V for Vendetta

See it!

And while you watch it, remember that patriots are condemning it for "celebrating terrorism." That's what we've come to in our Our Leader's America.

Hannicatch of the week

Here's a Hannity fan for the guys.

Sweater affectionado Astronette wants a man who shares her commitment to morality, family values, and Jesus. She dreams of the day when a knight in shining armor will sweep her off her feet and take her to a place where there aren't any "minority gangs."



Previous Hannicatches:

No Coloreds

Republican Fundraiser

Kentucky Thoroughbred

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that puts people on reality shows!

Protecting Pastor Wildmon

Rusty Benson
Associate Editor, American Family Association Journal

Dear Mr Benson,

I understand that you, Pastor Wildmon, and my old friend, Ed Vitagliano, are planning to go on a tour* of homosexual bathhouses. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. You just don't know what could happen when you have a room full of naked homosexuals working their mojo on you. Heck, you could be standing there one moment reading from Leviticus and the next thing you know you wake up naked, sore, hungover, and sticky with the words "I command the General" (or...uhhh...something like that) tattooed in big, bold letters on your butt.

If you're determined to go into those places anyway, I'd suggest that you take precautions to make you less desirable to the clientele. Leslee J. Unruh of the Abstinence Clearinghouse has done some great thinking along those lines. She opposes funding a vaccine for genital warts (a leading cause of cervical cancer) because she says it will lessen the fear women have about engaging in premarital sex.

I'm thinking that you might want to instill the same kind of fear into those bathhouse homosexuals you're going to meet. Think about it, you show up with raging cases of genital and anal warts and nobody's going to want to touch you.

Stop by my compound before your tour, and my adjutant, Col. Cletis, will assist you in acquiring the warts. All I ask is that you don't believe a word Cletis says about where he got them. He's a damned liar!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Don't miss the audio clip in the top right corner.

A helmet tip to Sam Seder.

Contraceptives: Satan's Own Frito Pie

Mary Worthington
No Room for Contraception

Dear Miss Worthington,

I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled upon your organization's website this evening. Unlike other members of the forced childbirth lobby, you aren't afraid to talk about the evil of non-procreative sex and the invention that made it possible, contraception.

I have always believed that the advent of sex-for-fun was the catalyst for such societal evils as "the nooner" and "the quickie," but I must admit that I hadn't considered the relationship between contraception and homosexuality until I read your article. It certainly makes sense. Once sex was separated from procreation, it was inevitable that men would succumb to homosexuality's siren song.

I am disappointed , however, that you did not address the relationship between masturbation and contraceptives. Certainly, this is another practice that can be tied to cultural changes that occurred when sex-for-the-hell-of-it became acceptable.

I think that's why so few men do as I do and store their spermatazoan-Americans in mason jars down in the cellar. The advent of non-procreative sex cheapens the value of their squiggly little sperm-baby lives to the point where the average man thinks nothing of murdering billions of them during the time it takes to watch an episode of Dragnet.

Well, your site gave me a lot to think about. For that, I thank you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Feminislamisting.

Help! Mom! There are Mexicans in the Bathtub

Amazon has a new blog-like feature where you can comment on the books they sell. After reading World O' Crap's unpatriotic review of Katharine DeBrecht's Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper!, I decided to try this feature out. If you think my comment adds anything to the discussion, please consider giving it your vote by clicking the appropriate button.

Your books are a godsend to busy parents like myself who just never seem to have the time to teach their Children to hate the left. I loved Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under my Bed! and I'm going to order Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper! today!

I think your next book should be about illegal immigration. You could call it Help! Mom! There are Mexicans in the Bathtub!

It would practically write itself. Janie and Sam are surprised to find a dozen impoverished Mexicans in their bathtub. Not knowing what to do, they call into Bill O'Reilly's radio show to ask for his advice. Bill wants to help, but runs out of ideas when Janie tells him that the Mexicans are standing on the loofa. Frustrated, Bill sends Fox Security.

Meanwhile, Mom is in a trance-like state, watching her stories on the tee vee. She doesn't notice anything strange until she yells at little Sammy to go to the store and get her some smokes. Hearing no reply, she grabs her Mighty Spatula of Dobsonian Discipline and heads for the bathroom where she discovers the Fox Security guys installing an electric fence topped with razor wire.

Mom yells, "praise Jesus," and wacks Fox Security Sergeant Jake playfully on the butt with her spatula. Everyone laughs at this until they're hacking up yesterday's smokes. Everyone, that is, except the Mexicans. They're trying to sneak through the uncompleted fence. Mom tells them, "What the heck. I'll give you a quarter if you clean the house while I take the Sergeant upstairs to see my Kinkades."

The Mexicans finally haul out the last bag of trash four hours later and are met by immigration agents summoned by Mom. Everyone laughs as the immigrants are handcuffed. The kids love it when Mom saves a quarter.

You'll need to pretty it up a bit, but I think I've given you the makings of another book. No need to worry about crediting me. I'll get my satisfaction from knowing that I'm helping you teach traditional conservative values to our nation's children.

Honoring Adele

The Jivester pens a song for Adele.

Recruiting "top drawer blacks" for the GOP

Adele Fergusen
Kitsap Peninsula Business Journal

Dear Mrs. Fergusen,

I think you answered your own question about why black people aren't flocking to the Republican Party. If, as you point out, slavery was a godsend to them, then surely, they're still angry at Lincoln, the first Republican president, for freeing them. If it wasn't for him, they'd still be enjoying all of the fruits slavery had to offer, things like: hand-me-downs from the big house; forced breeding; free scarification; the joy that comes from seeing your children selected for housework or sold to a master who doesn't beat them during rape; and the comfort that comes from knowing one's place in the world.

That goes for what you call the "top drawer blacks" as well as the poor, uneducated ones. Under slavery, all were roughly equal within a certain price range. Emancipation exiled both "top drawer" and uneducated blacks from this most egalitarian institution, forcing them to take the lesser gifts of segregation and Jim Crow.

So where do we go from here? How do we convince blacks to forgive Lincoln and join the GOP? Short of reinstating slavery, I'm not sure there's an easy answer. I guess columns like yours will have to do for now. I suspect there are very few "top drawer blacks" who could resist such a persuasive argument.

I am not a homosexual,

Gen. JC Christian patriot

What sister-wives do on their days off

Pastor Scott Ledbetter
God's Remnant Church

Dear Pastor Ledbetter,

My curiosity was piqued by the following statement you wrote in your "polygamist wife wanted" ad at polygamy.com:

We do not believe in homosexual relationships! Although we believe that the 'two women' are okay as long as it does not take the place of the male.

I'm not sure I know what you mean by this. After all, we both know that women don't have little soldiers and therefore can't be homosexuals. Are you suggesting that it is OK for a man to lie with multiple wives at the same time? If that's the case, wouldn't it compound the problems men like ourselves have when we bed a woman? It's hard enough to put up with one woman's crying, vomiting, and cutting remarks about the size and virility of our little soldiers. I can't imagine doubling or tripling it would make it any better.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Grandpa was delighted by her teenage stocking

Mitt Romney's big win in Memphis, the premier of HBO's Big Love and the endorsement of polygamy by two of Red America's most respected pundits got me to thinking about my own polygamist roots. On July 31, 1857, My great, great grandpa, Wilford Woodruff was sealed for time and all eternity to his ninth wife, Sarah Delight Stocking. He was fifty years old and a member of Mormon Church's Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, a body whose power is second only to that held by the Prophet, himself. Grandma Sarah was nineteen at the time.

Thirty-three years later, Wilford, now the Mormon Prophet, Seer, and Revelator, received a revelation from God telling him that the Lord had been thinking about polygamy and had decided that it wasn't such good idea after all. Grandpa responded by issuing the 1890 Manifesto which renounced plural marriage.

The manifesto was not retroactive, so Grandma lost none of her rights as a ninth wife. Still, many Mormons, including Grandpa, didn't really take it all that seriously. For them, it was more about jumping through the hoops needed to acquire statehood for Utah than any real change in doctrine. It was if God had winked and crossed His fingers behind His back when He told Wilford to issue the Manifesto.

Some Mormons, refusing to obey the Manifesto and fearful of the resulting federal crackdown on polygamists, pulled up stakes and moved to Mexico. Among them were Miles Romney, Mitt's great grandfather, and his three wives. The Romneys remained in Mexico until the Revolution, when Mitt's father, future Governor George, moved back to the States.

I suppose that it's because of this history that Mitt refuses to condemn the practice of plural marriage. Some might view such reluctance as being an impediment to his presidential chances, but now that Tierney and Kurtz are on the polygamy bandwagon, support for it may become a conservative litmus test. I hope that's the case.

Despite the Mormon Church's assurances that it opposes polygamy, it's still fairly widely practiced and accepted within Utah. I knew a few of them when I lived in Tremonton. As I recall, they were accepted and treated with respect by their neighbors as well as the Church. They were viewed more as being ultra-pious than heretical. More importantly, the men ruled their families as God intended. They also got the pick of all the young gals in their community. Their word had the force of God's will.

That's why Mitt's candidacy and the rise of a pro-polygamy lobby within the conservative chattering class is so encouraging to me. As I approach 50, Wilford's age when he married Sarah, the thought of a teenage second wife becomes more appealing every day.

Go Mitt.

Update: Ofjoshua says I'm the spitting image of my grandpa. He's a handsome devil prophet of the Lord, isn't he. I guess I'll have no problem finding a teenage sister-wife for her.

He paints cartoon characters with liquid light

Thomas Kinkade
Painter of Light

Dear Mr. Kinkade,

I've been a big fan of your Christ-centered artwork for many years. Pieces like Faith Mountain and Sunrise Bear convinced me that you had reached the absolute pinnacle of your work as an artist, establishing your place in the world of art forever.

Then you surprised me by becoming a performance artist and activist. I now realize that painting and sculpture are only a small part of the contribution you will make to art and culture. Indeed, if your first performance art piece is any indication of your future work, it is the thing for which you will be most remembered. Indeed, your activism-oriented performance art may very well earn you the title of the greatest artist of all time.

Your first effort was absolutely magnificent. When you peed on Winnie the Pooh, you issued a statement so eloquent in its simplicity, it made all the pro-family, anti-cartoon-character work of good men like Jerry Falwell and James Dobson seem amateurish in comparison. Your single act exposed the relationship Winnie has with Eeyore for the sick, depraved, ugly thing it truly is. If only your predecessors had been so effective against Tinky Winky and Spongebob, we may have never had to deal with Bob the Builder or Dora the Explorer.

I pray that you will continue your performance art activism. Tinky Winky and Spongebob remain popular, perhaps it's time to deal them a final blow.

I'm looking forward to your next piece.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

One for the men

Jacques at Crooks and Liars found another Hannicatch of the Week.

For your GOP-approved water fountains

Take a stand for James Crowe laws and the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution by placing these stickers on your favorite water fountains, restrooms, and resturants.



Helmet tip to Radical Russ