Fox's Mighty Loofa of Justice

"This is a ReamMaster 5000, the most powerful loofa in the world. "you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"



Elsewhere: "We'll sue your ass if you make us think too hard about our recovery. And don't make us say 'ass' again. It makes us think too hard about our recovery."

Mike Tidmus adds penguins.

Hannicatch of the week

I'm giving all of you not-men who missed out on snagging last week's Hannihunk another chance. Introducing Shieldvulf, a Sean Hannity approved patriot who knows what a woman wants (no brown people please).

Pamela Geller Oshry, MENSA member

I love the smell of neocon in the morning.

Koufax Award judges cling to outdated respect for rules

The Koufax Best Commenter nominations are out. Unfortunately, the traitorous bastards behind them refused to break the rules and honor the Red Guard of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. Dwight (how French a name is that!) writes:

Others have suggested that a subset of commenters at a specific site be given the award. There was, for instance, a suggestion that the award go to the "non-French commenters" at The General's place.

Perhaps that would be the manly thing to do but the conditions of contest require that the award go to a specific individual.

"Rules" Dwight? We don't need no stinking rules.

Our Leader didn't get where he is today by following rules. If he worried about such things, he wouldn't be President; we wouldn't be fighting the Iraq Phase of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People; we wouldn't be applying pain that is slightly less than equivalent to that experienced during organ failure to kidnapped goat herders; the Counter Intelligence Field Activity wouldn't be reading my blog; John Bolton wouldn't be listening in on Bill Richardson's phone calls; and Jose Padilla wouldn't have been jailed for two years before being charged.

Breaking rules made America what it is today. Why does Dwight hate America?

As for the General's commenters, there isn't an award big enough to honor them appropriately. They are the best there is, and I challenge anyone who claims otherwise to wrestle me in the ancient manner of our Spartan forbearers. That'll teach 'em.

Amazon edits my review

Update: It's now the spotlighted review.

After two rounds of emails, Amazon finally got around to posting my review of "Stategery", a book that praises both Our Leader's genius and his cunning use of malapropisms as a means of connecting with Joe Illiterate. Unfortunately, Amazon chose to replace my last paragraph with ellipses placed between brackets. They also posted it directly to the last page of reviews.

You'll find Amazon's version of my post here. I hope it's still helpful even in its truncated form. If you think so, please tell Amazon so by clicking the appropriate button. The original appears below with the parts Amazon removed appearing in italics.

Ignorance is Strength, February 28, 2006
Reviewer: Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

I don't understand why Mr. Sammon and his publisher, Regnery, pick titles like "Strategery" and "Misunderestimated" (Sammon's previous book). Although both books are testaments to Our Leader's genius, such titles encourage mockery harsh enough to qualify as sedition.

I suppose some might argue that the titles are meant to appeal to our love for Orwellian language--who hasn't chuckled under their breath when they've heard an Administration apparatchik declare that increases in insurgent activity are evidence that our Iraq strategy is working--but I'm not sure the larger public gets the joke.

I'm also disappointed that there aren't more attacks against the Clintons in this book. Sure, there are a few cheap shots taken at Hillary's presidential ambitions, but they are not the kind of all out anti-Clinton diatribes we've come to expect from Regnery books.

If that's what you're looking for, you should pass on "Strategery" and pick up one of these Regnery classics:

"Sell Out: The Inside Story of President Clinton's Impeachment"
"Hell to Pay: The Unfolding Story of Hillary Rodham Clinton"
"Absolute Power: The Legacy of Corruption in the Clinton-Reno Justice Department"
"On the Make: The Rise of Bill Clinton"
"Final Days A Behind the Scenes Look at the Last Desperate Abuses of Power by the Clinton White House"
"The Year of the Rat: How Bill Clinton Compromised U.S. Security for Chinese Cash"
"The Secret Life of Bill Clinton."

An anarchist just schtupped Archduke Ferdinand.

MzNicky responded by joining the Tennessee Guerilla Women and declaring war.

Her Lysistrata option shall not stand. We will strike back in kind.

Men, rally your little soldiers into action. The Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution needs every last one of them.

If you love our new America, let no watermelon go undefiled and spare no Sears Catalog from soiling.

To the goat pens, fratboys! Your country needs you. No need to be shy. Alpha Gamma Rho style love is now an act of unrivaled patriotism.

Warbloggers! Just keep doing what you're doing. You wouldn't notice anything different anyway.

A real man's Jesus

Although I'm a traditionalist, I think this is one of the best paintings of the Last Supper I've seen. This Jesus isn't that French girlyman who blesses peacemakers and passes out fish. Instead, he's a guy who likes to hang around with men in bars. From all the leather gear these guys are wearing, I assume it's some kind of biker bar. That's even better.



Helmet tip to Pam (the French one).

The General ♥ Joy from Cocoa Beach

Thanks for the SCTV DVD. My favorite episode, CCCP 1, is on it! Now I can share a few screen caps and the transcript from the Uzbek commercial with my readers.

Thanks again. I love it.

Please take a minute...

...to fill out this survey. It will help persuade advertisers that Jesus' General is a godly place to hawk their wares.

Update: I should also ask you to make sure that you answer Question #23, the referral question, with "Jesus' General."

I appreciate it. It's easy for a blog this size to get lost among the Atriosi, Kosses, and C&Ls.

Saving Spermatazoan-Americans

Cecile Richards
President, Planned Parenthood Federation of America

Dear President Richards,

I've changed my mind about your organization. I think it was very gutsy of you to thank Senators Lieberman and Chaffee for their cloture vote that effectively put Samuel Alito on the Supreme Court.

By doing so, Planned Parenthood announced to the world that it is a part of a new kind of public interest organization, one that values its proximity to power more than its members' core values. Just as AARP abandoned its membership to ingratiate itself with Our Leader by endorsing his Medicare prescription plan, you've sold out your base helping these two Senators hide their pro-forced-childbirth vote.

There is still much more you can do. As you may be aware, we're beginning our assault on Griswold v. Connecticut. Banning contraception won't be easy, but with your help, I think it's achievable.

Of course, we don't expect you to take a public stance against birth control. Rather, we're looking for the same kind of covert support you gave us with Alito--maybe something simple like punching holes in the condoms you distribute to your lust-filled, procreation-avoiding clients. That would be a great start. Not only would it generate data for our arguments against the effectiveness of condoms, it would also save the lives of the trillions of Spermatazoan-Americans who suffer horrible, painful deaths as their little skulls are shattered against the condom's unforgiving lambskin wall.

I hope you will consider helping us. You've come this far already. You might as well finish the job.

Heterosexually (I am not a homosexual) yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tim Russert should be our man in Iraq.

You'd think that a Wall Street Journal reporter would try to bring balance to her reporting from Iraq, but instead, Faenaz Fassihi (that's as French a name as I've ever seen) gives us excuses like this:

BOB GARFIELD: When you read criticism of the press in general, that it is somehow so fixated on bad news that it doesn't report the good, that it's essentially suppressing the good news out of Iraq, what do you all say to one another? How do you react?

FARNAZ FASSIHI: I can just say that if there were five car bombs going off in New York and 50 people kidnapped a day, I'm sure that metro reporters would be writing those stories and not talking about the school that was painted. When you're sitting in Iraq and putting your neck on the line to try to bring as balanced a story as possible, it's very frustrating to hear criticism like that, because you know, as a professional reporter, that the only reason you're there is because you want to convey the truth. And I can say that everyone is trying to go out their extra mile to find out exactly what's happening there, good or bad, to try to find progress, obstacles, frustration. And I think, considering, we've done a pretty good job. I'm proud of what my colleagues have achieved.

It's too bad Mr. Russert isn't recording Meet the Press in Baghdad. He'd teach those reporters a few things about journalism. He'd discuss school building with three representatives from Kellogg, Brown & Root and then balance it out by bringing in someone from Bechtel Group. That's the NBC way.

Elsewhere: Julia takes a look at Sen. Kneepads' web site.

The Jivester is visited by a Schematic Drawing of a Vagina

I have a bad feeling about this. The Schematic Drawing of a Vagina spoke French. And given the fact that it didn't have hands, there was no way for the Jivester to determine if it was sent by the Lord or by Satan.

From the Doctrine and Covenants (D&C 129:1-9), which, along with the Bible, The Book of Mormon, and the Pearl of Great Price, is one of the four standard scriptural works of the Mormon Church:

1 There are two kinds of beings in heaven, namely: Angels, who are resurrected personages, having bodies of flesh and bones.
2 For instance, Jesus said: Handle me and see, for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have.
3 Secondly: the spirits of just men made perfect, they who are not resurrected, but inherit the same glory.
4 When a messenger comes saying he has a message from God, offer him your hand and request him to shake hands with you.
5 If he be an angel he will do so, and you will feel his hand.
6 If he be the spirit of a just man made perfect he will come in his glory; for that is the only way he can appear.
7 Ask him to shake hands with you, but he will not move, because it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to deceive; but he will still deliver his message.
8 If it be the devil as an angel of light, when you ask him to shake hands he will offer you his hand, and you will not feel anything; you may therefore detect him.
9 These are three grand keys whereby you may know whether any administration is from God.

A Democratic congressman with balls

This guy scares me so bad, I'm going to beg Our Leader to quarter troops in my house (the Third Amendment is about all that's left to give up).

Hannicatch of the week

Ladies, you better snag this one quick before Pamela sees him.

A lot of good men and not-men risk carpal tunnel for this soldier

In a bunker somewhere in Iraq, this ungrateful soldier attacks Our Leader. He cares nothing for the good men and not-men who slave away in their mothers' basements risking carpal tunnel syndrome and Cheeto-induced obesity fighting to defend the way of life we're creating for him, here at home. If I must choose between serving Our Leader or supporting soldiers like Spc. Sanders, I'll stand with His Holiness and do so proudly. That's what it means to be a Republican and a conservative in our new, patriotically correct America.

From a letter to Stars and Stripes:

In the 'wussy' category

I thought "On Iraq, hold your ground and give parades a rest" (Opinion, Joel Stein, Jan. 27 print edition) was great. It took a lot of guts to write an opinion that would be seen as unpatriotic.

I fall under the "wussy" category. I even took it one step further than bumper stickers and bracelets and enlisted in the Army Reserve.

I agree that blaming the president is an easy cop-out. While it's scary that such an idiot can lead the most powerful nation in the world, it's even scarier that the American people continue to follow a person who has misled us time and time again.

We have been duped into believing that if we wave a flag and show support for our troops, we are patriotic. We are told that now is not the time to question the government, since doing so may break the fragile morale of America's fighting force. I do not agree. How can we expect to make a change if we aren't willing to ask hard questions?

With tough questions come tough answers, which is one thing I found missing from the column. I didn't see any suggestions for change. We've hit a point where no matter where you stand on the issue, there is no clear-cut solution to get out of Iraq.

I also agree with knowingly being a tool for the American agenda. Unfortunately, recruiters target young, impressionable, adventure-seeking teenagers for a reason. You don't see too many recruiting posters saying "Go to the desert, kill people and fight for a cowboy."

For now, I'll have to stay a wussy. Even worse, I don't have any solutions to offer either, although I hope Stein's piece can show people it's OK and important to question everything.

Spc. Michael Sanders
Al Taji, Iraq

Monitored lady-parts are productive lady-parts

Sen. Julie Bartling
Democratic Whip
South Dakota State Senate

Dear Sen. Bartling,

When your husband, Bart Bartling, comes home after hard day of trucking feed, I hope he has dinner waiting for him. I worry about that given all the gallivanting you do down at the Statehouse. Certainly, Bart and the children aren't getting the kind of service a god-fearing wife and mother should be giving to her family.

Sure, there is an upside to your work. Your appointment by Our Leader to the Federal Agricultural Mortgage Corporation has to be good for Bart's business (The Chosen One sure knows how to reward His friends, doesn't He) and your bill restoring men's god-given property rights over not-men's lady-parts is a blessing to every man South Dakota.

There is little I can do about your usurpation of Bart's patriarchal role--you're his property, not mine--but as long as you're going to be in the Senate anyway, I'm willing to help you do God's work by offering suggestions to help you make your forced childbirth legislative initiatives even stronger.

You see there's a big loophole in your latest effort to criminalize free will. The South Dakota Abortion Act cannot by itself prevent women from denying rapists their right to fatherhood. Criminalization isn't enough. You need some kind of monitoring too. It's like Saint Ronald of the Death Squads once said, "trust but verify."

That's where my idea of lady-parts monitoring comes in. All you need to do is pass a bill requiring the implantation of a device that would sound an alarm whenever a foreign object is inserted into a not-man's lady-parts. Of course we'd also need to install a RFID chip into her husband's little soldier so that authorized entry wouldn't be confused with criminal activity (We could also set up a video system that would activate once the husband's RFID chip trips his wife's sensors--that way we could ensure that it's for purely procreational purposes and that no one is enjoying it.)

We have the technology, and you've certainly demonstrated the will needed to do something like this, all we need now is a bill.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Hannitization by lawsuit

When Steven Greenstreet asked Sean Hannity tough questions (scroll down) on film, he was immediately hannitized by the truthlieter's bodyguards. Now Greenstreet's going to pay an even a higher price for his insolence:

I am extremely angry at what they have done with that video footage. I plan on suing them.

Elsewhere: Joe Vogel, the hero of This Divided State, wrote a book about the controversy.