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Sunday, April 30, 2006

They're fighting the war by becoming Tekes.

Laszlo Varju
President, Loyola College Republicans

Dear Mr. Varju,

I had high hopes for the Loyola College Republicans when I learned that you had been elected their president. I'm sure a lot of us did. After all, you were moved so much by the terrorist attacks on our shores, you stood up and issued the following challenge to other young men your age:

Can you become a Brother of Tau Kappa Epsilon? Do you think you have what it takes to be a Teke?

Unfortunately, your fellow college Republicans needed much more than that single, testosterone-fueled challenge to turn them into true stormtroopers for the New American Century, and you failed to provide it to them. Nothing exemplifies this failure more than the fiasco that occurred during Ann Coulter's recent speech at Loyola.

Loyola College Republicans stood silent when a soldier's mother mockingly requested that Ms. Coulter escort your membership to the nearest Marine recruiting station. Not a single one of them stood up and declared, "I'm a Teke, dammit."

And why did Ms. Coulter have to challenge your members' manhood by screaming "You're men. You're heterosexuals. Take 'em out" before any of you rose from your seats to attack the Frenchmen heckling her?

If you can't be trusted to fight our domestic enemies here at home, you hardly deserve the military exemption that is your birthright. You might as well be fighting alongside the working class men and women we're sending to Iraq.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Crossposted to Operation Yellow Elephant Blog

Amazon and the Dixie Chicks

My Amazon reviews must have been too manly for the masses. Amazon switched to a forum. Here's what I have to say about the Dixie Chicks' new album, Taking The Long Way (you can buy it, here):

They ruined it for me

I listened to that "Not Ready To Make Nice" song on this album, and I loved it. I thought it was great. But it'll be a cold day in Tupelo before I buy anything from the Chicks. They ruined my "little soldier."

It's a rather convoluted story, but if you'll bear with me, I'll tell you the whole thing. Perhaps then, you'll understand why I can't support the Dixie Chicks.

I'd had problems getting Private Johnson to stand at attention ever since I read the Starr Report. My disgust at such depravity--little presidents and ladies' mouths coming together in such a lustful, non-Republican way--was so great, it caused my little soldier to go virtually AWOL.

That all changed when I saw Our Leader wearing his pilot outfit on "Mission Accomplished Day." For the first time in years, Private Johnson stood at attention and saluted.

I spent a lot more time with my little soldier after that. I even put together a little routine. I'd take out my George W. Bush action figure; meditate on his Mighty Bulge of Imperial Domination for a few minutes; and then, begin removing the uniform while listening to a Dixie Chick's song. Usually the intro was enough, but sometimes Private Johnson had to hear the first couple of words of the song before he'd fire his tribute to Our Leader.

It all ended on the day when that Maines Chick committed speech-treason against The Chosen One. My little soldier went AWOL again. I tried varying my routine by replacing the Chicks with Toby Keith and a dramatic reading by Ron Silver, but nothing helped. Private Johnson just lays there, unwilling to rise to his general's call.

That's what the Chicks did to me. That's why I won't buy this album.

Update: The General appreciates the Blah3 Prayer-Team's prayers.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Unintended Consequences

Rep. G. Ralph Davenport, Jr.
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Davenport,

It's hard for a conservative state legislature to get any attention these days. I mean with Rick Santorum titillating the public with tales of forbidden man-dog love, Michelle Malkin endorsing concentration camps, and Ann Coulter commanding her patriotic Yellow Elephant Sturmtruppen to beat up dissenters, it's hard to come up with an idea outrageous enough to spark public interest. But I think you might have something with your bills to outlaw dildoes and send drug law violators to foreign prisons. Certainly, these bills will get you all the attention you deserve.

But as great as these bills sound, I have to wonder if they might have some unintended consequences you may not have considered. That's especially true now that Rush Limbaugh has been arrested for a drug crime and Director of Central Intelligence Porter Goss is rumored to be a guy who likes lobbyist-sponsored coke and harlot parties.

Doing time in foreign prisons isn't easy. They're very violent places, almost as bad as Guantanamo or our secret Eastern European prisons. Rush isn't going to like it. The only thing he has to look forward to is the prospect of having a glowstick violently shoved up his ass, something he once called a "harmless fraternity prank" and a fun thing fratboys did to blow off a little steam.

My concern is that the G. Ralph Davenport, Jr Dildo Elimination Act of 2006 might catch on in some of these countries where we're sending drug violators like Rush. If that happens, glowsticks used for these kinds of "fraternity pranks" might be considered to be so dildo-like in use that they would become prohibited items. What would Rush have to look forward to then?

That's why I think you should amend G. Ralph Davenport, Jr Dildo Elimination Act of 2006 to allow for dildo-like objects used to sodomize drug violators in prisons. And while you're at it, you might want to amend the G. Ralph Davenport, Jr Drug Violator Torture Act of 2006 to include violent criminals as well. Sure, drug violators are worse, but heck, why not throw in murderers while you're at it. Just be careful to keep the exemption for white-collar criminals. We can't have the House Republican Caucus meeting in a Turkish prison. It wouldn't be seemly. The Turks sing their anthem in a foreign language.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Old timey music gets seditious

You expect Francophiles like Pink, Neal Young, Merle Haggard, and the Dixie Chicks to write seditious songs about Our Leader, but when Norman and Nancy Blake, the king and queen of old timey music, pen a song of treason, our nation is in a lot of trouble.

Hear it here.

They're selling it here. Commie bastards.

Don't be Afraid of the Neo-cons
Norman and Nancy Blake

And away down yonder in the Florida sand
Old Jeb Bush is a mighty man
He told little brother, don't be blue
For I'ma gonna hand this thing to you

The churches all got on board
In the Holy name of our Lord
They took him for their favorite son
And they sent him away to Washington

Now Georgie Bush, he is the man
He landed in Afghanistan
We'll get Osama, was his crack
And now we're stranded in Iraq

He told ole' Rumsfeld on the green
Now you're the best I've ever seen
Just heed my words and you'll go far
And help me win my daddy's war

O' Cheney lives away down town
By a cement bunker underground
No more he'll roam Wyoming's hills
Halliburton is his thrill

Don't send your money to Washington
To fight a war that's never done
Don't play their games don't be their pawns
And don't be afraid of the neo-con

Katrina blew through the town
Black waters flooded all around
No money to raise the levees high
And so we watched New Orleans die

Bill Clinton was a Democrat
He saved us money in his hat
He fell from grace the story goes
Then Georgie put us in the hole

Now Casey was Cindy's son
He marched away with his gun
For a noble cause he heard Bush say
He died in a war so far away

Now Georgie is kind and meek
He kissed the king upon his cheek
They walked the garden hand in hand
As the oil and blood dripped on the sand

And now my little song is done
'Bout the neo-cons in Washington
No more I'll sing these words again
You can see it all on CNN

Don't send you money to Washington
To fight a war that's never done
Don't play their games don't be their pawns
And don't be afraid of the neo-cons

Friday, April 28, 2006

The summer replacement series you've been waiting for

If only Osama would attend a Darfur protest

Arrests of subversive Congresspeople continue...

Porter's Passion

It ain't easy purging Our Leader's enemies from the Central Intelligence Agency. It drains a man. That's why CIA Director Porter Goss puts aside a few hours a week to pursue his real passion in life:

Thursday, April 27, 2006

"We can always live in a state that does not have community property laws."

I've often wondered if anyone has found their dream man or dream not-man on Sean Hannity's Hannidate dating service. Now, I have my answer. Valued Jesus' General commenter and Billionaires for Bush diva Ivana Moore-Enmoore recently received an email from a fine patriotic young suitor who was intrigued by her Hannidate profile:

Subject: winning your heart, not your money, well... maybe a little, for mostly republican altruistic purposes.

Hi, I am Kevin, and if your reading this, you must be more curious than ticked off.

Gee, where do I start?

-In my humble opinion, it was a mistake for you to say you are a billionaire, whataya think was going to happen when you announce you are a billionaire? When you find mr right, then you tell him.

-Firstly, I am looking for a conservative republican woman to be my wife, money or not. She must be on the same page politically-philosophically, rich or not; because I have ambitious goals for the conservative movement and I would hope she would want to be a major player. I am not a republican kool-aid drinker, I am a consevative before I am a republican, in fact these days I am almost embarrassed these days to say I am one. If Reagan was president now, with a republican congress, and a conservative leaning Supreme Court, he'd be cleaning up, but instead we end up with a a lame congress that can't even deal with an issue as basic as borders and illegal aliens, and a president, despite relative success on the war on terrorism, is out to lunch onborders and illegal aliens. I'll stop here, more later if you are interested.

-This is not the place to detail my ambitions and goals, but, if you are sufficiently intrigued to contact me, I would be delighted to explain.

-I do not have a profile on this site yet, but a detailed profile of me is on, just sign on, I think you must register, and my member number is [...]. Photos are included. I am 30lbs overweight, but will lose it.

-If you are looking for your love, in my humble opinion, I doubt you will find it with a 18-30 boy.

I know from my own personal experience. When 28, living in Orange County, southern California, I met this affluent lady whom was the editor of Orange County Magazine, and lived in the affluent community of Luguna Niguel on along the southern Orange County coast. She was 36, and we enjoyed each other, and I liked her so much I wasn't going to blow it and hit on her or try to make any moves on her. She took me places and we enjoyed companionship. But I was too naive (even immature) to realize what we had, and she wanted me to take the lead to establish a relationship. She became anxious and met an older man. I decided I would not make that mistake again.

-We can always live in a state that does not have community property laws.

This is enough for now. Check out my profile on [...], and contact me if so inclined.


CSNY in Portland

On July 28th, Ofjoshua, Ofsomefutureluckyguy, JC II, and I are going to see Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young at the Clark County Amphitheatre near Portland, OR. We'd love to meetup with some of the troops there, so if you're going, let me know.

Tickets are on presale now. You can cut into the line by giving CSNY your email (We bought the cheap GA seats for $33 each--I think I paid $5 to see Foghat and Head East in '76).

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Blogads Survey Results

Thanks to everyone who participated in the blogads survey.

According to the results, most of you are Frenchman. I blame that on the self-selected sample and suspect that Klinton is somehow responsible.

Results for Jesus' General
Complete Results

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Defending Doolittle

President Gordon B. Hinckley
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear President Hinckley,

The Church's policy of maintaining political neutrality on minor issues like torture, war, poverty, etc has served its members very well. It's allowed you to build up a great deal of political capital to use when you needed to fight more important issues like homosexual marriage and the Equal Rights Amendment, thus sparing our children from the horrors of unisex restrooms and man-on-dog nuptials.

Now, I see that the Church is flexing its political muscle once again by assigning two of its communications specialists to help John Doolittle's reelection efforts. I'm glad to see you're doing it. If we do not stand up for him, we will lose a powerful advocate for three of the most important issues we face as a nation and a culture: bringing free market principles to the legislative process; ensuring that erectile dysfunction drugs are wisely distributed; and stopping the United Nations from taking over the internets.

These are his pet issues. No other Congressman will give them the attention he provides them. So thank you for providing the Church's vast resouces to aid him with his reelection campaign.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A non-blue helmet tip to reader Denise.

Celebrating Earth Day

Rep. Richard Pombo
Chair House Committee on Resource Extraction

Dear Rep. Pombo,

When I clicked on the link to your committee's Earth Day website, I was expecting to see the same old environmental problems everyone's always complaining about. You know what I mean, things like global warming, deforestation, air and water pollution, and species extinction. Thankfully, you provided something else: information about greedy environmentalists; how industry makes our air healthier to breathe; and the important work you're doing converting our forests into logging-friendly monocultures.

As good as your site is, it could be even better. Adding something about Our Leader's Earth Day activities would be a great start. People would love to see photos of his bicycle trip on restricted trails through endangered peninsular bighorn sheep lambing areas. It would provide them with a glimpse of Our Leader they seldom see: a man who isn't afraid to chase down an endangered ewe and show her a little Heartland-approved lovin'.

You can't get more environmentally friendly than that. It's better than a coal-fired sunset.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Drew.

Guilty Pleasure

The new season of Trailer Park Boys is underway in Canadastan. Things don't look good for Ricky, Bubbles, and Ray, because when Randy takes his pants off, you know somebody's going to get his butt kicked.

My favorite episode is still the one with the cougar in season 4. You can't go wrong with a stoned, viagraburger-gulping cougar.

God, I love the internets.

Update: Forget all that crap I wrote above. Go listen to I'M THE DECIDER (Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo)

Monday, April 24, 2006

Moving Malkin-Belsen

Michelle Malkin
Our Lady of the Concentration Camps

Dear Mrs. Malkin,

Some might call your recent internet jihad against dissent a failure. They'd point out that although your malkintruppen's death threats scared the hell out of three college students, you're the only real casualty--not only do you have to move out of your new house, but you've also lost the unquestioning support of many in the outer-party. Indeed, some might even say that you've become what you claim to despise, a dangerous demagogue, a thought-policeman bent on crushing anyone who would dare voice an ideologically incorrect idea.

Of course, they're wrong. Your noble crusade against thought-treachery was a resounding success. As an owner in Our Leader's ownership society, you have the means to move to a new undisclosed location. That's a luxury these three college students do not have. They're stuck at UCSB until they graduate, living in fear of ashen-skinned doughboys with cheeto-stained fingers. They'll think twice before they question Our Leader's policies again.

So where will you establish your new Malkin-Belsen*? Where can a patriot lead a crusade against dissent without worrying that her house might be toilet-papered. Well, if I were you, I'd be looking for a community where nearly everyone shares your views, a place like Almost Heaven, Idaho.

Although now in decline, Almost Heaven was once the promised land for men who hate brown people as much as you do. Heck, I'd venture to guess that even today, many of the town's residents use the words "jihadist" and "reconquistadores" to describe Arabs and Mexicans with nearly the same frequency as they appear on your blog.

They're your kind of people. You'd certainly feel safe there, that is as long as you took measures to hide your face (I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but you look brown. They won't like that.) Sure they've probably seen your picture on your blog or next to your column, but I doubt they've made the connection. Who would? After all, virtually all of your posts and columns read like they were written by George Lincoln Rockwell. The good citizens of Almost Heaven probably think that you're merely showing them the face of the enemy.

So how do you get around not being seen in a very small town? A burka is out of the question. Burkas haven't been given Our Leader's seal of approval yet. You're left with only one option until that finally happens, the Tancredoic robes of the Ku Klux Klan. Think about it. It's perfect. No one would think it out of the ordinary to see you wearing Klan robes while running around doing your daily errands. If anything, they'd expect you to wear them. It's what you're all about.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*I originally called Mrs. Malkin's Camp for Brown People, "Malkinwald," but commenter 88 corrected me.

Suffer the Little Children Update

I'm told that my posts on the Bethel Boys Academy/Eagle Point Christian Academy (here, here, here, and here) were the inspiration for this report. Unfortunately, the author seems to have been influenced by the French as well. He fails to list a single argument in favor of torturing rebellious children.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

National Political Security

Update: Blessed are Senators Shelby (R-Heartland) and Hatch (R-Closet at his Parents' Condo in Park City).

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Proof of Intelligent Design

God designed the banana so that it would be pleasing to us.

Crooks and Liars has the Kirk Cameron produced video. You won't want to miss the intelligently designed oral action.

It made a believer out of this chemist.

His and Her Hannicatches of the Week

We have Hannicatches for everybody this week. Ladies, meet "I Love America Too." A real life Christian ninja whose love for Jesus and Bruce Lee is second only to his love for Sean Hannity.

And for the men, we have Candice, a woman who's tired of waiting for God to make his move and is now looking for a milkman to deliver the cheese.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Where is she now?

Although my Inner Frenchman believes that Morris Dees is a true American hero, I'm not at all happy about being quoted in the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Report. What are my friends going to think? They might start to wonder whether I'm fighting hate crimes legislation as hard as I could be. Heck, they might even try to take away my Steel Toed Boots of Biblical Conformity.

The Intelligence Report article spotlights Tami Birckner, the Fox News South Carolina reporter who did a wonderfully supportive piece on last December and notes that she's no longer with Fox News SC.

Curious about what she's up to now, I googled her but found nothing about her current employment. I did however learn that she signed a statement supporting Judith Miller.

I wonder what she thinks of plural marriage.

Bob Ney needs your help

On Election day, Rep. Bob Ney will either be at a victory party or selling smack out of his cell in Cellblock D. He's going to need a lot of money where ever he's going. That's why he's taking advantage of the DeLay Option and raising funds to prepare for either outcome.

Please help Rep. Ney by giving generously (I'm in for a shank I made out of a beer can):

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Making the world safe for white Christian patriots

With her world falling in around her, Our Lady of the Concentration Camps still finds time to work on her dream of building new homes for brown people who aren't conservative columnists of Philippine descent. She calls it Malkinwald because Mangalangawitz sounds too French.

This is the operative statement

Josh Bolten
White House Chief of Staff

Dear Mr. Bolten,

It's going to be tough finding a replacement for Scott McClellen as the White House Press Secretary. All the most loyal candidates are busy avoiding indictments or surfing in the hopes of hooking up during the next Homeland Security drill.

Still, there are two names you should consider. The first one is god-fearing former Washington Post blogger Ben Domenech. He's already proven that he doesn't worry about things like facts or truth if they stand in the way of his objectives. And although he's fairly young and inexperienced, he could always respond to reporter's questions with answers lifted from transcripts of Ron Ziegler's press conferences. Heck, after nearly six years of Ari and Scott, the phrase, "This is the operative statement; the others are inoperative," could probably get him through the rest of Our Leader's second term all by itself.

The second candidate is Jeff Gannon. He's already familiar with the Briefing Room and given his frequent overnight stays at White House, even more acquainted with other parts of the West wing and, perhaps, the East wing as well. He also seems to have the kind of relationship with Mr. Rove that would allow for a bit of man on man disciplinary action if Karl ever got off message. Best yet, he's use to hanging around with a bunch of whores, so he'd be just as comfortable at a staff meeting or fundraiser as he'd be at press gaggle--they're all his kind of people.

Now that I think about it, there's another person you should consider: Tom DeLay. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to beat the living hell out of Helen Thomas.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Still kicking Soviet butt

Given the Francophillic media's refusal to report on all the good news about Our Leader's successful war, economic, environmental, education, health care, medicare, social security, and civil rights policies, the Inner Party has had to find new ways to get its message out to the public. Some of these methods -- paying columnists to shill for the Administration for instance -- were incredibly successful until the American-haters started questioning Our Leader's inherent right to ignore the law.

Other methods have been less successful in changing public opinion but still provide other benefits that are just as important to our general morale.

Of these latter communication methods, I'm happiest about the revival of old Soviet-style reporting--like the Iraqi tractor repair good news story I wrote about a few weeks ago. Gosh, it feels good to finally beat the Soviets at their own game.

We saw a great example of the Information Ministry's work this week at the White House Easter Egg Roll. It was voiced by a group of children, who serenaded the media with this song:

Our country's stood beside us
People have sent us aid.
Katrina could not stop us, our hopes will never fade.
Congress, Bush and FEMA
People across our land
Together have come to rebuild us and we join them hand-in-hand!

Pravda-schmavda, we are now the kings of state-produced news.

I want "YLW LFANT" plates

Crossposted to Operation Yellow Elephant Blog.

A helmet tip to reader Bryn.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A posterboy for abstinence

Ken Mehlman
Chair, Republican National Committee

Dear Chairman Mehlman,

I can't adequately express just how thrilled I am about Our Leader's new guidelines for abstinence-only education grants. I never dreamed that the scope of these grants would be extended to target unmarried adults in addition to teens. I guess I need to have more faith in Our Leader's ability to impose his mighty will.

Convincing single adults to remain abstinent won't be an easy job. There aren't many positive role models for them to emulate. What we need is a chastity posterboy, and I think you're the man for the job. You're successful, a bachelor, and a tireless advocate for abstinence-only education. You're perfect. You'll be a fabulous posterboy.

We'll start out with a national tour, hitting local news shows and editorial boards, service clubs, chambers of commerce, senior centers, and college campuses. At each stop, you'll discuss how much you value your virginity and how rewarding your chastity has been to you.

It's also important that you talk about the difficulties you face in trying to remain chaste. I bet it's a constant battle, especially now, during wartime. I imagine that at every meeting you attend, there's a guy--probably Rummy or Deputy Leader Cheney--playing around with a model cruise missile, caressing its smooth rigid surface as he breathlessly gushes about huge payloads, powerful thrusting mechanisms, and dominating the enemy. And it probably doesn't help that Our Leader is watching wrestling on a little tee vee the whole time.

I don't know how you do it. You're obviously a better man than I am. I had to take three breaks to get through that last paragraph.

We should probably have a postergirl as well. Could you ask Condi about it. You'd better do so soon, before she starts digging in her closet for her softball gear. It'll be impossible for her to concentrate on chastity after that.

I hope you'll consider it. I think you'll find it very rewarding. Heck, you might finally meet your Mrs. Right at one of the speaking engagements.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Rummy has Joementum

Joe Lieberman might have a "D" behind his name, but he's still Our Leader's most faithful servant.

Monday, April 17, 2006

We are the establishment; we are the Washington Post

Deborah Howell
Ombudsman, The Washington Post

Dear Mrs. Howell,

The Euro-loving America-haters of the left cheered like neocons at a cockfight when they exposed the Post's first official establishment blogger as a plagiarizing racist. But thanks to David Finkel's hit piece in Saturday's post, they aren't cheering anymore. Payback is a bitch.

It was a beautiful smear job. You picked a couple of bloggers from the Francosphere who make points about important national issues in an entertaining style and focused almost completely on the entertainment rather than the meat of their arguments. Although even the most novice readers of My Left Wing and The Rude Pundit understand that their rantings and crude language are merely wrapping for their insightful political commentary, the Post's piece refuses to even hint that there is more to their work than anger interspersed with profanity.

It's a tactic the Post avoids using on my personal heroes, Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin, and Ann Coulter. Their observations on the harmless fun that is glowstick rape, the need for concentration camps, and making domestic terrorism work for us are treated as valid political commentary. Certainly, the Post has never given these establishment conservatives the treatment it gave O'Connor and Le Pundit Rude.

That goes for the bloggers of the Patriotsphere as well. Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs may complain about the media's "barrage of images of [Rachel] Corrie looking Caucasian;" Jonah Goldberg might issue prophecies of a black Armageddon; and Glen Reynolds may stoke the fires for a Minuteman kristallnacht but the Post prefers to ignore these examples of what seditious Americans might call hate speech. After all, their racially charged writings aren't as dangerous to society as The Rude Pundit's use of the word "cocksucker."

Instead you give them (and me) awards as a means of marketing your newspaper. That's fitting I guess. Like you, we conservative bloggers are part of the establishment. We both roll over every time Our Leader makes another grab for unchecked control. Heck, we do more than that, we trip over ourselves praising his bold resoluteness as he seizes more extra-constitutional power. We do it, because we fear that any dissent on our part will alienate us from the establishment's teat. That is our greatest fear, because then we will be treated like our adversaries on the left.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Sunday, April 16, 2006

"All your hate are belong to us"

Daniel Freykis, the patriot behind the catchphrase, "Go Live in France Pussy You Faggots!!," vows to beat up the staff of the Seattle-based alternative weekly, The Stranger.

Update: You'll find other godly Freykisms like "No one fucks with a Freykis" in Slog's comments.

Update II: Commenter Cpl. Crack asks if I know whether "any physical violence threatened on the internets ever been carried into reality?"

Not that I know of, but there are at least two cases where bloggers stood up to internet bullies and challenged them to a fight. In both cases, the bullies took the cowardly way out. Their stories are very entertaining:

The Freeway Blogger v. Pastor Bill Keller (Please check out the other seditious work the Frenchman of the Freeways is doing.)

Rev. Mykeru v. Lord Spatula.

Democrats' loss, Republicans' gain

Amy Sullivan
Washington Monthly

Dear Mrs. Sullivan,

You've taken a lot of heat from the godless French for suggesting that many potential Demoncratic voters are turned off by party's embrace of secularism. Although I certainly agree with your position, I'm thankful that God's Own Party is the beneficiary of this secularist blunder. Indeed, it allows godfearing Republicans like me to successfully reach out to disaffected Christian Democrats like Barbara Cornett.

I became aware of Miss Cornett's alienation from the Demoncratic party after she began posting her diatribes in the comments of my blog, Jesus' General, under the name, "July Canute" and emailing me under her real name. Although these comments and emails are no longer available, posts to her blogs, uglybigots and The Southern Journal, outline the reasons for her disaffection.

For example, here's something she wrote in The Southern Journal:

As a Democrat I often get very angry at the hatred and bigotry of the liberals out of the Northeast and California. These people have stirred up hatred against Christians and southern people like myself for all the years I have been on the internet which is about 10 years. It is important to recognize that many Christians who are Democrats not only tolerate this hatred but even support it.


The Liberals out of the Northeast and the neo-cons represent a new power elite. Many of the Liberals are Jews and the neo-cons are also for the most part Jewish Zionists.

She has more to say about "the Jewish problem" here:

When will Americans stop learning to hate ourselves and allowing the religion that our nation is based upon to come under attack by a bunch of Jews who want to run this country for their own interests?

And more from her blog, uglybigots, here:

Are you kidding me! What does Patriot Boy think he is! Basically a Jew whose come to believe his own propaganda I suppose [she mistakenly thinks my inner-Frenchman is Jewish].

Patriot Boy alias Jesus' General does what Jews always do. They take advantage of free speech in America and then presume to take it away from everyone else.

And here:

My my who do you suppose is behind this movie which was advertised at Raw Story? This movie, The God Who Wasn't There is part of an ongoing propaganda campaign against Christianity by Jews. They want to throw off the old ruling class in America and take their place according to the teachings of Leo Strauss they undermine our history, religion and culture in order to undermine the legitimacy of our rulers and take their place.

These are the people your Demoncratic party has lost. Hopefully, your loss will be our gain.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: It looks like Miss Cornett really is coming over to the side of God's Own Party. At least she's seems to be taking tips from Mr. O'Reilly:

From: "Barbara Cornett"
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2006 13:00:39 -0500

Mr Christ

Do you think you are the only people in America who have free speech?

Is anti-semitism a bad thing? Is it slander to call someone an anti-semite?

Is it defamation to publish a person's name on the internet and call them an anti-semite?

Is there a precedent for anti-semitism and would you like to make your case in a court of law?

Update II: Barbara's been around.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Michael Savage loves the black man

Michael Savage
Savage Nation

Dear Mr. Savage,

There are those who would call you a racist for calling the alleged Duke Lacrosse Team rape victim a "dirty, verminous black stripper." They'd point to the structure of the phrase, suggesting that perhaps you thought that adding the adjective, "black," to "dirty, verminous stripper" added force to your condemnation. Indeed, they would say that your choice of adjectives suggests that you believe "black" is as negative a description as "dirty" or "verminous."

Fortunately, you have the perfect piece of evidence to counter such a claim. I'm referring of course to one of your letters to the late Allen Ginsberg--not the one in which you reveal your fantasy of shoving a camera up the beat poet's ass to photograph his rectum, but the other one, where you try to impress him with a burroughsesque tale of fingering "a little-known black brother."

Read the letters a couple of times during your show and everyone will see that you're certainly not a racist. You might also consider doing it on your good friend Chris Matthews's show the next time he needs you to come on to condemn sodomites.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

This man could kick your ass

I imagine that John Wohlstetter put a lot of thought into picking this photo of himself to use on his Discovery Institute sponsored blog. It's a good choice. Very neocon. It conveys the impression that he's a man who'd kill you by shoving an ice pick into your ear and then, hoping to get lucky, take your cold, dead body to the opera to catch Wagner's Götterdämmerung.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Connecticut's favorite son: Marshal Petain

I wasn't back home more than a few minutes before Ofjoshua was dragging me off to a Passover Seder. It's an old Christian custom where everybody eats crackers, horseradish, and some kind of jellyfish. I think I was a hit with all of the other attendees. Every time I yelled "praise Jesus," all conversation stopped and every eye turned to me.

Anyway, this is my first night at home in over a week, and I'm too exhausted to write post anything of my own. So please go over to VichyDems and read Thersites2's excellent proposal.

Here's a short excerpt:

Instead of employing Mexicans in Mexico, where they waste our perfectly good American pennies on Mexican tortillas, we can pay American workers the same free-market wages here at home, and make American tortilla-makers rich! Why should WalMart customers' money support some Chinese seamstress, when No Child Left Behind and the underfunding of Head Start has created our very own underclass of impoverished young women willing to work for a penny a seam? And since Mexican pollution blows right across the Rio Grande to pollute our air, and water always finds its own level anyway, why should we worry about environmental degradation and melting ice caps? If anyone's going to get rich by crapping on the environment, then bless it, it should be us!

As to the illegal immigrant problem, well, once we've leveled the playing field by making America's environment, job opportunities, and social safety net no better than they are in Guatemala and Guam, those people probably will pack up and head home of their own accord. Problem solved.

The latest battle in the War on Easter

I forgot to mention that I saw that French bastard, Carl Ballard, at Drinking Liberally. His Washington State Political Report is so seditious it makes patriotic talk show host John Carlson bawl like a prescriptionless Limbaugh.

And speaking of making John Carlson cry, Brian Flemming did just that the other day when he challenged the humiliatingly defeated former gubernatorial candidate to prove that our Savior is more real than the One True Bunny.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Ninja terrorists in the Heartland

A lot of people thought I was joking back in August 2004 when I first reported the Coast Guard's assertion that terrorists often dress up like ninjas. These same people laughed again a month later when I wrote about an incident in England where American tourists reported a bunch of possible terrorists in ninja outfits to the local police. But who's laughing now that we have people running around wearing ninja suits here in the Heartland? It's not the State Security Apparatus:

ATF agents are always on alert for anything suspicious -- including ninjas.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents, on campus Tuesday for Project Safe Neighborhoods training, detained a "suspicious individual" near the Georgia Center, University Police Chief Jimmy Williamson said.

Jeremiah Ransom, a sophomore from Macon, was leaving a Wesley Foundation pirate vs. ninja event when he was detained.


"It was surreal," Ransom said. "I was jogging from Wesley to Snelling when I heard someone yell 'freeze.'"

Ransom said he thought a friend was playing a joke before he realized officers had guns drawn and pointed at him.

ATF agents had noticed Ransom's suspicious behavior and clothing and gave chase, apprehending him, Williamson said

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

On the run

I have a few minutes between meetings, so I thought I'd update you on my latest adventures in the Emerald City. The hotel's On Command movie preview is playing in the background as I write this. It's nothing less than a continuous loop of filth. Worse yet, it's directed at our children. While summarizing the plot of a supposedly kid-oriented movie called Nanny McPhee, the host said "...and finally, Nanny McPhee works her magic and whips those little carpet munchers into shape." Yes, that's what she said. First it was Tinky Winky, then Spongebob and Lenny the crossdressing shark, now it's Nanny McPhee. Where will it end?

I had a great time infiltrating Drinking Liberally last night. In fact, I had such a good time, I forgot to pay my bill. I'm going to run back over to Montlake Ale House to make amends. Hopefully, I'll get there before the cops break down my door.

I want to thank Darryl of Hominid Views and Goldy of Horsesass for inviting me to be part of their panel for Podcasting Liberally. I sucked and I'm not being modest when I say that--I truely sucked (in a purely performance-based, heterosexually kind of way, mind you). Thank God the other panelist were good enough to salvage the show. They were very sharp and incredibly funny.

It was great to meet occasional commenter The Him of Blog Reload and the very funny guy from Pike Place Politics. Molly from The (liberal) Girl Next Door is very insightful and quick-witted. I hadn't read her blog before today, but it's now going into my RSS feed.

It was also good to meet the many Jesus' General readers who also infiltrated the event. I'm terrible with names, but I hope to see you all again sometime.


Funny. These results don't seem to match those in this graphic Howard Kaloogian sent me:

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Let cowboys be cowboys

Ruth Malhotra
Georgia Tech College Republicans

Dear Miss Malhotra,

There was a time in this country when Christian people were treated with the respect we deserve. Everyone took it for granted that we were superior to all others. We could backhand an uppity brown person or an insolent wife without fear of reproach, because everyone believed we were God's chosen people.

Things are different today. America has become so wicked and worldly that Christians are no longer treated as superiors. Indeed, the government forbids any recognition that we are better than brown people, women, homosexuals, or even the French.

Thankfully, people like you are taking steps to change that. Your lawsuit demanding that the State allow us to persecute homosexuals is a great first step in the journey to reclaim our rightful place as rulers in this society.

I am praying for your success. With God's help and a good lawyer, we'll return to the days where the heavy thumps of Jesus' Mighty Jackboots of Biblical Conformity will resound across this great nation. And then cowboys can be just cowboys again.

Heterosexually* yours,

Gen. JC Christan, patriot

P.S. I think you've finally found your ticket to conservative stardom. The academic persecution angle wasn't quite cutting it.

*Cletis is a damned liar.

Drinking liberally

See you at Drinking Liberally in Seattle tonight.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Gridlock Doc

Rep. Doc Hastings
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Hastings,

I spent about an hour looking around your website today, and I couldn't find a single reference to your leadership of the House Ethics Committee. Why be so humble? Not a single Congressman has stood before your committee since Rep. DeLay and Speaker Hastert appointed you to chair it. If it wasn't for the administrative action you took carrying over Rep. McDermott's case from the 108th Congress--he's accused of embarrassing Majority Leader Boehner--your record of inaction would be perfect.

You've obviously scared everyone in Congress into faithfully following ethics rules. Otherwise, your hearing schedule would be packed. Of course there will always be misunderstandings like Duke Cunningham's incarceration, the free market lawmaking approach taken by representatives DeLay, Noe, Pombo, Blunt, Doolittle, Harris, Hunter, Ney, Chocola, yourself, and others, and Don Sherwood's penchant for strangling mistresses, but you've obviously found a way to clear their good names without resorting to hearings. That's one heck of an accomplishment.

You're doing yourself a tremendous disservice by not publicizing all of this great work. Do yourself a favor and add your Ethics Committee accomplishments to your website. And while you're at it, put your name and photograph on the Ethics website as well. I couldn't find either anywhere there. It's almost like you're ashamed of the things you've accomplished as Chair.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Earning the Dark Stain of College Republican Valor at a book event in Olympia

Ofjoshua, Ofsomefutureluckyguy, JC II, and I left the Alabama side of Washington State early yesterday morning to visit our sinful capitol city. Our objective: to infiltrate Kos and Jerome's event at Orca Books and beat up some elderly ladies. To my dismay, Ofsomefutureluckyguy and JC II chickened out and decided to swim in the hotel's pool instead, and Ofjoshua, the fine gospel-loving woman that she is, ducked off with a lonely looking guy to provide him Christian comfort in the deepest recesses of Orca Books' seldom visited O'Reilly section. That left me, alone, to deal some Delay-approved patriotic wrath against the septuagenarian Frenchwomen of Olympia.

I approached the two senior seditionettes in attendance stealthily, but just as I was ready to yell "God Bless Our Leader" and bludgeon them down to the floor, one of them turned towards me, exposing me to a face marked with deep lines of cruelty and limitless depths of viciousness. That single look shot tazer darts of fear into my heart and paralyzed every muscle in my body. I felt like a statue, unable to move, even to take a cookie from the plate she offered. Thankfully she moved on quickly, offering her evil wares to others before noticing the Dark Stain of College Republican Valor that was spreading down from my crotchal area and forming a puddle on the floor around my shoes.

Some might criticize me for not completing my objective, but I like to think that the terror and wetness I experienced were evidence that we're winning our battle against these elderly enemies and that victory is around the corner.

Inasmuch as Ofjoshua was still busy attending to our lonely brother in the darkest corner of the building, I couldn't leave, so I sat down and listened to Kos and Jerome discuss their book, Crashing the Gate. What I heard from them scared me even more than the cookie-bearing grandmother. They have a better grasp of the current state of Democratic politics than anyone else I've heard or seen. Heck, my Inner Frenchman spent thousands of dollars on his masters degree in political management and years working on campaigns and gained more insight from reading Crashing the Gate than from both the education and experience combined. If the French read this book and take it to heart, we're through, Our Leader's America will fall. Who will the owners in Our Leader's Ownership Society own then? Who will tell me what to do?

Afterward, I approached Kos and Jerome and asked them to sign my copy of their book. My hope was that they might write something to discredit themselves, perhaps an admission that they thought betraying CIA operatives was a bad thing or something like that. Unfortunately, they simply tried to recruit me into their Democrat lifestyle, writing that they needed me on their side. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't think of a response and only smiled and nodded dumbly. They probably thought I was an idiot.

One good thing did come out of it. A woman heard me talking to Kos and Jerome and recognizing my name, she introduced herself and told me that she was often awarded the Dark Stain of College Republican Valor when she read Jesus' General. I replied that her comment was the best complement I've ever received. And I meant it. It made my night. Thank you, reader.

Kos and Jerome are coming to a town near you. Buy their book so that you know what the enemy is up to.

Carl, Goldy, and Andrew have more on the Seattle book events.

The Wolves of Tenino

We stopped off at Wolf Haven International on our way to Olympia. They do great work there rescuing gray wolves and helping to revive nearly extinct populations of red wolves and mexican gray wolves. If you're ever in that part of Washington state, stop by and take the tour. It's fantastic.

We adopted a gray wolf named Cricket for JC II's first grade class. It only cost $35 and the money goes to caring for the wolves. You can do the same by going here. In return, the class will get a photograph and bio of your wolf and each child will receive a pencil, a sticker, and a personal connection to the important work of saving a keystone predator from extinction. I know that sounds awfully French, but they are predators and some of them growl at you while you take the tour. It's the next best thing to having breakfast with Deputy Leader Cheney.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Celebrating free speech, BYU style

David Magleby
Dean of the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences
Brigham Young University

Dear Dr. Magleby,

It's not easy for a liberal-infested academic institution to openly show its support for Our Leader's Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. It's even harder for such an institution to put those revolutionary principles into practice. That's why I'm so proud that the university of my people, BYU, chose to celebrate free speech by banning the showing of a politically-themed documentary.

Of course I'm referring to your decision to bar the film, This Divided State, from being shown on campus. It was the right thing to do. Our adult children shouldn't be exposed to "cuss words" like the ones used in that film. Expletives in political documentaries may not be a big deal in the secular world, but dang it, hearing them is a gateway sin--eventually, it will lead to greater sins like drinking coffee or playing dominoes. Thank our Heavenly Father, you were there to intervene.

It's too bad that such filth is being passed off as art now days. It makes it hard for those of us who try to avoid worldly temptations--the peer pressure to see R-rated pornography like Schindler's List can be very hard to resist. Thankfully, with a little prayer, and a lot of red punch and green jello we can find the strength needed to resist such temptation.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: my review of This Divided State

Music to assault old ladies by

Here are a couple of great tunes by reader and lapsed commenter (don't make me call that man in Seattle) Hilfiger Tout:

Grayback - An anthem for Our Leader's America

Republican Jesus - The favorite hymn of blastocyst-Americans everywhere

Friday, April 07, 2006

Acts of the Apostles

"Sides are being chosen, and the future of man hangs in the balance!" The enemies of virtue may be on the march, but they have not won, and if we put our trust in Christ they never will. ... It is for us then to do as our heroes have always done and put our faith in the perfect redeeming love of Jesus Christ."
--Tom DeLay

Pastor Delay's redeeming love.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Goin' with their strengths

After reading this, this, and this, I've finally figured out what this page at means:

Tips and getting together

I'm away from home for a few days and forgot to turn off my mail client. That means my email is downloaded at home before I get to read it. So if you have a tip about something that might interest me, please post it to this post's comments.

I'm thinking about going to see Kos and Jerome at their book thing in Oly on Saturday and infiltrating Drinking Liberally in Seattle on Tuesday. So, if any of you are interested in getting together, I'll see you there. BTW, I think I've talked Ofjoshua into coming to Kos' thing, so you can meet her too.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Another Republican endorses Lieberman

Jeff Gannon weighs in on Joe Lieberman. My efforts to contact Ned Lamont to get his reaction were unsuccessful.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Lincoln Defense

Rep. Virgil H. Goode, Jr.
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Goode,

I applaud your recent statement condemning those who wave Mexican flags at immigrant human rights rallies, but I worry that such comments might come back to haunt you. How will you respond when some French-loving traitor asks you why you don't also condemn our Confederate patriots who proudly wave the Stars and Bars at rallies and parades? You can't just simply say that it's OK because they're white--not in public, anyway.

Let's think about this for a minute. On the one hand, we have a flag belonging to a country we invaded because they stood between us and Manifest Destiny. We were the victors in that war and took most of what is now the Western United States as our prize.

On the other hand, we have a flag flown by those who wished to tear the United States apart. Although it represents all that Godly men like you and me revere, it is symbolic of treachery and racism to most everyone else.

I don't think we have a winning argument there. Let's look at it another way.

What do The Mexican War and The War of Northern Aggression have in common? Do you remember your history? The answer is that Abraham Lincoln was on the wrong side of both. In the decade before he waged war on our beloved Confederacy, he spoke out against the Mexican War. Indeed, he was that era's Michael Moore. He believed it was an unnecessary war based on lies and fought solely for corporate gain.

I think that's our hook. You've attacked Lincoln in the past, so using that old emancipating tyrant to tar both Confederate flag haters and Mexican flag wavers makes perfect sense.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Monday, April 03, 2006

Crafty Lefties (Part II)

I try to share a little conservative wisdom with the world and how am I repaid? I get a Koufax Award for humor. Humor! What kind of sick joke is that?

I'm a patriot, dammit. We don't have a humorous bone in our bodies. Just look at who we have for comedians: Dennis Miller, Larry Miller, and Kate O'Bierne. Case closed.

Now look at all of the French blogs that were nominated for the same award. They're all a heck of a lot more funny than Jesus' General (and I mean the good kind of funny). See for yourself:

Michael Berube

Dependable Renegade


Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness

The Poor Man Institute

Rising Hegemon

Rude Pundit

Sadly, No!


If I was cursed with a sense of humor. I'd be laughing my ass off whenever I read any of these blogs. They're all incredibly funny. But God's blessed me with more Republican sensibilities, so the only reaction I have is that vein-throbbing-in-the-forehead thing and some minor chafing that I'd rather not get into right now. So screw 'em.

You hear that Tbogg, you lording-your-two-bassets-over-one-basset-endowed-families-son-of-a-bitch. Screw you.

You too Berube, you seditious bastard. You have Horowitz so rattled, he was thrown out of Safeway for denouncing the kielbasas the other day.

And what kind of name is Watertiger anyway? Doesn't sound very American. Not very manly sounding either. I hope you meet Michelle Malkin in a dark alley.

Fafblog? There's something intrinsically evil about a blogging lobster. It's not kosher. I have no idea what the hell a fafnir is, but I bet it's an abomination. Then there's Giblets. I can't even write that name without blushing.

Norbizness? There's just something very wrong about a man having happy furry puppy time. You can bet Our Deputy Leader never had it, and if he did, he'd probably have shot it in the face.

Attaturk, you're so freaking clever. I hate that in a man. It's not patriotic.

I have only one thing to say to the folks at Sadly No: you'll get my Ben Shapiro porn when you pry it from my cold, wet, and rather sticky hands.

As for the Editors, if they don't stop using that photo of me I'm going to sue. My sideburns and mustache should only be used for good.

Mr. Pundit. You scare me. I don't want to get on your bad side.

I command my readers to buy your CD. If I had a sense of humor, I'd say it's funniest CD I've ever heard. Heck, it's even better than anything I've heard on vinyl--even that Cheech and Chong album I owned in '76, the one Mitch's dad called the Bishop about.

Are we OK now Mr. Pundit or should I send you my lunch money.

Seriously, as I looked over all of the nominations, I thought "this one should get it this year. It's hilarious." Then I'd look at the next one and think, "no, this one had that really funny post about that one thing. It deserves to win." It was like that with each one. Your blogs are incredible. It was very humbling to be listed with you.

Thanks to the readers too. I love you all in an Ofjoshua-approved heterosexual kind of way. You are the best.

Update: Thank you mz for putting it into its proper perspective:

You should take enormous solace in the fact that your French enemies spent their time trying to marginalize you, instead of America.

Si, Se Puede

Wearing cammies to make me invisible, I infiltrated an immigrant anti-persecution march in Yakima, WA today. Two thousand people were there. That's a huge march for a city of that size. It's equal to three percent of the population of Yakima. It's equivalent to a turnout of 17,000 in Seattle, 114,000 in Los Angeles, or 240,000 in New York.

And that scares the hell out of this patriot. It makes me wonder if immigrants are as hated as the media tells us they are. Could it be that people are putting a face to their cheap produce; their inexpensive restaurant fare; their low construction labor costs? Will it eventually lead to the ending of the exploitation of foreign workers? And if that happens, what next? Will people start thinking about the Chinese prisoners slaving away in prison camps to bring us Wal-Mart's low prices.

Immigration is a difficult issue. The owners in Our Leader's ownership society need a workforce they can exploit beyond the limits allowed by law. Undocumented aliens fill that role, because, being undocumented, they cannot complain about being victimized. Now, we've come to a point where the demand for an exploitable workforce has become so great, it's hard to hide all of the brown faces we're bringing into fill it.

That scares the hell out of the rest of us white people, and when we get scared we demand that our government bomb someone. The House of Representatives, being the body that most closely represents white people, did just that in their immigration bill by making it a felony to assist undocumented aliens.

The Senate, being the more rational body, is looking at a different bill, one that focuses more on allaying the fears of the owners, the only group of people who really matter in Our Leader's America. Their bill will create an underclass of workers who can be legally victimized. The owners hope that these "guestworkers" will overfill the demand for labor and thus allow for a weakening of labor protections generally.

The more traitorous among us might suggest that there is a third way. They'd say reward those who've toiled here so long by giving them citizenship, and then pass a law levying harsh penalties against those who hire undocumented aliens in the future. Of course, this third way does nothing to either calm our fear of brown people or provide our owners with cheap, exploitable labor, so such a solution won't be discussed in the media or the halls of government.

Here are a few pictures from the march.