The General and the State Security Apparatus

Lafayette points to a Dem Vet article about domestic spying by the Counterintelligence Field Activity (CIFA). CIFA's been reading Jesus' General for over a year (seriously, this is not a joke). I feel much safer knowing that.

I've always wondered if it was because I asked the government of Iran to fix a pothole in front of my house (again, I'm serious--it's the only reason I can think of for being on their radar). The timing's right. I first learned that CIFA was monitoring Jesus' General in the Spring of 2004.

Are they reading your blog too?

Update: Via Talk Left I've learned that Uncommon Thoughts also received visits from CIFA.

Update: links fixed.

Saluting the State Security Apparatus

This is the first of a series of posts honoring the men and not men of our State Security Apparatus. Today, we'll look at one of our nation's finest internal security services, the Federal'naya Sluzhba Okhrani (FPS). From the soles of their bloused combat boots to the top of their military-style caps, the black-uniformed officers of the Department of Homeland Security's preeminent security force strike fear in the hearts of our internal enemies.

While their work holding dissenters in special media-free zones at the National Republican Convention and the Second Inauguration of Our Leader is often celebrated, their daily service to our country goes largely unnoticed. The apprehension of Deborah Davis is an example of this.

On September 26th 2005, a state security agent was conducting a routine bus check of workday commuters when one passenger refused to present her papers for inspection. The passenger, Deborah Davis, erroneously complained that the act of traveling to work was not sufficient cause for the State to compel a person to present documents. Officers from the FPS were called to the scene. After Davis refused their continued demands to present her papers, the officers arrested her, freeing the other passengers to continue on with their officially sanctioned commute.

This is but one example of the important work Our Leader's night-clad sturmtruppen conduct everyday. Should you have the opportunity to meet them, please don't forget to thank them as you present your papers. They'll appreciate it.

A helmet tip to commenter Cheney, uncut.

Nuke the Brits

Although Our Leader does a great job defending our honor here (audio not work safe), I don't see how we can avoid war without looking weak.

A helmet tip to commenter boyturtle.

Reason for the Season

Celebrating Christmas in defiance of the secularists, Jews, and other guest-Americans who are out to destroy it.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Honoring Our Leader's tremendous sacrifice

Pamela Atlas Shrugs says it best:

G-d bless President Bush, holding himself out there for ridicule and vile hate so that we might be stay free.

Remember that the next time you hear a Frenchman call him Chimpy McGlowstick.

The Defense of Christmas begins today

By tradition, the celebration of our Savior's birth begins today. It is our sacred duty as Christians to ensure that the forces of secularism do nothing to soil it.

Today, as you worship our Lord at our nation's holiest retailers, listen closely to the store clerk's words. Should the clerk greet you with a "Merry Christmas," reach out and hug him in a firm, yet heterosexual, manner, but if the clerk calls out to you with the words "Happy Holidays," kick him in the naughty bits so as to cause pain approaching, yet not equivalent to, that associated with organ failure.

I created this holy card to remind you of the sacredness of this day. Please print it and carry it with you as you enter this first battle in the War Against Christmas.

To Fox News Channel and back

OK, I'll admit it. I didn't really want to change the name of this blog to Fox News Channel. The Chinese venture capitalists made me do it. They said it sounded sexier than Jesus' General.

I'm changing it back because no one's fondled their nipples in front of me yet. I thought Ofjoshua did it during Thanksgiving dinner, but she said she was just reaching for the mashed potatoes. Then my neighbor, Mr. Garcia, winked at her and they both started giggling. They're always doing that.

I bet they're giggling now. She took all of our dishes over to his place to wash them last night and hasn't returned. She likes to wash our plates over there because she says his pipe is bigger. I don't know about that. It sure seems to take a lot of time to wash dishes there.

Anyway, I'll probably have to return the $13.73 to the Chinese venture capitalists, so I may need to do a fundraiser here soon.

Jesus' General relaunched

After receiving $13.73 from Chinese venture capitalists, I've decided to relaunch Jesus' General with a new name, Fox News Channel. It is my hope that doing so will prompt people to fondle their nipples when they meet me.

A helmet tip to Crooks and Liars.

Oh, and Skippy too

Update: A few of you have alerted me to the fact that another organization already uses the name Fox News Channel. That's OK. I'm sure they'll gladly relinquish their rights once they realize that a blogger as manly and as heterosexual as myself has laid claim to their name.

Dorothy's revenge

The French dropped a house on a great American.

Thanksgiving Treat

The first 26 minutes of This Divided State are available for free at the producer's web site. Now, you can watch Kay Anderson, a true warrior for Jesus who grew up in a town with four whorehouses, as he battles to prevent Michael Moore from destroying the children of America's Family City.

You can buy the full DVD here.

And as long as I'm promoting things that won't make me a penny, check out Mike Tidmus' stuff. Man, he's talented. His blog's pretty darn good too.

I should also put in a plug for a couple of long time advertisers. Miss Poppy Dixon is the finest purveyor of Christian merchandise around. Her anti-masturbation gum is a godsend. If you're looking for an inexpensive holiday Christmas gift for a friend who shares the General's sensibilities, misspoppy.com is the place to go.

And don't forget Neighborhoodies. It's like blogging on your clothes.

In other film news, I'll be reviewing The God Who Wasn't There in the next few days. It looks interesting.

Update: I just finshed watching The God Who Wasn't There. Wow. Absolutely incredible. I'll post a full review soon.

Update: I ordered two of these after I learned about them from Sister Scorpion.

He's making a list (part II)

***EXCLUSIVE****

***Must credit to JESUS' GENERAL (Matt Drudge without the eggs)***

Tomorrow, Bob Woodward will reveal the following list of things Our Leader wants to bomb after he bombs Al Jazeera.

1. Spongebob Squarepants's pineapple under the sea.

2. Breathalizer Inc's corporate offices

3. Those Chinese doors

4. Sy Hersh's notebook

5. His Bicycle

6. Utz Pretzels

7. The bastard who gave Condi herpes

8. Websters Dictionary

9. A great big frog

10. Karl's mighty spatula of presidential discipline

The formidable law blogger meets the Dean of Corn

Formidable law blogger Ann Althouse is right. Frenchmen don't give a damn about ladies' rights. You can see the evidence for this every time you turn on the TV.

That anti-Alito ad you saw was funded by a liberal organization. They oppose the Alito nomination because they want women to remain burdened with the responsibilities that come with sole ownership of their uteri. Patriots, on the other hand, want to relieve them of that burden by reclaiming women's uteri as our rightful property. We want to free women from reproductive concerns so that they can devote more of their energies to homeschooling our menchildren and fixing us dinner.

That's called chivalry. You don't see much of that anymore in blue America, but it's still very much alive in the Heartland. One need look no further than to Rep. Jean Schmidt's congressional campaign to see it in action. It's said that her campaign manager, Joe Braun, has such a high regard for women that he'll not only pay their living expenses, he'll also give them free amateur gynecological exams and show them proper Dobson discipline when they're naughty.

Rep. Schmidt sure must think the world of him. She kept him on for her current campaign, even though he nearly lost her last one.

One has to wonder if it was his idea to have her call Congressman Murtha a coward. Maybe he felt she needed a little humiliation. That's the kind of patriachial guidance only a true conservative can provide.

A message from my inner Frenchman

Forgive me for interrupting, but for the last few hours I've been struggling with a post juxtaposing the Christian right's obsession with sexual morality and theocracy with their lack of concern about torture and murder. I can't finish. It's too painful to address satirically.

I've been in a funk for the last few weeks. I'm absolutely horrified by what my country has become. Corruption has replaced the rule of law. The media has sold its watchdog role for a few pieces of silver and invitations to the ruling class' cocktail parties. The owners in our ownership society are rigging the system to enslave the rest of the population through debt.

Worst of all, where we were once a nation that at least pretended to value human rights, we now celebrate torture and eagerly commit murder in the name of promoting freedom.

America has lost its soul.

Digby quotes Jason Vest:

"If you talk to people who have been tortured, that gives you a pretty good idea not only as to what it does to them, but what it does to the people who do it," he said. "One of my main objections to torture is what it does to the guys who actually inflict the torture. It does bad things. I have talked to a bunch of people who had been tortured who, when they talked to me, would tell me things they had not told their torturers, and I would ask, 'Why didn't you tell that to the guys who were torturing you?' They said that their torturers got so involved that they didn't even bother to ask questions." Ultimately, he said -- echoing Gerber's comments -- "torture becomes an end unto itself."

And adds his own commentary:

When Daniel Patrick Moynihan coined the phrase "defining deviancy down" he couldn't ever have dreamed that we would in a few short decades be at a place where torture is no longer considered a taboo. It certainly makes all of his concerns about changes to the nuclear family (and oral sex) seem trivial by comparison. We are now a society that on some official levels has decided that torture is no longer a deviant, unspeakable behavior, but rather a useful tool. It's not hidden. People publicly discuss whether torture is really torture if it features less than "pain equivalent to organ failure." People no longer instinctively recoil at the word --- it has become a launching pad for vigorous debate about whether people are deserving of certain universal human rights. It spirals down from there.

[...]

At this rather late stage in life, I'm realizing that the solid America I thought I knew may never have existed. Running very close, under the surface, was a frightened, somewhat hysterical culture that could lose its civilized moorings all at once. I had naively thought that there were some things that Americans would find unthinkable --- torture was one of them.

Billmon quotes the Observer:

Baghdad's Medical Forensic Institute - the mortuary - is a low, modern building reached via a narrow street. Most days it is filled with families of the dead. They come here for two reasons. One group, animated and noisy in grief, comes to collect its dead. The other, however, returns day after day to poke through the new cargoes of corpses ferried in by ambulance, looking for a face or clothes they might recognise. They are the relatives and friends of the 'disappeared', searching for their men. And when the disappeared are finally found, on the streets or in the city's massive rubbish dumps, or in the river, their bodies bear the all-too-telling signs of a savage beating, often with electrical cables, followed by the inevitable bullet to the head.

And Sy Hersh:

"Do you remember the right-wing execution squads in El Salvador?" the former high-level intelligence official asked me, referring to the military-led gangs that committed atrocities in the early nineteen-eighties. "We founded them and we financed them," he said. "The objective now is to recruit locals in any area we want. And we aren't going to tell Congress about it." A former military officer, who has knowledge of the Pentagon's commando capabilities, said, "We're going to be riding with the bad boys."

And provides his own perspective:

It's apparent -- both from this story and from reports by human rights groups (note the date on that one) -- that the U.S. and U.K. embassies have been aware for some time that Iraq's Ministry of the Interior has been turned into what the old National Guard used to be in El Salvador, or the Presidential Intelligence Unit in Guatemala, or the National Directorate of Investigation in Honduras, which is to say: death squad central.

[...]

Truly, to quote Leonard -- the psychotic recruit in Full Metal Jacket -- we are in a world of shit.

Let's not forget to revel in our God-like power to destroy cities with storms of fire and brimstone:

White phosphorus is a solid, waxy man-made chemical which ignites spontaneously at about 30C and produces an intense heat, bright light and thick pillars of smoke.

It continues to burn until deprived of oxygen and, if extinguished with water, can later reignite if the particles dry out and are exposed again to the air.

[...]

If particles of ignited white phosphorus land on a person's skin, they can continue to burn right through flesh to the bone. Toxic phosphoric acid can also be released into wounds, risking phosphorus poisoning.

Skin burns must be immersed in water or covered with wet cloths to prevent re-combustion until the particles can be removed.

Exposure to white phosphorus smoke in the air can also cause liver, kidney, heart, lung or bone damage and even death.

A former US soldier who served in Iraq says breathing in smoke close to a shell caused the throat and lungs to blister until the victim suffocated, with the phosphorus continuing to burn them from the inside.

Long-term exposure to lesser concentrations over several months or years may lead to a condition called "phossy jaw", where mouth wounds are caused that fail to heal and the jawbone eventually breaks down.

(Photo from Think Progress)

I can't bear the thought of my grandson living in the world these bastards are creating. We have to do all we can to defeat them.

What would Dr. Dobson do?

Jacob Sherman
Interim-Superintendent
Cleveland Independent School District
Cleveland, Texas

Dear Superintendent Sherman,

I don't understand why Diane Schauer is so angry. It appears that you followed the law when your staff beat her son so badly that he now requires muscle relaxers to sleep. She even admits that you sent her a note requesting permission to beat her child. Sure, she replied with the words, "Don't hit and whoop him," but she didn't understand that you only sent the note "as a courtesy" and that you'd apply your terrible instruments of discipline regardless of her response.

Have you considered taking advantage of the opportunity provided by this controversy? Perhaps you could create an adult education course to teach parents the meaning of the word "courtesy." Send them "beating permission slips" before the class begins, and then, after the first roll call, flog them like Dr. Dobson flogs his little Siggie regardless of whether they signed the permission slip or not. I can't think of a better way to learn the official newspeak meaning of words like "courtesy" and "consent."

Heck, by applying pain at levels only slightly less than that experienced during organ failure, you could turn the class into a civics course honoring the work of Texas's favorite son, George W. Bush.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The War on Christmas

I've added the Republican Jesus "Nothing honors the sacredness of my birthday more than the gift of a singing bass from Wal-Mart" t-shirt to the General's Stores.

His tenor "wang"

Sen. Bill Frist, MD
Majority Leader, United States Senate

Dear Sen. Frist,

Killing the resolution to honor Bruce Springsteen on the 30th anniversary of his album, Born to Run, was an inspired act--one that will certainly galvanize public opinion about the seriousness of your party's leadership--but, unfortunately, it's not enough. You need to twist the knife a little more by honoring one of his more conservative peers.

Just last year, you honored a Republican rocker whose commitment to the Second Amendment, traditional values, and the Iraq Phase of the Eternal Struggle to Resubjugate Brown People is without equal. Of course, I'm referring to the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent.

His paen to traditional female roles, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, will have its own 30 year anniversary soon. What better way to put the French-minded Springsteen in his place than by honoring Mr. Nugent and Wang Dang Sweet Poontang. Perhaps you, Sen. McConnell, Sen. Santorum, and Sen. Brownback could do a barbershop quartet version. I can almost hear it now as I write this note, each of you singing a word from the chorus, starting with your tenor "Wang" and ending with Brownbacks deep bass "Poontang."

Do it. You just can't lose with this one. It'll be bigger than Schiavo.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot