Mrs. Malkin's Fantasy Camp

Carlos M. Gutierrez
Secretary of Commerce

Dear Sec. Gutierrez,

Although, like Our Leader, I'm a big fan of outsourcing jobs to foreigners, I believe that there are some things that can be done more efficiently here at home. One of those things is interrogation by boiling. Don't get me wrong. President Karimov's doing a bang up job boiling people for us (graphic photos); I just think we can do it more cleaply.

It can't be cheap to fly our kidnapped prisoners to Uzbekistan on chartered flights, and although Uzbek people-boilers are likely paid Wal-Mart janitorial level wages, it's still more than we need to pay. I don't think we'd have to compensate American people-boilers at all. In fact, many of my fellow patriots would pay for an opportunity to cook a few brown people.

I'm thinking along the lines of a people-boiling fantasy camp. We charge a few thousand dollars for a camper to work at the boiling center for a week. For an extra fee, we could give them an actual bronzed foot to take home as a souvenir.

I bet Michelle Malkin would pay for the opportunity to run it--she's a big fan of concentration camps. That would cut the overhead even more.

I'll need a little start-up money for Pajama Media ads to reach our target audience. Maybe you could help me get one of those Hurricane Katrina small business loans.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Drudge readers hail from the Heartland

Or at least they support traditional Heartland values. Cathy from Canada, a place where everyone is a foreigner, provides proof via an E&P story.

From E&P:

After reviewing the number of hits top local stories at his newspaper's Web site got in 2005, Seattle Times columnist Danny Westneat concludes today, "As I look back at the year in news, it's clear I should have focused more on people having sex with horses."

[...]

E&P also ran a Web story on the horse incident last summer, focusing, of course, on how the local press handled this seamy story, and it, too, proved to be massively popular. But as with the Seattle Times' No. 1 piece -- and unmentioned in Westneat's column -- the major reason for the traffic spike was a link on the outrageously popular Drudge Report Web site.

In other words, this was not our core audience -- and in the case of the Seattle paper, not their core audience either.

By their works...

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives (However, I'm way behind in my archiving).

Our Leader is really smart

David Milch, the man behind HBO's Deadwood, said so on IFC's Dinner for Five (mp3 file).

Our Leader is really smart (part II)

American Blog Party quotes Our Leader:

I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.

Enemy of the State

The mother of the man who was boiled for our freedom (graphic photos) complained. Now, she's doing time for that crime.

A prosecutor in Uzbekistan demanded a six-year prison sentence on Wednesday for the mother of a Muslim dissident killed in jail in a case her lawyer says is an attempt by the authorities to silence her protests. Fatima Mukadyrova, a 62-year-old former grocery vendor, has spent more than a year demanding punishment for the killers of her son, who she said was murdered during torture in prison.

[...]

Last year, Mukadyrova displayed post-mortem photographs of her son. His teeth were smashed, his fingers were stripped of nails and his body had been cut, bruised and scalded. Prison officials at the Jaslik jail in the west of the former Soviet republic said Avazov had died in a fight with other inmates who threw hot tea on him.

The judge says Mukadyrova is accused of "setting up an underground cell of women propagating Hizb ut-Tahrir ideas". Hizb ut-Tahrir aims to set up a pan-Islamic state run by religious law.

Proud to be an American

The story.

What Our Leader hath wrought (caution: graphic photos of the result of our outsourced interrogation work).

Karimov, Our Leader, His manservant Colin, and that old, curmudgeonly exterminator at DOD hanging out at the Memory Hole.

The Documents (mirrored)

Telegrams

Legal Advice to the British Foreign Office.

He wears red for a reason

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

Although Brian Kilmeade's interview with the White House Santa was very enlightening, he failed to take advantage of all the opportunities the interview presented. Mr. Kilmeade started out right by asking about White House Santa's political affiliation, but he failed to follow up when the stern old administration elf replied that he was a Republican and then pointed to his medals for courage as proof of his GOP bona fides.

That's one heck of a bomb for Santa, the White House variety or otherwise, to drop without any further probing. I can think of hundreds of followup questions that Mr. Kilmeade should have asked, questions like: isn't it time to do something to change the traditional Santa's socialistic presents-for-all-good-children giving model? Will the White House Santa promote an ownership society by taking toys from middle-class and poor children and giving them to the more deserving children of the wealthy. Is he willing to plant listening devices for the State Security Apparatus while he's delivering his gifts? Has he ever used his sleigh to conduct an extraordinary rendition?

Mr. Kilmeade's interview raised many more questions than it answered. Perhaps you should consider a airing a series of hour long specials so that the public can hear what White House Santa is planning now that he's decided to be political.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The General ♥ Allison from Oakland...

...but not in the same way OfJoshua loves the milkman, the plumber, or Mr. Garcia.

Wow, that's timing. I write about Ali G and his first season CD arrives the next day. Thank you Allison! You now have the key to my command vehicle.

And thank you John from the Cowboy State too.

I finally received the second half of your order, The Slackers' International War Criminal. I've wanted that CD since I saw the video of their song, Propaganda, on one of the This Divided State DVD bonus tracks.

BTW, the first 26 minutes of the award-winning documentary, This Divided State, are available for viewing here.

He guarded Jenna's chastity; now let him guard Route Irish

Henry Hager
Office of the Secretary
U.S. Department of Commerce

Dear Mr. Hager,

From what I've read, you're a fine young man, the kind of young man that our nation's children should look to as a role model. Your life hasn't been easy. With all the road blocks erected by political correctness and affirmative action programs, it's become very difficult for a white, upper class, conservative Christian man like yourself to make your mark on the world. A look at all of the trials through which you've suffered is proof of that, yet you've prevailed.

I can't imagine how humiliating it must have been for you, a tobacco heir and the son of a lieutenant governor, to, upon graduation from college, be forced to first work as a White House intern before being given the job of representing the Secretary of Commerce at important inter-agency meetings. It's almost like class doesn't matter anymore.

Still, you took it all in stride and performed your lowly White House duties with dignity. Now you're in a position to do even greater things, and I'm not only referring to your vigilant guardianship of the first daughter's virginity. I believe that there is something even more important that you can do for your country--you can serve it as a military officer in Iraq.

Certainly, as a true, patriotic conservative and a man whose loyalty to Our Leader is without question--after all He trusts you with His greatest treasure, Jenna's chastity--you understand the importance of our struggle in Iraq. You may also be aware that our military is suffering from a recruitment crisis. They need bright, educated men like yourself.

Your country is calling you. Hear its pleas and volunteer for military duty in Iraq.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Crossposted to Operation Yellow Elephant.

The valueless French

I see that the Frenchman of the Freeways is going after Our Leader again. This time he's hanging signs saying "impeach." Doesn't he understand that Our Leader has taken the authority he needs to spy on us, deny us habeas corpus, propagandize us, and use torture as an investigative tool. Screw the Fourth Amendment, the Torture Convention, and the FISA, propaganda, and torture laws. He's a Republican President, dammit, and he can do what he pleases. It's not like he received oral sex from some bimbo in the Oval Office.

And I won't even mention his heretical Christmas card.

As long as I'm mentioning Ali G

A few weeks back, one of Ali G's partners made the front page of the International Herald Tribune. It seems that Borat Sagdiyev, the sixth most famous person in Kazakhstan, has fallen out of favor with his government. His problems with Kazakh authorities began in November when he hosted the MTV Europe Awards. After accusing Madonna of being a drag queen, insulting Uzbekistan, and bringing a drunken Kazakh Airlines pilot onto the stage, Borat angered his nation's president by touting his country's recent civil rights progress:

Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hat and age of consent has been raised to 8 years old.

President Nursultan A. Nazarbayev, demonstrating the same respect for democratic values that prompted him to sign Kazakhstan on as a member of the Coalition of the Willing, responded by ordering the Association of IT Companies of Kazakhstan to revoke Borat's website license.

The Kazakh government is also threatening to sue Sasha Baron Cohen, an actor who they claim plays the part of Borat. Borat disputes the charge saying, "In response to Mr. Ashikbayev's comments, I like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen. I support my government's decision to sue this Jew."

Borat is perhaps best know in the US for his reports on American culture in which he shares photos with couple of Mississippi gentlemen showing him having sex with his sister, leads a group of enthusiastic Nashville patriots in a rousing chorus of an old Kazakh classic, "Throw the Jew Down the Well*," and campaigns with Republican congressional candidate James Broadwater, sparking exchanges like this:

Broadwater: I'm running for United States Congress in District 2.

Borat: He is a strong man. He will crush his opponents and he will be powerful like Stalin and not tolerate people who are bad.

Broadwater: Well, actually, I wouldn't compare myself to Stalin ...

Borat: Will you vote for my friend?

Woman: Well, I probably will, but I don't ever tell people who I vote for before I vote.

Borat: If you do not vote for him, he will take power!

Woman: Well, it depends on whether he gets enough votes or not.

Borat: I will not leave until you swear on the eyes of your child that you will vote for him

See the complete video at One Good Move.

A recent rodeo appearance may have changed the way patriots think about Borat. The crowd was with him when he praised the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People saying:

I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards. And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq.

But he lost them when he sang the national anthem, changing the final words to "home of the grave." Witnesses report that mobs of cowboys nearly killed him.

*I couldn't get the video to work in my Firefox client, but it works in IE. I encourage you to load up IE so you can see it. It's unbelievable. The patriotic bar patrons really get into singing the chorus.

The General ♥ Andre from San Diego...

...in a very heterosexual and slightly suspicious way because his name sounds French.

Thanks for the Curb Your Enthusiasm 3rd Season DVD. I love it.

Some of the greatest television ever aired appears on Sunday nights on HBO and Curb Your Enthusiasm does its part in making it so. Now if they'd add Arrested Development and air a new season of Ali G, I'd be a pretty damned happy General as far as comedy goes.

I don't know what's up with HBO right now. No new episodes of their Sunday comedy or dramatic series have aired since November and none are scheduled for January. Isn't it time for The Wire? Do we have to wait until March when the final Sopranos season begins?

Thanks again, Andre.

The Post and Senator Miller

The Washington Post picked up the Jeff Miller story that the General and Femmes De Guérillero Du Tennessee wrote about last week.

Intelligent Denial (or Defeating marriage's greatest enemy, Louis Pasteur)

William A. Dembski
Director, The International Society for Complexity, Information, and Design

Dear Mr. Dembski,

One of the biggest hurdles we face in selling Intelligent Design to a more rational public is its remoteness to their everyday lives. Although the Book of Genesis provides all the proof our base needs to embrace ID, it's just not enough for our reality-based brethren and non-brethren. I believe that your recent work with Lubavitcher ID proponents may provide us with what we need to change that.

How many times has your wife angrily confronted you for exposing her to a certain species of louse that is commonly associated with unclean persons of rather dubious moral character? I think we've all been there, haven't we. Well, your Lubavitcher colleagues provide us with the perfect response:

The issue with spontaneously generated worms is very simple. True, experiments do allow for following the process through which a worm [larva] develops from an egg. And, when there are also explanations for the process of how these eggs were laid, that allows for the conclusion that these specific worms were created through a reproductive process. However, when eggs found in rot are identified as belonging to a specific species of worm, and the worms found there also bear signs of belonging to that species, that in no way proves that it is impossible for these worms to have appeared without the eggs, through spontaneous generation.

Thus we have an answer that will instantly end our wives' angry queries. If the Intelligent Designer can cause worms to spontaneously generate, surely He can do the same for the lowly crab louse.

That, my friend, is how we make ID relevant to everyone.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: I think we can all agree with Catholic Jackson's attached report to the General even if he or non-he is a papist.

Three ex-wives, seven kids, and a letterman jacket

Herc Palmquist
Head Administrator, Principal, and Head Football Coach
Texas Christian High School

Dear Coach Palmquist,

I guess I can't blame the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools for suspending you from participating in their State Six Man Football Playoffs. After all, telling your players that their game had been canceled and then replacing them with bearded and tattooed adults was bad enough, but to then lose the game 28-18 is simply unforgivable.

Perhaps the next time you're tempted to do something like this, you should ask yourself, "what would Jesus do?" I think the answer would be that he'd find a better way to game the system. He might contact Nightlight Christian Adoptions and offer to enroll a few of their snowflake embryos into Texas Christian High. Then when football season came around, he'd suit the little blastocyst-Americans up.

Think about it. You'd never lose another game. There isn't a Christian or Parochial High School anywhere that would allow their football team to play against a bunch of frozen fetuses. That'd be worse than stem cell research.

TAPPS couldn't do anything about it. The little blastocyst-Americans would be legally enrolled and below the maximum age requirements. Certainly, no one would dare say they weren't really children.

I hope you'll consider it. Like I said, I bet it's what Jesus would do, and I'm sure Karl Rove would do it too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Merry Christmas

Happy Hanukkah, Blessed Be, Happy Solstice, and have a joyous Kwanzaa.

Thank you readers for allowing me to share something I enjoy doing with you, and thank you commenters for being the best there is in all of Bloganistan. Those who don't read the comments are missing the best part of this blog.

Less painful than a crucifix

Confederate Yankee
Free Republic Poster

Dear Mr. Yankee,

My reaction was similar to yours when I saw what Google returns for the phrase "baby Jesus [probably not work safe]." "Certainly," I thought, "those rotten bastards at Google intentionally designed their algorithms to mock our Lord." But after thinking and praying about it for awhile, I've come to the conclusion that we're seeing God's hand at work here.

Think about it. If Jesus blesses us by appearing on shower doors and grilled cheese sandwiches, why shouldn't He place His visage on a butt plug? And shouldn't we feel blessed that our Savior loves his children so much that he wants to get intimately close to us?

And how many times have you watched someone like Bill O'Reilly defending Our Leader for one of his many non-mistakes, non-lies, or non-criminal acts when suddenly he brings our Lord into the argument? After seeing him do it, haven't you ever thought, "O'Reilly sure pulled Jesus out of his ass for that one." Well, maybe that's exactly what he did.

I don't know about you, but I'm ordering one of these. It certainly looks a lot less painful than my crucifix.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ole helmet to Lambert of Corrente Wire.

Update: I don't think Confederate Yankee truely loves the Confederacy. He removed Earl's comment about his love for his Robert E Lee butt plug, an appliance so good, it made his south rise again.

Meme of Four

Escrocs et Menteurs sent me this here Four Meme thing. He caught it from LacDogDuFeu.

Four jobs you've had in your life: street preacher**, arm rest assembler for the La-Z-Boy chair company*, silo cleaner for U&I Sugar* (you undermine columns of solid sugar with a pick axe, and then quickly escape through a small hatchway when the column begins to collapse); chicken sexer.

Four movies you could watch over and over: I was a Communist for the FBI, The Fountainhead (The greatest comedy ever), I Married a Communist, The Green Berets.

Four places you've lived: Elwood, UT; Tremonton, UT; Deweyville, UT; Garland, UT.

Four TV shows you love to watch: Dragnet, The Englebert Humperdink Show, Hee Haw, Benny Hinn.

Four places you've been on vacation: Wellsville, UT where they unashamedly celebrate the "Battle of the Bear River" on Founders Day; the Box Elder County Jail*; Malad, ID; Manti, UT.

Four websites you visit daily: Escrocs et Menteurs, Lafayette, L'Homme De Calmar, L'ÂneDuCheval

Four of your favorite foods: Frito Pie, Meat, Pork Rinds, Cheetos.

Four places you'd rather be: Wrestling Dick Cheney Spartan-style at a Promisekeepers rally, giving firearms training to Blastocyst-Americans, Double dating with Bill O'Reilly, a speaker phone, and two women we randomly choose by shooting a phone book, standing at a urinal next to Ann Coulter.

I'm passing off to Tristement Non.

*I really did this.
**I was going to put lamb castrater--another job I really had--here, but I couldn't find a link that accurately described how we did it (using our teeth.) It's the fastest, safest, most humane way to castrate a lamb, and the only way to do it if you're castrating hundreds of them in a day. Sometime, I'll have to write about how my uncle made a couple of dirt bikers puke when they stumbled across our operation.