Agent provocateurs

Today I learned something that has me so shaken, I'm drinking like Our Deputy Leader on a quail hunt. According to David Horowitz, Frenchmen pretending to be patriots are trashing his book at Amazon:

The Amazon site for my new book is the site of spectacle even I am new to. A small army of leftists, many claiming to be academics (and why doubt them?) some even impersonating conservatives (which will be evident to anyone who cares to look) has descended on my book page to try to discourage people from buying The Professors: The 101 Most Dangerous Academics In America.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The French are a devious people. They were bound to come up with something like this eventually.

I have to hand it to them. Posing as patriots in order to make real conservatives look like deranged psychotic morons is a brilliant strategy. And it looks like they've been pulling it off for quite awhile. Malkin, Coulter, O'Reilly, and Hindrocket fooled everyone for years.

But now that we know the truth, it's time for us to strike back by supporting Mr. Horowitz with reviews written by real patriots.

Update: I've read that Amazon won't delete reviews that recommend another book.

Faith-based covert ops?

Dr Peter E Waldron of Cities of Faith Ministries is the latest victim of Christian persecution in Africa. The former GOP operative, ex-President of The Save The Family Foundation, and member of the secretive Council for National Policy was arrested recently in Uganda for selling illegal "SMG rifles" (sub-machine guns).

Although such persecution is not unusual in Africa, this is the first case involving an arms dealer of the Lord. It is unclear whether Dr. Waldron was operating under a faith-based covert operations grant. There is no record on the Central Intelligence Agency website of anyone receiving such funding.

I've been infiltrated.

Ian reports that he spotted a "liberal whackjob" here at Jesus' General. Being the god-fearing patriot that I am, the thought of being infiltrated chills me to the bone. Indeed, I'm one frightened General.

Of course, I'll respond appropriately by locking up Ofjoshua, wiretapping Joshua Jr's tin can and string telephone, and forcing my neighbor, Mr. Gonzales, to invade Steve's house across the street--we have to stop him before a pair of spandex cycling shorts becomes our proof that he's hiding a terrible bulge of manly distraction.

Ian seems to think that John at Crooks and Liars is connected to the infiltrator, but we'll make Mr. Gonzales attack Steve anyway. It's easier, and besides, Steve once tried to pull the "flaming bag of dog crap on the porch" prank on my father. Getting Steve will finally earn me the old bastard's respect. There will be no more "girly-boy" taunts after that, dammit.

Sadly No! beat me to it

It looks like Sadly No! applied their Franco-mojo to the paper-clip story last December.

Reviewing The Professors

Update: It's gone.

Update: Amazon spotlighted my review. Thank you Ian for making it happen.

My Amazon Review of The Professors by David Horowitz up. Please consider recommending it if you think the review is helpful.

Close, but no falafels, February 22, 2006
Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I studied under one of the professors profiled in this book. It was during the eighties. He was truly an evil man, always running down President Reagan's support of the Salvadoran death squads. He gave me an F on a paper I almost finished. He also laughed when I said that Daniel Ortega was possessed by Satan.

It got worse after that. He started to look at me in a strange way. I couldn't break his gaze no matter how much I tried. I now realized that he was using his special powers to turn me into a communist.

I eventfully grew out my hair, bought a beret and fatigues, and told everyone to call me Che. That confused a lot of my friends. They couldn't understand why Che would accessorize his uniform with a bright red feather boa. I tried to explain that red was the color of revolution, but they just couldn't get it.

They finally abandoned me when they caught me painting the Alpha Gamma Rho goat red while whistling the Internationale and wearing a crimson bra and panties. They really hated Stanford.

Anyway, Mr. Horowitz failed to mention the mind control this professor exercised over students like me. That's the most important part of the story. I can't give the book more than one star.

Stand up for one of our own

This is a serious post.

David Neiwert of Orcinus has been named a "race traitor" by the National Socialist Movement Northwest (just Google it--I won't link to them). He's holding a fundraiser to fund a campaign against these ignorant inbred bigots. Please give, and then, give some more.

I know how he must feel right now. The first time I picked up a piece of National Socialist Vanguard "literature" off of my porch, I looked around and saw a neighborhood that was completely new and alien to me. Everyone was suspect. It's a terribly isolating feeling. David needs your support and your contributions. Please be there for him.



Phone number from their website.

Targeting the patriot demographic

Serving in the vanguard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Revolution isn't easy. It's very hard work. I think that's why it attracts a certain kind of man. We're all conservative and Christian of course, but we also have other qualities that some might perceive as weaknesses.

You see we're a frightened bunch. We're scared of nearly everything. That's why we own so many guns and are so gung ho about sending poor people out to shoot, bomb, torture, and imprison those who scare us. That fear might seem like a negative quality at first glance, but it, along with impotence and feelings of powerlessness, is what drives us to achieve so much.

This probably isn't a major revelation to most of you. It's pretty damned obvious to anyone who's thought about how advertisers target us. Switch Rush, Hannity, or O'Reilly on and you'll hear wall-to-wall ads for male enhancement products and wealth building seminars. You don't have to be a student of Freud to see that they're targeting our fears of powerlessness and impotence.

Newsmax.com is an even better place to see this kind of marketing in action, As I write this, Newsmax's home page is playing host to at least 4 "get rich quick," 1 "how to pick up women," and 2 "how to beat the crap out of someone" ads. Such marketing is so transparent, I'm beginning to blush.

Regular readers might remember that I've written about some of these advertisers before. Who can forget Matt Furey's promise to teach us how to break a man's arm in a street fight. Now that's a talent you can use every day.

But there's an even better ad up now,"Quick-Learn Impaling Tricks." With one click, we are taken to a page where a patriot tells us:

Here's one hell of a brutal "fight-solution" for you.

If your life is ever threatened by an attacker... no matter how big, mean, and ugly he is... I want you to throw a standard paper clip -- just like the one pictured here -- and embed it deep into his forehead from 16-feet away. I assure you...

No... I haven't been drinking. Give me a chance to explain.

I've just got my hands on some very exclusive info on the lost art of "power throwing"... and I want to share it all with you. It's the real thing and this may be the last time you hear about this! So please... read on.

Here's what this is about: I call this power throwing... a "lost art" because there's just FIVE masters who understand this - and four of them are either dead... in prison... or just won't talk. So you simply can't find this anywhere for any price. I'm not kidding one bit when I say this is info is teetering on becoming a lost art.

But now I've arranged your one chance to know these secrets.

And that's just one of the many courses available through this company. They have over fifty instructors ready to teach you everything you need to know about kicking a guys ass in a street fight. And these teachers aren't poseurs either. They all have credentials like these:

Jim Arvanitis ... "Sir" to every fighter who's ever come up against him, in the street or in the ring... is so FEARED in the martial arts world that whenever he shows up at a fight convention 6th degree black belts will leave the room rather than cross his path.

He's that scary.

[...]

Mr. Arvanitis is the ONLY Grand Master in the style he teaches. It's called "Pankration" -- which is Greek for "kick some serious ass".

Yeah, that's a smoke in his hand. He's so bad, he'll beat you to a pulp while he's having a cigarette break.

I want to be like that. No one will dare call me tiny boy then, god dammit.

What? No Apartheid for Dummies?

Jackie O found Pamela Atlas Shrugs' Amazon Wish List.

You'd think she'd be all over the United Arab Emirates contract controversy, but it doesn't look like she's written a single word about it. It's a tough issue for us patriots. How do we balance our hatred of brown people against the unconditional love we have for Our Leader.

Punishing the sin of slack

Judge James P. Punch
Orleans County [NY] Supreme Court

Dear Judge Punch,

I can only imagine the emotions you felt when photos of the Church of the SubGenius's X-Day celebration were introduced as evidence in your court. No doubt you had a hard time containing your fury when you examined the Passion of the Christ parody featuring a pool noodle and an enraged crowd of dildo-wielding Hebrews. It sickens me to even think about it. The mockery of such a holy film and its 109 minutes of non-stop torture and sacred gore is such an affront to god-fearing men like ourselves, we would surely be forgiven had we followed our Deputy Leader's example and shot someone in the face.

Yet you resisted physical violence. Instead, you took away a participant's only begotten son, forbidding her from having any contact with the boy, "not even in writing."

The people of Orleans County are lucky to have a judge like you. The method of punishment you chose for this woman testifies to that. Her pain would have only been short term had you shot her in the face. By ripping her child away from her, you extended her pain for years, if not for a lifetime.

More importantly, you sent a powerful message to your constituency. You told them that the State of New York will destroy those who blaspheme our Lord and Savior. Hopefully, other judges will follow your lead and enforce a standard of reverence for our Lord that has been absent far too long in western democracies.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Sometimes beauty is the color of money

Our Leader's plan to turn this:



into this:



will allow a few logging companies to rake in the green. That's the beauty of living in Our Leader's Ownership Society.

From the files of the State Security Apparatus

Regular readers know that I'm a big fan of the work being done by the crack stormtroopers of the Department of Homeland Security's Federal'naya Sluzhba Okhrani (FPS). They do a bang up job ensuring that my inner Frenchman's can of Copenhagen (hey, he's from rural Utah and it's hard to quit) isn't actually a dirty bomb when he makes one of his frequent visits to the local federal building. But making determinations regarding the volatility of various tobacco products is only a small part of their job. They're out their every day defending us from those who remain burdened by an outdated respect for the Bill of Rights.

The last time we honored the FPS on our pages, we told the story of a disloyal not-man who was arrested by the Okhrana for failing to show her papers while commuting by public bus to her workplace. Unfortunately, traitor-coddling prosecutors dropped all charges against the ungrateful commie in December.

One would think that this act of treachery would harm the morale, and by extension, the effectiveness, of these black-clad stürmtruppen, but recent events suggest otherwise. Take the case of Navy vet Dwight Scarbrough for instance. He ran afoul of the Okhrana when he displayed a seditious sticker on his vehicle while parked at the federal Natural Resource Center in Boise. Of course, he's now whining that his constitutional rights were violated, but thankfully, Our Leader's politikalkommandos don't share his pre-9/11 mindset.

Then there's the case of Laura Berg, a Veteran's Administration nurse who was charged with sedition for publishing a letter which criticized Our Leader. Again, there was whining--this time by the French-minded Bill-of-Rights-worshipers at the ACLU. Hopefully, their cries will be for naught and this seditious nurse will serve as a example to all those who might be tempted to show disrespect for The Chosen One.

So please take a few moments to thank the men and the few not-men of Federal'naya Sluzhba Okhrani the next time they ask you for your papers or require you to swear an oath to Our Leader. Better yet, give them a hand by reporting a neighbor or family member the next time he or she commits a thought crime. I can't think of a better way to thank our Guardians of the Party than that.

Helmet tips to everyone who's written me about the nurse.

And then Jesus said, "My bad."

The Jivester beat me to a Republican Jesus cartoon with this.

The General ♥ Michelle from Winchester

Thank you another Fawlty Towers DVD. This one has the the rat episode. I'm in Cleese heaven.

Thanks again.

It's worse than I thought; the goat liked Gloria Gaynor songs

Brian Peyton
President, Alpha Gamma Rho Fraternity
Western Kentucky University

cc: Trenton Jackson
Goatboy, Alpha Gamma Rho Fraternity
Western Kentucky University

Dear President Peyton,

When I wrote you yesterday, I was under the impression that you were covering up a little good, old-fashioned, heterosexual livestock love. That upset me because I believed that by covering it up, you were repudiating one of our most cherished Heartland values. Today, after reading a followup story in the local newspaper, I realized that things were much worse than I thought.

From the Kentucky News:

When police officers arrived at the fraternity house at 1436 Chestnut St. at 2:25 a.m. Thursday for the party complaint, the goat was found in a small basement storage room where it had no food or water, according to the BGPD report.

Police were told the goat was in the house because pledges were going to have sex with it, according to a city police report.

The male goat was taken to the Bowling Green-Warren County Humane Society for an examination Thursday afternoon by veterinarian Consuela Reinhart.

"At the bottom of the rectum there was a small abrasion,"; she said.

There was not an extensive amount of bruising, Reinhart said. Other than the abrasion, the goat is in good shape.

Tests showed there was nothing unusual in the animal's stool that would have caused the injury, she said.

Reinhart also said it was unlikely the goat had vomited. Police said the goat was in a confined area where there was vomit.

"Goats can't really vomit. Usually when you find a goat that vomited you find a dead goat,"; she said.

"The goat had been penetrated by something; by what we don't know,"; said Roxie Ross, animal control officer for BGPD.

I think we both know the answer to that question. This wasn't a case of traditional livestock love. Some sick sorry bastard had a homosexual relationship with that goat in your frathouse. AGR will be tainted until that person is found. Even then, you may all need to prove that you prefer more traditional goat/goatherd relationships. Otherwise, you'll be condemned to hear the word "billygoats" whispered wherever you go.

It's no wonder that our society is crumbling when a cherished Heartland value can become as perverted and twisted as this. I bet David Brooks is crying tonight.

What will we tell the children?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to commenter maggie pax for the story lead, and another to commenter Cornellian for reminding me of other acts committed by AGR brothers that demonstrate their devotion to our cherished Heartland values.

The General ♥ Stuart from Los Gatos...

...in a purely heterosexual and Heartland values supporting kind of way.

Thanks for the Fawlty Towers DVD. The General loves him some John Cleese.