Hannicatch of the week

Here's another Sean Hannity approved marriage prospect for all of you not-men waiting for someone to take ownership of uterus.

As the father of two daughters, I can say that nothing impresses me more than when their dates show up carrying an open twelve pack of beer.



Previous Hannicatches:

No Coloreds

Republican Fundraiser

Update: After looking at the competition, I decided to try Hannidate, myself. I submitted my info and waited, but my profile never appeared. Apparently, they won't post them unless you sign a legal release allowing them to videotape you on a date they set up. Inasmuch as I'm convinced that video cameras steal your soul, I can't sign the papers.

Here's what I submitted:

Hillary hates our most cherished Republican value.

Occasionally, Frenchmen will ask me why patriots hate Hillary so passionately. They'll point to her sponsorship of legislation limiting free expression and her support of Our Leader's Glorious Iraq Adventure as evidence that her heart votes Republican.

What they seem to be unable to comprehend is that there are values we Republicans cherish even more than constitution desecration and brown people killing. Of course, I'm referring to corruption. In a post he calls "Hillawhore," his imperial wizardliness, staghounds, reminds us just how much contempt Hillary holds for this important Republican value.

...a million and a half doesn't buy much Democrat, does it?

You see, Hillary has been one of the strongest opponents of the Dubai Port deal even though her husband, a man who was convicted by Congress for putting his little soldier into a lady's mouth, received 1.5 million dollars from the rulers of Dubai. By opposing the deal, she is undermining something good, god-fearing patriots like Conrad Burns and Rick Santorum have devoted their political lives to building: a free-market Senate. All their hard work is for naught if a senator can't be bought for $1.5 million.

It's no wonder fine Republicans like staghounds are so angry.

Thank God for dogsleds

I finally made it over the pass, but now I need to head out for work. Please forgive me for not posting anything new today. I'll make up for it tonight.

Until then, please help Pope Closetine XXXIV*, decide what he should put on his most holy IPod.

*I do not recognize the three Closetines who were anti-popes.

Bringing the war home

Richard Thompson
Chief of Police, Dillingham AK

Dear Chief Thompson,

We can't all fight on the Iraq Front of the Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. Some of us have to serve here at home on the Domestic Front.
I salute you for being one of the few, the proud, and the brave who've chosen to do just that.

Some might say that a small town like Dillingham (pop. 2,400) wouldn't rank very high on Saddam bin Laden's list of targets, but we know better. The Mus-Coms know that they can destroy us only if they destroy our values first. That's why a small town in rural Alaska is such an inviting target. Small rural towns like Dillingham are the last places where traditional Heartland values are still cherished.

Thank God you're prepared. When the Mus-Coms come to Dillingham, they'll be met by 80 surveillance cameras. That's one camera for every 30 Dillinghamanians. With the possible exception of the racing lawnmower trailer bought by Texas authorities, I don't think there's been a wiser use of Homeland Security funding.

Some might wonder how a six-man police force could monitor eighty cameras and still find time for doughnuts. But you've solved that problem by giving the job to the 101st Fighting Keyboarders. With a single click, they can take a break from their jingoistic ranting and scarf down a handful of Cheetos while scanning your docks for brown people wearing ninja outfits.

Thanks again for all you do keeping the rest of us secure.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to reader Michelle.

The General ♥ John from the Cowboy State

In a purely heterosexual kind of way, of course.

Thanks for the batteries. How did you know where to send them? They weren't on my wish list.

Ofjoshua asked me why people are sending me batteries. I didn't know I'd received any at the time, so I thought maybe she was hinting that she'd found my ReamMaster 5000. "They're not mine," I replied, "you use them." She responded that our neighbor, Mr. Garcia, doesn't require batteries.

That's what I love about Ofjoshua. Her commitment to serving her fellow man is so great, her first thought was of Mr. Garcia's needs.

I finally figured it all out when I saw that they were from John.

Thanks again, Colonel.

Hate to see it go to waste

I've been meaning to write a letter to Sen. Napoli, but action in the War on Women's other fronts drew my attention away from his Godly work. Now, it's probably too late to do it.

Here's the photo I was going to use.



Here's another post I'll probably never write.

Pamela Geller Oshry
Atlas Shrugs

Dear Mrs. Oshry,

I want to link to your interview with John Bolton, but I'm having a problem creating a graphic to go with it. Could you send me a picture of the back of your head?

Thanks in advance.

I am not a homosexual.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Countering the fetislamist threat

Sen Nancy Schaefer
Georgia State Senator

Dear Sen. Schaefer,

I enjoyed reading about your speech at Eggs and Issues on Saturday. It hadn't occurred to me that abortion is at the root of all our immigration problems. Your idea to save fetus-Americans from being aborted so that we can turn them into sub-minimum-wage workers was absolutely brilliant. The only thing it lacks is a homeland security element.

How do we know that all of these fetuses are truly American? We really can't be sure who their fathers are. That creates a blind spot in our security that a bright Al Qaeda operative or people smuggler will eventually find a way exploit. We know that Islamists are as committed to forced childbirth as we are. I'd bet that there are a few who, like me, are so pro-life, they store their little spermatislamists in mason jars down in the cellar. Give them a turkey baster and we could be awash with fetislamists before we even realize our defenses have been breached.

I'm not sure how we counter that. We could allow the Minuteman Project to go out on womb patrols, but how will they know whether a newborn brown baby is a terrorist, a foreigner, or a citizen? We can't expect a newborn to prove his citizenship by answering questions about NASCAR.

Maybe the answer is to license sex. Pastors could do the licensing, and the Minutemen could be on hand to witness conception. That might be the answer. We'd need to flesh it out a lot. You could do that while you're writing the bill.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Doc in Lafayette's comments.

Talking points

Rep. Eric Swafford
Tennessee House of Representatives

Dear Rep Swafford,

I applaud you for sponsoring a bill banning the sale of certain appliances. You know what I mean, the vibrating things that sometimes look like a man's little soldier. I call them toy soldiers.

As much as I like your bill, I'm certain it will anger feminists and those who believe the heresy that the government has no business regulating a woman's lady-parts. Expect these femislamists to attack you viciously.

No doubt they'll be aided and abetted by a media feeling empowered after bringing about our nation's defeat in Iraq. You'll need to be prepared for them.

That's where I come in. I've prepared a few talking points to help you manage their interviews:

• Sexual devices cause women to have unreal expectations about men.

• Some of these devices are 4 inches or longer in length and over an inch in diameter.
• These devices stay hard all of the time, even when wrestling isn't on the TV.
• These devices seldom cause a woman to cry or vomit.

• This bill is not targeted at Bill O'Reilly.

• Bill O'Reilly will always be welcome to visit Tennessee.
• Nothing in this bill prevents Bill O'Reilly from bringing his ReamMaster 5000 into the state as long as it is for his own personal use.
• Although Mr. O'Reilly will be unable to buy a sexual device in Tennessee, there is nothing in the bill that bars him from buying batteries for any device he brings with him.

• I am considering amending the bill.

• I'm working on language to allow Alpha Gamma Rho fraternities in the state to purchase one AlphaGoat with the Vibra-Bleat® option prior to pledge week each year.
• I'm adding a clause that will allow for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.

I hope you find these talking points useful.

Heterosexually yours,

General JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to MzNicky.

Women's Studies in the Heartland

That's the Gospel according to Sen. Napoli.

Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Thanks for the Koufax nominations

It looks like the Koufax balloting is open. Thanks to everyone who nominated Jesus' General. I'm always amazed by the support this blog receives.

Jesus' General was nominated in the following categories:

Best Blog (non-professional)

Best Post for Twenty-two by guestblogger Desi from Mia Culpa

Best Series for the Yellow Elephant campaign

Most Humorous Blog (Yes, once again the French are trying to marginalize my important conservative message by calling it humor.)

Most Humorous Post for Less painful than a crucifix

Please check out all of the other nominees as well. They're all so seditious, you'd think Thomas Paine was still around and blogging up a storm.

Thanks again, and thanks to the good people at Wampum. They put a lot of effort into these awards, and their servers take a huge hit when they do it. If you have a few extra bucks, please consider helping them out with their bandwidth costs (you'll find links to PayPal and Amazon in the upper left corner of their home page).

Missouri: Where mules and Jesus are king

Rep. David Sater
Missouri House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Sater,

I want to thank you personally for sponsoring the resolution making Jesus Christ the Official God of the State of Missouri. It's about time the state recognized that Jesus deserves the same exalted status as mules and paddlefish. I can't wait to see the poster.

I hope your bill is only the first step toward remaking Missouri into the new Zion. I long for the day when I see blasphemers, Buddhists, and sabbath violators locked up in stocks on the courthouse lawn. That'll set society right in a hurry, won't it.

But there are a couple of other tasks that need to be completed before the pillorying begins. First, you'll need to cleans the legislature of Satan's minions. You might consider starting with Rep. Susan Phillips. Sure, she seems like a god-fearing woman--her bill defending the parental rights of fathers who impregnate their daughters is proof of that--but her strange mutterings and the fact that her eyebrows don't move have convinced me that she might be a witch. If you're unsure, you might consider sitting next to her at a hearing and sticking her repeatedly with a pin to see of you can locate her devil's mark.

Next, you'll need to destroy Branson. If Las Vegas is the new Sodom, then Branson is definitely the new Gomorrah. Think about it. Aren't you ashamed that a town in your state markets itself as the home of acts like the Baldknobber's Jamboree and the Tall Timber Lumberjack Show. I bet the place is crawling with homosexuals.

Some might defend the Baldknobber's Jamboree for perpetuating positive stereotypes about the state and, thereby, counterbalancing the negative stereotypes the coastal elites promote about us, but dammit, the show is called the Baldknobber's Jamboree--I think that tells us all we need to know about their true agenda.

Others might argue Branson isn't all bad, citing shows like Act for God and the Lowe Family as examples of traditional family entertainment. But in Act for God's case, the title may be misleading. A picture on their website shows a skit featuring body parts. If you look closely, you'll notice a not-man standing between the head and the left hand. She's holding a ball. Case closed.

The Lowe Family is the exception that proves the rule. The part of their show where they re-enact raising the flag at Iwo Jima, albeit while wearing Liberace wear, is proof that they are not a part of Branson's hedonistic culture. Like Lott and his family, the Lowes should be spirited out of this New Gomorrah before it is leveled.

Well, that should be enough to give you a good start.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: I was going to call this update, David Sater is a better Christian than you. After all, he's not only a Baptist, he's a Methodist too. Then, I noticed that he's the music minister at the Methodist church in Shell Knob and that sounds just a little too dirty to me.

From his official House bio:

Rep. Sater is both a member of the First Baptist Church of Cassville and the United Methodist Church of Shell Knob, where he is with the music ministry of the church.

Where were you in '72?

It looks like Mr. Rove was picking up a few ideas for later use.