Death rides a two-toned tapir

Blogger is bloggered, so I'll try posting by email.

Inasmuch as this week's work and family duties have left me exhausted, I
need too take a night off.

So, in honor of the Mormon Church's courageous defense of its beliefs against godless science, I'll reprint a letter I sent last June to a Utah legislator.

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Sen. Buttars,

I was very angry when I first heard that you are introducing a bill to mandate the teaching of divine design in our schools. To me, it sounded like an attempt to sneak the homosexual agenda into our classrooms. In my mind, I pictured a three hundred pound transvestite teaching our children about the various advantages and disadvantages of using particular fabrics.

You can imagine how silly I felt when I read your actual quote: "The divine design is a counter to the kids' belief that we all come from monkeys." Obviously, you were talking about intelligent design.

The fact that I first reacted with suspicion says a lot about our schools. We've come to expect that every new curriculum contains a hidden trojan horse designed to seduce our children into lives of wickedness. Have you considered the possibility that this might be the case with divine design as well?

Who is the "designer" in this curriculum? Is it our Heavenly Father? Or could it be Allah or, God help us, Ganesh? I hope not. My children are Latter Day Saints, and I'll be damned, literally, if I allow them to be seduced by false Gods. I pray that you're doing something to ensure that it doesn't happen.

I hope that you're not stopping with biology. Our children are being indoctrinated into godless secularism in other classes as well. Take astronomy for instance. Kolob, the sun that shines on our Heavenly Father's broad manly shoulders, isn't mentioned in any classroom in Zion. That's unacceptable. Utah schools need to change.

The same holds true for physics. What better way to teach Einstein's Theory of Relativity than to talk about the measurement of time in the Kolob solar system? The Pearl of Great Price* (Abr 3:4), tells us that a day on our Heavenly Father's planet is equal to a thousand of our Earth years. It's time our children learned about this in their classes.

And what about history? Do you know of any textbook currently used in Utah schools that mentions the fact that the Lamanites are Jewish? I bet you can't. Heck, they don't even call them Lamanites. They're referred to as Native Americans instead.

Imagine if you will, the many hours of joy we could provide to our children if we taught true, Latter Day Saint history. Kids love to hear the story of the 2000 brave stripling warriors riding their heroic tapirs into battle against their iniquitous Lamanite brethren. Why shouldn't they have the opportunity to learn about it in our schools?

Please do what you can to bring these truths into the classroom. After you've accomplished that, we can start working on an anthopology curriculum that includes information about the prophet Brigham Young's Sun people.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*The Pearl of Great Price is one of the four standard scriptural works of the Mormon Church. The others are the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants.

Thanks to Zelph the White Lamanite for the tip.

Elsewhere: calculate your age in Kolob time.

Be like Dick

The Magic BB Theory

Sen. Arlen Specter
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Specter,

Deputy Leader Cheney is in trouble for shooting an old man with a shotgun. Questions are being raised because his excuses don't fit the facts of the case. As the inventor of the Warren Commission's Magic Bullet Theory, you're the only person who can help him build a scenario where his excuses make sense.

The police report says that Whittington was 30 yards away when Dick shot him. It also notes that the elderly gentleman was hit in the face, chest and neck. Agents of the Ministry of Truth characterize the shooting as a "peppering." Taken all together, these things would suggest that the shot was fairly well dispersed.

Unfortunately, a more detailed look at the facts reveals something else. Our Deputy Leader was using 28 gauge shotgun shells loaded with 3/4 oz of #7-1/2 shot. That particular load carries approximately 262 BBs. The doctor caring for the wounded man said that he removed about 200 BBs. That means about 4/5ths of the shot in the load struck the man in an area no larger than about 18 inches in diameter.

That seems like an awfully tight pattern at 30 yards. It can only be explained by the existence of a magic BB that would ride herd on the other BBs, keeping them as bunched up as possible.



Yesterday, we learned that one of the BBs penetrated the elderly gentleman's hunting vest, shirt, skin, muscle, rib cartilage, and possibly bone, coming to rest in his heart. I'm no physicist, but that seems like a lot of energy to expend for a .095" BB weighing 1/345th of an ounce. I suggest that a better explanation would be that once the bb hit the skin, it began burrowing into the elderly gentleman's body. Since regular shot doesn't have claws for burrowing, a magic BB is the only possible explanation.



Well, that's all I have right now, but it's a start. You're the expert when it comes to mystical projectiles, so I'll let you take it from here.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian patriot

PS. Thanks for giving me the deed to Sen. Cantwell's uterus. I've waited a long time for it.

Hiding your glowsticks under a bushel

Bryan Mowery
Combat Training Center

Dear Pastor Mowery,

I just recently learned about the good work you're doing with kids there at Combat for Christ. We need more programs like it. It's certainly the only program I'm aware of where a young "Christian Soldier" can receive the weapons training needed to "engage and eliminate [Jesus'] greatest enemies."

That said, I have a couple of concerns. First, you seem to be missing something in your firearms training. Although your web site features photos of kids firing pistols and shotguns, I couldn't find a single picture of one of these junior Christian soldiers executing the Cheney "swing around and shoot the guy behind you" maneuver. That raises a big red flag for me. I can't trust a man who doesn't show proper respect for the Deputy Leader's innovative shooting style.

I also noticed that there is nothing on the web site about your interrogation training. Heck, I wouldn't have known you even offered it if I hadn't read the following in a report from WDEF-TV:

According to Bradley County Sheriff's reports, Community Baptist church Pastor Bryan Mowery spanked the girl with a belt first -- then threw her into a closet, kicked her and hit her in the face with his fist.

Mowery reportedly also got a nine millimeter handgun from his bedroom and fired it outside his Trewitt Road home.

This training sounds almost as good as anything you'd see at Gitmo. Why hide your glowsticks under a bushel? You should be using the interrogation training to market your program. If nothing else, I bet it's your ticket to a little faith-based Department of Defense funding.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Lambert asks a good question...

...but Xan blows it. Deputy Leader Dick wouldn't drink anything so French no matter how German the name sounds.

Messages

William A. Sederburg
President, Utah Valley State College

Dear President Sederburg,

The messages an institution like Utah Valley State College sends are important. They act as cues to the public about what kind of thinking is acceptable. You failed the public two years ago when your college sent an inappropriate message to those who look to you for guidance. I'm referring to the decision to allow the dissenter, Michael Moore, to speak at your school. By doing so, you abetted those who would disagree with Our Leader's policies. You blessed dissent with the stamp of academic approval.

Thank God the legislature sent the citizens of Utah an even more important message. A message that those who allow dissent to occur will be punished. Their budgetary retaliation against USVC did not go unnoticed.

Now it appears that you've learned your lesson. When the play, The [v-word] Monologues, came to your campus, it had a new, less offensive title. Indeed, you decreed that it be shortened to "The Monologues." By purging the v-word, the very word upon which the play is built, you sent a very important message to the young not-boys of your state. You told them that their not-boy parts are a source of shame. You taught them to disassociate themselves from the part of their body that God created for their future husbands' exclusive use.

I'm sure the state legislature approves.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to This Divided State.

An endorsement he regrets

I bet Deputy Leader Cheney also regrets making this other endorsement and writing this song.

Update: The Jivester found yet another song penned by Deputy Leader Dick.

Soul on Rye

Rep. Stacey Campfield
Tennessee House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Campfield,

You have a choice to make. Are you going let your opponents' combined $17,000 advantage get you down, or are you going to work hard and turn the $27 raised by your campaign thus far into $30? This is a character defining moment for you. The voters of your district are watching to see how you handle it.

If you choose to fight, you'll need to do something to change your image. Let's face it; most people think you're an asshole. They never bought into your attempt to remake yourself as "Stacey X, militant black man." It was just too far of a stretch for most people. You can't blame them. It's hard to picture Opie Taylor marching with Bobby Seal and Eldridge Cleaver.

Unfortunately, it's too late to fully remake yourself again. Admitting that you're as white as mayonnaise won't get you anywhere. A huge majority of the public might not believe that you're really black, but certainly, a portion of your base still buys it. You've got to hold onto them. It's the same strategy Our Leader is using to defend the war. Nearly everyone with an IQ over 85 now believes he lied about WsMD, but you'll never hear Our Leader admit to it--he needs to hold onto Chris Matthews.

So what do you do? I say, "get blacker." I'm referring to appearance rather than attitude; we'll get to that later. How do you do it? Well, the obvious method would be blackface, but I'm told that might be a mistake. Believe it or not, black people aren't fooled by it. We might find it hard to pick Eddy Cantor out in an Apollo Theater audience, but I understand that real black people would spot him right away.

I'd go with hypnotism. There's a conservative activist in Las Vegas who could probably help. He likes to hypnotize women into thinking he's Mickey Mouse. He says it turns them into sex machines. I say we get him to hypnotize your constituency into believing that you're black, and, more specifically, a non-threatening kind of black man. No more of this militant Stacey X stuff. I'm thinking more along the lines of Al Roker. People love him.

Good luck on turning your campaign around.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to MzNicky.