April 1st Post

Today's post can be found here.

Not quite ready yet

Curt's man, Moammar

Curt Weldon
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Weldon,

Next to the white Christian male, Republican Congressmen are quickly becoming the most put upon group around. One minute, you're being persecuted for offering legislative sponsorship opportunities to corporations and the next you're being criticized for the way your leg shakes when Our Leader rubs your belly.

That's why I was so happy to see you stand up to Tom Ferrick Jr. It wasn't fair of him to write that you had attended the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's crowning as "humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent." I wish I could have seen his face when you told him that you left the ceremony immediately after you honored Gen. Moammar Gadhafi as a "man of peace," and wasn't there for Moon's coronation.

I bet it was a big thrill to be chosen to honor Gen. Gadafi. I hear he's one heck of a nice guy. Did he give you an autographed copy of his Little Green Book?

Appearing with world leaders has to be good for your image. You should do it more often. Have you thought of doing something with Kim Jong Il. A Friars Club like roast would be a heck of a lot of fun. Everyone could make jokes about how his father's monuments are bigger than his. Then you and Kim could take turns giving them pain approaching, but not equivalent to, that experienced during organ failure.

You could even turn it into a great corporate sponsorship opportunity by selling ad space on your suits and putting one of those Golden Palace henna tattoos on your foreheads. Hey, I bet you could also do that on C-Span during votes. Now, that's the kind of idea that'll get you one of the good chairs at the caucus meetings. Feel free to use it. All I ask for is a 20% cut.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Is Lou Dobbs Day around the corner?

Agribusiness is king where the General lives. It's not only the biggest industry in town, it's about the only industry we have in my county. That means we have a lot of illegal immigrants. The local economy depends on them.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) holds periodical roundups of these workers. Usually they occur on the heels of the harvest and are targeted at farmworkers. Occasionally, one of the many canneries in the area is hit, but only when the workers get too uppity and start talking to union organizers.

The roundups are always elaborately planned and very efficiently carried out. The workers are picked up, held at a temporary facility for a day or two before appearing at an assembly line style hearing, and then sent straight to Mexico (most of our farmworkers come from two Mexican states, Michoacán and Jalisco).

A new roundup began on Tuesday. It's very different from previous ones. Immigration's already hit more than one cannery and, according to Ofjoshua's sources at ICE, they plan to continue raiding canneries through Friday. They've also added restaurants to their list for the first time.

The strangest thing about it is that they aren't holding anyone. They're photographing and fingerprinting them and then picking up their families for similar treatment before letting everyone go. From what I understand, it's as well planned and efficient as every other roundup, except they've done away with the detention, hearings, and deportation.

I can't quite figure out why they're doing it this way, but I have to wonder if it's all prep for some kind of Lou Dobbs Day when thousands of illegals are gathered up all across the country to serve as props for one of Our Leader's glorious media events.

Like all patriotic bloggers, I'm required by the Pajama Code to wear two hats, the yellow beret of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders and the Eggman Fedora. I've been neglecting the latter because kerning doesn't interest me, but I suppose that I should don it now. After all, we can't expect Chuck Johnson to do all of our journalism for us. It interferes with his first love: promoting genocide.

So I guess that leaves me to cover the Lou Dobbs Day story. I'll need your help to do it. Do a little snooping around your community. Are similar roundups happening there? Also pose the question in the comments section of other blogs. Try to enlist others to help. Then, send your info to me at patriotboy at charter period-thing net. I'd appreciate it.

In the Spirit of Janklow

Sen. Bill Napoli
South Dakota State Senator

Dear Sen. Napoli,

A couple of news items got me to thinking about you today. The first one was your interview with Raw Story. I thought that went very well for you. I was particularly impressed by your response when the interviewer, citing South Dakota's 17% infant mortality rate, wondered whether more babies might be saved if you spent your time on healthcare legislation rather than abortion. You answered by blaming the Sioux. I couldn't agree more. If the Sioux want their children to live, they need to stop being too poor to be able to buy health insurance.

Unfortunately, I think many Raw Story readers might not have enough of an understanding of your state's history to appreciate the brilliance of blaming the Sioux. It's a cherished traditional conservative value in South Dakota. I was worried that it had died with Bill Janklow's political career. After all, how could anyone match him when it comes to hating the Sioux.

Janklow became South Dakota's Attorney General at a time when a corrupt, corporate-owned, Nixon-supported tribal chairman, Big Dick Wilson, and his personal political security force, the Guardians Of The Ogallala Nation (a name chosen for the acronym, "GOON") were executing traditional Sioux at a higher rate than that seen in Chile under the junta lead by Pinochet during the same time frame. How did Janklow respond? He prosecuted the victims.*

Thank God, you're continuing the tradition.

With Janklow in mind, let's move on to the second story. It's about an abortion that occurred in Pakistan recently. It's the kind of abortion that is now illegal in your state. Although the mother did not willingly engage in sex to become pregnant, she wasn't Christian, hadn't committed herself to virginity, and hadn't been subjected to terrible acts of sodomy--all the elements you've said would be required for a rape to be considered "bad" enough to justify an abortion for the victim. Heck, the act in which she conceived can't even be classified as what you would call "good rape," the kind of rape Bill Janklow committed against his young Sioux babysitter when he was an attorney on the reservation. The Pakistani mother conceived immaculately at the age of two months.

How would you handle such a case if it occurred in South Dakota. Would you try this immoral infant as an adult?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*For more about Big Dick Wilson, his GOONs, Janklow, the FBI's complicity, and the Chilean comparison read In the Spirit of Crazy Horse by Peter Matthiessen.

The Spongebobbing of the Christ

Dr. Judith Reisman
The Institute for Media Education

Dear Dr. Reisman,

I think there are many of us who've wondered how it is possible that so many priests are pedophiles. Although we rejected the secularist explanation that the Church's repressive sexual policies were at fault, we had no reasonable theory to compete with it. Claims promoted by you and others that it was the result of a homosexual conspiracy did not ring true--too many of the assaults were heterosexual in nature.

Now, thanks to your collaboration with the makers of the documentary, Rape of the Soul, we finally have a satisfactory explanation for those despicable crimes: the priests' wills were subverted by subliminal images, ranging from penises to demonic faces, incorporated into sacred works of art.

Although this is certainly the best work you've done since Captain Kangaroo, I'm concerned that you may have overlooked the most important work of Christian art ever created, Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. It's a very powerful film, an orgy of blood, torn flesh, and suffering that's revived our faith and replenished our thirsty souls.

Yet there was something that always bothered me about it. At first, I was uncomfortable with the way it aroused me, but then I noticed that everyone in my Patriots of the Bible study group had the same reaction when we discussed the biblical justification for torture. That served as confirmation that I was aroused for the right reasons.

It was only after reading about Rape of the Soul that I considered the possibility that subliminal imagery might have been incorporated into The Passion of the Christ. A quick scan through the video proved this to be true. The clearest example comes in the scene where Jesus is carrying his cross through the streets of Jerusalem.

I'm enclosing a frame from that scene, along with an enhanced image for your examination. As you can see, it shows Spongebob Squarepants being orally pleasured by Tinky Winky as Alfred Kinsey takes notes. Seeing this, it's no wonder the film made me uncomfortable.

I don't see any references to The Passion of the Christ in the trailer for Rape of the Soul. I hope that doesn't mean that it isn't addressed in the film.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Not seen on Lou Dobbs

If they really love America why are they always waving those Irish flags?

Thank God, Malkin's Minutemen are on the job.



Thanks to Isis for allowing me to use the above photo. See more from the same immigration reform rally here.

Si, Se Puede!

Helmet tips to reader Alex, Lafayette and Roxanne.

Eyewitness to victory

Howard Kaloogian
Candidate for Congress

Dear Assemblyman Kaloogian,

I was pleased to see your testimonial to Baghdad's calm and stability on your website and have created the enclosed campaign poster for your use.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Today's good news from Iraq

Our Leader's been complaining about the lack of good news being reported out of Iraq. He has a good point. As I surf around the Francosphere, I see Juan Cole writing about 69 Iraqis killed yesterday, Lafayette reporting that the Iraqis are upset about a church massacre, and Allbritton writing about death squads.

I'm going answer Our Leader's challenge and report some good news. Actually, it's more than good news; it's great news--news so fantastic, CENTCOM featured it in their Good News News:

The direct repair of tractors is currently underway; the program will return to service at least 5,000 tractors. To date, 1,437 tractors have been repaired in workshops located around Iraq.

Repairing 1,437 tractors might not seem like as big a deal as death squads and mosque massacres, but you have to put it in its proper perspective. The old Soviet version of Pravda was big on writing good news stories about tractor production. They would have killed for a story about 1,437 repaired tractors. It looks like 1000 was the best they could do during wartime:

The personnel of the plant [M. I. Kalinin Tractor Plant, in Rubtovsk] mastered the production of the ATZ-NATI (Altair Tractor Plant Institute of Motor and Tractor Scientific Research) caterpillar tractor in record time and produced the first thousand tractors as early as December 1943.

Sure, the M. I. Kalinin Tractor Plant was building them from scratch and we're only repairing them, but they were fighting something called the Great Patriotic War while we're engaged in the ultimate struggle for world freedom. We don't have time to build tractors, but I bet our repaired ones can outplow the crap out of the commie ones.

No Julia Child?

I bet there ain't a single recipe that uses bacon grease in the whole damned cookbook.

Hmmmm...bacon grease.

Jesus is her campaign consultant

Rep. Katherine Harris
Candidate for the US Senate

Dear Rep. Harris,

Don't listen to your detractors. I think it's great that you've driven off your more secular-minded advisors like Ed Rollins, Adam Goodman, and Jamie Miller and given over control of your campaign to Dr. Dale Burroughs of the Biblical Heritage Institute.

I'm not usually very supportive of women doing God's work--or even being senators for that matter--but, after looking at Dr. Dale's credentials as one of our fiercest warriors in both the War On Love and the War on Women, I think you're in very good hands. Her work for one of the most vicious persecutors of homosexuals around, Rev. Don Wildmon's Arlington Group; her forced childbirth advocacy work with the Committee for Justice; and her tireless efforts promoting America for Jesus tell me all I need to know about her. Surely, she has what it takes to raise your campaign from the dead this Easter season.

Of course, you also bring something very special to your campaign: your miraculous Kabbalah water. Perhaps you and Dr. Dale could combine your specialties and use the magic water to turn homosexuals into heterosexuals or to make gynecologist's hands fall off or something. If it can cure citrus canker, it can certainly destroy homosexuals and OBG/GYNs.

Think of the video you could shoot for your ads. You storm into a Planned Parenthood clinic, throw your magic water into the face of the first person who tries to give you a condom, and their hands fall off. It'll scare the hell out of voters. They'll be too afraid to vote for anyone other than you.

You don't think that idea's too crazy do you? No, of course you don't--you're Katherine Harris.

Heterosexually (hold the water) yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Brady's choice

I want to thank John Moltz for organizing a campaign to convince Jim Brady to appoint me to fill the Karl Rove Chair of Official Truths at the Washington Post. It will be difficult for anyone to fill the shoes of the former occupant, Ben "Xerox" Domenech, but I think I'm up to the task. Please drop by John's site, read his letter, and then send Mr. Brady one of your own. Heck, you can just copy John's--Brady won't notice. His email address is executive.editor@washingtonpost.com.

Here's my letter.

Jim Brady
Executive Editor
washingtonpost.com

Dear Mr. Brady,

Please consider my application for the position of Conservative Blogger at washingtonpost.com. I have over three years of blogging experience at Jesus' General, the Official Organ of the Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution. I've also served Our Leader as a ghostblogger at His unofficial blog.

Once you've taken a look at the work I've done at Jesus' General, I'm sure you'll agree that I have a lot to offer washingtonpost.com. I'm well known in blogging circles for being the first blogger to write about the plight of Blastocyst-Americans and their cousins, the Spermatazoan-Americans.

My advocacy for these most vulnerable of citizens doesn't end at the keyboard. I've organized "NASCAR Jackets For Frozen Embryos" campaigns and lobbied the First Lady to form a Spermatazoan-American cavalry unit. Furthermore, not only did I invent a tiny firearm that Fetus-Americans can use to defend themselves from gynecologists, I've also asked the NRA to help me develop a "Ziggy the Zygote" program to teach them how to safely use their little pieces.

Like the Post, I was an advocate for Our Glorious Iraq Adventure long before Our Leader created his justification for launching it. Currently, I'm helping to prepare the groundwork for the Venezuelan Phase of Our Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People. While most of my colleagues were simply transcribing Otto Reich's leaks regarding Chavez's nuclear ambitions and ties to Mus-Com terrorists, I was writing about Venezuela's acquisition of Vogon battle cruisers. My colleagues have yet to catch up with me on that one.

Most importantly, with me at the Post's blogging helm, you and your bosses will never be faced with the thing you fear most--a phone call from the White House expressing disappointment with your content. I don't care how bad the news is, I'll shape it to make Our Leader look like he actually knows what he's doing.

I also have a very good relationship with the Senate and House Republican caucuses. They were touched when I offered them my Shiv Making 101 class and Rep. Delay loved my "If Amway Sold Smokes: Multi-Level Marketing in a Prison Setting" seminar.

Best of all, I've never worked as a harlot--no Jeff Gannon problems here--nor have I stolen another writer's work--Mr. Dickens approved my A Story About Two Places piece. You have nothing to worry about from me unless you're uncomfortable being around a man who is 110% heterosexual. That reminds me. Don't believe a damned thing Cletis says. He's a liar.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.S. Like Deborah Howell, I hate fucking reader cocksuckers.

Have they no shame?

Breaking news: Homosexuals jailed for attempting to deflower one of America's most beloved pastors.

Developing...

Crafty Lefties

I believe today (Sunday) is the last day of Koufax voting. There are a lot of very seditious blogs in the running. Check them all out and pick the ones you think are most deserving of the State Security Apparatus's attention.

And please consider contributing a few dollars to help Wampum defray costs until their faith-based homeland security funding comes in.

You can vote in the comments at each link or by email, wampum @ nic-naa.net. (subject: Koufax).

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