Satanic Treason

Last night, the General stood in line at his local purveyor of heretical literature to buy the latest Harry Potter book. I thought I should read that satanic text so that I could better understand our enemy.

Unfortunately, I was denied an opportunity to begin my studies last night. Upon our arrival home, a demon possessed Ofjoshua causing her to wrest the book from my hands and lock me out of our command trailer. I was forced to take refuge in the little bunker I've created in our crawl space.

Our second copy of this demonic screed arrived moments ago via Amazon. I just finished reading the first page. It made me angrier than I've been since the day Ofjoshua bore her testimony in church, telling the congregation of the hardship that comes from being married to a man cursed with the tiniest of little soldiers.

A British Prime Minister, who was obviously based on Tony Blair, was the protagonist in that initial page. He was waiting for a telephone call from Our Leader, the President of the United States, a man he described as "wretched." I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this. After all, it is written in what is probably the most evil book to have ever been published in all of man's history.

Still, I'm so angry that every few minutes, I'm overcome with a furious rage that causes me to sit up in my bunker and bang my head on the sewer line that runs beneath our command trailer.

Our Leader must retaliate. He needs to show the British that he will not stand for their insolence. I think it's time that he betray the identities of every agent in MI6.

Update for those who read it: I'm guessing that R.A.B. = Regulus Alphard? Black.

Little Green Geniuses

A patriot from Little Green Footballs makes the following prediction while commenting on this post at Crooks and Liars.

[D]on't be surprised when wilson comes out of the building in cuffs with his jacket pulled over his head. you won't be able to convincingly feign disinterest.

This is why I love the LGF'ers. Unlike the French, they aren't constrained by facts and reality.

Bro. Rove, Bro. DeLay, and Bro. Geoffrey D. Miller

More about Bro. Miller.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

The General ♥ Janice from Wisconsin

Thanks Janice. I thought Howard Zinn's Voices of a People's History of the United States might be written in French. Thank God, I was wrong.

Seriously, thank you. My inner Frenchman loves it.

FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH WHAT DREAMS MAY COME!

Chapters Six and Seven of the Jivester's classic, DETECTIVE NEPTUNE IN "CHRIST, THE SCREAMING AVENGER"

Action Alert

Emailed to 133 delegates to the 2004 Republican Convention.

Hillary tries to emasculate the President!

Dear Fellow Republican,

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton and a mob of Senate Democrats came very close to emasculating our Commander in Chief when they attempted to take away one of his most powerful governing tools--the ability to destroy critics by betraying intelligence agents and leaking classified information.

Although Senate Republicans were able to defeat the Democratic amendment, a provision that would have revoked security clearances for those who betray secrets, Hillary and her treacherous colleagues are sure to try it again. Next time, they may be successful.

That's why we need you to contact your Senator and tell him or her that you support the Administration's right to leak classified intelligence information. Please copy the text below and send it in an email to your Senator, today.

Dear Senator,

I support the Administration's right to destroy its critics by betraying intelligence agents and leaking classified national security information. Please continue to oppose the Senate Democrats' attempts to revoke the security clearances of those who leak classified material.

Thank you,

[Your name here]

It's up to you to retain this important presidential prerogative. Please send your Senator an email today.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Newspaper tries to marginalize the General

Once again, the media is trying to marginalize my important conservative message by calling it satire.

From the Austin American-Statesman:

The group has also been infiltrated by imposters. Responding to an e-mail soliciting new operations for the Spokane, Wash., area ProtestWarrior chapter, a satiric blogger known as Gen. JC Christian wrote, "When I look at our membership, I see a lot of able-bodied men and women of military age. I say we hold a rally at the recruiting station. Then, after a few speeches, we all go in and sign up. Heck, we can always fight the liberals later. It's time to take the Protest Warrior flag to Iraq."

After the chapter's administrator discovered the general's own blog, in which he pokes fun at the president's policies with such characters as "Republican Jesus," he was excommunicated.

Here's what they're referring to.

Via Lafayette, Amanda and her chi-com panda, and TV France.

Yellow spatulas

Rev. Mykeru has a run in with the man who wields the Terrible Spatula of Redemption.

WWKD

Nathan Taylor
Chair, 2005 Young Republican National Convention

Steve Damion
New Jersey College Republicans

Dear Mr. Taylor and Mr. Damion,

It looks like the enemies of all that is good and decent are out to destroy you. Articles and blogposts published today suggest that both of you are involved in financial controversies relating to your stewardship of state and national College Republican and Young Republican funds.

Kos, a man as French as the Pope, links to a series of emails exchanged between you (Mr. Damion) and various New Jersey Republican politicos. These emails culminate in your resignation as the NJCR president after allegations of embezzlement and extortion are made against you.

Mr. Taylor faces similar problems. An article published Wednesday in the Las Vegas Sun quotes Taylor as saying that the recent Young Republican National Convention you chaired may be as much as $25,000 in the red. The article also notes that members of the Nevada Young Republicans had earlier asked the Reno Police Department to investigate what had become of convention funds matching that exact amount, but withdrew their request after being contacted by the national organization.

I think it's time for you to get tough. Look to our national party leaders for guidance. First, ask yourself, "What would Karl do?"

Your enemies are numerous. Surely, one or two of them have relatives who are covert intelligence agents. Betray them now. Your future is more important than any national security concern. It'll make the others think twice before they speak out against you.

Second, ask yourself, "What would Tom DeLay do?" The answer, of course, is that he'd turn the lingering death of another human being into a political opportunity.

Scour your local hospitals. Find a grieving family saying their final goodbyes to a loved one. Then, step in and turn those final moments into a political circus. Like the Majority Leader, you'll be rewarded with a base of god-fearing Republicans who'll do anything they can to defend you.

Finally, ask yourself, "What would College Republican National Committee Chair Paul Gourley do?" You know the answer to that. He'd hound every ninetyish year old Republican he could find with fundraising letters asking them to show their faith in Our Leader by giving him money. He raised millions that way. You could replace your missing thousands in no time.

Well, I've shown you the way. All you need to do is make it happen.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to readers Pat, John, Jo, KP (are you one of my former professors) and Janice.

Crossposted to Operation Yellow Elephant

My latest Amazon review is up

Ben Shapiro's latest book, Porn Generation : How Social Liberalism is Corrupting our Future, is a big disappointment.

Ben addresses only a small part of the problem.,

Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States)

I tend to agree with Ben and blame popular culture for much of our childrens' general randiness. I'll admit that I find TV shows like Hee Haw and Bass Masters to be very arousing, but then again, the sight of a bull and a cow doing it live gets me very excited as well. That's where I think Ben is wrong.

We can be tempted by anything from professional wrestling to a dog having his way with our leg or the inviting lustiness of a warm watermelon. Perhaps Ben understands this, but is reluctant to talk about these other factors. It might undercut his claims of virginity. By limiting the cause to only popular culture, he addresses only a small portion of the problem.

Pitches

Mr and Mrs. Jason Apuzzo
Hollywood Patriots

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Apuzzo,

Mrs. Apuzzo's guest column in the LA Times made me very angry. It doesn't surprise me that Hollywood liberals are rejecting scripts written by god-fearing patriots like yourself, but one has to wonder why we haven't fought back by creating our own filmmaking infrastructure. Certainly, the Jack Abramoff produced film, Red Scorpion, proves that conservative propaganda films can be successful.

Financing shouldn't be a problem. There are millions of patriots out there who'd be very willing to kick in a few bucks if asked. A few blogathons at the Free Republic, Powerline, and Little Green Footballs should take care of it--a mention that you're current script takes on Islamo-fascism should guarantee millions from LGF, alone.

You should also ask the newly elected College Republican Chair, Paul Gourley, for fundraising advice. He raised more than 17 million as treasurer for the CRs during the last election cycle by very aggressively targeting patriots in the 80-100 years old age bracket. Certainly, his advice could prove very helpful to you.

Like I said, financing is the easy part. Picking the right film is much more difficult. While I agree that we need to see more Islamic villains on the big screen, I'm not sure your "realities of Islamo-fascism" script is the best way to go.

A large number of our leaders are in trouble right now. Perhaps we should create films that will provide them with a little help. Here are a few pitches for films that would do just that.

National Security -- A top White House aide teams up with a columnist to defend the president's honor by exposing a CIA agent and a CIA front company. Think All the President's Men with the President's men being the good guys. I see Jeff Gannon as Karl Rove and Shelly Winters as Bob Novak. Mrs. Apuzzo could play the positive immigrant maid who lets Mr. Rove's late night visitors into the White House.

Duke Cunningham, Capitalist Tool -- Rep. Duke Cunnigham rubs a flag and a lobbyist/genie appears, granting him the power to make ridiculously lucrative real estate deals. Duke uses this power to enrich himself through a series of house and boat deals and becomes a star on the conservative speakers circuit giving presentations about the rewards of hard work. Think I Dream of Jeanie crossed with Wall Street. I see Ernest Borgnine playing Duke and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid who sweeps up all the cash that falls out of visiting lobbyists' pockets.

They Fight Alone -- The untold story of the brave men who proudly wear the Cheeto-stained briefs of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders. In cold, damp basements across our nation, these courageous young men endure their mothers' nagging while fighting Islamo-fascism by flinging accusations of treason against Democrats. Think The Green Berets mixed with Beavis and Butthead. I see Cory Feldman as Ben Shapiro and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid Ben's mother hires to hose him down once a week.

The Passion of the Hammer -- The House Majority Leader is subjected to Gitmo interrogation techniques and then crucified by an activist judge who refuses to acknowledge the vital role that graft plays in a democratic society. Think The Passion of the Christ meets The Godfather. I see Randall Terry making his acting debut as Rep. DeLay and Mrs. Apuzzo playing the positive immigrant maid who the Majority Leader receives as a gift from a contributor in Saipan.

Triumph of the Will II -- A documentary about Our Leader's next speech to the National Religious Broadcasters' Convention. Think the original Triumph of the Will except in English. Mrs. Apuzzo, working as a positive immigrantesqe maid cleaning up at the convention, will be derided from the podium for working outside of the home.

Well, that's a start. Please don't hesitate to write me if you need more help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Coming to a theater near some of you

This Divided State, a film that both me and my Inner Frenchman loved, is finally being shown in theaters. A preliminary schedule can be found here. Please check back often for updates.

This movie deserves to be seen by a wider audience. Please do what you can to support it.

Greetings from the White House

The General is feeling a bit under the weather today, and is not up to posting. Instead, I've enclosed a copy of a little thank you note I asked Our Leader to send to Karl and Scooter.

The list

Matthew Brooks
Executive Director, Republican Jewish Coalition

Dear Mr. Brooks,

I want to thank you for defending Fred Malek against charges of anti-Semitism. Sure, he created a list of Jews who worked at the Bureau of Labor Statistics because his boss, President Nixon, was worried that a cabal of Jews were manipulating the Bureau's statistics. That doesn't necessarily make him an anti-Semite. Heck, the fact that a couple of the people on the list were immediately demoted proves that such a cabal existed, and therefore, Mr. Malek should be praised rather than vilified.

Conservatives are far too often charged with being anti-Semitic. America's enemies, both foreign and domestic, take little things like James Baker's "Fuck the Jews" remark and Mr. Malek's mini-pogrom and turn them into major controversies. They don't understand that we really love the Jews. That's why we're working so hard to lay the groundwork for turning Eretz Yisrael into a Christian nation. We love you too much to allow you to continue living in idolatry.

Of course, there are many who believe that even this is anti-Semitic. I suspect that a Jewish cabal is behind such propaganda. Perhaps you should ask Mr. Malek to look into it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Phase 3: Getting Serious

At the Operation Yellow Elephant blog:

• I unveil Phase 3;
• Jamato shares a hilarious video from the Young Republican Convention;
• and Russ posts some more of his great graphics.

Faith-based manufacturing

Neal Wade
Alabama Development Office

Dear Mr. Wade,

Have you read what Toyota President Katsuaki Watanabe said recently while visiting the French in Ontario? Here it is in case you missed it:

[Watanabe] said Nissan and Honda have encountered difficulties getting new plants up to full production in recent years in Mississippi and Alabama due to an untrained - and often illiterate - workforce. In Alabama, trainers had to use "pictorials" to teach some illiterate workers how to use high-tech plant equipment.

We have to do something about that. No, I'm not saying that we should raise taxes to fund public schools--I hate communism. Homeschooling and Christian schools are giving our children a fine Christ-based education. We don't need any fancy ciphering or reading knowledge beyond what's required to read the Bible and neither does Toyota. We just need to educate a few CEOs.

Perhaps the Alabama Development Office could pilot a demonstration Intelligent Design automobile manufacturing plant. Just bring in a few raw materials, say a prayer, and wait for God to put it all together.

Please consider it. By investing now in faith-based manufacturing, Alabama could become the leader in implementing modern conservative values.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Mark Twang

On the new OYE blog

Radical Russ of Radical Writ has a couple of great posts and a fantastic new animated OYE logo up at the new Operation Yellow Elephant Blog.