Pig Vomit's Air America

I don't like listening to Radio Marseilles, but I do it every day for you. Somebody has to document their treachery. It might as well be me. I can resist their reason-based rhetoric.

Still it isn't easy to listen to the likes of Randi Rhodes and Sam Seder, but it became a whole lot better when they added Jerry Springer. Sure, Spinger's as French as an Edith Piaf 78, but he's the good kind of Frenchman, one who isn't afraid to show the proper respect for Our Leader's policies.

Springer might go on a 5 minute diatribe against torture or domestic spying, but as soon as a patriot calls in, he's quick to note how reasonable such policies are. That's the kind of opposition we can live with.

Yesterday, Randi Rhodes shared the secret behind Springer's success. His show is produced by Kevin Metheny, the man immortalized by Paul Giamatti in the movie, Private Parts. Yes, Kevin Metheny is "Pig Vomit."

I have to wonder if Mr. Metheny has a lot of influence at Radio Marseilles. Firing Liz Winstead and Marc Maron certainly sounds like the kind of smart business move the guy who fired Howard Stern from WNBC would make.

An honest mistake

Charlie Cruce
Director of Missions
Tulsa Metro Association of Baptist Churches

Dear Dr. Cruce,

I am very disappointed with you for rebuking Lonnie Latham on your home page. Latham, the senior pastor at South Tulsa Baptist Church, deserves better. Obviously, his arrest for "Offering to Engage in an Act of Lewdness/Prostitution" resulted from an honest mistake. There's no other explanation. He hates homosexuality--as a member of the Southern Baptist Convention's Executive Committee, he's tirelessly fought the homosexual agenda.

You know what it's like to witness to homosexuals. You go to one of those places where they hang out, look around for a potential convert, and begin telling him about the good word. Eventually, you notice that he's rubbing his little soldier's bivouac area in an unusual manner, and you suddenly realize that he's been bitten by a venomous snake. You offer to suck out the venom. He pulls out a badge, and the next thing you know everyone thinks you're a homosexual.

Think about it. The same thing could happen to you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot



Helmet tips to readers Molly, cookie, and Dan.

John Bolton wields a mean jawbone of an ass

Our Republican Father
Who art in Heaven

Dear Mr. Jehovah,

Your servant, Pat Robertson, tells me* that you gave Ariel Sharon a stroke because he wanted to give a few small pieces of land back to the Palestinians. Although, I'm very supportive of this action, I think there's much more you could do to secure Gaza and the West Bank for Israel.

Israel's problem lies with the United Nations. Mr. Sharon probably wouldn't feel like he needed to give back the land if the United Nations had not passed Resolution 242, which requires Israel to leave all of the territories they seized when they righteously attacked the brown people. This resolution serves as the basis for all of the "land for peace" agreements since then.

The United Nations must be destroyed and John Bolton is the man for the job. He wants to do it. He's eager to do it. All he needs is for you to grant him Samson-like powers, and he'll bring the UN building down with his God-given strength. That is unless Samson-like powers are incompatible with really bad toupees. If that's the case, we'll just give him Ronald Reagan's jawbone, and he'll smite all the UN diplomats one by one.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Amen

*via Crooks and Liars

A Wal-Mart's Associate's Spiritual

My Wal-Mart post touched the Jivester inappropriately, prompting him to pen a spiritual for Wal-Mart associates:

Nineteen Miles and Then We're Free!

(chorus)
Nineteen miles from another Wal-Mart
Nineteen miles for you and for me
Ninteteen miles, let's build another one
Nineteen miles and then we're free

Did you visit Main Street and see the shops?
You know, the little ones, the mom & pops
Ain't they the cutest things you ever saw?
Let's get rid of 'em with Shock and Awe

Corporations are gifts from God above
We all know in our hearts that God is love
What did He whisper in the Virgin's ear?
"Birth me a Wal-Mart, get me a beer!"

Read the whole thing at Correntewire. You won't regret it.

Last night, I listed my nominations for the Bloggies. I usually don't do that because I know that I'll later kick myself for overlooking someone. That's the case with Correntewire. I can't believe that I didn't nominate them for best group blog.

I tend to link almost exclusively to MJS because I think his humor complements my very serious conservative message, but everyone over there is at the top of their game. If you don't read it daily, you should.

Damn. I missed The Rude Pundit too.

Wal-Mart cares

Col. Steve from Murphysboro sent me a very moving holiday Christmas story about Wal-Mart's generosity. As the ultimate example of what it means to be an owner in Our Leader's Ownership Society, Wal-Mart didn't need to give Christmas gifts to the sixty associates they were firing. But they did just that when they gave each one a $10 gift certificate on the day they announced the closure of their Dumas, AR store.

What will these lucky former employees buy when they drive to the nearest Wal-Mart, nineteen miles away. Well, I have a few suggestions, books and CDs that can be purchased with their $10 gift certificate.

First, I suggest that they buy something to honor their ex-employer's generosity.

Wal-Mart Family Cookbook: Midwest/West Region
At a little under 5$, they could also pick up the Southern Region cook book as well. Unfortunately, they don't carry one for Utah, but since the food of my people, green jello and red punch, is easy to make, I don't feel slighted.

Sam Walton, Made in America: My Story
He often appears to me in dreams to discuss spatulas.

Alternatively, they might pick up something that'll help them properly place blame on those who are ultimately responsible for their joblessness.

The Effects of the Minimum Wage on Employment
OK, this one costs $19, but perhaps a couple of the newly jobless could combine their gift certificates and share the book.

Betrayal: How Union Bosses Shake Down Their Members and Corrupt American Politics
Wal-Mart isn't unionized, but certainly the unions deserve some of the blame. So does Klinton.

Of course, the ex-employees are facing tough times, so they might think about purchasing something to help them figure out where they fit in the Ownership Society.

Advantages of Poverty
Make lemonade!

The Christian Employee: Discover purpose and peace in your life as you understand God's perspective on the workplace.
Jesus is the opiate of the workforce.

How to Rent a Negro
Give the owners what they want.

I Was a Communist for the FBI
Find a new line of work.

If none of the above strikes their fancy, they should consider buying something that'll improve their citizenship skills.

Support Our Troops: Quotations on Patriotism and Prayer with Magnet(s)
Because there's no better way to defend our freedom.

George W. Bush on God and Country: The President Speaks Out about Faith, Principle, and Patriotism
You'll want this on your coffee table when the State Security Apparatus pays a visit.

Orrin Hatch's Christmas Eve
With this CD, you can wake up with Orrin Hatch every day.

Haarp: The Ultimate Weapon of the Conspiracy
Learn how space aliens and the Trilateral Commission are plotting to seize control of our minds.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a spatula on Wal-Mart's web site. But I'm certain they carry them for under $10 in their stores. Owning your own spatula may be a lot cheaper than trips to Little Rock to see that guy who disciplines naughty people for money.

The French are at it again

They're trying to marginalize my important conservative message by by calling it humor. I learned the other day that the Northwest Progressive Institute awarded Jesus' General a David Neiwert Award (named to honor some guy who loves fish and detests order) for Northwest bloggers.

Here's a complete list of the awardees.

The first annual David Neiwert Awards:

Best Monitoring of Right Wing Media
Michael Hood of BlatherWatch

Best Humor/Satire
General J.C. Christian of Jesus' General

Best In-State Political Coverage from Out of the State
Carla at Preemptive Karma and T.J. at Also Also

Best Interviews
Lynn Allen of Evergreen Politics

Best Series
Daniel Kirkdoffer of On the Road to 2008

Best Muckraking Award
David Goldstein of HorsesAss

Best News Digest
Carl Ballard of Washington State Political Report

Best Legislative Coverage
Olyscoop

Best Community Driven Blogs
BlueOregon, 43rd State Blues, and Washblog.

Most Valuable Local Coverage
Julie Fanselow of Red State Rebels and Jimmy McCabe of McCranium

Update: Nominations for the Bloggies are open. Go nominate your favorite blogs.

My Inner Frenchman's Nominations:

Best British or Irish Weblog:
Bartholomews Notes on Religion
Blair Watch

Best Asian Weblog: Daai Tou Laam Diary

Best American Weblog: Crooks and Liars

Best Tagline of a Weblog: Jesus' General (Hey, I like my tagline.)

Best Weblog About Politics: Daily Kos

Best Topical Weblog:
Talk Left
Orcinus

Best GLBT Weblog: Pam's House Blend

Most Humorous Weblog:
Tbogg
The Poorman
Norbizness

Best Writing of a Weblog
The Whiskey Bar
Hullabaloo
James Wolcott

Best Group Weblog:
Pandagon
Blondesense
The American Street

Best-Kept-Secret Weblog: Tennessee Guerilla Women

Best New Weblog: FireDogLake

Lifetime Achievement Eschaton

Weblog of the Year: Crooks and Liars

Fighting Spam

I've been testing Qurb anti-spam software for the last few weeks and liked it enough to buy it. If you're troubled by spam, you might want to check it out. You can get a 15% discount (making your cost about $25) by purchasing it through this link. Full disclosure: if 5 of you buy it, I'll get a refund. Yes, I'm cheap.

Fear is the mind killer

Our Leader hasn't caught Osama bin Laden, but he's doing a bang up job rounding up brown people.

From the documentary, Persons of Interest:

SYED ALI

"Syed Ali was a partner in a successful securities firm prior to September 11th. Following an unrelated business dispute, one of his partners told the FBI Syed was a terrorist. The authorities stormed his house and found, among other things, a visitor's pass to the World Trade Center and his son's flight simulator video game. Syed was held on Rikers Island for 100 days. He lost his business; family and friends became scared off by the terror allegations. The government dropped all terrorist charges against Syed Ali. He now operates a limousine franchise. Previously a homemaker, his wife, Deliliah, found work as a legal secretary and hospital clerk."

NABIL AYESH

"Nabil is originally from Palestine. He was arrested on September 11 2001 while stopped at a traffic light in Philadelphia. "Where are you from?" Nabil remembers the officer asking him. "Israel," Nabil answered. The officer asked Nabil if he was Israeli or Arabic. "I said I'm Arabic, and they said you're under arrest." Nabil was detained for one year and seventeen days. He was never charged with anything. His wife and children were all deported back to Palestine. After he was released Nabil got a working permit and a job as a contractor. "I am trying to get my life back together," he said, "But it's hard. It was hard for me in jail. Now my main concern is my family." Nabil was re-arrested in April 2003 when police in Syracuse, NY pulled over a speeding car in which he was a passenger. He was held in a Batavia, NY jail and then deported to the West Bank, where he was reunited with his wife and four children."

MATEEN BUTT

"Mateen Butt, 26, came to the United States from Pakistan when he was nine years old. He lives in Valley Stream, New York and was working as a telecommunications analyst on Sept. 11. On Sept. 18 2002, ten officers surrounded Mateen's house at 6 a.m. and took him away in shackles. He was told he was being detained because of an application for a work visa he filed when he wad 16 years old. Mateen was interrogated and asked whether he was a Muslim and attended a Mosque, but he refused to answer. He was detained in both Middlesex and Bergen County. Mateen's experience in prison affected him dramatically. He has become much more religious and no longer feels safe here in the United States. "I don't feel free any more," he said, "I don't have the same feeling." Mateen's mother, Naz, has sold her Subway sandwich shop and the family plans to return to Karachi, Pakistan, a land Mateen has not known since he was a child."

MOHAMMED IRSHAID

"Mohammed, a civil engineer, was arrested at his job site on the 59th Street Bridge shortly after the terrorist attacks. He was handcuffed in front of his co-workers on the basis of an anonymous tip that he had threatened someone with a gun. He was held for three weeks and his story appeared on the cover of Newsweek magazine. Mohammed lives in Patterson, New Jersey with his wife, Afaf, and their three children. Mohammed is still waiting for his green card to come through. Afaf is looking for work as a medical technician or teacher. Because of Mohammed's unsettling ordeal, the family plans to move to Jordan next year."

SALEM JAFFER

"Salem was arrested just outside of Buffalo, NY in a Burger King parking lot. A Burger King employee called the police describing Salem as suspicious. When the cops arrived they claimed he was driving a stolen rental car, even though Salem was able to produce a rental contract. He was held in solitary confinement for more than one month and waged numerous hunger strikes to find out the charges against him. It took a New York jury seven minutes to clear Salem of all charges of "unauthorized use of a rental car." The case cost him $25,000 in legal fees. Salem plans to return home to California soon."

AMANDA SERRANO

"Amanda Serrano's husband Karim Tebbakh, 39, came to the United States from Algeria. Karim was arrested on Sept. 18, 2001 at the supermarket where he worked. While Karim was at work FBI agents searched his home terrorizing his wife and family. For three months following Karim's
arrest, Amanda could not find her husband. While in prison, Karim went on numerous hunger strikes. When Amanda finally visited her husband he was unrecognizable. "I've been abused. I've been hit. I didn't see the daylight for almost 4 months," he said. Following 18 months in detention, Karim was deported to Algeria. He was held for ten days in a military jail upon arrival. Amanda was able to visit her husband once since he was deported to Algeria. Tebbakh is forbidden to re-enter the United Stated and the two remain separated. They hope to move to Spain where they can be together."

FAIQ MEDRAJ

"Faiq came to the United States from Palestine in 1995 to find work to support his three children. He was arrested at the Myrtle Deli and Grocery, where he worked behind the deli counter. The police found postcards of the World Trade Center displayed in his deli case. Faiq was detained for more than three months. Faiq now works at a gourmet deli in Manhattan's East Village. He sends nearly all his earnings to his children in the Middle East. He is awaiting a court hearing for political asylum."

SHOKRIEA YAGHI

"Shokreia's husband, Ali Yaghi, was deported to Jordan after an extensive period in detention. Shokreia came from Afghanistan more than 20 years ago and settled in Albany, NY. Ali and Shokriea have three sons together. Ali, who owned a pizza shop and was active in his mosque, was arrested after neighbors told the FBI he made 'un-American' comments. He was held in a special housing unit at the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn for nine months. He was then secretly deported to Jordan. When it became clear that Ali would be unable to re-enter the United States, Shokriea took her sons to be with their father in Jordan. She returned to the United States alone to fight Ali's case. Shokriea plans to file suit against the federal government for violating Ali's constitutional rights. She wants to write a book with her husband about his detention."

Well, I certainly feel a lot safer knowing that the State Security Apparatus is recruiting Burger King employees to spy on us and dissappearing people who make 'un-American' comments. How about you?

Let's take a moment now to reflect on what Our Leader has given us.

I'm Proud to be an American
By Lee Greenwood

If tomorrow all the things were gone I'd worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife,
I'd thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
'Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away.

I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free,
And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me,
And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land
God Bless the U.S.A.

The General ♥ Stephen from the UK

Thanks Stephen for the Green Day DVD. Jesus of Suburbia is unlike any of the hymns we sing in sacrament meeting. I love it.

Elton John destroys a marriage

Dennis Prager
The Dennis Prager Show

Dear Mr. Prager,

I'm a little confused by your announcement that you're divorcing your bride of seventeen years. Coming at the top of your show's "Happiness Hour," I can't help but wonder if you are looking upon it as being a celebratory event. That doesn't seem to be in keeping with the family values focus of your show.

Have you identified the specific cause of your impending divorce? Is Elton John responsible? Did his recent marriage cause you to come under the spell of some kind of homo-pop mojo that compels you to dance when you think of bachelorhood? If so, the homosexuals may be far more clever than we anticipated. They foresaw that we'd prepare for the onslaught on marriage their legal parings would spark, so they threw a slider rather than a fastball.

We need you back in the fight, so please at least pretend that you're saddened by this event.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.S. Does this mean that Mrs. Prager's spot on your upcoming cruise is now available at a discount?

A helmet tip to reader Elton (No, not that one).

Why I'm joining the Confirm Alito Coalition

I've decided to join the Confirm Alito Coalition. He may worship the Whore of Babylon, but dammit, he'll put not-men, not-Christians, not-owners, Congress, people who are too attached to rights, and brown people in their proper places. Just take a look at his record.

He believes that Article I of the Constitution is one of those subscription cards you allow to fall out of your magazine while pretending not to notice.

He believes that the Fourth Amendment is one of those perfumed magazine thingies that you sneak into your bathroom where you rub it all over yourself while whistling I Feel Pretty from West Side Story. Then you feel guilty so you light it on fire and flush it down the toilet, and if Ofjoshua asks you what you were doing, you scream, "I was doing man things, dammit; why are you always bitching at me?"

He believes that ladies have the same rights as Neal Horsley's mule.

He treats ladies like they are little girls.

He thinks the State has the right to strip search little girls.

He supports the right of all Little Green Footballs commenters to purchase machine guns.

He's supportive of owners who fire employees for being brown.

He doesn't think the Family Leave Act is necessary because ladies should be home anyway.

He's a firm believer in the right of corporations to improve the land, air, and water with infusions of mercury, PCBs, and dioxins.

He will defend Christmas against attacks from secularists, Jews, and other guest-Americans.

He's not one of those fancy men who wear the right kind of glasses.

Update:

The General ♥ Michael from DC and Michelle from Billings

With all the usual purely heterosexual and Ofjoshua-proof disclaimers.

Thank you Michelle for the Curb Your Enthusiasm Fourth Season DVD.

Hold on a second, John Ashcroft is speaking. He's in this documentary I'm watching on the Sundance Channel. He's telling us that the Constitution makes a fantastic bird cage liner. It wouldn't be prudent to continue typing while he's on. I'd hate to be disappeared and rendered to Uzbekistan.

OK, he's done.

Anyway, thank you Michelle for the DVD. I really enjoy receiving these things.

And thank you Michael for sending Al Franken's book, The Truth (with Jokes). I can't remember. Are we supposed to hate him more than Michael Moore?

Thanks again. I wish you both a fantastic 2006

Preemptive genocide

Solomon II
Solomon's House

Dear Mr. Two,

Like you, I believe that sometimes genocide can be a good thing. I support your call to destroy Iran, Lebanon, and Syria with nuclear weapons, but will that really guarantee Israel's safety? Given the Palestinian birthrate in Judea, Samaria, and within Israel itself, how long will it take before Israel loses its Jewish identity? Apartheid isn't a long term solution. Eventually, you'll need to come up with a final solution to the Palestinian problem.

Have you considered death camps in the Negev? They could be built very easily using slave labor from the Palestinian ghettos.

I'm sure you'd receive a lot of support from American patriots. After all, our support of domestic spying, disappearances, and torture is proof that we're frightened enough to whole-heartedly embrace anything.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Aryan supermen of the 101st Keyboarding Division

I think I have pneumonia, but fear not, there are plenty of patriots like these fighting keyboarders around to protect us while I recuperate. Men like Anarchangel and his friends aren't afraid to confront our mus-com enemies by shooting their dangerous holy books. Thank God they've chosen to do this important work in lieu of military service. Somebody needs to cover the Koran front.

Don't miss the video. Anarchangel's use of Rammstein's Feuer Frei, a Strormfront favorite, in the soundtrack is pure genius.

A helmet tip to Bart of Iraq, who's been after me to post about this for months.

Update: And let us not forget the Little Green Kommandos of the 101st Keyboarding Division.



More pictures here.

Thanks for a great year

Triumph of the will

There are those who think there’s something unseemly about Our Leader’s almost pathological need to clear brush. I don’t. He’s simply acting on the instincts the Lord provided him. Some of these instincts are shared by all real men; others are birthrights, given only to those whose actions in the War for Heaven earned them the right to be born into an exalted linage.

When Our Leader sees a stand of cedar on his land, he sees a rival, a usurper bent on seizing control of his property. It matters not whether the trees are acting malevolently, or even acting on anything other than their genetic coding. Nor does it matter that the stand is his property as well, because, although it belongs to him, it is exploiting his other property without permission. Such independent action undermines his ultimate sovereignty over all things. The cedar must be destroyed.

So Our Leader assaults the cedar stand, butchering the insolent timber with his terrible chainsaw of vengeance like it is a basic liberty standing in the path of his historical significance. Sap and sawdust fill the air as he imposes his sovereign will onto the dissident foliage until finally there is nothing left but a wild version of yard waste and our smiling leader triumphantly striking a match.