I'm torn as to how to react to the news that the Inquisitor General disrobed the Spirit of Justice. On the one hand, he's endangering our mortal souls by exposing us to a naked breast, but on the other, he's paying tribute to the great work we're doing at Gitmo, Bagram, and Abu Gharib.
August and Campus Progress have more from inside the convention.
Jordon posted this in my comments:
For anyone who hasn't been to the Marriot yet, the ballroom is upstairs on the second floor, and the speakers series are upstairs as well. You can't get into the precedings without credentials (unless you sneak in), but you can hang out outside and perform operations. Today is purely speakers, but tomorrow is business.
Oh, and their happy hour is at Salon 5 from 1:30-3:00. If you can, be there.
My inner Frenchman is threatening to show Ofjoshua my collection of Udders: The Magazine for Red State Men if I don't let him post, so I guess I'll step away from the keyboard for a few minutes.
I don't like to interrupt the General, but occasionally something happens that requires me to break through the fourth wall and speak in my own voice. It's impossible to resist this impulse, because my heart demands that the truth be spoken. I hope you'll forgive me for this indulgence.
I'm seething with anger over Rove's assertion that people like you and I want our soldiers to come home in bodybags. Such a statement is unforgivable. It would not matter if it was a mistake, an unfortunate phrase spoken in anger. It would still be despicable.
It appears, however, that it was something more than loose words uttered at a weak moment: it's part of a calculated strategy to turn those of us who opposed the war into scapegoats for its failure. It's reminiscent of the scapegoating of Jews by German nationalists after WWW I. This new Bush strategy transcends being merely despicable; it is evil.
When you're the father of two beautiful daughters, your house becomes a gathering place for young men. That was certainly the case when my daughters were in high school. We were lucky, most of them were good kids. I spent quite a bit of time with them and got to know them very well.
Now they're coming home from war. The all American boy with a heart of gold talks of his hate for "hajis" and wishes we could nuke the place. The class clown sits in his room all day staring at the Cartoon Channel while self medicating with pot and booze. The nice liberal Jewish boy who melted my wife's yenta heart tells us in a dispassionate, far-away monotone that "killing those animals was like stepping on ants." Our "son" screams at night.
My heart breaks for these boys we adopted in their teenage years. They've lost their souls. And for what?
War does this to people. That's why it should never be entered into unless there is no other alternative. That wasn't the case for this war. As far as I can tell, we invaded Iraq because Bush and the necons wanted to be remembered as great men like Roosevelt or Lincoln, or perhaps more accurately, Augustus. It's there in the subtext of PNAC papers for all to see. The oil is just gravy. That's evil.
My greatest hope when I started posting about Operation Yellow Elephant was that I'd help make College Republicans a laughing stock. It offends me that these children of privilege--I'm referring to their most visible leadership--are so gung ho for a war they refuse to fight. It's as if they believe that the fighting should be left to the inferior lesser classes while they perform the intellectual heavy lifting--it's their birthright.
We need to beat these bastards. We need to have a presence, a non-violent presence, at the convention. Don't look for a leader; look for a map and get down there, now. Show them that we're not going to allow them to blame us for the evil they've accomplished. Be creative. Think of it as open source activism.
--patriotboy
The Bush legacy.
Personnel: Unlimited number of two-three person strike teams.
Equipment: Fax machine
Task: Fax the resolution or your own message to the Marriott (1-703-271-5212). Address it to the following people:
Eric Hoplin (guest)
Corinne Schwarz (guest)
Manny Espinoza (guest)
Kris Hart (guest)
Chuck Efstration (guest)
Paul Gourley (guest)
Jake Grassel (guest)
Stephen Puetz (guest)
Michael Davidson (guest)
We would not want to jam the fax machine provided by those fine conservatives at Marriott, so please alert our readers by posting in the comments once this mission is completed. Don't email me. I'll be in Seattle visiting the man I pay to punish me for sinning. I hear his new Terrible Spatula of Eternal Redemption is wickedly effective.
Speaking of email, I'm inundated with it. I haven't had a chance to read it all yet.
Personnel: Unlimited number of two-three person strike teams.
Equipment: A pack of Lucky Strike cigarettes. Camera.
Location: Marriott Crystal Gateway
Task: Identify meeting wing. Approach entrance looking for College Republicans taking a smoke break. Offer them a Lucky Strike. Tell them, "Lucky Strike was there when we beat Tojo. It'll be there when we catch Osama. Where will you be?" Take photos or videotape.
Caution: End op if asked to leave.
Personnel: Unlimited number of two-three person strike teams.
Equipment: Car, camera, two signs with the words "College Republican Courtesy Shuttle to Army Recruitment Center" printed on them.
Location: Marriott Crystal Gateway
Task: Identify meeting wing. Place signs on car. Drive slowly around the entrances to the meeting wing offering rides to the recruitment center (map and directions) to people who look like College Republicans. Photograph or videotape their reactions.
Caution: End op if asked to leave. Be sure that your registration, insurance, etc is up to date. Do not do this by yourself.
A concerned inner party member makes a call to Mr. Rove's office.
And a song for Karl Rove.
Rep. Duke Cunningham
US House of Representatives
Dear Rep. Cunningham,
I suspect that there will be those who will attack you for your remarks during the debate over the flag burning amendment. They'll point to your statement that the 9/11 dead would want the amendment passed and accuse you of cynically exploiting the victims of that tragedy for your own political gain. I say to hell with your detractors. They don't understand that a red, white, and blue piece of fabric could be so important that even the most despicable acts are acceptable when they're employed in its defense.
Respect for Old Glory is waning these days. People no longer see it as a sacred object. They no longer deem it worthy of worship. I think you can help me change that.
We hold a flag retirement ceremony every year. We conduct it according to the rules of the Tennessee Boy Scout Ceremony. It's a very beautiful, yet manly, ritual. Unfortunately, it's getting harder each year to find someone to serve as the Cremator of the Cloth, the most important official in the ceremony. After being presented with the flag, he cuts the stars and stripes out of it using the Revered Scissors of Glory. Then he burns each stripe while reciting it's meaning. That's followed by the burning of each star and finally, the blue field. After our bugler blows Taps, we end the ceremony by giving the Cremator of the Cloth a severe beating for cutting up and burning the flag. Then, we all head out for beer.
This year, I'd like to televise the ceremony so that a broader audience could experience it. I need you to get C-SPAN or Fox News to broadcast it. We'd also be honored if you'd serve as our Cremator of the Cloth.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
I'm trying to figure out what Pastor-Governor Perry meant when he called the TV reporter a MoFo. Is that some kind of Southern Baptist thing?
As you may recall, I changed the name of Strike Force Bravo to Strike Force Bareback because "Bravo" sounded kind of homosexual. Then, I learned that "Bareback" is a homosexual term for unprotected anal sex, so I changed it to Strike Force Bottom. Now, I find this in my comments:
LOL - "bottom" is a gay slang term for a gay male who preferentially takes the receptive role in anal intercourse.
Try again...
Todd
Andy notices that six of Our Leader's most faithful congregations need a little encouragement.
And Elaine has a new recruitment poster.
Col. Crooks and Liars attempted to assist our nation's military recruiting efforts by placing a full page ad in the Official Program of the Young Republican National Convention. Unfortunately, the Young Republican leadership felt that such an appeal would, as the kids say, "put a harsh on their buzz."
From their email:
We are sorry but we must regretfully reject this advertisement. We feel that the tone of the message is too negative.
The Young Republicans meet for their national convention July 6-10 at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.
Karl Olson has already launched an op:
I've donated a convention booth to all U.S. military recruiters from all services including the National Guard. Private citizens wishing to assist them (or to urge each Young Republican to Be A Man and Join Up!) should be able to gain access on this basis. Especially if they dress conservatively, bring bake sale-type goodies and act like Wingnuts.
The afternoon of Thursday July 7 will feature a panel discussion with recently returned Iraq and Afghanistan veterans. Focusing on this date would be a very good
idea.
Speaking of baked goods, it's summer festival time. I think every town has one--I never missed a Garland's Wheat and Beet Days while growing up in Utah. I hope you're all doing your part to help are troops by holding Bake Sales for Body Armor at these festivals. If Karl can spring for a both at the YRNC, you can do it at Peach Days. Send the money to the chaplain of a unit about to be deployed and tell him to outfit the soldiers. Bart's latest:
PERVERSE INCENTIVES
A few of the guys I've talked to lately hope that this war goes on and on. Why? Because they do eventually serve their time in the military, and they want to get out and cash in on the big bucks that the security contractors are making. And every indication is that the personal security contractor business here is going to keep growing and growing.
Now, the higher paid "security contractors" generally have to have some skills. The companies prize weapons proficiency and defensive driving skills. The defensive driving skills involve Hollywood stuff, manuevers known as boot-legs, j-turns and high-speed pursuit. So, not everyone is going to get a really high-paying (150 grand a year job). Mainly,ex-special forces, former Marine security guards and others will get the higher-paying jobs. Other guys will guard convoys and less important Iraqi officials. Iraqis like to hire Americans and South Africans, and there is quite a few South Africans here. In fact, the American companies also like to hire the South Africans. The only Iraqis that Iraqis hire for personal protection are members of their family.
Many of the American contractors are looking to establish a residence abroad. That way they can take advantage of a major tax break where they don't have to pay income tax on the first 80 grand of their income. http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc854.html Military and U.S.G. civilian employees don't get to take advantage of this little goody.
A lot of the American companies here (e.g., GE, Bechtel, Raytheon) also have their own security contingents.
Basically, the relentless privatization of the war goes on. I think the big losers will be the U.S. taxpayer, who will pay most of these contracts, and the U.S. military. But you probably already guessed that.
Bart
More things you can use to conduct your own special ops.
Resolution (pdf format) -- I've created a new version of the resolution (see text, below). It's a great piece to hand out to CR's during the convention. It would also look nice on registration tables and posted throughout the Crystal City Metro Stop and in the Marriott's restrooms.
A Resolution for the 56th College Republican Biennial Convention.
WHEREAS, the College Republican membership has always fully supported the war in Iraq;
WHEREAS, we have encouraged the notion that the degree of one's patriotism is directly proportional to their support for the war;
WHEREAS, by word, by deed and by the financial support of Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, and Michelle Malkin, we have decreed that dissent against the war is the equivalent of treason;
WHEREAS, the military continually falls far short of meeting its recruitment needs resulting in a manpower crisis;
NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED THAT:
- The College Republican National Committee shall officially disband until the conclusion of the war;
- The College Republican membership shall immediately volunteer for military service as infantrymen.
- All College Republican National Committee monies raised from taking advantage of elderly women shall be placed into a fund for the purpose of supporting Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, and Michelle Malkin until they receive additional Scaife funding, sell a house to Duke Cunningham's lobbyist, or obtain a presidential grant to edit global warming reports.
Mark tries one more time to get the College Republicans to link to military recruiters.
Crooks and Liars Jr suffers the kind of tragedy only Tom DeLay can heal:
David Gibbs III
Schindler family attorney
Dear Mr. Gibbs,
I have a really big problem and you are the only really cool guy I can turn to. My dog Rusty is the best, friendliest dog in the whole wide world. He loves to run, bark and play Frisbee toss. The other day my Frisbee went wide right and onto the highway. He ran out in front of an Exxon oil truck and I closed my eyes.
My daddy was able to bring him to the hospital. After many hours of waiting, the nurse came out and told me that good old Rusty had a bad headache and though his heart was still beating, I couldn't play with him anymore. My daddy told me that the medical industry are un-believers and have no faith in God and the teaching of our Lord, so they think that his life isn't worth saving.
I want to take him home where I can keep him in my bed and hug him before I go to sleep at night. It doesn't matter if he plays dead all the time. I saw you on TV with that splotchy-faced fellow named O'Reilly. You were really yelling a lot and now I'm afraid that Rusty's soul will burn in hell for all of eternity if they don't save him.
I emailed some website and they told me to say that I heard Rusty bark when the doctor wasn't in the room. He didn't believe me. I told him that his eyes followed my lollipop. I told him that Rusty licked my cheek too. Shhhhh…. (whisper) I really ran into the bathroom and put water on my face. (hehe) I know that was a fib. My mommy called that Randall Terry man too, but she didn't have the money to help him with a down payment on his new house so he hung up on her.
They gave my daddy a telephone number to a Pulitzer Prize (I don't know what that is but I think its good.) nominated veterinarian called Dr. William Hammesfahr, He said he has to wait another twenty-seven days before he gets his license back so can you please help me?
PS: I told the police that the doctor stuck him with needles too. Hehe
My daddy is Colonel Crooks and Liars and he doesn't know I wrote you.
One of the General's readers pointed out that there isn't a good, one stop place to learn everything you need to know about OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT. Hopefully, this post will serve that purpose. Check back often for updates.
The objective of OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT is to recruit College Republicans and Young Republicans to serve as infantry. They demanded this war and now viciously support it. It's only right that they also experience it.
The 56th College Republican National Convention (June 24-26) and the Young Republican National Convention (July 6-10; directions) are the settings for most of the ops.
The General encourages his readers to take the initiative to create materials and to plan and conduct special operations. Please let him know what you've done and he'll try to post it.
Regular readers know that the General is a proud heterosexual, Christian conservative. He is not trying to embarrass the College Republicans. Rather, he believes that by encouraging them to enlist, he is pushing them to be more vocal about the good work their doing to make our homeland safe--things like holding affirmative action bakesales, holding immigrant hunts, almost single-handedly funding Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, and Michelle Malkin, relieving the elderly of the burden of having money, and punching out Joan Jett.
Posts introducing OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT
The first post - The General asks Rep. Mike Pence to ask the CR's to enlist when he speaks at their convention.
The rationale behind OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT
OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT Briefing
Materials
OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT stickers, buttons, tees, etc.
More materials -- A resolution to pass out at the CR convention, a poster that rates a 10 on the manly scale of absolute gender, and a web ad.
"Sign Up or Shut Up" stickers (free download), buttons, tees, etc.
OYE Bingo cards (free download), buttons, tees, etc.
Special Ops
Special Op "First Strike" - Ask the College Republican leadership to pass a resolution disbanding their organization and calling for its membership to enlist.
Special Op "Video Ninja" - Strike Teams will videotape encounters with CRs near their convention.
Mark's op - Mark sends a number of emails to the College Republican National Committee asking them to put links to recruiters on their site. They remain silent.
Special Op "Volunteer" - Taskforce Burnplant contacts CR organizations across the country and asks their members to enlist. This results in a lengthy Exchange with the Gonzaga College CRs.
Special Op "Adbusters" - Col. Crooks and Liars attempted to assist our nation's military recruiting efforts by placing a full page ad in the Official Program of the Young Republican National Convention. Unfortunately, the Young Republican leadership felt that such an appeal would, as the kids say, "put a harsh on their buzz.
Phase II - Karl Olson sprang for recruiting booths at the Young Republican National Convention, and the General proposes that people hold Bake Sales for Body Armor at their community festivals.
Blue Team Special Op "Fax-a-Fascist"
Red Team Special Op "Lucky Strike"
Red Team Special Op "Tikrit Taxi"
OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT Bingo -- Play America's favorite game using the excuses made by College Republicans for avoiding the war.
Special Op: "Army of Jeff" -- Armed with large jars of vasoline, an army of Gannons descend upon the Young Republican National Convention to ply their trade.
Other
Letter to Nathan Taylor, Chair, Young Republicans - I congratulate Mr. Taylor for his organizations tremendous sacrifice. They're sending Chapstick to our troops. I also comment on Taylor's charge that we are going to disrespect veterans by infiltrating the Young Republican convention.
I uncover a sinister plot to destroy our military effectiveness.
Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel
Dear Mr. Ailes,
I hope the OSHA investigation into your gassing of Fox employees with the neurotoxin, diazinon, isn't worrying you. I don't think it'll result in more than a slap on the wrist. You've been unquestioningly loyal to Our Leader, and that's a quality he prizes in his servants more than anything else. One only needs to consider Alberto Gonzales' appointment as Attorney General to see the truth in this. The man went from being consigliere to America's Chekists to becoming the top law enforcement official in the land simply on the basis of loyalty.
That said, all the outrage against Saddam for gassing his own people must certainly cause you some discomfort. You should remember that we didn't care about it until very recently. Heck, shortly after learning about the incident, the Gipper rewarded Saddam with a shipment of TOW missiles and a friendly visit from Donald Rumsfeld. If Saddam can gas thousand of Kurds to death and still get a hug from Sec. Rumsfeld, I'm sure you'll get away with poisoning a few employees.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
From: [Burnplant]
To: cmope@hotmail.com; cassandra@votetaylor.net; pschafer@gonzaga.edu;
ndahlvang@lawschool.gonzaga.edu; taylor98@lycos.com
Cc: yr@spokanegop.org; goarmy@usarec.army.mil
Subject: GOP volunteers
Attention young Republicans!
Military recruitment levels are at an all time low.
The Military needs enlistees to continue to support your President.
Please enlist asap! You are Patriotic, Brave and Republican. You voted, now it's time to back that vote up!
Please visit:
SPOKANE SOUTH
east 2925 b 29th street
spokane, WA 99223
509-535-1871
Your President will be so proud!
From: "Dahlvang, Niclas"
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
Definitely. I await the day we get to round up all those bastard Democrats and send them to the Canadian Gulag.
From: [Burnplant]
Subject: GOP volunteers
Mr. Dahlvang,
I'm sure that would make everyone happy, but right now there is the little matter of bringing democracy to Iraq. Current troop levels are low and recruitment is suffering. Making jokes is funny and all, and we like a good joke, but men and women are dying so let's try and have some respect.
If you are not able to enlist, perhaps you could use your formidable Young Republican operation to help out - please consider the levity of the situation in Iraq and see what you can do.
Thank You
GOP Recruiting
From: "Dahlvang, Niclas"
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
I'm a bit busy at the moment, but when I get some time I'll go round up some of those misguided Kerry supporters for reeducation. They are the greater threat. They bring death and destruction to the United States every day and must be stopped!
From: [Burnplant]
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
Okay, I'm not really following all this, you seem to be talking about something else or to someone else. Maybe you are not a real organization and are just joking around? If that's the case just let us know and we'll remove you from our list of GOP friendly websites - it's kind of a waste of our time, and yours, if you are just having a goof at the expense of our military personnel.
Is the Spokane Young Republican's group for real and able to talk about this or should we scrap the whole thing?
"Paul Schafer"
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
We're real....we have a web site so of course we are real. And our Young Republicans group is the largest in Eastern Washington which is half of the state!
I personally don't see how this "joking around" is at the expense of our military personnel. We support the troops, don't get me wrong. I just don't see how advocating for the forceful removal of democrats from our society would do anything but HELP our military do their jobs more effectively!
From: [Burnplant]
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
Great, that's a large group! Maybe that other person is kidding around, but you sound for real.
Are you interested in signing up yourself? We are meeting with our recruiting contacts on Monday and I would like to pass along your contact information (and anyone else who is interested) to them.
From: "Paul Schafer"
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
Who are you?
From: [Burnplant]
Subject: RE: GOP volunteers
GOP Recruiting is a volunteer group founded in 2002 dedicated to helping the
military bring military recruitment up to sustainable levels.
Terry Josiah
Caucasian
Dear Terry,
I'm sure Oliver Willis is rethinking every liberal thought he's ever had after you so thoroughly destroyed all of his arguments by calling him a "nigger." Certainly, every post he's written is now thoroughly discredited. I can't see how he can continue to work for Media Matters for America after this. All of the stellar work he's done there is no longer as brilliant as it once seemed.
The thing most people don't understand is that although folks like you and me might appear to be nothing more than illiterate, jobless, rednecks, we're still caucasian. It's the only thing we can be proud of considering the wretchedness of our daily lives. Sure, we might be inbred, toothless, backward mule molesters, but, by God, we're white.
Oh, and we're heterosexual too, so that's another thing we can take pride in.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Note: I'm posting early because it's our anniversary today, and I promised Ofjoshua that I'd take her out to buy one of those fancy carpet sweepers.
