John Amato: Righter of Wrongs

John Amato of Crooks and Liars may be a Frenchman, but that doesn't stop him from fighting for justice. When he saw that Amazon wasn't spotlighting my review of Mrs. O'Beirne's book, he successfully demanded that they do the right thing. For that, I hereby bestow upon him the highest reward I can give, honorary Seahawkhood.

Update: It's now gone, but you can still read it here.

Jose Padilla's Al Qaeda Membership Application

***A Jesus' General Exclusive***

After learning that the State Security Apparatus had recovered Jose Padilla's Al Qaeda membership application, I made a few calls to my contacts and obtained a scanned copy.



Update: Blah3 has Al Qaeda's new, updated application form.

And here's Al Qaeda's Career Opportunities Page.

"Women Who Make The World Worse"

The latest on Mrs. O'Beirne's book.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Thanks, but I'm only partially responsible

"Adam" lambastes the General in this comment:

RE: Fake Alito Profile on Google

Pulling shit like this is what causes us to lose Presidential elections -- we haven't won a Presidential election in almost a decade. In addition, without winning elections, we can't nominate our OWN to the Supreme Court. Nice going, jerkoff.

As the commander of the Red Guard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution, I'd like to take full credit for destroying the Democratic Party, but the Jivester is equally responsible. This post alone (not work safe in Utah or Kansas) will cost the Democrats at least 20 congressional seats in 2006 and put an end of Roe v. Wade.

Why can't we get some of that Abramoff money?

And as long as I'm posting responses to the Alito profile...

From: "Larry Reilly" larry@taskmortgage.com
Subject: You're a fucking idiot

See subject

From: Tdavis262@aol.com
Subject: Samuel Alito: I want your briefs

You are one sick son of a bitch!

From: Tdavis262@aol.com
Subject: Samuel Alito: I want your briefs

I can't believe anyone of sane mind would post something as sick as this is!

Redemption: I gave Cairo the Boxer 11 biscuits.

Correction

In my post on the Jewish, Israeli, and Eliminationist Blog Awards, I credited Aaron's CC: as the blog that gave the world Rachel Corrie pancake jokes. Apparently, I was wrong. The publisher of Only in Israel proudly claims to be the original source for those jokes. Aaron just marketed them by selling items like this:



Here are a couple of verses from Only in Israel's eulogy for Rachel Corrie:

And she was rich - yes, richer than a king -
A spoiled white trash girl in all her grace.
In fine we thought that she was everything
To make us thank we weren't in her place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Rachel Corrie, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a DOZER through her head.

Now I understand why gentiles like Charles Johnson and Cox and Forkum are JIB nominees.

Confederate Yankee vindicated

First Google mocked our Lord and Savior. Now, they're attacking Judge Alito.

From the Political Adolescent:

Google Base is a service that lets you maintain a personal space on the internet, something like a website. It allows you to make a biography of your self so others can view it, you can consider this something like those e-meeting websites. However, in this situation someone has created a profile of Supreme Court Justice nominee Samuel Alito that portrays him as a bigot, pedophile, and woman hater.

[...]

Does it surprise me that this "profile" is still available after four days of the initial posting? Not at all. Considering the Google search engine allows the biography of President George W. Bush to be the first result of "failure".

Brandi fingers the Bolsheviks

Brandi Swindell
National Director, Generation Life

Dear Miss Swindell,

I was worried that your 40 point loss in the Boise City Council race might affect your position as a national leader in the forced childbirth lobby*. Thankfully, your last blog post put my fears to rest. Not only are you leading the charge to confirm Judge Alito, you're also exposing communists while you're at it.

I hadn't realized that communism was still so strong in this country until you pointed out that "it's communists that (sic) hate President Bush and Judge Alito." I thought you might be overstating it a little bit at first, but after thinking about it for a while, it's very probable that over half of our nations citizens are communists. It would sure explain why Hank at the feed store wears that "F#ck the Bourgeoisie" tee shirt and why the guys at the coffee shop are always arguing the merits of a popular, proletarian-based revolution versus one led my a small cadre of politically reliable intellectuals.

But what do we do with this knowledge now that we have it? Do you want us to make lists of possible communists in our communities? Should we be reporting them to the FBI. Perhaps you could give us guidance in your next blog post.

I am a heterosexual,

General JC Christian, patriot

Update: Russ has more on our Princess Talibania.

*I used the words "compelled birth movement" in the original email to Miss Swindell, but I like Rick Perlstein's term "forced childbirth lobby" better, so I stole it.

The Jewish and Israeli [and a trio of American Gentiles] Blog Awards

In a comment on one of my previous posts, Ed Marshall asks, "How exactly did Charles Johnson get into a best "Jewish or Israeli" blog contest anyway?" It's a good question. After all the publisher of Little Green Footballs is about as Jewish as a Wyoming honky tonk, yet not only is he up for awards in two categories, he's a past winner.

Chuck isn't the only American gentile in the mix. John Cox and Allen Forkum of Cox and Forkum--goyim so goyish they think a knish is an effeminate basketball player--are in the running for two awards as well.

So how does a trio of gentiles get nominated for (and in Chuck's case, win) a best "Jewish and Israeli" blog award. Well from what I can see, being either Jewish or Israeli isn't as important being politically in line with about ten percent of the Jews in the United States. That is to say you must be almost almost genocidal in your support of Israel. I'll admit that 10 percent is a guess, but I think it's a good one. While most Jews support Israel, I doubt that more than 10 percent would consider genocide or ethnic cleansing as desirable methods for achieving security. Even the General won't go that far. From what I've seen at the JIB nominated websites, the majority of the nominees are eager to collectively punish brown people as viciously as possible. That might not be in line with the thinking of most Jews, but I guess that isn't the point of these awards.

Sure there are exceptions, like DovBear, jewschool and a few others, but most of the nominees are like Best Jewish Humor Award contestant Aaron's CC, the blog that gave the world Rachel Corrie pancake jokes. That's just the beginning. A stroll through the list of Chuck's competitors will lead you to jewels like the following.

Only in Israel's caption for a photo showing soldiers beating a brown person:

That kinda gives a new interpretation to "go back to where you came from".

Smooth Stone stands up for Pat:

Folks, I am still surprised at the raging near-global disapproval of Pat Robertson's comment about Ariel Sharon on his program Â?The 700 ClubÂ?.

[...]

So far, all that Pat Robertson has done was quote a biblical principal. God explicitly promised in the Torah that He would have a constant, 24/7 connection with the Land of Israel and those who dwell here: "A land that the Lord your God scrutinizes constantly; the eyes of the Lord your God are on it from the beginning of the year until the end of the year." -- Deut. 11:12.

[...]

One thing is clear to me: G-d has blessed Israel by re-uniting Jerusalem and bringing Judea, Samaria and Gaza back under its control. Based on what our sages teach us, it is a horrendous sin against G-d to renounce this inheritance to which Israel is entitled. Israel holds these lands as a sacred trust for the Jewish people in perpetuity.

In a post titled "Donating organs to the enemy," Soccer Dad responds to the news that a the family of a brown child killed by Israeli troops donated his organs to Israelis:

And in what circumstances did those minors die? Ahmed, was carrying a toy rifle in a place where the Israeli army was operating. Hardly a wise decision. And even if Israel apologizes, was it wrong for the Israeli soldiers to shoot first and ask questions later?

Mugata tells hitchiking tales:

Besides its pikuach nefesh to pick up a unarmed teenager by say tzomat eli at 11 at night. Because i have spent the night there... not to mention there are wild pigs there (the animals and the arabs)

Zion Report gives us a lesson in Democracy that could have come straight out of one of Our Leader's speeches:

You consistently hear Israelis brag about how allowing Arabs to hold Knesset seats displays our goodness. I disagree. I think it's a display of weakness, and I know that our enemies see it as such.

To allow a sworn enemy, who actively supports the destruction of the nation who pays his salary, to maintain his position is suicidal at best.

I'll admit that after learning that gentiles like Chuck and the forkum boys were up for these awards, I was a little dissappointed about being overlooked. But now that I have a better understanding of the selection criteria, I know that I'll make it next year if I can only hate brown people just a little bit more.

Whoops

Somehow, I overlooked the threat DovBear poses to the JIB balloting for Jewish Culture Group A. In monitoring his work over the last year or so, I've learned that he is so French, he dances the hora to the Patti LaBelle version of Lady Marmalade.

My Amazon Review of Mrs O'Beirne's book is finally up

Amazon says it "was inadvertently withheld in processing." Please consider clicking the "This review was helpful to you" button if you enjoy it.

Anyway, it's currently listed here.

Update: It's now gone, but you can still read it here.

Cold Justice

Sen. Sam Brownback
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Brownback,

You've made a lot of progress in your fight to end discrimination against Blastocyst-American citizens. There is certainly less informal discrimination around today--I seldom hear anyone use slurs like "blob" or "goo" anymore. Unfortunately, a more damaging form of bigotry, institutional blastocysism, continues.

A classic example of this kind of discrimination occurred yesterday in Arizona when Candace Dickinson was fined $367 for improper use of a carpool lane. According to CNN, Dickenson told the officer that her use of the carpool lane was legal because she is pregnant, but that didn't dissuade the activist judge from fining her anyway.

Institutional blastocysism will continue to haunt us until the public finally begins to see that Blastocyst-Americans are people too. As a likely presidential candidate in 2008, you're the man who could make that happen. All you need to do is promise to appoint a Blastocyst-American to the Supreme Court. That'll prompt the media to do more feature stories on Blastocyst-Americans and the hard lives they lead. They might even become as popular as white women in danger.

Once you're elected, think about how easy it'll be to get a Blastocyst-American through the nomination process. Just put one of those snowflake babies on the table and it will be the Alito hearings all over again--the Senators can ask questions all day long and they'll never get an answer. The only sound anyone will hear is Wolf Blitzer's praise for the frozen embryo's coolness under fire.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Ending hunger one Jesus bib at a time

Diane Jimenez
Bibfeeder

Dear Mrs. Jimenez,

Your company's press release was like no other I've read before. Indeed, I don't believe I've ever been witnessed by a media advisory until now. All I can say is "hallelujah!"

Surely, the Holy Spirit prompted you to call the Bibfeeder "a blessing to the Kingdom of Heaven" and "a blessing to starving children of the world" for it is certainly both of those things. Now, we need to make the Holy Spirits words a reality. Have you figured out a way to stuff a hundred pounds of rice into each Bibfeeder in a way that it will not crush any infant who wears it? It wasn't addressed in your press release.

I am not a homosexual.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to jewschool, the French blog that is spanking our dear little green brown-people-hater, Pam, in the JIB balloting for Best Politics Group A. If you haven't voted, please do so now. And don't forget the other contests where Pam faces a crypto-French Jesus-hater and a young lady who is younger and less plasticized than Our Lady of the Little Green Jihad.

Note: It's early for a post, but blogger is acting up and I need to get them in while I can. I'm also sick and want to go to bed early, so please don't send me anything that I can't resist posting about tonight (like the thing I'm working on now).

My latest Amazon review

My review of Kate O'Beirne's Women Who Make the World Worse : and How Their Radical Feminist Assault Is Ruining Our Schools, Families, Military, and Sports is finally up.

Update: It's now gone.

Mrs. O'Beirne ignores the most dangerous feminist myth of them all., May 12, 2005
Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I found many truths in Mrs. O'Beirne's book, truths so self-evident that I have to wonder why no one has stated them until now. For instance, how could anyone argue with her assertion that feminists exploit female war casualties to "advance the feminist agenda of androgyny and abortion." Even I have to admit that every time I hear that another woman has been sacrificed in our glorious Iraq adventure, I'm tempted to tell my wife, Ofjoshua, to throw on a pair of jeans, head for the nearest women's health clinic, and help them slaughter a whole passel of blastocyst-Americans.

But I think it's her frequent attacks against the television show, "Sex in the City," that I value most about this book. By promoting the myth that women should enjoy sex, that show has done more to destroy the institution of marriage than even homosexual unions. I think most men will agree with me when I say that there isn't a woman alive who isn't thoroughly repulsed by sex. Telling them that it should be a pleasant experience rather than a vomit-inducing one only serves to cause them to resent their husbands when the impossible isn't delivered. Hopefully, this book will help destroy that myth.

As much as I enjoyed this book, I can't give it more than a single star because it has a fatal flaw. It promotes the most destructive myth of all, the existence of lesbianism. Mrs. O'Beirne discusses it throughout the book as if it is something that is real. She doesn't seem to be able to understand that women can't have sex with each other. They don't have little soldiers.

Robbie hates Jesus

When I warned people that our little green, brown-people-hating neocon friend, Pamela, might be defeated by Because I'm In My Twenties and It's What You Do in the JIB balloting for Best New Blog Group A, I didn't know just how heretical that blog is.

He wrote the following in response to my previous post:

It's Me Against Jesus

I hope this finally lays to rest any doubts that Mel Gibson was right.

He also goes on to write:

I'm all fine with competition, but he called me French!

[...]

I'm not French! (Just gay - but they're not the same, really!)

Well, Mr. Hates Jesus, gay or morose, French is as French does regardless of your mood.

Now that we know the truth about Robbie, our choice becomes a whole lot easier. We can put our Xs next to a brown-people-hating neocon or cast our votes for Robbie, a happy crypto-Frenchman who hates Jesus. I know what I'm going to do.

The General ♥ Linda from Big Sky Country...

... in a way which Ofjoshua would approve.

Thank you very much for the Control Room DVD. I've wanted to see it for a long time, but those kinds of movies don't make it to the Bugtussle Picture Show. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

And a big apology to whoever sent me the McGuyver DVD's. Ofjoshua Jr coveted them and lost the invoice when she opened the box. Please send me an email at patriotboy[at]charter[dot]net so that I can properly thank you.

Pam's in trouble

Voting for the best Jewish and Israeli Blogs is underway and our favorite little green, brown-people-hating neocon, Pamela, is up for the following awards:

Best New Blog Group A -- It would be absolutely terrible if she was defeated by a Frenchman like Because I'm In My Twenties and It's What You Do.

Best Politics Group A -- Oh my God. She's in a life and death struggle with Jesus' General reader jewschool.

Best Israel Advocacy Group A -- Pamela is going to need some help beating the younger and less plasticized Jewlicious. I also notice that Jewlicious has jewschool on her blogroll.

At home with the 101st Fighting Keyboarders

I've often complained that people don't show enough respect for those heroes who risk carpal tunnel syndrome fighting the Islamofascist menace under the most difficult of battlefield conditions, the chilly, lonely hell of their mother's dark, damp, spider infested basements. Yet, they don't complain, for they know they're contributing something vitally important to the war effort, a semblance of a national will to continue the fight.

A few hours ago, I read a post at Captain's Quarters that prompted me to think about the important work the 101st Fighting Keyboarders are doing. It was basically a mash note from Captain Ed to Mr. Rove. Reading it, I was reminded of the time he allowed me to tour his basement command center. It was a short tour. His mother sent me home after she got into an argument with the Captain about taking out the trash. But I did get one picture of a shrine he built to Mr. Rove on the wall opposite the foot of his bed. I share this photo with you tonight in order to show you Ed's human side, the part of him that hasn't been touched by the horrors he's seen when Cheeto shortages have sent him into DTs.



A helmet tip to Crooks and Liars.

Priests and Pam entice God to attend Alito hearing

Rev. Rob Schenck, president of the National Clergy Council, and Rev. Patrick Mahoney, president of the Christian Defense Coalition anoint the doors of a Senate hearing room in preparation for the Alito confirmation hearing. As I wrote earlier, the pair claims that they also snuck into the same room and anointed the chairs with oil.



Helmet tip to reader Anntichrist S. Coulter.

All that Utah jazz

Pulling the movie, Brokeback Mountain, from his chain of theaters is only a part of Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller's plan to use his business clout to defend traditional cowboy values. Watch out for these upcoming Jazz promotions:



Updates:

Take the Tbogg challenge.
I'm from Ghazni.

Does anyone here speak French?

What does this say?

Softening Sammy

As our domestic enemies begin their grassroots campaigns to derail the Alito confirmation, I'm encouraged to see him taking steps to soften his image.

Oiling the chairs of government

Michael Chertoff
Secretary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Dear Sec. Chertoff,

I think the Department of Homeland Security and its sister brother departments are doing a terrific job defending our liberties. Our government's mail intercepts, wiretaps, tracking of dissidents, secret prisons, and subjecting of suspects to pain slightly less than equivalent to that experienced during organ failure are excellent methods for defending the values we hold most dear. That said, there is still more you can do.

Are you aware of the recent Wall Street Journal article about the three pastors who snuck into a Senate hearing room and anointed the chairs with oil in preparation for next week's Alito confirmation hearing?

Why did they have to break into the hearing room? Weren't the chairs already consecrated with oil? If not, why would the Department of Homeland Security overlook such an important security precaution as the anointing of our elected and appointed officials' chairs?

You can't expect a few good pastors with a gallon of Crisco and a briefcase full of burglary tools to do your work for you. It isn't efficient. They can't break into every government office in Washington. And how can we guarantee the quality of the substance they're rubbing onto our leaders' chairs? For all we know, it could have been blessed by Catholics, or God forbid, Mormons. There needs to be some kind of quality control.

You are charged with defending the Homeland. It's your responsibility to see that all the right chairs are properly oiled. Your department has its own burglary tools and the ability to procure government spec anointing oil from any Administration approved company. Isn't it time you started to do your job?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Via Pharyngula