The first talking point

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Seattle area readers...

This Divided State will be shown at the Grand Illusion Theater in the University District from August 19 through the 25th. What do you think about getting together to watch it on the 19th or 20th? We could then go out for drinks or something, afterward.

I don't know if I'll admit which one of us is me--it all depends on how comfortable I am at the time, but it might be fun just to get a bunch of readers together in any event.

Post a note in the comments if you're interested. If anyone is familiar with the area around the theater, perhaps you could suggest a place for us all to meet before going to see the film. Suggestions for the after the show event are welcome as well.

New Rove talking points

Sent to 133 delegates to the 2004 Republican National Convention

Dear fellow Patriot,

Today, the ultra-liberal Wall Street Journal will publish an article revealing that the State Department document from which Karl Rove learned of Valerie Plame's covert status was marked Top Secret/No Foreign. That means that it could only be viewed by people with a Top Secret clearance and could not be shared with foreign nationals. In other words, the information was so secret it couldn't be shared with friendly foreign intelligence agencies and heads of state, not even Tony Blair.*

This news comes on the heels of a Bloomberg News report that Karl Rove and Lewis "Scooter" Libby lied to the grand jury looking into the betrayal of CIA agent, Valerie Plame. The story will suggest that inasmuch as they told the same story to the grand jury, they are subject to being charged with conspiracy in addition to perjury and any number of national security violations.

These two new revelations make our previous talking points inoperative. That's unfortunate because I think we were getting a lot of mileage out of the 'Rove never actually spoke Plame's name; he only identified her as 'Wilson's wife'" talking point.

It's done. There's nothing to be gained from dwelling on the loss of such gems. We just need to hit the airwaves and the letters sections of our local newspapers with a new set of talking points. That's why I've created the following points for your use.

Rove/Libby Talking Points for Republican Activists

Rove and Libby did not betray top secret information to foreigners. They betrayed it to American reporters.

Betraying Top Secret information for political purposes is one of the most patriotic things an American citizen can do.

There were too many "non-official cover" agents working on weapons of mass destruction intelligence at the CIA. By betraying Plame, Rove and Libby forced the Agency to become leaner and meaner.

If a great American like Orrin Hatch can betray top secret information, so can Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

Rove and Libby are good men. They once joined Supreme Court Nominee John G. Roberts in locating a missing white woman.

There is no truth to the rumor that Mr. Rove then ordered a "work up" on the woman to discover her vulnerabilities.

Joe Wilson, on the other hand, has never mentioned the problem of missing white women in any of his interviews.

The 75% of all Americans and the 71% of all Republicans who think that Rove should be fired if he leaked classified information are partisan Democrat hacks. If we have any Top Secret/No Foriegn classified information about them or their spouses, we should use it to destroy them.

The fact that the Administration prosecuted ex-DIA agent Jonathan Randel for leaking information classified at a lower level than Top Secret/No Foriegn, does not mean that Rove and Libby should receive similar treatment. Randel leaked information about a money launderer who was allied with the Administration. Libby and Rove betrayed a CIA agent for honorable reasons--her husband committed a treacherous act, he had embarrassed Our Leader.

With today's news, it's important that we start using these talking points immediately. Please write your local newspapers, call your local talk radio stations, and offer interviews to any reporters you know. Rove, Libby, and Our Leader need your help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

* There seems to be an exception for Saudi princes. It must be one of the perks of royalty.

"Saturday, Jan. 11, with the president's permission, Cheney and Rumsfeld call Bandar to Cheney's West Wing office, and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Myers, is there with a top-secret map of the war plan. And it says, 'Top secret. No foreign.' No foreign means no foreigners are supposed to see this," says Woodward.

The coalition of the willing

Sure, this television ad depicts the sodomite lifestyle, but it also celebrates Our Leader's enlightened foreign policy.

My new command vehicle

Conformity...

Agitprop has a couple of great motivational posters up at Operation Yellow Elephant (and one more at his site).

The Helpful Hebrews of Hollow Earth

Rodney Cluff
Author and Explorer

Dear Elder Cluff,

Some of the most cherished memories of my Mormon childhood are the hours our family spent wondering how long it would be before the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel emerged from their homes inside our hollow Earth. That's why I've so eagerly awaited the return of your expedition to locate this inner Eden's entrance at the North Pole.

You've been back three days now. Did you find anything? Did you make contact with King David, "the Great High Priest over all the land of Inner Earth?" Were you able to set up a reliable means of communication with the Hollow Earth people?

I ask this because our nation faces a grave threat. We are in a life and death struggle with modern-day Gadianton Robbers who are bent on destroying us because they hate our freedom.

They are a very crafty enemy. They lured us into invading their country at a time when our most ardent patriots were too busy attending school and pursuing careers to join in the fight. Now, our military is suffering from a manpower crisis.

We need King David's help. He can fill the ranks of our military with the sons of tribes of Israel, thus negating the need for our own God-fearing, patriotic children to take a break from college and careers. Imagine if you will what a brigade of warriors from the Tribe of Zebulon could accomplish in the Sunni Triangle. They are some mean mothers. The war would be over in a week.

Please give King David a call and ask him if he's willing to help. We need an answer right away.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Battle Hymn of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders

Admiral Jeff from Blogday Afternoon (Attica! Attica!) left this little ditty in my comments.

The Battle Hymn of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders
(Sung to the tune of the Marine Corps Hymn)

'tween the walls of mommy's basement
On the floors our spunk has stained
We fight our fights through proxy
With a mouse, keyboard, and brain
First to call for wars of freedom
Policies that kill the poor
We'll do the least that we can do
And fight with our keyboard.

Our George was safe - he made the Guard
And Rush had a sore ass;
Deferments saved Dick's butt five times
But not the working class;
In the dorms of far-off college quads
A light year from the war
You will find us cursin' Democrats
One Hundred-One Keyboards.

There's beer for us and guns for them
And each one has a role;
We're many so glib, we'll flame a Lib,
As warfare takes its toll;
If the Army and the Navy
Are understaffed in war;
Go find another place to turn
We're the One Oh One Keyboards.

Crossposted to Operation Yellow Elephant Blog.

Power outage

We just had another brief power outage at the old compound. It's been happening a lot lately. I wonder if the ten gazillion dollar contract Bonneville Power gave Haliburton to upgrade the grid has anything to do with it. "Haliburton: bringing everything we learned in Iraq home to serve you better."

Of course, I was just about to hit the publish button when it happened. My post is gone and it's too late to recreate it.

[Removed:

angry, bitter tirade about

• Air America
• Sirius satellite radio
• Sirius TalkLeft
• Clear Channel Communications
• XM satellite radio
• neutered Frenchman Alan Colmes,
• idiotic Limbaugh and Democrat impersonator Ed Shultz
  

and speculation that Michelangelo Signorille may not be 100 percent heterosexual.]

The Jivester's latest hymn

NAKED CHRISTIANS FLYING UP

Hurry Rapture
Come to daddy
Come to save America
Praises be to our sky daddy
He’s the bomb that’s on the bus

Millions waiting
For the Rapture
Maxing out their credit cards
Getting ready for a slaughter
God’s a killer you can trust

Armageddon
Final conflict
Turn the living to the dead
Mark it on your calendar
Naked Christians flying up

(chorus)
Naked Christians go to heaven
You can see it in their smiles
Naked Christians into heaven
Clothing left behind in piles
Naked Christians flying up
Up above the world so high
If you’re modest, you’re in trouble
Grab your nethers when you fly

Read the rest

Real men don't sing like girls

Kerry Taylor
President, Texas Music Educators Assn.

Dear Mr. Taylor,

Mikhael Rawls--the son of a man who should be severely beaten for bestowing such a French name upon the fruit of his loins--may be angry with you now, but he'll certainly thank you in the future. By refusing to allow him to perform as a countertenor, you've spared him the hell of experiencing a life destroyed by gender confusion. He's now free to grow up to do the things real men do, things like growing a mullett, spitting tobacco, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, watching NASCAR, and punching other men in the shoulder.

Hopefully, your rules about proper gender roles in music extend beyond song. No American boy should be allowed to play such a dainty and highly-pitched instrument as a piccolo. Come to think of it, no girl should be aloud to play it either--a ladies lips should not be placed so closely to a long cylindrical object.

I guess we can rule out the clarinet for the same reason. That goes double for boys. They shouldn't be putting their mouths on clarinets and blowing until the evil thing squeals. It's damned unnatural.

Heck, it's all the woodwinds if you think about it, even the bassoon. Sure, it has a deep sound, but still, you end up with young men fingering a big old tubular thing. Brass, with the exception of the french horn, would be alright for boys, but not girls because of the spit. Percussion, again, is for boys with the exception of the xylophone family. They're definitely female instruments, although, I suppose a marimba could be an acceptable instrument for a boy if he played it with a claw hammer.

There's a lot more to this whole gender-based music thing that I thought. Thank God we have men like you around to straighten it out.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader DancingBare

A call to war

An evil is descending on our land. The Rude Pundit has created a live show so French, the reek of elderberries is inescapable. The Rude Pundit in The Year of Living Rudely will make its premiere at the New York International Fringe Festival on Friday, August 12 and run through Friday, August 26. Click here for more details.

As Christ's personal warriors, it's important that we be there to record this latter-day Toulouse-Lautrec's outbursts of rudeness, so that we can report his filthy ramblings to the Red Guard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural revolution.

It's your duty. Don't disappoint our Lord.

For my more anal readers

Exceptions are the possessives of ancient proper names in -es and -is [such as Achilles' and Isis'], the possessive Jesus', and such forms as for conscience' sake, for righteousness' sake.

--Strunk and White, The Elements of Style

A little campaign advice

Ohio State Rep. Jean Schmidt
Candidate, US House of Representatives (OH-02)

Dear Rep. Schmidt,

The August 2nd special election is almost upon us, and I'm worried that you're losing momentum. Coingate has taken a toll on the state Republican party as a whole. Most Ohioans just aren't economically sophisticated enough to understand that our political leaders deserve gratuities for steering state monies into the lucrative rare coin and collectibles market. They also have a difficult time understanding that your acceptance of gifts from the drug company, Chiron Inc, was nothing more than an expression of your commitment to being "business friendly".

On the other hand, it's very easy for the average voter to be impressed by your opponent's biography. After all, on the same day you were being wined and dined by Chiron, your challenger, Major Paul Hackett, was dodging bullets in Fallujah. This gives him quite an advantage in the election--serving in combat is just a lot more sexy than serving a pharmaceutical company's stockholders.

You need to do something to offset this imbalance in your respective national service credentials. I suggest that you immediately release a television ad defending Our Leader's right to betray the identities of intelligence agents in the pursuit of political objectives. By doing so, you'll be joining our nation's greatest Republican politicians and commentators, people like Rush Limbaugh, John Gibson, and Sen. Norm Coleman, in defending this important presidential prerogative. More importantly, it'll provide you with another opportunity to identify yourself with Our Leader, a man whose almost stratospheric 42% approval rating would certainly provide your campaign with a needed boost.

Please give my idea your immediate consideration. I'd be very happy to help you write the spot.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Not enough OJ

My Amazon review of Mark Fuhrman of Silent Witness : The Untold Story of Terri Schiavo's Death is finally up.

So many unopened doors, July 18, 2005

Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I bought this book hoping it would shed some light on the possibility of OJ Simpson's involvement in Mrs. Schiavo's death. Unfortunately, Mr. Fuhrman failed to discuss it. He also missed these important aspects of the case:

- Schiavo lost the will to live after Howard Dean described her as being a white woman.

- Hillary Klinton beat Vince Foster to death with Terri's comatose body.

- Jimmy Carter ordered Schiavo to be silenced because she knew about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez' plan to destroy Galveston Texas with his fleet of Vorgon battle cruisers.

- Zell Miller's bite was meant to heal not to kill.

- Phone calls originating from a Fox News studio fueled Schiavo's secret love for Bill O'Reilly.

- Jeff Gannon performed a medical examination on Schiavo and determined that she could be saved if the ANWR was opened up for oil exploration.

Sound science

Bobby Harrison's letter to the Kansas State School Board raises interesting questions:

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

It's unfortunate that Mr. Harrison buries this important scientific knowledge in a letter that so clearly violates our Lord's First Commandment. Harrison writes:

We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe.

[...]

What these people donÂ?t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage.

Heartland values

From the Sunshine State:

Ronnie Paris would shake, wet himself and vomit as his father forced him into a box and repeatedly slapped him on the head in an effort to prevent him from being gay, the child's mother, Nysheerah Paris, testified Monday. The boy was 3 years old when he died from swelling on both sides of the brain on January 28.

[...]

"He didn't want him to be a sissy," Shelton Bostic, the defendant's Bible-study friend, testified