Hell Hath No Fury...No Wait, Yes It Does

Chapter Five of the Jivester's sacred text, CHRIST, THE SCREAMING AVENGER! featuring Detective Neptune.

Update: And please help Skippy get a million hits before he goes all Bolton on us.

Behind the Zion Curtain

My inner Frenchman and I recently watched a screener of This Divided State. It's a documentary about a controversial appearance by Michael Moore at Utah Valley State College in Orem, Utah. My inner Frenchman, an affectionado of the documentary genre, loved it. He thought the director, Steven Greenstreet, put together a film as good as anything done by Errol Morris or Michael Moore. His juxtaposition of the Moore and Sean Hannity appearances at UVSC brilliantly contrasted the exclusionary demagoguery of the right with the inclusive rhetoric of the left (not that inclusion is good and exclusion is bad--I'm just passing on what my inner Frenchman said). He also thought that the film perfectly captured what life is like in a theocracy, which Utah, like some parts of the South, most certainly is.

I liked the film too. It's a peek into what our nation's future holds should Dr. Dobson and other Christian reconstructionists be successful in implementing their vision. One of the people appearing in the film, real estate broker Kay Anderson, serves as the perfect specimen of the post-reconstructionist citizen. He decries Moore's scheduled appearance, declaring that when evil is introduced to a community, children cannot help but be influenced. He has a tremendous amount of credibility on this topic, because as he notes a few minutes later in the film, he "grew up in Ely, Nevada, a town that had four whorehouses."

Although to many gentiles (even the Jews are gentiles in the Beehive State) Kay Anderson may appear to be insane, his type is thankfully common in Utah. These are men who picked up their politics at their local Mormon Church, reading and studying the words of Mormon leaders like the late prophet Ezra Taft Benson, a John Birch Society heavyweight who wrote a preface to an edition of the anti-Semitic screed, None Dare Call it Conspiracy and Cleon Skousen, author of backyard bombshelter classic, The Naked Communist . I've seen many men like Anderson rise up against things like anti-incest legislation because it was "anti-family" and the song, "This Land is Your Land, because it's author, Woody Guthrie, was a commie. These men are our nation's future.

To them, as well as myself, liberalism is more than a distasteful ideology. It's an evil against which society must be protected. People like Moore are a threat to our children. Their message of tolerance and fair play is just as dangerous as any biology textbook one might find at a library. That's why it's important that good, Godly men like Anderson step into the breach and defend us against alien ideas.

This Divided State will be available nationwide on DVD on Sept. 27th. Click here for details.

The greater sacrifice

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Captain's Quarters signs on to Operation Yellow Elephant

The General is proud to announce that a fellow conservative has finally lent his support to OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT. Captain's Quarters, a godly, heterosexual, conservative blog began running an advertisement for the operation earlier today. A screen cap appears at right.

Hopefully, this will encourage our fellow conservatives to finally walk their talk and sign up to fight for the war they so desperately wanted and so fervently support. Sadly, we haven't seen any of them step up, yet, although one courageous patriot did expend some energy turning our military's dire manpower needs into a joke. I guess that's a start.

The ad was designed jointly by the General and Corporal Bill from Crooks and Liars. The good corporal also funded it. Please go over there and show him your appreciation.

"Sign up or Shut Up" stickers, tees, mugs, and more

A few of you requested "Sign Up or Shut Up" stickers and tees. Download your free stickers here. They're formatted to print on Avery 5294 round labels.

Tee shirts, mugs, thongs, dog clothes, etc. are available here.

Update: Download a free 8"X10" OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT Bingo card or buy an OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT BINGO tee shirt.

OYE Bingo

PNC Paul from The AWOL Project came up with this, and I helped with the design.

Here's how you play:

Instructions: Take this card to your school’s next College Republicans meeting. Ask the members why they aren’t “fighting for freedom” in Iraq. Mark an “X” in the appropriate box as they each make their excuses. Yell, “Bingo, mission accomplished!” when a line of boxes has been checked.

Update: Download a free 8"X10" OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT Bingo card or buy an OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT BINGO tee shirt.

Special Op: "Army of Jeff"

OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT -- Special Op: "Army of Jeff"

Date/Time: 14:30 ZULU; July 7, 2005

Location: South Seas G, Mandalay Bay Convention Center.
The YRNC 2005 Convention is taking place in the NEW Convention Center located at the far end of the convention complex (near the entrance to the Shark Reef). You will need to take two escalators to the third-floor, turn left and you'll see the YRNC 2005 Registration counter.

Required Equipment: Latex bald head Caps, blank name tags, recruitment brochures, large jars of vasoline.

Personnel: Ten to twenty person strike team.

Preparation: Place bald head cap on head. Write "Jeff Gannon, Journalist" on name tag. Apply name tag to chest.

Description: Strike team will gather at the shark reef at precisely 14:15 and proceed to registration desk. Team members will say the following to the registrars: "I'm Jeff Gannon. I'm here for the Leadership Institute training. Can I pay for it in trade?" Team members will then slam their jars of vasoline down on the table and wink while surreptitiously placing the recruitment brochures on the table. Any deals made from that point on are strictly between each Jeff and his Karl.

Gettin' down

These fine young men are tomorrow's Cheneys, DeLays, and Frists.

Operation Yellow Elephant - Phase 2

Young Republicans National Convention
July 6-10

Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino
3950 Las Vegas Blvd. South
Las Vegas, Nevada 89119

From the Young Republicans National Convention web site:

The YRNC 2005 Convention is taking place in the NEW Convention Center located at the far end of the convention complex (near the entrance to the Shark Reef). You will need to take two escalators to the third-floor, turn left and you'll see the YRNC 2005 Registration counter.

The moistened lips of victory

Nathan Taylor
Chairman, Young Republicans National Committee

Dear Mr. Taylor,

I was shocked by the news that dangerous leftists are planning to infiltrate your convention and attack your veterans exhibit. Kudos to you for discovering their despicable plot. Lesser men might have missed their clues, but not you. You took the initiative and read the details of their plans in the emails they sent you. It's the kind of detective work one expects from great investigators like Norm Coleman and Ed Klein, not from a Young Republicans chair. You've proven yourself to be their peer.

Now it's time for you to twist the knife into their twisted, black, French hearts. Over the last few weeks, many of my fellow patriots have sent you emails asking that you urge your membership to answer their nation's call and join the military. You should post these messages along with those sent by the veteran-hating bastards. Not only would it illustrate the difference between patriots and America-haters, it would also counter claims that you're flat-out lying.

You should also do more to publicize your contributions to the war effort. Unlike your brother organization, the College Republicans, who are doing nothing, you're making a real sacrifice. The nation needs to hear about it. They need to be told how you are risking your lips to the dry summer heat because you're sending your Chapstick to Iraq. Personally, I think your lip balm may even tip the balance in Iraq. The insurgency will crumble once it sees that American technology is so superior that it provides our lips with the means to escape the ravages of the desert sun. It'll thoroughly demoralize them.

Beyond the obvious military advantages of sending Chapstick, it's also a brilliant political move. I'm sure it'll blunt the criticism that you're receiving for refusing to enlist when our military is facing a manpower crisis.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Lazy Susan is the Mack

Chapter 4 of the Jivester's sacred text: “CHRIST, THE SCREAMING AVENGER” starring Detective Neptune.

Chapters 1-3

The Bug Man of Baghdad

Rep. Tom Delay
US House of Representatives

Dear Leader DeLay,

Things have not been going well for you lately. If by some miracle you avoid prison, it's still very unlikely that you'll remain in Congress for much longer. You need to do something bold to turn your fortunes around.

Your desire to serve our nation in combat is well known. It's a shame that you were denied that opportunity during Vietnam because greedy brown people took all of the slots. You're too old to serve now under current rules, but you're the Hammer; you have the power to change that.

I'm not suggesting that you pass legislation to raise the enlistment age to sixty--you wouldn't want all the soldiers calling you pops and dragging you out of firefights. Instead, I think you ought to use your position to create something uniquely tailored to your past life as a pest control man. You could be the Exterminator General for Iraq.

Think about it. There are a lot of nasty critters there. You could drive around from base to base in a special humvee killing vermin. You could even wear your kills on a necklace to show everyone that you're a killing machine. It would be just like Apocalypse Now except with bugs.

The troops would love you for it. They'd gather around to hear your extermination stories and buy you beer. It would be great for morale and you'd be making a personal contribution to a war that you've so enthusiastically sent so many of our children to fight.

Voters will have forgotten about your current problems by the time you return. They'll think of you as a hero, the Bug Man of Baghdad. You'll be back in charge of Congress in no time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Just suppose...

Craig Fields
Gun Owners of America

Dear Mr. Fields,

The following few paragraphs from your latest e-mail alert scared the living hell out of me:

Let's assume that you and your family are on your way home from church. You have a gun in the glove compartment that is there for self-protection.

After driving within 1,000 feet of a school (which is almost unavoidable), you stop by the grocery store to pick up a few items for lunch.

As you are exiting your car, you are approached by a gang of teenagers, armed with long screwdrivers and wrenches. Realizing that you are about to be mugged, you brandish your firearm in order to scare them off -- although this act on your part is a violation of state law which requires that you first retreat, rather than defend
yourself.

It's a common scenario. I've thought about it many times. Which perps would I take out first: the ones with the long screwdrivers or those wielding wrenches? Would my Glock give me enough firepower, or should I carry my Bushmaster assault rife tucked away behind my kids safety seat? Do we need to legalize hand grenades for situations like this?

Here's another scenario I've thought a lot about. I'm driving back from a Promisekeepers rally in Portland. I stop at an isolated town to get some gas and pork rinds. Soon, I notice that people are starting to gather around me. They're wearing hoods and pentagrams. Obviously, I've stopped in one of those Satanist towns that were so often the settings for "movies of the week" in the seventies. What would I do?

In a free society, I'd be able to call a friend and have him drop a load of "snake and nape" on the evil bastards. Unfortunately, I live in a nation where good men are denied their God-given right to keep and bear armed close support aircraft. We need to do something about that.

Feel free to use my scenario in future mailings.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Report from Baghdad

Reader Bart's latest letter from Baghdad:

Embassy Without An Ambassador

Within the Green Zone, the U.S. Embassy is about a mile from the Republican Palace. The previous Ambassador, Negroponte, almost never went to the Embassy. He stayed in the Republcan Palace, where the military and all the other Federal Agencies are. Apparently, there are only a few employees in the actual Embassy. Negroponte wanted to be where the action is and also keep an eye on everybody at the Palace, thereby leading to the ridiculous situation of an Embassy without an Ambassador. Will the new Ambassador move to the Embassy? Fat chance of that.

They're building a new Embassy cafeteria. But it's next to the Republican palace, over a mile from the Embassy. And the Republican Palace contains the main DFAC, where everybody eats, just 100 yards from the construction site of the new cafeteria.

Meanwhile, a certain merry band of adventurers here, who shall remain nameless, purchased several Black H-2 Hummers (H-2 = the civilian version) and armored them. The armor hasn't worked very well, as apparently a couple of them were shot up as they were driving outside the Green Zone. So they don't take them outside the Zone anymore. But because the Black H-2 is rather distinctive, everybody knows who's behind the wheel when one of the H-2's goes by. So these H-2's are the most well-known commuter vehicles in the Green Zone. That's not exactly what this merry band of adventurers desired.

Excuse me while I flip through various passages of my well-worn copy of Catch-22.

Bart

A sinister plot

The Four Horsemen
Spokane Young Republicans

Dear Horsemen,

I think I may have stumbled across a sinister plot to destroy our nation's military effectiveness. It seems that nearly every time I ask a College Republican, a Protest Warrior, or a Young Republican to step up and volunteer to serve in Iraq, I'm told that they can't because they have an injury. Take the fine young Protest Warriors from Pass the Ammo for example. Three of the four have back or shoulder injuries that prevent them from serving. Chad's case is particularly sad. Apparently, he can only run in slow motion while shooting his AR-15.

I'm beginning to think that the French are surreptitiously injuring the backs of service age patriots throughout the country. They're probably using soccer to accomplish this. It's a very seditious, euro-centric game. The communists imported it after they grew tired of waiting for fluoridated water to weaken us. I'm working very hard to have soccer added to the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution's list of things we must destroy.

I need more data to do this. Could you tell me why you remain at home, eating Cheetos in your mother's basements while other's fight the war you so whole-heartedly demanded? Have you injured your backs playing soccer? Do you drink an inordinate amount of fluoridated water?

Please respond soon. We need to get to the bottom of this.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Sour grapes at the CRNC

Paul "The Fixer" Gourley's election as College Republican Chair made a lot of our littlest patriots cranky. Here's a sampling of their reactions:

From Save the GOP:

[Congratulations t]o Paul Gourley, Britton Alexander, Annie Kelly, and all the rest of you on your victory. You have proven that corruption, bribery, blackmail, and outright fraud can win an election.

CNRC Chatter:

GOURLEY WINS, EMPLOYS FRAUD

On Point:

Yes folks... leadership at its finest. To quote a Star Wars parody I just saw, "Warned you we did. Listen you did not. Now screwed we all are."

Joe Sylvester:

It is important to note that neither candidate ran a completely virtuous campaign. Gourleys campaign forged a delegate letter, and Davidson worked in conjunction with other parties to remove Ryan Cassin.

Did Mr. Gourley steal the election? Only a fool would would bet against it. After all, he teaches election theft at the Leadership Institute.

They take careful notes as instructor Paul Gourley teaches them how to rig a campus mock election.

[...]

"Can anyone tell me," asks Gourley, a veteran mock electioneer, "why you don't want the polling place in the cafeteria?"

Stephen, a shy antiabortion activist sitting toward the rear of the class, raises his hand: "Because you want to suppress the vote?"

"Stephen has the right answer!" Gourley exclaims, tossing Stephen his prize, a copy of Robert Bork's "Slouching Toward Gomorrah."

I think it's time for these disloyal America-haters to shut up and accept their thrashing. Sure, Gourley cheated, but that's what we do as Republicans. It's how we won the White House in 2000 and kept it in 2004. It's our way.

Charles Colson says it best in Save the GOP's comments:

Hey all you losers who don'?t like Gourley let me clue you in. We are Republicans, we play hardball, sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do to win. People have made a lot sacrifices to get this party where where we are today. We stand on their shoulders. Guys like Don Segretti who went to prison in 1974 for ratfucking Democrats. You know what he did? Among other things he faked a press release on MuskieÂ?s letterhead saying Scoop Jackson had a kid with a 17 year old girl. You think it was easmaneuveringng the Dems to nominate McGovern in 1972? Hell no! What exactly do you think Watergate was all about?

Guys like Jim Tobin who might take the rap for jamming NH Dem party phonelines on election day in 2002. Without him Sununu would be twiddlin his thumbs and we might not hold the Senate today!

If you guys think youÂ?re getting to the White House without guys willing to go to the Big House and keep their big mouths shut youÂ?re sadly mistaken.

So either get with the program or take your pansyass ideals to some other party. You pukes make me sick.

[...]

Look at Dem advantages among minorities. WeÂ?re never gonna overcome that because our base depends on us to keep those minorities in their place. And those minority populations are growing like rabbits. It's what the whole "?Southern Strategy"? is about. Do you think Nixon would have been elected twice without appealing to racism? Law and Order president meant putting down riots with force. Think Reagan would have gotten elected without making up the story about welfare queens who drive Cadillacs? Why do you think he got Reagan Democrats to vote for him? It wasn't because Joe Sixpack thought a $200 taxcut was such a great deal, it was because Reagan didnÂ?t like black folks any better than Joe did. So cÂ?mon give the ethics crap a break.

Without Ken Blackwell suppressing the minority vote in OH last year and Katherine Harris and Jeb himself doing yeoman dirty work in FL in 2000 Dubya would still be in Austin.

You only get so many chances in this business kid. Ya gotta pull out all the stops when the opportunity presents itself. You gotta know who your friends and your enemies are. And for your friends you gotta be willing to do whatever it takes to fuck your enemies even if it means going to jail. I did and for Nixon IÂ?d do it again.

Nordy hunts alone

As much as it pains me to decorate a Frenchman, I'm awarding Nordy the Heterosexual Cross with Brass Cojones Clusters and a Crossed Spatula Device for valor. His courageous actions in OPERATION YELLOW ELEPHANT deserve nothing less.

The business vocabulary of Red America

Mack Calhoun
District B Police Juror [county commissioner]
Ouachita Parish, LA

Dear Mr. Calhoun,

Have you seen J.O. Antley's letter in the News Star:

In reference to Mack Calhoun's statement, where he used the word "jew'' in discussing the purchase price of an item, I have waited for people in his district to come out in his defense. I have known Calhoun for many years. I know he is a fine Christian man. He would never do or say anything to offend anyone.

The word "jew'' in negotiation prices has been used in our family since I can remember. It is hard for me not to say it in normal conversation. The full definition of "jew'' from the dictionary is as follows: 1. To persuade to take a low price by haggling: with down. 2. To get a better of a bargain.

We need more public servants like Calhoun to stand up for what is right.

J.O. Antley

West Monroe

I couldn't agree more. There's nothing wrong with using the word "jew" as a verb. Still, there will be those who will try to make political hay with it. Just tell them you were drunk. Calhoun is an Irish name isn't it?

I wouldn't worry too much about Linda Holyfield's concerns either. Maybe your comments will turn off some potential investors, but they will certainly also encourage others. If I were you, I'd use the controversy to recruit a few confederate flag makers, a couple of Pat Buchanan's enterprises, and maybe Jim Baker's law firm. I'm sure you could make them feel right at home.

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader perlstein (French derivation, obviously).

Transferable skills

Paul Gourley
Chairman Elect, College Republican National Committee

Dear Mr. Gourley,

Congratulations on your victory. It was a hard fought and very brutal campaign, but you came out on top. Now, you must follow the example set by your greatest predecessors, Karl Rove and Lee Atwater, and quickly crush those who opposed you. All it takes is one anonymous phone call to the FBI, or a friendly chat with Scooter Libby, and these pseudo-Republican fifth columnists will be eating lemon chicken at Gitmo while guards use their ears as ashtrays and their rectums as storage lockers.

I expect great things from you. Your reputation for squeezing every last penny out of senile seniors' bank accounts is now legendary. I have faith that you'll be just as successful in your new role.

Did you hear Tony Perkin's speech at the convention on Friday? He compared the work you're doing protecting America here at home with the fighting in which our soldiers are engaged in Iraq. That's most certainly true. Taking a punch at Joan Jett or exposing communists in academia advances the cause of freedom just as much as the summary execution of a wounded Iraqi in a Fallujah mosque.

But you could do so much more. I'm not asking you to enlist--I've finally realized that's not going to happen; you could get hurt. Instead, I think you need to take the skills you used in fundraising and apply them to helping out our troops in Iraq.

Take your flag pin gimmick for instance. Remember it? You asked elderly Americans "to send $1,000 together with an American flag pin for President Bush to wear to 'Republican Headquarters' to ensure that Bush knows 'there are millions who are giving him the shield of God to protect him in the difficult days ahead.'" From what I understand, it was a great success.

You could do the same thing for our troops by asking seniors to send you a lucky rabbit's foot and $1,000 so that you can send the charm to our soldiers to provide them with protection until their friends and family raise enough money to buy them body armor. Or better yet, what about a caribou foot? Are they lucky? They might be easier to get once we start drilling in the ANWR.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: I congratulate the College Republicans for making such a wise choice.