A crime spree in Lawrence

Phil Kline
Kansas Attorney General

Dear Mr. Kline,

In less than two months, the city of Lawrence will briefly become the crime capitol of Kansas. Much of that criminal activity will be occur within a single city block, or more specifically in the parking lots and under the bleachers of Lawrence High School.

You see, LHS holds it's annual prom in April. We both know what occurs at such events. Proms are little more than a fornicator's olympics where everyone except the Young Republican Club chairman gets a gold medal.

Considering your recent efforts to round up teenage fornicators, don't you think it would be a good time to start infiltrating Lawrence High School in preparation for the prom? You could even do it yourself and thereby bring some much-needed attention to your important work.

Sure, it wouldn't be easy--there aren't many balding sophomores--but the publicity you'd get, as well as the side benefit of having a second opportunity to finally be accepted by the cool kids, would be well worth the effort.

Think about it. You'd have six weeks to catch the eye of the head cheerleader. Then when she goes for the gold on prom night, you can arrest her personally as the Action Eyewitness Kansas Today News 5 team comments on it, live. After that, you could lead your Special Anti-Fornication Squad into the parking lots and under the bleachers rounding up every last fornicating freshman. It might even make the O'Reilly factor if you can catch a couple engaging in a little falafel and loofah action.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A chipmunk and a pound of peanut butter

Rep. Bob Beauprez
Beauprez for Governor

Dear Rep. Beauprez,

It takes a lot of guts to parade around in military garb after requesting and receiving three separate draft deferments and then, finally, a medical release. Unlike you and Our Leader, Eurocrats like John Kerry and Max Cleland took the easier path, earning their right to wear a uniform by serving in combat. Suckers. Didn't they know that a bumpersticker is enough.

I must say that you looked very fetching in your chopper pilot costume. There's just something about glomming onto undeserved military honor that adds a little zing to a man's bearing. At least, that's what people tell me when I wear my general's outfit, and just look what playing soldier dress-up did for Our Leader--Chris Matthew's "little drunken lecher" is still standing at attention nearly three years later.

Of course, it took more than the uniform to provide Our Leader with that kind of success, namely, half a key of uncut Peruvian flake stuffed down into his crotchal area. You should try something similar the next time you pretend to be a vet. I suggest a pound of peanut butter and a chipmunk. I can almost hear the drool dripping from Matthews' lips as he watches your warriorly bulge move to and fro scanning the audience in search of a foxhole.

I've got to go now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to Annti, Archie, Eric, and someone I forgot.

Iraq the Musical

We don't need no Freeway Frenchman comin' around here with his fancy, reality-based cartoons and making us question our commitment to the Iraq Phase of Our Eternal War to Resubjugate the Brown People.

Strangling big government like it's a sassy mistress

Rep. Don Sherwood
U.S. House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sherwood,

I understand that you're having a little trouble raising money from individual donors. My guess is that they may be afraid that you might break into their homes and strangle them. We need to turn that around.

One of the things I've learned from watching Karl Rove's campaigns is that you have to turn your weaknesses into strengths while doing the opposite to your opponent. An example of this kind of transformation occurred in 2004, when Mr. Rove remade Our Leader, an AWOL draft avoider, into a war hero and his opponent, a decorated Vietnam veteran, into a coward.

You need to do the same kind of thing by turning your penchant for strangling into a selling point. Perhaps you could run ads with tag lines like "Don Sherwood will strangle big government like it's a sassy mistress" or "Don Sherwood believes in family values, so much so that he's willing to strangle his mistress in their defense."

If that doesn't work, you might consider playing on a redemption theme with something like, "Don Sherwood: he hasn't strangled anyone in over sixteen months," or "Don Sherwood: he doesn't strangle people anymore." It's a powerful theme. Our Leader continues to use it effectively with his many "I no longer drink; I just fall down a lot" statements.

Please give it a try. I'm sure you'll see some movement in your fundraising.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Why they're little, green, and angry

Chuck Johnson
Little Green Footballs
Pajamas Media

Dear Chuck,

According to an article in the LA Times, Pajamas Media is having a hard time signing up advertisers because they're afraid of being associated with your commenters at Little Green Footballs. I can't understand why these corporations wouldn't want to peddle their products to your readers--especially the tube sock and palm hair removal industries--but according to the report, advertisers have a problem with angry, brown-people-hating genocide enthusiasts.

Perhaps if you cut back on the "angry" part of the equation, you'd be able to change their minds. I think I know a way that you can accomplish that. Just ask your readers to follow Silvio Berlusconi's lead and swear off sex in the name of a righteous cause. Of course, you wouldn't want to do it for the same reason--Il Duce is sacrificing sex in the name of electoral victory. Instead, your readers should make a vow to remain chaste until we achieve a final victory in the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. The beauty of that is that it's indefinite. Indeed, it's likely that we'll never see it. It's designed that way.

Some might suggest that swearing off sex would just make your readers angrier, but we both know that's not the case, because sex is the reason they're angry. Like the General, their little soldiers are casualties of Klinton's war against masculinity. Years of feminist indoctrination have made it impossible for their little sturmtruppen to rise at revelry. Sex brings them nothing but embarrassment. Sure, the seduction is enjoyable, but once they get past all the crying and vomiting, they're met with taunts of "floppy boy" and "Jesus! General, you're nothing but a buck private" or, um, something like that.

Try it. Ask your readers to swear off sex until we achieve victory. I think that after a few weeks, you'll find them discussing ethnic cleansing plans more civilly than you thought was possible.

Then the advertisers will come.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Show Chuck some love. With only one day left in balloting for the Jewish and Israeli [and Eliminationist] Blog awards, Little Green Footballs holds a slim lead over the French-minded Jewlicious. You can cast your vote for genocide, here.

Alan Colmes: a Frenchman I wouldn't jail

Regular readers know that the General is tolerant of a few Frenchmen like Alan Colmes and Joe Lieberman. The thing I like most about the former is his perceptiveness (mp3 file). He's the kind of incisive thinker Fox News is famous for.

Congratulations to Desi

Congratulations to Desi whose guest post, twenty-two, is up for a Koufax.

My prime piece of property in the Cantwells

Sen. Maria Cantwell
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Cantwell,

Thank you for voting to give me complete ownership of my wife's uterus. Your vote against the filibuster means a lot me. I've been eyeing Ofjoshua's uterine property for years.

I'd like to return the favor. It's a shame that your own uterus continues to be unclaimed by any man. We can't allow that--it's just too much responsibility. That's why I've decided to ease your burden by laying claim to it myself.

No need to worry about anything. Just give me a call if you want to use your my uterus, and I'll decide whether to allow it.

Of course, you'll need to tattoo the words "Property of Gen. JC Christian, patriot" on your abdomen or wherever it is you keep those things. Be sure to leave room for another tattoo in case I decide to sell your my uterus to someone else.

Heterosexually* yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*I'm not hitting on you. It's just very important to me that people know that I'm a heterosexual. Cletis is a god damned liar!

Priorities

Support absolute presidential power and the end of women's sovereignty over their own bodies. Call your senators today.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Support your local eliminationist

There's something very fishy about the Jewish and Israeli [and Eliminationist] Blog Awards. Some of America's finest brown-people-hating protestant patriots are in danger of being beaten by Jews so French they changed the words of Hava Nagila to "laissez les bons temps rouler!"

Jewlicious is biting on Little Green Football's heels in the Best Israel Advocacy Blog running.

Because I'm In My Twenties And It's What You Do may soon pass Cox & Forkum in the Best Jewish Humor Blog balloting. Little green funnyman Aaron, of Rachel Corrie pancake joke fame, is also a nominee in that category.

Because I'm In My Twenties And It's What You Do is also stomping our little green party girl, Pam of Atlas Shrugs, in the voting for Best New Blog 2005.

jewschool and DovBear, who have both publicly opposed the inclusion of Little Green Footballs in the JI[E]B Awards (see here and here) are challenging many fine brown-people-hating blogs in numerous other categories.

You may cast votes for your favorite JI[E]B nominees every three days.

Operation Iraqi Freedom

Sometimes spreading freedom means taking innocent women and children hostage. It may take awhile--we've been doing it since at least 2003--but eventually the people of Iraq will cherish freedom as much as Our Leader does.

"Documents show US military in Iraq detain wives," ABC News, Jan 27, 2006:

U.S. forces in Iraq, in two instances described in military documents, took custody of the wives of men believed to be insurgents in an apparent attempt to pressure the suspects into giving themselves up.

Both incidents occurred in 2004. In one, members of a shadowy military task force seized a mother who had three young children, still nursing the youngest, "in order to leverage" her husband's surrender, according to an account by a civilian Defense Intelligence Agency intelligence officer.

In the other, an e-mail exchange includes a U.S. military officer asking "have you tacked a note on the door and challenged him to come get his wife?"

"We have your sons: CIA," The Age, March 10 2003:

Two young sons of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the suspected mastermind of the September 11 attacks, are being used by the CIA to force their father to talk.

Yousef al-Khalid, 9, and his brother, Abed al-Khalid, 7, were taken into custody in Pakistan in September when intelligence officers raided a flat in Karachi where their father had been hiding.

Mohammed fled just hours before the raid but his sons and another senior al-Qaeda member were found cowering behind a wardrobe in the apartment.

The boys have been held by the Pakistani authorities but this weekend they were flown to America where they will be questioned about their father. CIA interrogators confirmed that the boys were staying at a secret address where they were being encouraged to talk about their father's activities. "We are handling them with kid gloves," said one official. "After all, they are only little children, but we need to know as much about their father's recent activities as possible. We have child psychologists on hand at all times and they are given the best of are."

"How do U.S. interrogators make a terrorist talk?" San Francisco Chronicle, March 4, 2003:

U.S. authorities have an additional inducement to make Mr. Mohammed talk, even if he shares the suicidal commitment of the Sept. 11 hijackers: The Americans have access to two of his elementary-school-age children, the top law-enforcement official says. The children were captured in a September raid that netted one of Mr. Mohammed's top comrades, Ramzi Binalshibh.

"U.S. Adopts Aggressive Tactics on Iraqi Fighters Intensified Offensive Leads To Detentions, Intelligence," Washington Post, July 28, 2003:

Col. David Hogg, commander of the 2nd Brigade of the 4th Infantry
Division, said tougher methods are being used to gather the intelligence. On Wednesday night, he said, his troops picked up the wife and daughter of an Iraqi lieutenant general. They left a note: "If you want your family released, turn yourself in." Such tactics are justified, he said, because, "It's an intelligence operation with detainees, and these people have info." They would have been released in due course, he added later.

"US soldiers abused young girl at Iraqi prison," ITV, May 7, 2004:

He said: "They brought a 12-year-old girl into our cellblock late at night. Her brother was a prisoner in the other cells.

"She was naked and screaming and calling out to him as they beat her. Her brother was helpless and could only hear her cries. This affected all of us because she was just a child."