More Dean of Corn

Monsieur Gilliard and his readers discuss the Dean of Corn's God-given right to flog women while promoting traditional values.

Update: My inner Frenchman commented on the Braun scandal at Daily Kos. He seems to think that the Dean of Corn is a predator. What do you think?

Cincinnati's crazy for Cornhole

Commenter Cameron provides us with a Cincinnati Enquirer link that may give us a clue as to why Jean Schmidt for Congress campaign manager Joe Braun calls himself the "Dean of Corn":

Cincinnati's crazy for Cornhole

For Erica Lamb and her friend Lisa Price, it's all about the toss.

Kevin Broxterman and Tim Kloepfer always have their bags ready to go.

Shannan Schmitt and Randy Nauman don't consider themselves pros, but they do have their own strategy.

"Just aim and pray," says Schmitt, 31, of East Walnut Hills.

Prayers are optional, but the aim is clear: this group - along with hundreds more on any given day - can't get enough of Cincinnati's favorite home-grown game, cornhole.

[...]

"We play together a lot," says Nauman, 27, of Covedale, an investment analyst.

"We play so much," says Schmitt, a Partners in Education director at the Cincinnati Youth Collaborative, "we should probably start a support group" for cornhole fanatics.

One Cincinnatian is so cornhole-crazy, he's actively campaigning for game uniformity.

[...]

"When I put up the Web site, I got e-mails asking if there are any official rules. There aren't any, so I took advantage of the number of people asking questions and started the Association to finally make universal rules for cornhole."

Whetstone says he's gotten more than 500 responses to his online survey. They came from as far away as Arizona and Washington.

[...]

"It's amazing how it brings families together," says Whetstone.

He knows what he's talking about. His mother-in-law, cousin, uncle and father all chip in to make it a family affair and keep Cincinnati the capital of cornhole.

Dean of Corn

Joe Braun
Campaign Manager, Jean Schmidt for Congress

Dear Mr. Braun,

The internets are full of rumors about you being one of those men who likes to spank people. If that's the case, I hope you can answer a few questions for me.

You see, every now and then, I'll go into a store to buy some cream for these rashes I get (my wife, Ofjoshua, usually does the shopping, but buying this kind of rash medicine is a man's job). Anyway, I'll be in the store and I'll notice the cucumbers when I'm passing through the vegetable section. That gets me to thinking wicked thoughts, and before I know it, I'm waking up pantless and sticky in one of those bars where everyone dresses up like bikers but nobody drives a motorcycle.

Whenever this happens, I head straight to Seattle to see a man who spanks other men for money. Being a Christian man, I'm a big believer in corporal punishment--spare the rod and all that. It's the way I get right with the Lord.

Well, Master Gunther--that's what he likes people to call him--has been trying to convince me to allow him to use a "single-tail whip." I've resisted up until now, because I'm very happy with his Terrible Spatula of Redemption. It seems to do the job of getting me right with the Lord just fine. That said, I'm always willing to try out new technology.

These rumors on the internets suggest that you're a virtuoso with a single-tail whip. Is that true? If so, would you recommend it over a terrible spatula of redemption? What are the advantages and disadvantages of using either of these instruments?

I know you're busy working on Jean Schmidt's campaign right now. Her election is more important than my question--we need her in DC fighting to protect family values--but your email name, deanofcorn, is making me think about things that I shouldn't think about. I'll probably be making a trip to Seattle soon, so I'm eager hear what you have to say.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Frist's Embryo-Americans

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Endorsement

I usually don't endorse political candidates, but Jean Schmidt's conservative credentials are just too good to pass up. It's not often that we're blessed with a congressional candidate who so fervently believes:

- in fighting a war in which only the working class is expected to make sacrifices;

- that serving in the military constitutes an abandonment of your community;

- that elected officials are duty-bound by the principles of free-market capitalism to accept gifts from lobbyists in return for legislative favors; and

- that unwatched balls are very dangerous.

My endorsement comes at a key point in this race. Iraq war vet Paul Hackett's campaign is gaining momentum. French bloggers, excited by Hackett's opposition to the Glorious Global Struggle to Resubjugate Brown People and his support for traditional Democratic economic values, have poured hundreds of thousands of Francs into his campaign. For the first time in decades, polling shows a Democrat within a few points of taking a lead away from an OH-2 Republican.

Of course, the Inner-Party is fighting back. After collecting a tithe from a few of the lobbyists and CEO's who call Dennis Hastert daily with their coffee and sandwich delivery orders, the RNC was able to raise $285,000 for Schmidt's war chest.

That's a good start, but with Frenchman donating to Hackett here (it's never too late to donate--GOTV phonebanks, printing, and last-minute media buys eat money) and pouring into the district and signing up to volunteer for the Hackett's GOTV effort here, we must remain vigilant. Otherwise, the National Republican Party will suffer the humiliation of being beaten in one of the reddest districts in the country.

Double Live Bozo

Director X
Directorate of Operations
Central Intelligence Agency

Dear Director X,

NY Post columnist Deborah Orin has discovered a serious threat to the CIA's security. It seems that some of your covert agents attend Bruce Springsteen concerts. Naturally, fans of the Boss are not to be trusted. That, says Orin, justifies their betrayal--at least it did in Valerie Plame's case.

It's imperative that you act quickly to purge your ranks of other Springsteen fans before Karl Rove is forced to betray them as well. Once they're gone, you can replenish your ranks by recruiting Ted Nugent, Alice Cooper, and Toby Keith fans. Sure, they may smell bad, and their mullets, skull tattoos, and all-but-GED educations might make it difficult to pass them off as engineers, scientists, or diplomatic officials, but, by gosh, you won't have to worry about them making secret visits to the Jersey Shore.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

A helmet tip to Gilliard d'Nouvelleyork.

Gouging out my mind's eye

Karen Johnson
Infrastructure Solutions

Dear Ms Johnson,

There are rumors floating around the internet that you are Karl Rove's concubine. Is it true? I sure hope so.

There's nothing wrong with serving as his concubine. It's a position steeped in ancient biblical tradition. Mr. Rove, the deliverer of elections and master of the Christian base, deserves a stable of mistresses just as David, the slayer of Goliath and king of God's chosen people, had his own harem of concubines.

More importantly, it would put an end to all the talk about Mr. Rove and that harlot, Jeff Gannon. Every time I think about it, I get this mental picture of Mr. Rove on all fours like Ned Beatty in Deliverance, his flabby flesh rippling and his belly and man-breasts bouncing in a rhythm dictated by Gannon's furious pounding and punctuated by Karl's calf-like bellows. I'd rather not have to picture that anymore.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Amazing Grrrrrrrr...ace

Desi, a woman so French she sculpts busts of Ed Muskie out of brie, serenades America's greatest patriarch.

The perfect campaign contraceptive

Pennsylvania Republican Women*

Dear Ms. Comfort,

Last night on CNN, Sen. Rick Santorum proudly stood up and declared his opposition to Griswold v. Connecticut, the Supreme Court decision that legalized contraception. Now, radical feminists, who for so many years have worked tirelessly to destroy motherhood by encouraging birth control, are mobilizing their supporters to attack Sen. Santorum. It's up to women like you to stop them.

Call a press conference today and declare that you stand with Sen. Santorum and his efforts to end legal contraception. Contact your membership and ask them to write letters to the editors and to call talk radio shows demanding an end to birth control. We can win this battle with your help.

Paternally yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Emails sent separately to:

Bernadette Comfort, Winning with Women in PA
Jaime L. Howard, Right Now Philadelphia
Suzanne Haney, Philadelphia GOP 2nd Ward Leader
Teri Mosteller, Chester County GOP
Shelley McLeod, Chester County GOP
Christine Thomas Chester County GOP
Barbara Czop, Montgomery County GOP
Jessica Denno, Montgomery County GOP
Kathee Smith, Montgomery County GOP
Lisa Coffey, Chester County Young Republicans
Sara Holcombe, Montgomery County Young Republicans
Dawn Deraney, Montgomery County Young Republicans
Mrs. Mary C. Lewis, Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Mrs. Angela P. Wechter, Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Mrs. Marianne Sutton , Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
MaryAnn O. Garvey, Esq., Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Ms. Margaret Recupido, Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Mrs. Ursula Fox, Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Mrs. Vivian Altman, Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Mrs. Gwen Feese, Pennsylvania Council of Republican Women
Molly Bauer, PA GOP
Christine Thomas, PA GOP
Allison Coccia, PA GOP
Lisa Holman, PA GOP

It brings tears to this old soldier's eyes

Long time commenter Anntichrist S. Coulter made her first blog post yesterday.

Twelve hours at the White House

The French are all excited about the twelve hours that occurred between the time Inquisitor General Gonzales told Bush Chief of Staff Andy Card about the investigation into Valarie Plame's betrayal and his warning to the White House staff to secure all of the associated documents. They're worried that the staff may have used that time to destroy important evidence. I'm sure that didn't happen. I even have a timeline to prove it.

8:00 pm - Pastor General Ashcroft calls Gonzales, informing him of the investigation.

Our Leader is preparing for his nightly meeting with the Lord by smearing his body with bacon grease and downing a quart of NyQuil.

Karl Rove is holding his hand over a candle to prove that he's tougher than G. Gordon Liddy.

Scooter Libby is waxing Deputy Leader Cheney's back.

8:01 pm - The Special Political Electronic Surveillance team patches Karl Rove into the audio portion of the call. He immediately begins drafting a plan to safeguard important evidence.

8:10 pm - Gonzales informs White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

8:15 pm - Card notifies the White House and Vice Presidential staffs via Blackberry, asking them to preserve the evidence.

8:30 pm - Our Leader places his face into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and asks God when he's going to supply him with flower-throwing, liberated Iraqis. God chuckles and punches him in the arm.

Scooter calls his friend, the scoutmaster, and tells him that he can use his office for that urban survival outing they planned but only if they do it that night.

Rove calls Jeff Gannon, White House journalist, and asks him to meet him at the White House.

10:00 pm - Our Leader throws up into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and passes out.

Rove has spread out all the important evidence onto the floor of his office. He asks Gannon what he thinks is the best way to protect it. Gannon suggests vasoline. He and Rove strip off their clothes and begin protecting the documents by smearing their bodies with vasoline and then rolling on the evidence.

Scooter's scoutmaster friend shows up at Libby's office with the only two scouts he could locate at such short notice. Scooter anticipated that he'd be working with an understaffed troop, so he brought Ari Fleischer and John Bolton along. They're dressed in ill-fitting Webelos uniforms.

10:01 pm - Rove is heard to scream, "get along little doggie."

10:02 pm - spent and exhausted and covered with documents, Rove and Gannon collapse onto the floor and share a smoke.

10:30 pm - Scooter teaches the scouts how to make a campfire out of things found in filing cabinets. Bolton berates a fellow scout who's having trouble with his fire until the young man cries.

Deputy Leader Cheney is checking Haliburton's latest profit statements.

11:00 pm - Lynne Cheney brings the Deputy Leader two-pints of O-positive and helps him into his sleeping shroud.

Bolton heads off to a bar still wearing his Webelos uniform, hoping it'll give him and excuse to knife someone.

Scooter shows the remaining campers the best way to turn an office into a swimming pool.

Gannon sets off for his next White House journalist appointment, a meeting with Scott McClellen about the best way to preserve important Plame-related documents.

Rove begins workups on all of the possible candidates for special prosecutor.

4:00 am - Scooter shows the campers how to make office mulch.

Gannon finishes his fourth document preservation meeting of the evening. Ken Melhman rewards him with a fifty-dollar tip.

Laura helps Our Leader escape from the millions of "spiders" crawling out of the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord. She gives him a shot of NyQuil and puts him to bed.

5:00 am - Rove returns home. He notices that the newspaper has been thrown into the bushes again and decides to do a workup on the paperboy.

6:00 am - Lynne Cheney restarts her husband's heart and helps him into the shower.

Scooter gives the scouts compasses and tells them to find their way home.

8:00 am - Gonzales emails the White House and Vice Presidential staffs, telling them to preserve any evidence they might possess.

A Question for Rick

When I heard that Sen. Santorum was taking questions for a Washington Post chat, I decided to submit a question I had originally asked him a couple of years ago but failed to receive an answer to:

...I say "man on dog" means some kind of sick sex act. My friend Mike says it's more than that. He says it includes things like when you pack peanut butter in your rear end and then let Butch, your australian shephard, lick at it with his tongue.

I don't see that there's anything wrong with that. It's really no different than having him lick my face and I mostly never allow him to get around to the "north side" if you know what I mean. What's more, since it's not actual sex, it doesn't matter that Butch is male. I mean it's not like I'm doing some kind of homosexual on dog kind of thing. I'm no pervert...

What do you think?

What a load

My friend, Jamato of Crooks and Liars, wrote this letter to Christian Answers:

Dear Christian Answers,

When it comes to science, I don't go to those angry, unbelievers in the scientific community for answers. Instead, I get my information from the Church or the more faith-promoting secular songs. For instance, I've always felt that the Beatles "Yellow Submarine" was a veiled ode to Noah and the great service he performed to save all our impure souls.

I have only one question that has nagged me to this day. Noah had eight family members to take care of over 2000 different animals on the arc. How did they ever manage the feculence that accrued during the voyage. Did they use litter boxes? Did they have pooper-scoopers? The weight alone probably could have been enough to sink the arc if it wasn't properly eliminated.

If we calculate the amount of muck and nastiness by the sum total of all the animal's body weight, plus factoring in that it would take approximately twenty-three hours a day for the entire family just to perform this most vital task, what other undertakings could they possibly do? Not to mention that the aroma of said bodily functions would probably have driven them half-mad anyway.

Thank you so much for taking my question.

Yours truly,

Colonel Crooks and Liars.

Eat lead, lizard lips

Jason Apuzzo
Liberty Film Festival

Dear Mr. Apuzzo,

I'm a big fan of your film, San Pedro. It's too bad there aren't more movies with similar story lines. After all, what could be more exciting than a mystery about Al Gore's ties to the Red Chinese.

I'm also excited about the work you're doing to promote conservative filmmakers. Sooner or later, the French-minded Hollywood elite are going to wake up to the fact that the public wants their politics and religion spoon fed to them in their romantic comedies and action pictures--that's the lesson we've learned from such recent blockbusters as The Village.

I think I've found the perfect script to launch this new era of conservative filmmaking. It's a screenplay by a god-fearing, conservative creationist named Jim Pinkoski. He calls it The Bank.

Here's his pitch:

The manager of the local bank is not a human being.

He is a demon, and he enjoys seeing people come in and sign for their high interest bank loans.

This demon loves money, and loves to see the pain it brings to peoples' lives when they have to default on their loans and lose their homes, etc.

Then one day FATHER TIME decides that this has gone far enough

One of the awesome visual sequences in this movie will involve something that has never been done before in a movie, a battle between angels and dinosaurs attacking Noah's Ark.

Admittedly, it needs some work. The author is one of those old-time conservative Christians who's misread what the Bible says about usury. We'll fix that by making the demon a human rights activist rather than a banker. That'll help us avoid charges of heresy from the Dobson wing of the movement.

The climactic battle at Noah's Ark between angels and dinosaurs is almost perfect as is, but I think we should give the angels grenade launchers and handheld, chain-driven machine guns with revolving barrels--our target audience loves that kind of thing. Castingwise, I see Adam Baldwin as Michael, the angel who sings hosannas while kicking dino ass, and Vincent Gallo as his sidekick, Gabriel, an angel whose love for the Lord is only surpassed by his need for a shower.

You know, this whole battle at Noah's Ark scene is so good, we should probably build the rest of the film around it. Let's make it into an allegory about the persecution of Our Leader. The people of Earth begin badmouthing God's policies, so Our Lord's most beloved angel, Karl, hatches a plan to drown every man, woman and child except Noah, a contractor who sacrifices more lambs to God than anyone else on the planet.

Yes, I think that's it. What do you think? Can I get a writing credit? When can we start?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Pharyngula has more on Mr. Pinkoski, here, here, here, and here.