Michael Savage loves the black man

Michael Savage
Savage Nation

Dear Mr. Savage,

There are those who would call you a racist for calling the alleged Duke Lacrosse Team rape victim a "dirty, verminous black stripper." They'd point to the structure of the phrase, suggesting that perhaps you thought that adding the adjective, "black," to "dirty, verminous stripper" added force to your condemnation. Indeed, they would say that your choice of adjectives suggests that you believe "black" is as negative a description as "dirty" or "verminous."

Fortunately, you have the perfect piece of evidence to counter such a claim. I'm referring of course to one of your letters to the late Allen Ginsberg--not the one in which you reveal your fantasy of shoving a camera up the beat poet's ass to photograph his rectum, but the other one, where you try to impress him with a burroughsesque tale of fingering "a little-known black brother."

Read the letters a couple of times during your show and everyone will see that you're certainly not a racist. You might also consider doing it on your good friend Chris Matthews's show the next time he needs you to come on to condemn sodomites.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

This man could kick your ass

I imagine that John Wohlstetter put a lot of thought into picking this photo of himself to use on his Discovery Institute sponsored blog. It's a good choice. Very neocon. It conveys the impression that he's a man who'd kill you by shoving an ice pick into your ear and then, hoping to get lucky, take your cold, dead body to the opera to catch Wagner's Götterdämmerung.

Connecticut's favorite son: Marshal Petain

I wasn't back home more than a few minutes before Ofjoshua was dragging me off to a Passover Seder. It's an old Christian custom where everybody eats crackers, horseradish, and some kind of jellyfish. I think I was a hit with all of the other attendees. Every time I yelled "praise Jesus," all conversation stopped and every eye turned to me.

Anyway, this is my first night at home in over a week, and I'm too exhausted to write post anything of my own. So please go over to VichyDems and read Thersites2's excellent proposal.

Here's a short excerpt:

Instead of employing Mexicans in Mexico, where they waste our perfectly good American pennies on Mexican tortillas, we can pay American workers the same free-market wages here at home, and make American tortilla-makers rich! Why should WalMart customers' money support some Chinese seamstress, when No Child Left Behind and the underfunding of Head Start has created our very own underclass of impoverished young women willing to work for a penny a seam? And since Mexican pollution blows right across the Rio Grande to pollute our air, and water always finds its own level anyway, why should we worry about environmental degradation and melting ice caps? If anyone's going to get rich by crapping on the environment, then bless it, it should be us!

As to the illegal immigrant problem, well, once we've leveled the playing field by making America's environment, job opportunities, and social safety net no better than they are in Guatemala and Guam, those people probably will pack up and head home of their own accord. Problem solved.

The latest battle in the War on Easter

I forgot to mention that I saw that French bastard, Carl Ballard, at Drinking Liberally. His Washington State Political Report is so seditious it makes patriotic talk show host John Carlson bawl like a prescriptionless Limbaugh.

And speaking of making John Carlson cry, Brian Flemming did just that the other day when he challenged the humiliatingly defeated former gubernatorial candidate to prove that our Savior is more real than the One True Bunny.

Ninja terrorists in the Heartland

A lot of people thought I was joking back in August 2004 when I first reported the Coast Guard's assertion that terrorists often dress up like ninjas. These same people laughed again a month later when I wrote about an incident in England where American tourists reported a bunch of possible terrorists in ninja outfits to the local police. But who's laughing now that we have people running around wearing ninja suits here in the Heartland? It's not the State Security Apparatus:

ATF agents are always on alert for anything suspicious -- including ninjas.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents, on campus Tuesday for Project Safe Neighborhoods training, detained a "suspicious individual" near the Georgia Center, University Police Chief Jimmy Williamson said.

Jeremiah Ransom, a sophomore from Macon, was leaving a Wesley Foundation pirate vs. ninja event when he was detained.

[...]

"It was surreal," Ransom said. "I was jogging from Wesley to Snelling when I heard someone yell 'freeze.'"

Ransom said he thought a friend was playing a joke before he realized officers had guns drawn and pointed at him.

ATF agents had noticed Ransom's suspicious behavior and clothing and gave chase, apprehending him, Williamson said

.

On the run

I have a few minutes between meetings, so I thought I'd update you on my latest adventures in the Emerald City. The hotel's On Command movie preview is playing in the background as I write this. It's nothing less than a continuous loop of filth. Worse yet, it's directed at our children. While summarizing the plot of a supposedly kid-oriented movie called Nanny McPhee, the host said "...and finally, Nanny McPhee works her magic and whips those little carpet munchers into shape." Yes, that's what she said. First it was Tinky Winky, then Spongebob and Lenny the crossdressing shark, now it's Nanny McPhee. Where will it end?

I had a great time infiltrating Drinking Liberally last night. In fact, I had such a good time, I forgot to pay my bill. I'm going to run back over to Montlake Ale House to make amends. Hopefully, I'll get there before the cops break down my door.

I want to thank Darryl of Hominid Views and Goldy of Horsesass for inviting me to be part of their panel for Podcasting Liberally. I sucked and I'm not being modest when I say that--I truely sucked (in a purely performance-based, heterosexually kind of way, mind you). Thank God the other panelist were good enough to salvage the show. They were very sharp and incredibly funny.

It was great to meet occasional commenter The Him of Blog Reload and the very funny guy from Pike Place Politics. Molly from The (liberal) Girl Next Door is very insightful and quick-witted. I hadn't read her blog before today, but it's now going into my RSS feed.

It was also good to meet the many Jesus' General readers who also infiltrated the event. I'm terrible with names, but I hope to see you all again sometime.

KALOOGIAN WINS!

Funny. These results don't seem to match those in this graphic Howard Kaloogian sent me:

Let cowboys be cowboys

Ruth Malhotra
Georgia Tech College Republicans

Dear Miss Malhotra,

There was a time in this country when Christian people were treated with the respect we deserve. Everyone took it for granted that we were superior to all others. We could backhand an uppity brown person or an insolent wife without fear of reproach, because everyone believed we were God's chosen people.

Things are different today. America has become so wicked and worldly that Christians are no longer treated as superiors. Indeed, the government forbids any recognition that we are better than brown people, women, homosexuals, or even the French.

Thankfully, people like you are taking steps to change that. Your lawsuit demanding that the State allow us to persecute homosexuals is a great first step in the journey to reclaim our rightful place as rulers in this society.

I am praying for your success. With God's help and a good lawyer, we'll return to the days where the heavy thumps of Jesus' Mighty Jackboots of Biblical Conformity will resound across this great nation. And then cowboys can be just cowboys again.

Heterosexually* yours,

Gen. JC Christan, patriot

P.S. I think you've finally found your ticket to conservative stardom. The academic persecution angle wasn't quite cutting it.

*Cletis is a damned liar.

Drinking liberally

See you at Drinking Liberally in Seattle tonight.

Gridlock Doc

Rep. Doc Hastings
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Hastings,

I spent about an hour looking around your website today, and I couldn't find a single reference to your leadership of the House Ethics Committee. Why be so humble? Not a single Congressman has stood before your committee since Rep. DeLay and Speaker Hastert appointed you to chair it. If it wasn't for the administrative action you took carrying over Rep. McDermott's case from the 108th Congress--he's accused of embarrassing Majority Leader Boehner--your record of inaction would be perfect.

You've obviously scared everyone in Congress into faithfully following ethics rules. Otherwise, your hearing schedule would be packed. Of course there will always be misunderstandings like Duke Cunningham's incarceration, the free market lawmaking approach taken by representatives DeLay, Noe, Pombo, Blunt, Doolittle, Harris, Hunter, Ney, Chocola, yourself, and others, and Don Sherwood's penchant for strangling mistresses, but you've obviously found a way to clear their good names without resorting to hearings. That's one heck of an accomplishment.

You're doing yourself a tremendous disservice by not publicizing all of this great work. Do yourself a favor and add your Ethics Committee accomplishments to your website. And while you're at it, put your name and photograph on the Ethics website as well. I couldn't find either anywhere there. It's almost like you're ashamed of the things you've accomplished as Chair.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Earning the Dark Stain of College Republican Valor at a book event in Olympia

Ofjoshua, Ofsomefutureluckyguy, JC II, and I left the Alabama side of Washington State early yesterday morning to visit our sinful capitol city. Our objective: to infiltrate Kos and Jerome's event at Orca Books and beat up some elderly ladies. To my dismay, Ofsomefutureluckyguy and JC II chickened out and decided to swim in the hotel's pool instead, and Ofjoshua, the fine gospel-loving woman that she is, ducked off with a lonely looking guy to provide him Christian comfort in the deepest recesses of Orca Books' seldom visited O'Reilly section. That left me, alone, to deal some Delay-approved patriotic wrath against the septuagenarian Frenchwomen of Olympia.

I approached the two senior seditionettes in attendance stealthily, but just as I was ready to yell "God Bless Our Leader" and bludgeon them down to the floor, one of them turned towards me, exposing me to a face marked with deep lines of cruelty and limitless depths of viciousness. That single look shot tazer darts of fear into my heart and paralyzed every muscle in my body. I felt like a statue, unable to move, even to take a cookie from the plate she offered. Thankfully she moved on quickly, offering her evil wares to others before noticing the Dark Stain of College Republican Valor that was spreading down from my crotchal area and forming a puddle on the floor around my shoes.

Some might criticize me for not completing my objective, but I like to think that the terror and wetness I experienced were evidence that we're winning our battle against these elderly enemies and that victory is around the corner.

Inasmuch as Ofjoshua was still busy attending to our lonely brother in the darkest corner of the building, I couldn't leave, so I sat down and listened to Kos and Jerome discuss their book, Crashing the Gate. What I heard from them scared me even more than the cookie-bearing grandmother. They have a better grasp of the current state of Democratic politics than anyone else I've heard or seen. Heck, my Inner Frenchman spent thousands of dollars on his masters degree in political management and years working on campaigns and gained more insight from reading Crashing the Gate than from both the education and experience combined. If the French read this book and take it to heart, we're through, Our Leader's America will fall. Who will the owners in Our Leader's Ownership Society own then? Who will tell me what to do?

Afterward, I approached Kos and Jerome and asked them to sign my copy of their book. My hope was that they might write something to discredit themselves, perhaps an admission that they thought betraying CIA operatives was a bad thing or something like that. Unfortunately, they simply tried to recruit me into their Democrat lifestyle, writing that they needed me on their side. I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't think of a response and only smiled and nodded dumbly. They probably thought I was an idiot.

One good thing did come out of it. A woman heard me talking to Kos and Jerome and recognizing my name, she introduced herself and told me that she was often awarded the Dark Stain of College Republican Valor when she read Jesus' General. I replied that her comment was the best complement I've ever received. And I meant it. It made my night. Thank you, reader.

Kos and Jerome are coming to a town near you. Buy their book so that you know what the enemy is up to.

Carl, Goldy, and Andrew have more on the Seattle book events.

The Wolves of Tenino

We stopped off at Wolf Haven International on our way to Olympia. They do great work there rescuing gray wolves and helping to revive nearly extinct populations of red wolves and mexican gray wolves. If you're ever in that part of Washington state, stop by and take the tour. It's fantastic.

We adopted a gray wolf named Cricket for JC II's first grade class. It only cost $35 and the money goes to caring for the wolves. You can do the same by going here. In return, the class will get a photograph and bio of your wolf and each child will receive a pencil, a sticker, and a personal connection to the important work of saving a keystone predator from extinction. I know that sounds awfully French, but they are predators and some of them growl at you while you take the tour. It's the next best thing to having breakfast with Deputy Leader Cheney.