any current openings? I'm willing to use my own healing serpents at no extra cost. You can't beat a deal like that.

I'm looking forward to hearing back from you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Two Kurds walk into a bar...

Bart's latest report from Iraq.

Baptists love the General

Update: Baptist Top 1000 must be having problems. Jesus' General is no longer listed.

I've been at the top of the Baptist Top 1000 since I signed up last week. I've even recieved a few inquiries about advertising on Jesus' General. I guess they know a godly site when they see it.

Death rides a two-toned tapir

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Sen. Buttars,

I was very angry when I first heard that you are introducing a bill to mandate the teaching of divine design in our schools. To me, it sounded like an attempt to sneak the homosexual agenda into our classrooms. In my mind, I pictured a three hundred pound transvestite teaching our children about the various advantages and disadvantages of using particular fabrics.

You can imagine how silly I felt when I read your actual quote: "The divine design is a counter to the kids' belief that we all come from monkeys." Obviously, you were talking about intelligent design.

The fact that I first reacted with suspicion says a lot about our schools. We've come to expect that every new curriculum contains a hidden trojan horse designed to seduce our children into lives of wickedness. Have you considered the possibility that this might be the case with divine design as well?

Who is the "designer" in this curriculum? Is it our Heavenly Father? Or could it be Allah or, God help us, Ganesh? I hope not. My children are Latter Day Saints, and I'll be damned, literally, if I allow them to be seduced by false Gods. I pray that you're doing something to ensure that it doesn't happen.

I hope that you're not stopping with biology. Our children are being indoctrinated into godless secularism in other classes as well. Take astronomy for instance. Kolob, the sun that shines on our Heavenly Father's broad manly shoulders, isn't mentioned in any classroom in Zion. That's unacceptable. Utah schools need to change.

The same holds true for physics. What better way to teach Einstein's Theory of Relativity than to talk about the measurement of time in the Kolob solar system? The Pearl of Great Price* (Abr 3:4), tells us that a day on our Heavenly Father's planet is equal to a thousand of our Earth years. It's time our children learned about this in their classes.

And what about history? Do you know of any textbook currently used in Utah schools that mentions the fact that the Lamanites are Jewish? I bet you can't. Heck, they don't even call them Lamanites. They're referred to as Native Americans instead.

Imagine if you will, the many hours of joy we could provide to our children if we taught true, Latter Day Saint history. Kids love to hear the story of the 2000 brave stripling warriors riding their heroic tapirs into battle against their iniquitous Lamanite brethren. Why shouldn't they have the opportunity to learn about it in our schools?

Please do what you can to bring these truths into the classroom. After you've accomplished that, we can start working on an anthopology curriculum that includes information about the prophet Brigham Young's Sun people.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*The Pearl of Great Price is one of the four standard scriptural works of the Mormon Church. The others are the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants.

Thanks to Zelph the White Lamanite for the tip.

Elsewhere: calculate your age in Kolob time.

Dishonorable Discharge

I was saving this title until my penicillin regimen was complete (I think a lot of good, godly men want to forget about the iniquitous Saturday night that preceded Justice Sunday). Unfortunately, an event has occurred which requires me to use it a little early.

One of the first rules of warfare is to stay true to your mission. I broke that rule this weekend and I've paid a terrible price for it. The General is no longer welcome in the ranks of the Protest Warriors. I've been dishonorably discharged.

I have no one but myself to blame. I know that the Protest Warrior's mission is to fight dissent within our borders, yet I proposed an operation that fell far outside that simple mandate. My plan, Operation Integrity, would have endangered Protest Warrior lives by placing them in Iraq.

It all started with a note from Sergeant Major JJ Honeycutt, commander of the Protest Warrior's Inland Empire (Spokane, WA) Chapter. I've received many emails from SGM JJ in the year since I joined PW, but in this one, he seemed a bit more desperate than usual. I think HQ might be leaning a bit on him because of the high failure rate of his missions. Five out of six are listed as failures on the PW web site. Operation Campus Collaboration is his one success, but that's only because the objective, watching Our Leader's acceptance speech with the Gonzaga College Republicans, was so easily achievable.

Anyway, here's his email:

Subject: HQ chapter broadcast: Protest Warriors
From: JJ@SpokaneRFL.com

So I have been out of the loop for awhile with things... mainly a new baby. My daughter [] was born May 15!!! Anyhow, I am looking forward to getting things up and going again. We need some ideas and some volunteers. The last few missions have been utter failures because I cannot do them by myself. We need some serious focus and motivation.

I want to have a chapter meeting soon so any suggestions on date, place, and time would be appreciated. I want you all to please respond to this email. Let me know if you are still interest in being a part of this chapter. If not, just drop me an email to let me know. I need to weed out the meek and /or lazy. If I don't receive a response I will recommend a possible courtmartial and dishonorable discharge. HAHA... That means I will take you off the list.

If you may be concerned with conflicts in your schedule and upcoming missions and you still want to be part of the chapter let me know. There are still ma!
ny opportunities to help the chapter behind the scene. I just need some confirmation of your intent.

Other than that I hope we can get some stuff done this summer. I want a successful mission under our belt. I also want to apologize for my absence. I tried to get someone to cover but I received no feedback. Also check out the Washington forum and post your thoughts and ideas.

For Freedom,
JJ Honeycutt
SGM, Inland Empire Chpt.

Commander JJ's begging caused me to feel a little guilty, because I haven't been pulling my load. After a few minutes of consideration, it occurred to me that I might be able to put together an operation to help JJ out. Many, if not most, of the warriors in the Inland Empire Chapter are either students or unemployed. "Perhaps," I thought, "we could all go to the recruitment center in Spokane and sign up to serve in the military."

I quickly put my thoughts into an email to all fifty-one members of the chapter.

From: "Gen. JC Christian, Patriot"
Subject: Re: HQ chapter broadcast: Protest Warriors

JJ, I agree that we need to get a successful mission under our belt. We've all heard about how the military is not meeting its recruitment goals. We're facing a manpower crisis. When I look at our membership, I see a lot of able-bodied men and women of military age. I say we hold a rally at the recruiting station. Then, after a few speeches, we all go in and sign up.

Heck, we can always fight the liberals later. It's time to take the Protest Warrior flag to Iraq.

I received two emails in response. The first came from reader Kent's sweetheart, Risawn, who's serving in Kosovo, and the second from Commander JJ, who noted that he did his service during peace time.

Other than that, nothing. None of the other forty-eight warriors responded. That includes: Ben Lange, an unemployed student; Daniel Brutocao, President of the Gonzaga College Republicans and member of the school's golfing team; Steven Himes, whose PW profile lists his hobby as "heroics;" Bill Benson, who claims to be an expert in "terrorism threat assessment, physical security;" Jane Provinsal of the Gonzaga College Republicans; and Cody Clary who claims to be a ninja.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning these fine warriors for not responding to my call to sign up for military service. They did the right thing. Unlike me, they understood that fighting in Iraq is not a part of the Protest Warrior mission. They understand that their skills are needed here at home; their fight is with the dissenters.

It all came to a head on Sunday, when our old friend, Chad Coleman from passtheammo.com sent the following note to the men and women of the Fighting Inland Empire Chapter:

From: "Chad Coleman"
Subject: Re: HQ chapter broadcast: Protest Warriors

Attn All PW's

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot is a liberal troll, a filthy pagan, and he worships the prince of darkness on a full moon. He has been seen hanging around gay bars, drawing pictures of ding-dings, trying hard to be funny and sedective to little boys, as well as operating a blasphemous, and highly homosexual website known as www.patriotboy.blogspot.com.

JJ, remove him from the list.

Not one to stand still for such slander, I replied:

From: "Gen. JC Christian, Patriot"
Subject: Re: HQ chapter broadcast: Protest Warriors

I won't stand still for such slander. I'm a true patriot, a god-fearing Christian, and above all else, one hundred and ten percent heterosexual.

Let's put this nonsense behind us and move forward with Operation Integrity. Those of you who are too old to serve can bring your sons, daughters, and grandchildren along to sign up. Our country needs us.

By then it was too late. Commander JJ sent this short message in response:

Subject: HQ chapter broadcast: Protest Warriors
From: JJ@SpokaneRFL.com

Hey, I found your website... neat stuff. I subsequently deleted you from the our PW chapter. Thanks for the memories.

JJ

Demarche of Bethesda

Bart's latest missive from Baghdad is up at TAS.

Jaw-jacking for Jesus

I can't tell you how angry it makes me when I read something like the following letter. It's an insult to courageous patriots like Charles Johnson, Jonah Goldberg, Ben Shapiro, and myself. We risk our bodies every day, fighting in Our Leader's holy crusade against the dark forces of Islam. The carpal tunnel syndrome, Twinkie induced weight gain, and Cheeto stained fingers we endure mean nothing to this man. He'd rather complain about the aggressive evangelism he's subjected to every minute he's not under fire.

From Stars and Stripes:

DFACs not for religion

There are many chapels on Camp Anaconda, Iraq, for religious services. When one wants to participate or hear religious jaw-jacking, that is where one goes.

There are also many dining facilities. When one is hungry and wants to get something to eat, this is where one goes. When religious services, Bible quoting and gospel singing are held during meal times in the DFACs, this amounts to disrespect for those of other religions and those of no religion.

In the wake of the recent Air Force Academy scandal concerning religious intolerance, one would think those who run the religious departments on Anaconda would reconsider pushing their religion on a captive audience, not only on those who are there just to get something to eat but also on those who work in the DFACS who are of a different faith or no faith at all.

Is it really too much to ask that the preaching and pushing of Christianity be held within the chapels, where those who wish it can seek it there and those who do not wish to hear it will not be held captive and forcibly subjected to Christian ritualism?

I donÂ?t go into the chapels to eat my breakfast, so the religiously inclined should show the same respect and not come into a dining facility to preach their religion.

Frederick Geraci
Camp Anaconda, Iraq