The Specter Court

Thank your Senators in advance.

A lesson from big Russ

Regular readers may remember that last Fall, I scooped the euro-biased media by publishing a transcript of Tim Russert's testimony to the Plame grand jury. I was reminded of that testimony today, when I read that Arianna Huffington was complaining about Mr. Russert's use of Rovian tactics against her. It's heartwarming to see a man use the lessons he learned as a boy in the fight against our domestic enemies.

Here's the relevant clip from Russert's testimony:

MR. RUSSERT: Well, I must have been about ten or eleven--I was in the sixth grade. I had a crush on a girl named Beth. She was the most beautiful girl in our class. Every recess I'd try to get her attention by hurling dodgeballs at her head.

One day, just as I was ready to throw, Bobby Hindenlocker snuck up behind me and gave me a wedgie. Of course, Beth laughed, and I was thoroughly humiliated.

That night at dinner, Big Russ noticed that I wasn't fighting for the last pork chop with my usual vigor and asked if something was bothering me. I had tried to put on a brave face until then, but Big Russ's question unleashed the logjam of emotions I worked so hard to hide. Sobbing, I told him of my love for Beth and the shame I had felt because of Bobby's treachery. I ended my story with a vow to beat Bobby to a pulp the next day.

Big Russ reached over and gave me a big hug and told me that fighting people wouldn't solve my problems. "It's better to destroy their families," he said. Then he took me by the hand and led me up into the attic, the one place in the house that was forbidden to children.

I can't describe how proud I felt at that moment. By taking me to the attic, the domain of men, Big Russ was acknowledging that I was ready to become a man and learn the secrets of the brotherhood.

Overwhelmed by this rite of passage, I hadn't noticed that Big Russ was digging a box out of a pile of old curtains in the corner until he opened it and pulled out a big bag of white powder. "What's that," I asked. Big Russ responded by dipping his finger into the powder, tasting it, and declaring "pure horse." My father had just repeated a scene from the opening credits of my favorite TV show, "The Mod Squad." By doing so, he had connected with me at my level. Big Russ was always doing things like that. It's what made us so close.

He then pulled out a pistol and explained that it had been used in a number of liquor store robberies. Big Russ told me to take the bag of heroin and the pistol over to Bobby's house and hide them. Once I returned, he'd tip off the police and Bobby's dad would go to the big house. That would eventually lead to divorce and destitution for Bobby's family, and I'd have my revenge.

I followed Big Russ's advice, and you know what, he was absolutely right. In less than a year, Bobby and his mother had moved to Topeka to live with her family. He never embarrassed me again.

Big Russ was the wisest man I ever knew.

The fallback position

It looks like Our Leader's agenda will continue even if French senators suddenly grow a spine and filibuster Judge Alito. I can't tell you who gave me this, but Sen. Frist is ready to introduce these amendments to the Amendments if needed.

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law without the expressed approval of the executive or his deputy chief of staff. respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia A confident male citizenry, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people white, Christian men to keep and bear arms of very large caliber with long, hardened, masculine barrels, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III

No soldier fighting keyboarder shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house required to leave his basement for the purpose of procuring Cheetos, without first receiving from his mother, a sum equivalent to the cost of a single family sized or six "Big Grab" bags the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but with the additional funds equivalent to the cost of a six-pack of Mountain Dew and a package of pepperoni in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures is a pre-9/11 concept that is inoperative for as long as the most patriotic citizens continue to wet their pants at the sight of a brown person. shall not be violated, and nNo warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause the whim of the executive or his deputy chief of staff, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the ideological leanings, degree of browness, or resale value of persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment of browness or or a need to demonstrate success in a war against an intangible quality indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, incidents that may cause embarrassment to the executive or his deputy chief of staff or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war, or public danger, period of fear or in the face of declining poll numbers; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb unless the previous instance of jeopardy resulted in acquittal; nor, unless brown or non-Christian shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor unless brown or non-Christian be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, for purposes other than to build a baseball stadium for the executive without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions of white, Christian males, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense. Should the defendant be brown and Muslim, he has the right to be held indefinitely while being raped with glowsticks as long as the pain to which he is subjected approaches, but is not equivalent to, that which accompanies organ failure.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the plaintiff is a greedy litigious bastard and is therefore granted all of the rights afforded to brown people under Amendment VI. the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted unless such actions will generate ratings for the O'Reilly Factor equivalent to those generated by a missing white woman.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the executive people.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the executive exclusively states respectively, or to his deputy chief of staff or Alexander Haigthe people.

Thank you

I was hoping to get enough donations today so that I wouldn't be embarrassed if I decided to do one of those fundraising thermometer things tonight. Imagine my surprise when I came home and discovered that my goal had been met. Thank you. You folks are incredible. I really appreciate your help and kind wishes.

Thanks to Atrios, John Amato, and Digby for the links. It's humbling to get that kind of support from the Blogistan's best. I'm sure there are others I'll find out about later. Thank you too.

I may have a little money left over after I've taken care of things. I'll invest it in something that'll make Jesus' General even better. Any suggestions? Maybe it's time to learn how to use Flash.

Thanks again. I'm speechless. I'm going to thank you all individually, but it might take awhile.

Please help

I don't like to ask for contributions, but I'm in a jam right now and need to raise about $3000. If you enjoy what I do and have a few extra bucks, please consider giving. I'd really appreciate it.

Please don't feel bad if you can't. I understand, and as I've said before, I do this because I enjoy it and it thrills me that so many others like what I do.

You can donate by clicking either the paypal or amazon links in my sidebar.

A prayer in the Heartland

Earlier this week, Reverend Tom Swartley stood before the Nebraska Unicameral Legislature and asked the Lord to help the legislators understand that they can save Social Security by seizing control of women's uteri:

Almighty God, we come humbly into your presence this morning, seeking your favor.

[...]

Open our eyes to the other aspects of this 33-year-long bloody nightmare. Open our eyes to see that we've killed 47 million young American taxpayers, and indeed Social Security is in crisis. Open our eyes to see that 47 million of our countrymen are gone - doctors, lawyers, inventors, authors, musicians and artists. Forgive us, oh God, and open our eyes and change our path. Comfort the mothers and fathers who have great wonder and regret. Heal us, oh God.

And that juvenile delinquency is caused by the teaching of evolution:

Forgive us also, Lord, for the teaching of the religion of evolution to our young citizens, a religion that tells us that we are only here by chance; that we are here for no reason and human life means nothing more than any other life; that we will never face a Judgment Day. We've put our children into the same category as other mammals, and we wonder why sometimes they act like animals. Forgive us for sowing the seeds of anarchy in the hearts of children.

Unfortunately, he stopped there, blowing his opportunity to ask for Jesus' help with the agenda of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Agenda. Imagine how much better the prayer would have been had he added the following:

Lord, please bless the State Security Apparatus, that it might conduct it's wiretaps to the best of its abilities. Provide Our Leader with the ability to look into our bedrooms, so that He might catch French politicians putting their little soldiers in ladies' mouths and watch celebrities doing it. And Lord, let him share those videos with godly men like myself, who may then rail against these evils from our pulpits.

And bless our interrogators and their glowsticks and electrified nipple clamps of freedom. Provide them with the ability to induce pain as close as possible to that experienced during organ failure without quite equaling it.

And give us the ability to kill brown people more efficiently, so that our contractors may garner more fruit from their labor.

Amen

August pops the kitty question to the Inquisitor General

I'd like to hear the Inquisitor General's answer to August's question. Is he as supportive of kitten flattening as he is of inducing pain approaching, but not equivalent to that experienced during organ failure? My guess is yes, because smashing kitties comforts us when we're afraid that the brown people will get us.

Elsewhere: Has the Frenchman of the Freeways become the Parkway Patriot?

Jewish and Israeli [and Eliminationist] Blog Awards

I'm on the road tonight and having problems with my internet connection. Hopefully, this will get through.

The final round of voting is now underway for the Jewish and Israeli Blog. The best thing about these awards is that you don't need to be Jewish or Israeli to compete in them. Non-Israeli gentiles are welcome if they have a documented history of hating brown people. Of course Little Green Footballs and Cox & Forkum have no problem meeting such a requirement, but I'm worried that an organized group of Frenchmen might concentrate their votes for the handful of Franco-Jewish blogs in the running. I'm especially worried about one called jewschool, that has been very vocal in saying that LGF shouldn't be considered for the Israel Advocacy award because hating brown people shouldn't qualify as advocacy. Update: DovBear has been very vocal as well.

Other patriotic, genocide-and-apartheid-loving blogs like Atlas Shrugs and Aaron's CC: are also in danger of being overtaken by these traitorous Jewish blogs. They need your help to ensure that it doesn't happen.

I'd like to list all of the brown people hating blogs here, but that list would be huge. Virtually all the ones I looked at would qualify. So instead, I'll list the French ones and the categories they're running in.

Best Jewish Humor Blog (against Cox & Forkum and Aaron's cc:, the blog that popularized Rachel Corrie pancake jokes)
Because I'm In My Twenties And It's What You Do

Best Israel Advocacy Blog (against Little Green Footballs and Atlas Shrugs)
Jewlicious

Best New Blog 2005 (against Atlas Shrugs)
Because I'm In My Twenties And It's What You Do

Best Designed Blog
Jewschool
Orthodox Anarchist

Best 'Life in Israel' Blog
Orthodox Anarchist

Best Post
Dov Bear
Orthodox Anarchist

Best Jewish Religion Blog
Dov Bear

Best Series
Jewlicious(Hate Site of the Weak)

Best Overall Blog
Jewschool
Dov Bear

Best Jewish Culture Blog
Jewschool
Dov Bear

Best Politics and Current Affairs Blog
Jewschool
Dov Bear

Best Personal Blog
Orthodox Anarchist

Best Group Blog
Jewschool

Best Overall 'Mega' Blog
No Frenchmen. It's The Brown People Hating Hall of Fame.

You can't fight Islamism with homosexual cheetahs

Andrew Longman
Tent Maker

Dear Mr. Longman,

I fell to floor trembling with the spirit of the Lord after reading these opening lines from your January 20th Renew America column:

It is cognitively and nationally dissonant to propose on one hand the advancement of the homosexualization of your most identified national folk icon and simultaneously bluster with the impending force of a war to defend that same civilization. The homosexualization of your most revered masculinity is the cheapest and stupidest shot you can take at the survival of your own culture and it is really inappropriately timed when you are facing, from threats abroad, the most substantial existential peril the nation has ever known. You can't fight Islamism with gay cowboys.

Unfortunately, we can't fight Islamism with College Republicans either. I blame this on the homosexualization of another revered national icon, Chester Cheetah, the Cheeto mascot. The Chester I knew as a youth, a manly carnivore in Chuck Norris aviator sunglasses, is now a cyclist, an enthusiast of France's national sport. When our warrior-age sons reach for their favorite staple, they see him sprawled out across the bag, flaunting his bulge against tight spandex bicycle shorts, tempting them with the siren song of Sodom and replacing their dreams of slaughtering brown people with plans to hold affirmative action bake sales.

This subversion of our youth is painful to see, but as you note further down in your article, men like you and me also pay a price when our icons are homosexualized:

Has it occurred to the great bulk of our people that we need to quit tolerating the forces of internal destruction which work night and day to deconstruct our manliness at a time when our nation faces an absolute need for valor, ferocity, the force of arms...Has it occurred to anyone, anyone at all, that it is immoral to assault masculinity?

Yes, I, too have had my manliness deconstructed and am therefore unable approach my wife, Ofjoshua, with valor and ferocity. I have no force left in my "arms." It just lies there mocking me, waking only to taunt me when I'm watching wrestling on TV or looking at a bag of Cheetos.

The worst thing about it is that everybody knows. Sure, they don't come right out and say it, but you can see it in their eyes and the way they hold their hands in front of their zippers.

So we try to hide it. We change our names to something like Hardman or Longman and tell people that we work as "tent makers" while giving them a conspiratorial wink. But it doesn't help. They still know how our masculinity has been stolen from us by homosexual Marlboro men and snackfood mascots with seductive bulges.

All we can do is pray for relief.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Melior.

In the spotlight

Mus-Com blogger Atta J. Turk and the General now share the Amazon Reviewer's spotlight with our critiques of Fred Barnes' Rebel-in-Chief.

And some damned Frenchman posted a blasphemous image.

Update: Amazon removed my review. They said it included "remarks about an
author/artist that we feel are spiteful in tone."

You can still read it here.

Let a million emails bloom

Yahoo! Inc.
Kiersten Hollars
408-349-3409

Dear Ms. Hollars,

I'm surprised that Yahoo! Inc. hasn't done a better job telling your side of the Shi Tao controversy. Your silence has allowed special interest groups to promote their own narrative, one that makes Yahoo!'s actions appear morally criminal. There's even a petition urging people to boycott your products.

It isn't too late for you to turn things around. I'm thinking along the lines of a massive advertising campaign focusing on how Yahoo! works with state security services around the world to enhance their governments' security. Of course, you'd start out with China.

You could begin with a TV ad telling the story of how you turned over Shi Tao's email records to Chinese Intelligence so that they could jail him for distributing the governments "warning [to] journalists of the dangers of social destabilisation and risks resulting from the return of certain dissidents on the 15th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre." I'm sure that if you portray it as a security issue--like Our Leader is trying to do with domestic spying--you'll win the public over to your side.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

Helmet tip to Bartholomew of Bartholowmew's Notes on Religion.

Note from my Inner Frenchman: I will no longer accept email originating from a Yahoo! account. If you want to email me, you'll need to use a different service.

Update: BooYahoo! has more.

Brown Person Jesus

I was going to write about the South African film, Son of Man, but after watching Russert's interview with Sen. Obama, I've decided to just email Steve Gilliard and ask him to comment on it.

Operation Yellow Elephant Warning Order

Karl conducts the briefing.

Would you support Our Leader if he killed a kitten with a hammer

I don't quite understand why Mr. Pollack is asking conservatives if they'd continue to support Our Leader if he killed a series of kittens using a "standard carpenter's hammer, of steel construction with a rubber handle grip." Of course we would. We are patriots after all.

I'm very pleased that the Emperor Misha I of The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler responded affirmatively and that his deputy, Lord Spatula (who may or may not be the man in Seattle who spanks me for money), upped the ante by threatening to murder Mr. Pollack. But I'm also disappointed that Dr. Rusty Shackleford of the JAWA Report refused to answer the question. There is no shame in declaring one's loyalty. Our Leader deserves better.

Update: Solomon II, our favorite proponant of pre-emptive genocide, is already spinning a defense for those of us who would support Our Leader's kitten slaughtering. From our Reports to the General:

Winston Churchill once kicked a cat while he was on the phone. Should his political career have been ended then and there?

Solomon2 | Homepage | 01.22.06 - 7:55 am |

Thank God Our Leader has wise men like Solomon II preparing our daily spin.

My ideological soulmate

Kathryn Jean Lopez
Editor, National Review Online

Dear Miss Lopez,

Your January 20 column, The Sacking" of O'Beirne inaccurately labeled me as a Frenchman. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am an American patriot. Indeed, I suspect that we are ideological soulmates.

I'm an ardent supporter of the forced childbirth lobby and the right of fetus-Americans to bear arms--an armed fetus-American is a safe fetus-American. I also believe that Our Leader has a divine right to torture suspects, deny due process, spy on dissenters, and betray CIA agents who endanger our nation by marrying those who would embarrass our President.

Most importantly, I firmly believe that the greatest threat this country faces is the society's abandonment of traditional gender roles. That's why I'm so disturbed by your assertion that I am part of a feminist conspiracy to trash Mrs. O'Beirne's book.

I understand how you could make such a mistake. After all, I did give the book a one-star rating, but, as I thought I had made clear in my review, I only did so because I felt she could have done more to dispel the lesbian myth. The rest of my review was very positive.

Could I have praised the book a little more. Certainly. One thing I didn't mention was the cover. It was fantastic. I particularly liked the allusion to charges of Hillary's lesbianism that the artist made by putting her in a man's suit (although I think lesbianism is a myth, I understand that accusations of lesbianism can be a powerful political tool). I also appreciated the clever way the cover paid homage to the cartoons of Der Stürmer (circa 1937) and Cox and Forkum.

I'll admit that I have a problem remembering the proper hierarchy of conservative loyalties. I think that was the case here. I chose opposition to the lesbian myth over loyalty to an important conservative pundit. I now realize that it should be the other way around, like the way we choose to support Our Leader rather than the principles of small government, liberty, and fiscal responsibility.

I hope I've cleared up any confusion you may have had about where my loyalties lie.

I am not a homosexual.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Jane de LacDogDuFeu has more.