Lessons from Iraq

While much has been written about the lessons in freedom we're teaching the people of Iraq, the liberal media ignores the other half of the story, Christian conservatives are picking up witnessing tips from the Islamic fundamentalists we've put into power.

Brian Flemming, the director of the film, The God Who Wasn't There, received an email the other day from a god-fearing patriot who's mastered these new witnessing techniques:

You've definitely got some nerve. I'd love to take a knife, gut you fools, and scream with joy as your insides spill out in front of you. You are attempting to ignite a holy war in which some day I, and others like me, may have the pleasure of taking action like the above mentioned.

Read the whole email.

War On Christmas Canteen #7

Have a Very Values Christmas

Previous War on Christmas Canteen Carols

WOCC #1: Santa's Got That Ole TB

WOCC #2: Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas

WOCC #3: Billionaires for Bush carols and Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope

WOCC #4: Mr. Mojo's Christmas

WOCC #5: Santa's Got A Mullet

WOCC #6: Christmas With the Devil

Our new man in Iraq

Sen. Jeff Miller
Tennessee State Senate

Dear Sen. Miller,

You're a fighter. You didn't hide out in your office when your brother came out as a homosexual. Instead, you fought back by growing a beard, having an extra-marital affair, and sponsoring legislation to institutionalize discrimination against homosexuals. It was a smart move--no one would ever expect a bearded, homophobic, philanderer of being anything other than heterosexual.

I'm glad to hear that you haven't stopped fighting. You aren't letting the Bradley News Weekly get away with publishing an article that embarrassed you. While it may have upset your wife when you brought your girlfriend (the other woman) with you to sign your divorce settlement papers, the newspaper was wrong to point out the irony of an activist Christian politician doing such a thing. Your bullying of their advertisers is completely justified. They deserve to be threatened by a public official. It will teach them to respect the power of the state.

You showed a lot of character by the way you handled these situations. You also demonstrated a skill set that would be very useful in the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People.

You've probably read some of the stories about how we're teaching the Iraqis about freedom by bribing their press. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out very well. Iyad Allawi's humiliating defeat in the recent elections is proof of that. Bribing the press was a huge waste of money.

We need to do something different. We need to start threatening the journalists rather than bribing them, and with your recent experience, I think you're the perfect man for the job.

You will like it in Iraq. You'll feel right at home now that the Shia religious parties are in control. After all, they too grew beards and persecuted homosexuals to prove their heterosexuality.

Now that you're free, you might also consider marrying that girlfriend of yours. You can have sex then. I think you'll like that too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Pass your values onto Jr.

War On Christmas Canteen #6

Here's another carol that serves as a warning for what might befall our nation if we don't succeed against the Christmas Commies. I hope I never live to see a Spinal Tap...

Christmas With The Devil

Short Clip

Extended Version (Available for a short time only)

Previous War on Christmas Canteen Carols

WOCC #1: Santa's Got That Ole TB

WOCC #2: Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas

WOCC #3: Billionaires for Bush carols and Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope

WOCC #4: Mr. Mojo's Christmas

WOCC #5: Santa's Got A Mullet

The General ♥ JP

Thank you JP for the Walmart documentary. It's fantastic. I love it.

Be it Resolved. Jesus was a Republican

Rep. Eric Crafton
Nashville Metro Council

Dear Mr. Crafton,

Although I'm sure you meant well, I'm very disappointed with your resolution declaring Jesus to be "an actual man." You could have done so much more. You could have declared him to be a Republican.

Is it possible under your charter to amend such resolutions once they've passed? If so, you still have an opportunity to make it all that it can be by adding the following language after the second "whereas:"

WHEREAS, The Prince of Peace was always the first to yell "traitor" whenever someone questioned whether Samaria really had weapons of mass destruction;

WHEREAS, The Redeemer supported the Pharisees' domestic spying and torture programs;

WHEREAS, the Son of God's faith in crucifixion's value as a deterrent never wavered;

WHEREAS, Jehovah taught that the best way to help the poor was to provide handouts to the rich;

WHEREAS, Our Savior exercised his Second Amendment rights as a lifetime member of the Judea Slingshot Association;

WHEREAS, The Lord was 110% heterosexual regardless of all of the remarks about his batchelorhood;

WHEREAS, Emmanuel patrolled the Assyrian border to keep the Mexicans out;

WHEREAS, Jesus Christ worked tirelessly for the passage of Proposition IX, the "Tax the Lepers" measure, in the election of 29 AD;

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED...

That's about all I can come up with right now, but you get the idea. Please let me know if I can be of further help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Rep. Crafton Replies

From: "Eric Crafton"
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Subject: RE: Christmas resolution
Date: Thu, 22 Dec 2005 08:38:01 -0700

Have a Merry Christmas.

The General Responds

From: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
To: "Eric Crafton"

And a Merry Christmas to you as well.

Hopefully, this will be the Christmas where we come up with a final solution to the Hanukkah problem.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

War On Christmas Canteen #5

The greatest challenge Yuletide Warriors face is that it's hard for the average God-fearing Christian to identify with our most sacred Christmas icon, Santa Clause. Think about it. How many of your peers dress like the pope and prefer the company of little people? Santa is just way too Catholic for the Heartland.

We need to change that image, and tonight's hymn is a good start.

Santa's Got a Mullet

Short Clip

Extended Version (Available for a short time only)

Previous War on Christmas Canteen Carols

WOCC #1: Santa's Got That Ole TB

WOCC #2: Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas (Last day to hear the extended version)

WOCC #3: Billionaires for Bush carols and Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope

WOCC #4: Mr. Mojo's Christmas

Going to CIFA's boss

Stephen A. Cambone
Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence

Dear Mr. Cambone,

I had hoped that I could resolve the following problem without involving you, but unfortunately, the Counter Intelligence Field Activity (CIFA) has chosen to ignore my correspondence. Now it's time to take my issues up with their boss.

CIFA has been reading my blog, Jesus' General, for at least a year and a half. Although, I don't usually ask readers to compensate me--their kind words, prayers, comments, and patronage are payment enough--CIFA presents a special case. As a part of the Department of Defense, they have all kinds of funding available to spread around to Our Leader's supporters--heck, they gave MZM millions, and from what I can tell, that company does little more than buy houses at super-inflated rates from congressmen.

I didn't ask CIFA for much, just a Zenith P60W26P 60" Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV and a Sony DAV-FX100W Wireless Home Theater Dream System with all of the accessories for each. I even put both items on my Amazon Wish List for CIFA's convenience. Now, it's three weeks later, the TV and sound system are still sitting there unpurchased, and I haven't heard a thing from CIFA.

This is no way to run a war against internal dissent. You certainly won't have many people championing your domestic spying initiatives if you treat all of your supporters like this. George Will has already jumped ship. Have you considered the possibility that Will's defection might have been avoided had someone sent him a Zenith P60W26P 60" Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV and a Sony DAV-FX100W Wireless Home Theater Dream System with all of the accessories for each?

I'm not there yet, but I'm close. CIFA owes me, dammit, and I'm ready to collect.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

War on Christmas Canteen #4

Today, I present a cautionary tale I heard from a filthy old vagrant by the name of Mr. Mojo Risin who was playing songs for quarters at a Paris subway station. The story he told me that day still sends shivers up my spine.

Take warning my friends. This is what Christmas will become should our sacred cause fail.

Mr. Mojo's Christmas

Short Clip

Extended Version (Available for a short time only)

Previous War on Christmas Canteen Carols

WOCC #1: Santa's Got That Ole TB (Last day to hear the extended version)

WOCC #2: Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas (May be the last day to hear the extended version)

WOCC #3: Billionaires for Bush carols and Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope

The General ♥ John from Casper...

...in a way so heterosexual, I'm picturing you as looking like Jan Crouch without the mustache.

Thanks for the Foo Fighters CD and the other unidentified thing that is on backorder. I know it seems like I'm always responding to these things in the same way, but that's because my reaction to receiving these gifts never changes. It amazes and touches me that someone would like my stuff enough to send me cool things.

Thanks again, and Happy Holidays.

Fox Carolina: News that Right and White

Paul Karpowicz
President, Meredith Broadcasting Group

Dear Mr. Karpowicz,

I want to be the first to congratulate you for what I assume was your decision to embrace white supremacy as an editorial perspective. Your first effort, a WHNS "Fox Carolina" piece (Commenter Dayv made a screencap before Fox Carolina removed the story) on Stormfront.org, was fantastic. It certainly convinced me that Stormfront is as mainstream as Young Americans for Freedom, the College Republicans, or GOPUSA.

I don't think Stormfront has ever had more positive coverage. Fox Carolina was right to forgo any discussion of Jamie Kelso's close ties to David Duke. The "Charles Lindbergh fan" angle works much better.

The same is true for how they profiled Bob Whitaker. Certainly, his brief career in the Reagan Administration is more important to viewers than the many years he's worked to end the sin of race mixing.

I can't wait to see what you come up with next. Will it be a sweeps week series on the lust brown people have for white women? Or will you tackle the problem of Jewish control of the banking industry first?

Hey, I've got it. Why not a nightly segment providing do-it-yourself tips for white Americans. Subjects could range from "lynching on a budget" to "restoring that snow white glow to your hand-me-down klan robes." You could call it "Happy Hints with Helmut and Helga." Think about the synergy you could generate for your company's magazines, Better Homes and Gardens and Ladies Home Journal.

I'd be glad to help you develop this idea further. Please send me an email if you're interested.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

cc:
KyAnn Lewis, News Director, Fox Carolina
Art Slusark, Corporate Communications
Linda Eggerss, Broadcast Group Communications
Meredith Corporation, Ethics Office

A tip of the old helmet to commenter Tom of Daai Tou Laam Diary.

Update: Commenter quarsan of Blairwatch found this post by Mr. Kelso at Stormfront:

Thumbs up Re: Bob Whitaker & Jamie Kelso in Fox TV Show About Stormfront.org Nov. 9, 2005
Thanks to all for the positive assessments of this Stormfront.org interview with Fox TV. The Fox TV Carolina staff was very professional and made it easy for Bob and me.

One detail that I forgot (until just yesterday) was to unmoderate our new Stormfront Member, FOXSC, so that Fox could post more easily on Stormfront. We've also got Fox5News and Fox-News as Stormfront Members.

We have met the enemy...

Blessed are the Chekists

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives (However, I'm way behind in my archiving).

My grandson's first cartoon

My six year old grandson, JC3, saw my inner Frenchman working on his Republican Jesus cartoon tonight and asked him what he was doing. "I'm making a cartoon about the President," IF replied. "Can I make a cartoon about the president too?," JC3 asked. "Sure," IF responded, "what do you want it to look like?"

The cartoon below was created exactly to his specifications, without any prompting from anyone.

Now, do I report both my inner Frenchman and my grandson to the State Security Apparatus?

War on Christmas Canteen #3

Ivana Moore-Enmoore of the Billionaires for Bush, Boston Chapter sends her best to our Christmas commandos with these B4B classics. Be sure to check out her personal favorite, Toys For The World.

And here's one The General likes to sing when he holds "Support Our Christmas Soldiers" rallies in the schools:

Santa Doesn't Cop Out on Dope

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Extended Version (Available for a short time only)

Previous War on Christmas Canteen hymns

WOCC #1: Santa's Got That Ole TB

WOCC #2: Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas

Fox's Fifth Column

It looks like Mr. O'Reilly needs to fire-up his Terrible Falafel of Discipline and root out the disloyal bastard in Fox's publicity department who's sending out these Christmas cards.

Defending our values, brutally

President George W. Bush
United States of America

Dear President Bush,

Back in the mid eighties, I attended a lecture by Vladimir Posner, a Soviet journalist/KGB agent who was making appearances all across the country touting Mikhail Gorbachev's new policy of openness. Americans looked upon Glasnost suspiciously at that time. Many patriots thought it might be a trick to lull us into dropping our guard. I certainly thought so then and continue to believe so today.

I decided that I'd try to trip him up during the Q&A, so I asked him to comment on a report that Gorbachev had denounced Khrushchev and praised Stalin during a speech to the Communist Party Central Committee. Posner replied that Americans were too hard on Stalin. He said, "How do you turn an agricultural society into an industrial one in less than twenty years? You do it brutally."

I was reminded of that today as I thought about how you've set yourself free from the constraints of the Constitution and federal law so that you could wiretap and spy on American citizens. You seem to understand Stalin. You know how important harmony is to society and you'll go to any length, including placing yourself above the law, to achieve it.

As you know, one of the greatest threats America faces is the deterioration of our commitment to traditional family values. It's every bit as great a threat to our national security as the distribution of Mao's Little Red Book to college students. We need to oppose it with every means at our disposal.

My neighborhood is currently under assault by those who are trying to undermine our nation by attacking our traditional family values. I hope we can use your new extra-legal power to provide us with cover as we do what must be done to defend our community.

You see, Mr Garcia, the neighbor across the street, often stands in front of his large picture window wearing nothing but a pair of extremely tight bicycling shorts. Nothing is left to the imagination. His unnaturally large manly bulge of glory draws every eye in the neighborhood, tempting its beholders with demonic invitations to engage in acts of unspeakable depravity.

We've tried everything we can think of to put an end to it. Even my wife, Ofjoshua, spends much of her day over there unsuccessfully trying to convince Mr. Garcia to end this practice. Nothing's worked.

It's time to take it up a level by beating Mr. Garcia and burning down his house. I'm hoping that we can get your support to do so. Inasmuch as you are not bound by any constitutional or legal restraints, you could grant us the authority to commit this assault and arson on your behalf in the name of national security.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

War on Christmas Canteen #2

As we enter into the final week of battle, let us pause for a moment and reflect upon the importance of our struggle. I chose today's War on Christmas Canteen hymn specifically for that purpose. It praises the very values for which we are so desperately fighting.

Let's Put Christ Back Into Christmas

Short Clip

Extended Version
(Due to limited storage space, the extended version will be available only for a few days.)

Presidential Prerogative

As much as I'm always going on about patriotism, one might think that I'd be upset by this report from MJS, but if it comes to making a choice between the Constitution and Our Leader, I'll smile and give the Annointed One a heartfelt straight-armed salute. That's what it means to be a conservative in today's faith-based America.

The War To End Dissent goes Hollywood

Disgusted in St Louis has the poster and My Left Wing brings us The Wizard of Oil.

War on Christmas Canteen #1

While the General wholeheartedly supports both the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People and the War Against Internal Dissent, I sometimes worry that these great conflicts distract us from another struggle of equal importance--the War on Christmas.

Sure, we do our part. We send Christmas newsletters to our friends. We erect nativity scenes in our yards, carefully replacing the brown wiseman, Balthazar, with Santa so that we don't encourage the celebration of Kwanzaa. But seldom do we do anything for those who are actually fighting the war, the thousands of men and not men who are taking the battle to school boards and shopping malls across this great land.

The Christmas War Canteen is for them.

From now until Christmas, we'll post a new Christmas hymn here each day to lift the spirits of these valiant yuletide warriors and to remind us what they're fighting for.

We'll post two versions of each hymn, a short one for those with dial-up connections and an extended version for the rest of us. Given, my limited storage space, the extended versions will be removed a few days after they're posted, so listen to them early.

Now, please allow me to present our first hymn, that tubercular honky tonk standard, Santa's Got That Ole TB.

Complete Song

Short Clip