Little Green Heroes

I just finished watching the documentary, Checkpoint, and I now see why people like Chuck Johnson and Pamela Atlas Shrugs worship the IDF. They understand that, as occupiers, the Israelis are duty-bound to humiliate the brown people they subjugate. It's the best way to ensure that they don't get too uppity.

Some might say that such constant humiliation only feeds the subjugated's rage and drives them to lash out at their oppressors in desperate, suicidal acts of resistance, but I don't think that's the case. Humiliated people don't attack checkpoints with bombs strapped to their bodies; they cower before their masters.

Take a look at the following descriptions of some of scenes from the film, and I think you'll see what I mean.

The simplest of activities are made impossible by Israeli soldiers, who are documented in the film as sometimes denying Palestinians movement just because they can. Palestinian men, women, and children - healthy, frail, old, and young - are forced to wait in bitter thunderstorms, snow, and the heat to get to hospitals, schools, funerals, jobs, and their homes.

[...]

Israeli border police working in Palestinian Bethlehem brag that they "break" the Palestinians by humiliating them at the checkpoints. To clarify any confusion, one of the officers says, "What do I mean by 'break them?" [I mean] make them suffer. ... Let the world know. This is the Bethlehem Border police." The officer is soon distracted by an attractive 15-year-old Palestinian girl across the road, whom he harasses despite her polite efforts to show she isn't interested.

...a trembling older man in a keffiyeh holds out his bags to the soldiers and explains in broken English, "Food for my wife for Christmas tomorrow. Meat for my family," and begins to tear up when the soldiers deny him entrance despite his declaration of friendship to the young Israelis.

The audience experiences with the Palestinians at the checkpoints the rage that bubbles under when a jaded Israeli, armed to the teeth, doesn't let a Palestinian mother accompany her crying grade-school aged sons through a checkpoint at Khan Younis. Viewers nearly get goosebumps as a Palestinian man shivers and rubs his hands together for warmth during a winter thunderstorm at a checkpoint near Nablus.

The shivering man and his family were turned back to wait in storm while the guard who denied them entrance explained his decision to the cameraman:




Near the end of the film, some of the brown people get uppity:

...they storm through a checkpoint at Ramallah, led by a middle-aged Palestinian woman who yells to the Israelis that they can shoot her if they want, undeterred by the warning shots they fire into the air. As one soldier shouts that he'll "break her bones," a Palestinian shouts, "Is this the freedom you promised us?"

I'm sure that if Chuck and Pamela saw this last scene, they would be very disappointed in their heroes for not executing the ungrateful mus-coms on the spot. Our Leader would never allow our own soldiers to make such a mistake in Iraq. I bet that knowedge brings a smile to Chuck and Pam's faces.

"who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war"

Wow. Fifty years old.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Folding laundry with Harriet

The Jivester plays Jeff Gannon, White House journalist.

Little Green Fear Junkies

Squeaker of the House, Chuck Johnson, wonders why John doesn't soil himself every time brown people are mentioned in the media. It's a good question. Doesn't the publisher of Crooks and Liars understand the importance of shitting one's pants in fear whenever Our Leader commands it?

Osama and me

Michael Chertoff
Department of Homeland Security

Dear Sec. Chertoff,

I suspect that yesterday's subway alert was the first of many terrorist alerts we'll see over the next few weeks. Some will claim that these alerts are without substance, that we're simply issuing them to draw attention away from Patrick Fitzgerald's pending indictments of Karl Rove and Scooter Libby and the naming of "one or more very high level unindicted co-conspirators."

We know better. Bin Laden sees this as an opportunity to strike while our attention is diverted elsewhere. That shouldn't surprise us. He tried to do the same thing during the runup to the presidential election. Thank God we were able to thwart him by exposing his plots whenever Our Leader fell behind in the polls.

Bin Laden isn't stupid (after all, he's been able to avoid capture since 9/11 by cleverly disposing of his nail clippers before entering airports). He knows that it was our patriot pundits who kept us vigilant by scaring the hell out of us with tales of impending doom. Certainly, he understands that he has to neutralize them if he is to succeed this time.

Luckily, I stumbled onto one of his attempts do do just that. An email address I use, kill_them_all@yahoo.com looks a lot like the email address used by one of his dozens of number 3 men, kill_them_allah@yahoo.com. Bin Laden must have had them both in his address book and accidentally mixed them up (I always suspected that he was the guy who called himself "masculinist69" in alt.mens.rights--he was constantly writing me about his latest fatwas against the Spice Girls).

Anyway, here's the email he accidentally sent me:

From: "Osama"
To: kill_them_all@yahoo.com
Subject: Neutralizing the infidels' propaganda apparatus
Date: Wed, 25 Sep 2005 20:16:58

Dear Number 3 man #57,

Before we launch our next series of "unspecified attacks against unspecified targets," it is imperative that we first neutralize those in the infidel media who disrupted our many operations to carry out an unspecified attack against an unspecified target during the last presidential campaign.

We need to do it subtly--subtlety has become our signature since we started doing unspecified attacks against unspecified targets. We can't abandon it now.

That's why I've decided to send them emails personally designed to feed on their most secret fears. They'll be so shaken after reading the emails, they won't be able to concentrate on their fear-mongering, and we'll be able to carry out unspecified attacks against unspecified targets at will.

Here is the first batch of emails I want you to send.

To Bill O'Reilly:
I've been watching you, and I know that you're secretly tormented by your attraction to men. Embrace your feelings. Cut the macho act and join the team. It will free you.

To Rush Limbaugh:
Afghanistan's poppy crop has been completely destroyed by swarms of giant junkie locusts.

To Michelle Malkin:
You're not fooling anyone. You're brown. It's obvious to everyone.

To John Bolton:
Being an asshole doesn't prevent anyone from making jokes about your toupee.

To Andrew Sullivan:
There really isn't a big demand for unprotected sex with a fat hairy guy.

To Bill Bennett:
The only way you're going to end the outrage over your recent remarks is to publicly apologize to a prominent black man. That means that you'll have to shake his hand.

To Sean Hannity:
The President gets a kick out of how your leg twitches when he scratches your belly.

To Daryn Kagan:
Open your eyes the next time you're with him and you'll understand why the very thought of such a coupling induces projectile vomiting in normal people.

Send me a note when your ready for another batch,

Allahu Akbar,

Sommy

I hope this information helps. I'll let you know if he sends me another email.

Hetersexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Joe Wilson to be indicted today

It's true. I read it at the Free Republic.

Tegucigalpa, USA

As we prepare for what is perhaps the most important conflict in our nation's history, the Domestic Struggle Against the Contagious, we must do what is necessary to silence those who would criticize our Commander in Chief. The stakes are far too high to allow such dissent to continue.

Whining at the Student Union

I respond to a column in a college newspaper.

So this is how Rush feels

The General and his oral surgeon are celebrating a victory in the Global Struggle Against Subversive Molars tonight. Please join me in hoisting an icepack and downing a handful of vicodin.

Gravitas and a buck will get you a cup of coffee

Thomas Lifson
The American Thinker

Dear Mr. Lifson,

I have to admit that I was a little disappointed when I heard that Our Leader had nominated Harriet Miers to sit on the Supreme Court. Don't get me wrong. Our Leader acted correctly in selecting a sycophant rather than a legal scholar to serve at the apex of our judiciary, but I was hoping that he'd go the Caligula route and pick a favored pet--I felt it was time for the First Dog, Barney, to get in on a little crony action.

I understand it would have been a hard sell--Barney being Scottish and therefore possibly inclined to don an occasional skirt--but I also knew that he had certain skills that could be used to Our Leader's advantage. He could intimidate Justice Ginsberg, for instance, by biting her on the ass. He could also destroy a particularly offensive opinion by urinating on it and do so without prompting the kind of backlash that's directed at Justice Scalia when he whips out his own Mighty Staff of Indignation and showers his gravitas onto the Bill of Rights.

Your post changed my mind. Your prediction that Miers will use her coffee serving skills to calm the Court's activism makes a lot of sense. It's very similar to the effect Caligula's horse, Incitatus, had on the Roman Senate. The rides he gave to the Senators' children, not to mention the very special relationship he developed with Cleetus of Wyomium, served his master well. After all, nobody wants to anger the guy who provides the pony rides.

Hey, if you think about it, the same could be said of Our Leader's rationale for governing.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

She'll shank you if the President asks her to

Tom Hansen, Chief Marketing Officer
TM Advertising

Dear Mr. Hansen,

Harriet Miers's Supreme Court nomination has been in trouble from the moment it was announced. So far, her impeccable credentials--a term on the Dallas City Council, a Distinguished Alumni Award from SMU, and a White House position in which she was entrusted with vetting every piece of paper that crossed Our Leader's desk--have not been enough to quiet concerns about her qualifications to serve on the Court. Her nomination needs a shot in the arm, and it needs it right now.

After seeing the work you did for Boeing and Bell on the Osprey, I'm convinced you're the only company that can pull this off. Your Osprey piece was magnificent. The tagline, "It descends from the heavens. Ironically it unleashes hell," was so good it prompted my little soldier to rise up out of his long slumber and fire a triple-load salute. I'm sure it scared the living hell out of foreigners all the way from Edmonton to Adelaide.

You can do the same for Miss Miers's nomination. I'm thinking along the lines of something like this:

Well, what do you think? Are you up to the challenge?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

God speaks to Darryl...

about Judge Roy Moore.

The Opportunity of the Commons

Rep. Henry E. Brown, Jr
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Brown,

Republicans are taking a lot of heat these days. Words like "corrupt," incompetent," "mercenary," and "greedy," are quickly becoming synonyms for "Republican." We need to do something to change that perception. It's bad for business.

I see it as essentially being a communications issue. We simply haven't been good at promoting our real agenda. Indeed, we even actively avoid marketing it, preferring, instead, to distract the electorate with tales of Islamist/homosexual/secularist/immigrant/minority/feminist conspiracies to destroy our children, our families, and our way of life.

I think you articulated a better message the other day, when you attacked the Endangered Species Act, saying: "We should protect endangered species, but not at the expense of our property owners." In this single sentence, you defined our vision of America better than anyone since James Watt. It's not about protecting Americans or our family values; it's about profit, pure and simple.

Think about how much easier it will be to turn our failures into successes if we're honest about our goals. No longer will we need to pretend that turning Iraq into an Islamic Republic is a victory for freedom, nor will we have to promote the fantasy that we cared what happened to the poor in New Orleans. Instead, we only need to state that we're simply maximizing our profits by acquiring oil and property for development--it's nothing personal, just business.

The same goes for the legal difficulties faced by our leadership. Tom Delay isn't corrupt; he's just a sharp-eyed entrepreneur. Insider-trading? Bill Frist was just managing his investments. Karl Rove isn't a traitor; he was just defending the interests of POTUS Inc.

I look forward to hearing you defend our profit-driven value system more in the future. Perhaps you could give a speech in which the "Tragedy of the Commons" is repositioned as the "Opportunity of the Commons." That seems like the logical next step for you in your jihad against endangered species, and it would help our leadership see the true value of your message as a marketing tool.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Jesus Christ, donkey thief

A biblical precedent for our Republican style of governing is found in the Gospel of Luke:

19:29 And it came to pass, when he was come nigh to Bethphage and Bethany, at the mount called the mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples,

19:30 Saying, Go ye into the village over against you; in the which at your entering ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither.

19:31 And if any man ask you, Why do ye loose him? thus shall ye say unto him, Because the Lord hath need of him.

19:32 And they that were sent went their way, and found even as he had said unto them.

Fox News Retrospective

Agi T Prop is honoring The Official Broadcast Organ of Our Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution with a contest. If only we could see Fox News Alerts like these.

Here's my submission: