She posted the following in my comments:
As I watched Mr. Fitzgerald's press conference, I had this...this strange, vaguely nostalgic feeling come over me...
...it was, at long last and undeniably, a small resurgence of pride in my country. YES, I thought; YES, THIS is the America I remember. He spoke of the crimes that have been committed by those in control as, well, CRIMES against our country. OUR country, not the personal, decimated playground of corruption that the current cabal seems to think it is. The Constitution. The First Amendment. A government where even the most powerful shitbag is no match for the system, when it works, when it is in the hands of people such as Fitzgerald. Rove's (and, hopefully, others') come-uppance may still be a dream deferred, but for today, at long last, I felt good about living here again. That was Fitzmas for me.
Both Our Leader and Deputy Leader celebrated Soldier Day by giving separate speeches at military bases, today. I haven't seen the transcripts yet, but I suspect that they thanked the soldiers for sacrificing their body armor for the Glorious War to Lower Paris Hilton's Taxes.
Deputy Leader Dick made a sacrifice as well when he scheduled his speech to occur at the height of today's blasphemous Fitzmas celebration, thus missing out on the delicious desert of crow.
I've always thought that it was a shame that Sen. Trent Lott lost his Majority Leader position simply because of his fondness for segregation. So he yearns for a return of whites-only fountains and anti-miscegenation laws, that shouldn't disqualify him for the highest Republican Party position in the Senate. Heck, if anything it makes him more qualified--there's no conservative value that's more traditional than racial segregation.
That's why I'm concerned that he's starting to pander to the tolerant. Just yesterday, he said the following (MP3 file) about Our Leader's search for a Supreme Court nominee to replace Harriet Miers:
I want the President to look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find.
I love Bill O'Reilly (in a very heterosexual, almost Leavittown, Buenos Aries Hilton combat experienced kind of way, of course) and nothing gives me more joy than to see him rant about Media Matters.
I just can't resist watching as his face deepens in color until it's like an over-ripe tomato swollen to the point where the skin begins to tear. And the eyes, my God the eyes, growing larger with each angry sentence he utters until finally they seem as if they are struggling to tear themselves loose from their sockets to do a grotesque swan dive into the puddle of drool forming on the desktop beneath his chin.
One of these days, while he's in the middle of a particularly harsh diatribe, his head is going to explode. It'll be Fox's greatest moment, one that will be replayed more often than even Howard Dean's scream. Hannity will call it a Hillary plot, Hume will cite it as a reason to drill for oil in Yosemite, and Greta will declare a portion of O'Reilly's skull to be white, female and missing.
That's why it's important to contribute to Media Matters during their fund drive. They may be as French as shredded green beans, but by God, they're going to give us the greatest of all television moments.
As long as I'm fundraising for others, please consider showing Wampum a little love as well. It'll help them to defray the costs of the Koufax Awards.
Yes, I'm still angry with them for trying to marginalize my message by calling it humor, but I hope that by kissing up to them, I'll convince them to revive the award for "Best Conservative Blog." That one's mine, dammit.
Dan Schuberth
Secretary, College Republican National Committee
Dear Mr. Schuberth,
It takes a lot of balls for an officer of the College Republican National Committee to attack a soldier heading off to war. When you did so, you opened yourself up to being assailed as a cowardly yellow elephant and a souless, political hack who selfishly places his partisan ambitions above all that is right and decent. Thank God you didn't let that stop you.
It's important for people to know that although Alex Cornell du Houx is honorably keeping the commitment he made to the Marine Reserves in high school, he is still a major player in the Maine College Democrats and a vocal opponent of Our Leader and the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. He doesn't deserve to face death in battle for the glory of Our Leader and his Administration of the Indicted. That honor should be reserved for people like you, able-bodied, albeit overweight, College Republicans who place the needs of the party ahead of national interest.
I was particularly impressed by your claim that this young Marine opposed his country by opposing the president. It demonstrates that you are capable of doing whatever it takes to destroy your political opponents. Just as such former College Republican greats as Scooter Libby and Karl Rove betrayed the identity of a CIA agent for political purposes, you accuse an Iraq-bound Marine of treason simply because he protests Our Leader's policies. Obviously, you have the right stuff to go far in today's Republican Party.
There is still more you can do. Join the Marines and follow du Houx to Iraq, and when an opportunity presents itself, betray him to the enemy. That's what Dick Cheney would do.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Note: Some of you may not have noticed that I always put a link to the addressee's email address in the salutations of these letters. It makes it easier for others to contact them if they wish.
A helmet tip to reader Sally.
Randy Sharp
American Family Association
Dear Mr. Sharp,
I'll admit that I found Walgreens' support the Gay Games confusing when I first heard about it. I couldn't figure out why such a traditionally-minded company would sully its reputation by embracing tolerance. Thanks to your column at Agape Press, I now understand. Their motives are obvious:
This is where Walgreens' profiteers put their heads together to insure they get their piece of the pie.
No doubt large numbers of gays will become exposed to HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. A glance at online pictures from past Gay Games' nightlife is a clear indication that the party scene is designed for "hooking up," with casual and anonymous sex in mind.
Walgreens must be salivating at the prospect of new customers this will create.
And how better to become the official "drug dealer" of the Gay Games, than to donate $100,000 and become the top sponsor for incredible exposure? It's a brilliant marketing investment!
I imagine the sales pitch in Walgreens' corporate board room went something like this: "We know people are going to be spreading communicable diseases and a lot of them will eventually become very sick. If we show support for gays now, we stand to reap a ton of business in the not-too-distant future. Let's call it 'Walgreens' HIV/AIDS Awareness' so they'll think of us first when they need drugs."
My inner Frenchman wonders why the Family Research Council's Tony Perkins is afraid that the Judiciary Committee will call Rev. Dobson to testify at the Miers nomination hearings and is issuing veiled threats against Senators.
I think Tony's just exercising proper stewardship over his flock in the Senate.
Rev. Alberto Bondy
St. Anne Catholic Community
cc: Bill O'Reilly
Dear Father Bondy,
I know you're going through a rough patch right now. Hopefully you'll find some comfort in my words and advice.
There's nothing wrong with a priest slapping another priest around after a wedding. I bet Jesus kicked a few of his disciples' asses after downing a few jugs of his miracle merlot at the wedding in Cana. It's what guys do. We get hammered and pound the hell out of each other.
I also don't have a problem with you beating a kid for taking your lawnmower out on a joyride. It's not right for a man to touch another man's lawnmower. It's akin to desecrating a sacred object. The little perp deserved a whooping.
That said, I have to wonder if you could have avoided all this controversy if you had tried spanking instead. It's a more acceptable form of violence in our society. Heck, Bill O'Reilly credits it with our victory in World War II.
How do you think the priest would have responded had you thrown up his cassock and slapped his little fanny red? That'd have shown him who's the boss. He'd never question your authority again.
Maybe Mr. O'Reilly could offer you a few tips. He acts like the kind of guy who thinks a lot about domination, and I hear that he wields a wicked falafel of punishment. You should drop him a note.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
The latest news about Deputy Leader Dick prompted my inner Frenchman to update one of his t-shirts. Rotten Bastard.
I had just finished playing the taps.wav file on my computer in preparation for bed when I heard a CNN reporter yelling about people fornicating behind him. I caught a screen cap, but missed recording the audio.
Brent M. Thorne
Superintendent, Sevier School District
Richfield, Utah
Dear Dr. Thorne,
It's a sad day in Zion when a school district can be sued for firing a latter day Korihor. Certainly, that's what is happening in Sevier County. Erin Jensen thought she could scandalize our community with her public coffee drinking and corrupt our children with discussions about world beliefs, but she was wrong.
You and the school board stood up to her. During your inquistion, you brought out the truth about her love of hot drinks and the possibility that she practices witchcraft, and then destroyed her by alleging that "Halloween is her favorite holiday and she doesn't hide the fact she prefers the dark side."
Now, she's fighting back in a court. Let's hope she's unsuccessful. We need to be able to weed out unbelievers from the treaching ranks and replace them with God-fearing, priestood-holding men who will prepare our children to build the New Jerusalem in Jackson County, Missouri. Otherwise, we might just as well be Jehovahs Witnesses.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
*In Utah, even Jews are gentiles.
George W. Bush
President of the United States
Dear President Bush,
I understand that you are looking for someone to replace Harriet Miers as your Supreme Court nominee. That's probably a good idea considering the hell that's going to break loose when the Judiciary Committee looks into her work at the Texas lottery and her financial dealings.
I suspect that you're experiencing some difficulty in finding someone as loyal and as experienced as Miers, but I think I've found you the perfect nominee, presidential trivia whiz kid Noah McCullough. He's already demonstrated his loyalty by helping out on your Social Security road shows and his grasp of constitutional law is equal to that possessed by Miers. More importantly, he seems to be the only person connected to your Administration who hasn't let Judith Miller fondle his aspens, so he might avoid being indicted next week.
I hope that you'll give him your full consideration.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
