He was born a poor black child

Rep. Stacey Campfield
Tennessee House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Campfield,

I was sorry to hear that your application to become a member of the Tennessee House Black Caucus was rejected. When will they realize that the sons of the Southern Strategy are the black man's friend?

Being a young black man, you may not have run into this kind of discrimination before. Sadly, I know it well, because I must confront the sad, sorry plight of the white Christian male every day. People like me are victimized by the guardians of political correctness every time we open our mouths.

No matter what I do, it seems like I can't get through a full day without being accused of being a racist. I've tried everything to avoid it--I've complimented black men for their race's basketball, dancing, and musical skills and I've expressed my sympathy to their women for having to endure their husbands unnaturally large thingies. Invariably, they return such overtures with charges of bigotry.

I've always wanted to reply that it can't be true, because some of my best friends are black, but that wouldn't be truthful. I don't have any black friends. In fact, I try to avoid them because of how they react to my compliments--nobody wants a beating.

I'm hoping that after your problems with the Black Caucus, you might have sympathy for my plight and become my friend. Then, I'll finally have something to say the next time I'm called a racist or a cracker.

I hope you'll consider it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere:
Rep. Campfield's blog
Serving his constituents
Letters to a constituent

The pork barrel of compassion

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Blogroll

My list of possibly French blogs has become so large that I doubt it iss very useful (~120 entries). I'm going to try running a randomly generated list of 15 links to see if that helps. The list should refresh every time the page is loaded. Let me know what you think.

I guess it explains the way he dresses

A closet can't hide a thumb penis. Maybe he should put a tiny Pope hat on it.



Helmet tip to Lafayette.

Gott mit uns

Sen. Tom Reynolds
Wisconsin State Senate

Dear Sen. Reynolds,

Thanks to feminism, secularism, and the locally mandated pollution of our essence with fluoridated water, there are very few real men remaining among us who are willing to stand up and fight for what is right and decent. Luckily for your constituents, you are one of them.

You didn't bitch and moan after your last speeding ticket. Instead, you introduced legislation to build an unlimited-speed toll autobahn to run parallel with the freeway. Although some may still call you crazy and make jokes at your expense because of it, be assured that others like myself salute your brave entrepreneurial spirit.

The same goes for your hiring practices. You don't allow things like employment discrimination laws to stand in your way. Instead, you ask the kinds of questions every elected official should be asking potential staffmembers--things like "have you been saved by Jesus," "are you a virgin," and "are you saving yourself for marriage." You don't care what others may think. You want the best man--and a man it always is--for the job.

I think the thing for which I most admire you, however, is your commitment to fighting the scourge of homosexuality. While other conservative politicians spend their time simply trying to deny basic human rights to homosexuals, you go the extra step to demonize them as the enemy. Certainly, you're the only elected official who's attended the International Conference on Homo-Fascism.

That's why, unlike others, it doesn't bother me that you replaced Joseph, Mary, and a couple of shepherds with yourself and your family in last year's Christmas card. I think it's fitting.

The same is true for the card's title, "God with us," the English translation of the old SS troopers' motto, Gott mit uns. It's the perfect motto for our Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Monty.

Funding the fruits of freedom

Street Prophets

I've been reading the work of pastordan and Chuck Currie for quite awhile. They preach a heretical French-influenced Christianity which rejects the more violent and uber-capitalist teachings of our Lord, Republican Jesus. Now they've joined together to publish a blog called Street Prophets. Read it at your own peril.

Next, they'll be recruiting milk cartons

I was suspicious when I first learned of Hominid Views. I thought it might be a blog version of one of those TV shows where a bunch of bachelors convince a guy to throw away his overalls and use hair products. Happily, as this letter to Baylor University demonstrates, it's as heterosexual as a John Roberts quiche liberation op.

And Starbucks hates America too.

Atlas' intervention

Pamala Atlas Shrugs
Zionist

Dear Mrs. Shrugs,

I'm worried about you. On Tuesday morning, you made a long list of Klinton's crimes. You accused him of everything from squelching an investigation into Tim "Abdul" McVeigh's mus-com connections to peddling nukes to the chi-com army. Sure, it was an incomplete list--you left out the 857 citizens of Mena, Arkansas he murdered using nothing more than a pointed stick and a Yellowstone National Monument commemorative spoon, and you failed to include his greatest crime of all, the one for which we impeached him, putting his little soldier into a lady's mouth--but the unbridled anger with which you wrote it more than made up for its shortcomings.

But just a few hours later, you posted a photo of yourself dressed in your best sheep skin dress, looking as if you are about to throw this same man down and ride him like Jeff Gannon at a Project for the New American Century Christmas party. You go on to describe him in the accompanying text as being "quite the charmer" and very "likable."

What happened? How could you go from saying "[K]linton should be in jail for treason" to "[h]e was likable" in less than a day? I mean, you're the same person who just a few days ago, interrupted George Galloway's speech by screaming "I AM A ZIONIST."

Were you drinking? If so, perhaps you should consider quitting. This wouldn't be the first time it's caused you to do something you later regretted.

Your readers care about you. The Little Green Footballers care about you. It hurts us when you call Klinton "likable" and "charming." Please get help. We need you out there making the case for a final solution to the problem of the brown people.

Heterosexually* yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*I'm not hitting on you. It's just very important to me that people understand that I'm heterosexual. Really, I am. Don't believe a God damned word Cleetus says. He's a damned liar.

They must really, really hate freedom

Reuters photo

This ungrateful lad is apparently upset about British efforts to bring him the freedom to choose between a Big Mac and The Whopper. Indeed, he and his countrymen are now jailing their liberators:

The official said two unknown gunmen in full Arabic dress began firing on civilians in central Basra, wounding several, including a traffic police officer. There were no fatalities, the official said.

The two gunmen fled the scene but were captured and taken in for questioning, admitting they were British marines carrying out a "special security task," the official said.

Her Majesty's finest were able to free the two defenders of democracy, but only after they were attacked by a mob who had apparently been waiting for the two to be arrested and then freed:

British troops launched the rescue about three hours after Iraqi authorities informed British commanders the men were being held at the police department's major crime unit, the official said.

[...]

Video showed dozens of Iraqis surrounding British armored vehicles and tossing gasoline bombs, rocks and other debris at them.

With one vehicle engulfed in flames, a soldier opened the hatch and bailed out as rocks were thrown at him. Another photograph showed a British soldier on fire on top of a tank.

"Many of those present were clearly prepared well in advance to cause trouble, and we believe that the majority of Iraq people would deplore this violence." Reid said.

Oh how lovely was the morning

Here's a little something for the General's Mormon battalions. Finally, someone's painted an accurate depiction of the Prophet Joseph's experience in the Sacred Grove.

I feel like singing.

Oh, how lovely was the morning! Radiant beamed the sun above,
Bees were humming, sweet birds singing, Music ringing thru the grove,
When with the shady woodland Joseph sought the God of love,
When with the shady woodland, Joseph sought the God of love.

Humbly kneeling, sweet appealing- 'Twas the boy's first uttered prayer-
When the powers of sin assailing filled his soul with deep despair;
But undaunted, still he trusted in his Heavenly Father's care,
But undaunted, still he trusted in his Heavenly Father's care.

"Joseph, - this is my beloved; Hear Him!" - Oh, how sweet the word!
Joseph's humble prayer was answered, and he listened to the Lord.
Oh, what rapture filled his bosom, for he saw the living God,
Oh, what rapture filled his bosom, for he saw the living God.

A helmet tip to reader Rick.

Judge Roberts, Heterosexual Icon

The thing I like most about Chief Justice nominee John Roberts is the way he seems to exude heterosexuality at every moment. I know that he'll keep my marriage safe from the homosexual agenda, because a man as totally committed to heterosexuality as he is could not have it any other way.

Here, he displays a quiche he and his buddies liberated from a local French delicatessen. Note how they stand together holding their prize in a manner reminiscent of ancient warriors displaying the head of an enemy they have vanquished.

Be proud of your party

One of the things many of us conservatives hated most about Paul Hackett was his refusal to alert people to the fact that he was a Democrat when he was calling Our Leader a "son of a bitch" and accusing him of being a failure. It's important to us that our candidates stress their GOP affiliation even in these times when most people consider the word "Republican" to me be a synonym for graft, corruption, and just plain incompetence.

That's why a group of fine patriots recently created a website for Massachusetts State Senate candidate Bill White after they noticed that the word "Republican" appeared nowhere on his own. It's a beautiful site, one that should serve as a model for other proud GOP candidates.

Rather than running from the graft, corruption, and incompetence that give our party so much character, the new Bill White website embraces these values by embracing the Republicans who embody them, men like George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay, and Rick Santorum.

The Bill White site also reaches out to our theocracy-minded brothers with pleas like this:

Pray that our country will turn its back on its wickedness and rampant sodomy and return to the strong moral values it was founded on.

Bill White for Senate even has a handy "Upcoming Jubilees" schedule:



I hope other Republican candidates will follow Bill White for Senate's lead. That way, the people will be given a clear choice between the parties' competing philosophies.

Operation Yellow Elephant

Some fight wars with soldiers. Others, like redstate.org, fight them with strawmen. Karl has more.

Pricks

The Most Reverend Edwin O'Brien
Archbishop of the United States Military

Your Excellency,

As glad as I am to hear that you'll be heading up the apostolic visitation to weed out homosexuals in our seminaries, I worry that many will slip from your grasp. After all, it's not likely that men who've spent years studying for the priesthood will volunteer information that'll prevent them from being ordained. And you can't really identify homosexual priests by their dress or behavior--even heterosexual padres wear cassocks and go dateless on Friday night.

That doesn't mean that it's impossible. The Church faced a similar problem in the past and successfully resolved it. Three centuries ago, witches posed the same threat to the Church that homosexuals pose today. They too were very hard to identify until some bright bishop thought of the idea of employing witch prickers. You could do it again, today.

You have a priest, Rev. Arthur Michalka, in the Diocese of Austin who's an experienced pricker. Just last Wednesday, he pricked 15 children "with an unsterilized pin to demonstrate the pain Jesus suffered during crucifixion." All you need to do is convince him to start pricking seminarians instead. Let him probe their bodies looking for the homo's mark, the place where the prick will make them giggle rather than squeal (well, OK, it might make them squeal too). Once you've found that, you've found a homosexual.

Please consider it. I think that you'll agree that a homosexual pricker is the answer to your prayers.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to jmb and Cocos.

Hell hath no fury...

I didn't know I had a chatroom, and if I did, wouldn't it be a godfearing, patriotic chatroom?

Picked this up from a leftwing chatroom;

Speaking of idiocy, I think little Jilly is going to mutate into an "Atlas Shrugged." What, praytell, is an Atlas Shrugged? Well, she's a minor league war blogger who once threw herself at LGF's Charles Johnson, who didn't reciprocate (heh indeed).

Here's a link. Scroll down for her Thursday post to see a real rogues gallery of war loving idiots:

http://atlasshrugs20...
Bartholemew Throckmorton IV | 09.16.05 - 4:52 pm | #

I replied on LGF so as not to give this assswipe any traffic.

"Where to begin?

First off, EEEEEEHA! I am a minor leaguer after such a short spell in the blogosphere among some 15 million blogs(6 months, 1500 visitors a day). I am a proud Bush leaguer! yeah bababbababay

Mr. Charles, I never came onto you. Ever. This was never my intent.

Yes I respect and adore you as I do Guiliani, Rumsfeld, Sharon, Ron Silver, John Roberts, George Bush, Netanyahu, Natan Sharansky, but have never come onto them".

How does one come onto a cyber soulmate? How souless and silly! My intention was always admirable.

.......I don't know when this allegedly incident took place (seeing as we never met) but if any of my actions have been misunderstood, forgive me.

I got 4 kids, a ton of responsiblity, and a life on an endless loop..........I kick ass because I believe Western Civilization hangs in the balnce ....and I will go down fighting.

I know not of what this little dick speaks, but Charles if I have in any way embarassed you, please forgive me...........this was never my intent

I should add a link to Bartholemew's blog, Bartholemew's Notes on Religion. It's where I get some of my best stuff.

Correction: Whoops. Wrong Bartholemew. Our own Bart of Iraq was responsible for the comment.

BTW, a few months back, a number of readers sent me links to Atlas Shrugged's comments on LGF. To me, it appeared that she was doing everything possible to ensnare him. Too bad it didn't work out. That pair would raise some fine, albeit squeaky-voiced, little Arab haters.

From the photos at her site, it looks like she might have a thing for Hitchens now. Picture that.

Oh, and I suppose the reason that nobody ever throws themselves at me is because the essence of my manliness is far too overwhelming. Yeah, that must be it.

Crooks and Liars returns

Col. Crooks and Liars is back with a letter:

Renee Holcombe
Formerly of Greenville Tech College

Dear Miss Holcombe,

I was saddened to hear today that you resigned your very lofty position as an associate vice president for student services at Greenville Technical College because some liberal PC's painted you as intolerant and a racist. Why are they playing the Blame Game when lives are at stake?

I don't understand the big deal everyone is making over the fact that you called those cute little black children " yard apes". After all, where you and I come from "yard apes" is a totally complimentary term. I have a next door neighbor named Jim, and when we chug a few brews watching NASCAR, I always put my arm around him and tell him that he's my favorite little porch monkey.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you should hold your head up high and not worry about a thing. I hear Jerry Falwell's Liberty Universty has a few openings coming up soon.

C&L