I'm back!

The General left me a set of keys to the place again, so this is just a little note to let all y'all know that I'll see you in the morning. I leave you tonight with a song:

Land of Confusion


Fantastic video.

Turning the corner

In the name of George, the Merciful, the Conservatively Compassionate:

Yesterday, our forces struck a great blow against Al Qaeda when they captured their preeminent terrorist hair stylist, Farhan Juwar al-Zubaydi -- "aka 'The Barber.'" While it is unclear whether The Barber was one of the 837 number-three-men in the organization, his contributions to Al Qaeda's terrorist efforts were considerable. Information gleaned from early beatings suggest that The Barber was responsible for the mullet haircuts sported by many of the terrorists who have infiltrated the Heartland in recent years.

Peace and blessings be upon Our Leader, the Messenger of God, and his family and cronies.

MSN referral

Why would anyone search for this phrase, and why would Jesus' General be the first of 5,935 results listed?

Cletus is a damned liar. Don't believe a word he says.

Beating brown people for freedom

Theodore Reynolds
George Mason Police Department

Dear Officer Reynolds,

It's a tragedy that some of our greatest heroes in the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People never get the recognition they deserve. Take you for instance. You'll never receive a medal for beating Tariq Khan, the George Mason University student you arrested for peacefully protesting military recruitment on campus. Action on the domestic front is not considered worthy of commendation. That's a shame, because repressing dissent is a critical part of Our Leader's plan to promote freedom.

I was particularly impressed by your ability to discern Khan's terrorist intentions by simply looking at the color of his skin. Perhaps that's something you learned from being a dark brown man yourself. After all, you've experienced the way some white people look at you and instantly decide that you're about to rob or rape them. Maybe you picked up this skill from them.

In any event, you'll never get the recognition you deserve as long as you're attached to a domestic police unit. That's why I think you should sign-up for duty in Iraq. There are plenty of brown people to beat up over there. And if you can get yourself assigned to prison duty, they'll let you torture and rape whole families of brown people. I bet you'd enjoy that.

I hope you'll think about it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Adding depth to the bench

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

White House Prayer Rehearsal

The French are raising hell because Allison Barber made a bunch of soldiers rehearse lines for a televised conversation with Our Leader. There's nothing wrong with that. She's prepped God for the President's prayers since 2003, and He's never complained.

I bet Our Leader owns one

I've always wanted a painting of Jesus wrapping himself in the flag while standing in the ruins of the World Trade Center-- especially one painted on black velvet.

Apparently, the artist is a Catholic priest.

More Harriet Miers Documents

Campus Progress to become the official repository.

Now in its 5th Season

The latest reviews.

The General ♥ Trigby from San Francisco

Thanks for the Ray Charles CD. I love it.

Georgie ♥ Harriet

I'm disappointed that the White House released this document for the Harriet Miers nomination hearings. I had hoped that they'd stick to their guns and refuse to release anything.

Damn. It looks like they released other documents.

Update: Don't forget to check out her blog.

Scooped

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I can't tell you how dissappointed I was to hear Fox News Channel being scooped by its own consultant and talent. That's what happened last Friday when Fox News Intelligence Consultant, Wayne Simmons, dropped a bombshell during Alan Colmes's radio show and identified liberal columnist David Corn as the person who betrayed Valerie Plame Wilson (MP3 file).

That's one heck of a scoop, and the fact that you were beaten to it causes me to wonder if the people you employ are beginning to believe that Fox News has lost favor with Our Leader. I can think of no other reason why they'd break such a big story on a competing medium.

It's not too late to strike back with an even a bigger story. To my knowledge, no one has broken the story about how Rick Perlstein helped Hugo Chavez obtain Vorgon Battle Crusiers. Nor has anyone reported on Max Blumenthal's secret life as an Iranian Ayatollah or Molly Ivins's work as an assassin for the Direction Générale de la Sécurité Extérieure.

I'm sure that you'd quickly find your way back into Our Leaders good graces if you broke any of these stories. I'd be glad to help you do it. And if you're in the market for a new intelligence consultant, I'd be happy to help you out with that as well.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

...

Darren L. Moore, a Sunday school teacher at a church in Norman, Oklahoma, was sentenced to 20 years in prison after pleading guilty to three counts of forcible sodomy and one count of indecent exhibition of obscene material to a minor, a 7-year-old boy. As reported the Norman Transcript:

"The mother of the victim told the court, in a pre-sentence report, that her son didn't want to go to heaven because that's where Moore told him he was going and he wouldn't feel safe with Moore there."

--Bobo's world

Military Response

Active duty and retired combat veterans respond to a Yellow Elephant's column in the Rocky Mountain Collegian.

Commie roundups in Council Bluffs

Bob Mundt
President/CEO
Council Bluffs Area Chamber of Commerce

Dear Mr. Mundt,

A lot of people are saying that Rep. Steve King is making a laughing stock out of our region. They point to his defense of Sen. Joe McCarthy, the major role he played in politicizing Terri Schiavo's death, and his personal war against Mexicans as evidence that the constituency who elected him three times must be insane.

Such talk is not good for business. We need to do something about it. The easiest thing to do would be to boot him out of office, but we need him fighting for us against the Mexican-Communist (Mex-Com) conspiracy. That's why I think we need to embrace this new reputation for extremism he's given us and turn it into a selling point.

Perhaps the Chamber could sponsor an annual McCarthy Festival. Rep. King could open it with a commie roundup. Think about it. The citizens of Council Bluffs could keep lists of everyone who refused to remove their hats in the presence of the flag or just mouthed the words to the Star Spangled Banner at high school football games. Rep. King would gather the lists and give them to Boy Scouts to conduct the roundup. Then, we could put red dunce caps on the roundupees and march them down Pearl Street to Bayliss Park for some public criticism. The Rotary and Lions clubs could set up booths selling tomatoes and pies to throw at them.

After the roundup, you could hold a Mexican slur writing contest. I'm thinking big, something along the lines of the Kanab, Utah's Cowboy Poetry Rodeo, with a prize large enough to attract the top bigots in the nation.

We could end each McCartyFest (that's what I'd call it) with Family Night at Mercy Hospital, an event honoring Rep. Kings bold leadership in turning Terri Schiavo's death into a circus. I envision allowing the public to go room by room through the hospital, overriding the patients' health care decisions. For instance, the citizens might choose prayer rather than chemotherapy for a cancer patient or determine that an appendectomy would help a patient more than breast augmentation surgery.

That's all I have in the way of ideas. I'm sure you'll have more. The important thing is that we embrace this reputation for extremism with which Rep. King has blessed us.

Please let me know if I help you make this come about.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Leering Lou Beres and Gridlock Doc Hastings

I think Darryl brings up some great points in his letter to B**ver State Christian Coalition Director Lou Beres:

First, given the shameless promotion of the homosexual agenda in the public schools, we can view your non-consensual sex with very young female relatives as more of a pre-emptive strike against the godless heathens in the public school system filling minds of tender young children with contempt for patriarchy, pagan environmentalism, and an unnatural desire to see Madonna and Britney Spears together.

Read the rest here.

Darryl's blog, Hominid Views, is one of the blogs listed in my sidebar under "Frenchman of the Northwest Forests." I recently added McCranium to that list (although since it is based on the Alabama side of the Cascades, it should go into another category, "Frenchmen of the Northwest Shrub Steppe.")

These blogs are a must read for anyone interested in Washington state politics or in following House Ethics Committee Chair Doc "Gridlock Doc" Hastings's gyrations as he tries to serve his master, Tom Delay, while covering his ass at home.

As you'll see in the links below, Horsesass (the blog that broke Brownie's Arabian Horse experience), McCranium, and Washington State Political Report have been particularly subversive in their coverage of Gridlock Doc. We'll need to remember their treachery when we finally start holding Freedom Trials.

Rep. Hastings' inertia shames Eastern WA
Rep. Doc Hastings: "my constituents are stupid"
Doc just doesn't get it...
For Consumption in the State of Washington
Letter Number 2

Dr. Robert Glenn and the Mystery of the Pernicious Penis

Dr. Robert Glenn
Vice President for Student Affairs
Middle Tennessee State University

Dear Dr. Glenn,

I wonder if you haven't acted too rashly in confronting your school's penis graffiti problem. While prosecution is usually the best response to anything involving the penis, the artist in this case may be making a statement in support of traditional conservative values.

For instance, I'm beginning to hear the word "impeachment" a lot lately. People are angry with Our Leader for his bold move to revive traditional free market principles like corruption and cronyism, his mendacity-based approach to defense issues, and his support for those who betray intelligence assets for the greater glory of his presidency. Perhaps the penis artist was attempting to demonstrate the inappropriateness of such talk by reminding people what truly constitutes an impeachable offence.

It is also possible that the graffitist was using his or her art to defend another great American patriot, Jeff Gannon. He's currently being attacked for his role in the betrayal of Valerie Plame. Of course, such attacks are unfair, because if the harlot, Gannon, was indeed involved, he was acting on the best of intentions, that is to betray national security information in order to punish the wife of a man who had embarrassed the President. The graffitist may be trying to draw attention to Gannon's plight by drawing his picture on the sidewalk. Yes, I know it looks like penis graffiti, but so does Gannon--he's often affectionately described as a "cock-headed man whore" on the internets.

Those are just two examples of why the graffitist might deserve to be rewarded rather than punished. But one might ask how do we determine his or her intentions. Well, I think you need to catch the culprit in the act. That might seem like a daunting task given the high number of possible suspects and the sheer square footage of the concrete on campus--you can't watch everyone and everything at once--but with a little logic, you could narrow down the possibilities.

Think about it. There are really only two groups at MTSU who'd be motivated to do such a thing. Your College Republican affiliate, the Raider Republicans, for the reasons stated above, and Womens Studies majors.

You can rule out the female Raider Republicans right away. There is no way they'd draw a penis; it would be too similar to touching one. That's a major taboo for Republican women. Even the contact they make during their most intimate moments are justified as being accidents. "I reached to give Cletus the remote and my hand slipped and accidentally stroked his little deacon 47 times;" "I tripped over the gear shift and my mouth accidentally engulfed his throbbing staff of leadership;" and "I lost my balance showing him my ballet moves and the next thing I knew, I was riding the steer in the reverse cowboy position" are all very common excuses.

We can also possibly rule out the male Raider Republicans by looking closely at the drawings. Is there blood at the scene? Are there any firearm or large truck elements incorporated into the penis drawings? If the answer to either question is no, then the Raider Republicans are not responsible.

You see, it would be very difficult for a male College Republican to draw a penis. Its siren song would awaken his deepest fear, the same fear that drove him to embrace the symbolically manly, testicular illusion of power that attracted him to conservatism in the first place. Nobody thought John Wayne was a homosexual; he kicked too much ass.

Drawing a penis is an intimate act. Too intimate for someone who is insecure about his sexuality. That's why a College Republican couldn't do it without convincing himself for short periods of time that he might be a friend of Dorothy's. During those brief moments of clarity, he'd react as any good god-fearing Christian conservative would react--he'd beat up the homosexual by banging his own head against the sidewalk, thus leaving a telltale pool of blood near the drawing.

In between bouts of head-banging, the College Republican will become deeply insecure as he considers the huge size of his drawing. He'll be racked with waves of shame, knowing that he'll never be able to measure up. To compensate, he'll add monster tires to the penis's scrotum to give it more of a Humvee feel. Or he'll draw the penis ejaculating in machine gun fashion, spraying seed like a kind of long, hard, fleshy assault rifle.

If you find no blood or compensation-related additions to the drawings, you'll know that the culprit is a womens studies major. Her motive will be to emasculate the men on campus by furthering the myth that the average male penis is much bigger than it actually is. It's an old feminist tactic. The spreading of the myth of a 4+ inch penis in popular feminist magazines like Cosmo has caused tremendous damage to the male psyche. It's hard to dominate women in the public sphere when they're laughing at your little soldier in the bedroom.

Well, I hope I've been helpful. Good luck.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Femmes De Guérillero Du Tennessee

The General is 110% heterosexual

One of Pamela Atlas Shrugs's friends wrote the following in my comments:

The blog owner is afraid that he is gay? Thus his facination with young Republicans? and his need to declare he is not gay. Does that encapsulate the description of this blog?

How often do I need to declare my heterosexually on this blog? As it is, I do it nearly every day when I close my correspondence with the words, "heterosexually yours."

Now I'm the first to admit that Satan tempts me more than other men, but my occasional trips to the tavern where everyone dresses like a biker but nobody owns a bike don't occur more than once of twice a month. What's more, the things I do there are always accidental--I'm usually just reaching for a remote or tripping over a gearshift. And I always make amends with my creator by paying that guy in Seattle to punish me with his Terrible Spatula of Redemption.

So that's enough of these rumors. I'm as heterosexual as they come. Really, I am. It's important to me that you believe that.

And don't believe a God damned word Cletus says about my ewe, Sheila, either. He's a damned liar. Sheep can't talk.

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Support the Supporters

Ryan Chapman
Rocky Mountain Collegian

Dear Mr. Chapman,

I can't express the anger I felt when I read the following response to the column where you defended the College Republicans' courageous efforts to fight the war by documenting your professors' subversive activities:

So I get this article referred to me by my cousin, a student at CSU. Speaking for myself, I don't feel all that well supported by Mr. Chapman. There aren't enough of us here to do all the missions we need to do to keep from loosing this thing. You'll notice I didn't say 'win this thing.' 17 years of military experience tells me that we cannot win in Iraq in any way that Americans are used to thinking of the term 'winning.' I was against this war from the beginning because it was a stupid, pointless mission that had no legal or moral justification.

So, to those who say that a person cannot support the troops without supporting the president and the mission, I say, f--k you. I do it every day of my life. And on a personal note to Mr. Chapman--please join up. We're very short handed right now, and I'd prefer you took my place on the next Iraq rotation since you believe in it and I don't. Otherwise, shut your pie-hole.


Michael Galletly
Staff Sergeant, Army National Guard
Oklahoma

What is wrong with these soldiers? Don't they understand how much the College Republicans have sacrificed to help the war effort by holding "Support the President" rallies, affirmative action bake sales, and immigrant hunts? It's heartbreaking to think of all the toga parties, keggers, and Greek nights that have been delayed because these fine young men and women were busy photographing their professor's office doors in the defense of our nation.

Maybe it's time these troops took some time off from dying for Our Leader's glory and started holding a few "Support Our Supporters" rallies to honor you who have given up so much. They could begin each rally by calling for the gassing of their own mothers as a tribute to the good work you've been doing promoting the use of violence against Cindy Sheehan. Then, they could pass a helmet around to collect war porn, so that the 101st Fighting Keyboarders won't be left wanting after Chris Wilson's arrest. With any luck, they'll collect enough pictures of mutilated brown people to provide your peers with masturbation fodder for years to come.

I'm not sure how to go about starting something like this, but I bet you and your fellow College Republicans can figure it out. Maybe you could do a column on it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Are you looking for a high paying position in the Bush Administration?

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