The telcos are our friends

I just noticed that a Telecom front group is blessing Jesus' General with its advertising dollars. Their ad is the cartoonish one titled "Don't Regulate The Internet!" Who can argue with that.

After all, regulation is a bad thing. Regulation denies coal companies the opportunity to improve our air by giving it color and substance. It prevents chemical companies from sharing the wonder of flammable rivers with us. And regulation forces us to actually enter into the woods if we want to see the forest behind the trees.

One need only look at the credit card and oil industries to see the benefits we receive when corporations are freed from regulation. Is it too much to ask that the telecom industry get the same treatment?

The internet is far too important to be left in the hands of the rabble. It needs a firm, corporate hand to guide it so that it can become like the rest of our media, a bully pulpit for the powerful. Wouldn't we all feel a little better if Disney replaced Atrios or Rupert Murdock took up residence at Firedog Lake? That's all the telcos want. Who are we to deny it to them?

After all, they're defending our freedom by providing Our Leader with things like this:



Update: MyDD has more.

CoffeeTalk with Pam

Fox News is far too liberal for our dear Pamela, so she's taking Atlas Shrugs to video.



A helmet tip to reader Christian.

Draft Gore?

I imagine that many of you are wondering why I would place a link to Draft Gore 2008 in my sidebar. After all, he believes what scientists say about global warming while rejecting Rush Limbaugh's faith-based and Exxon-Mobil's tobacco-institute-style research on the subject; he thinks the Constitution is more important than Our Leader's quest for absolute power; and he was the first major politician to endorse Howard Dean for president and to call the Chosen One a criminal.

We can't have someone like that as our president. That's why I've decided to support Draft Gore 2008. I'm hoping that once Gore is confronted with the prospect of being drafted, he'll do the right thing--he'll do what Our Leader, Our Deputy Leader, and their patriotic sycophants in Congress did when they faced the draft: get a bunch of deferments or join the National Guard and then go AWOL.

Think about it. Do you really want a President who says things like this:

A president who breaks the law is a threat to the very structure of our government. Our Founding Fathers were adamant that they had established a government of laws and not men. They recognized that the structure of government they had enshrined in our Constitution - our system of checks and balances - was designed with a central purpose of ensuring that it would govern through the rule of law. As John Adams said: "The executive shall never exercise the legislative and judicial powers, or either of them, to the end that it may be a government of laws and not of men."

An executive who arrogates to himself the power to ignore the legitimate legislative directives of the Congress or to act free of the check of the judiciary becomes the central threat that the Founders sought to nullify in the Constitution - an all-powerful executive too reminiscent of the King from whom they had broken free. In the words of James Madison, "the accumulation of all powers, legislative, executive, and judiciary, in the same hands, whether of one, a few, or many, and whether hereditary, self-appointed, or elective, may justly be pronounced the very definition of tyranny."

Or this:

Here is the pattern that I see: the President's mishandling of and selective use of the best evidence available on the threat posed by Iraq is pretty much the same as the way he intentionally distorted the best available evidence on climate change, and rejected the best available evidence on the threat posed to America's economy by his tax and budget proposals.

In each case, the President seems to have been pursuing policies chosen in advance of the facts -- policies designed to benefit friends and supporters -- and has used tactics that deprived the American people of any opportunity to effectively subject his arguments to the kind of informed scrutiny that is essential in our system of checks and balances.

The administration has developed a highly effective propaganda machine to imbed in the public mind mythologies that grow out of the one central doctrine that all of the special interests agree on, which -- in its purest form -- is that government is very bad and should be done away with as much as possible -- except the parts of it that redirect money through big contracts to industries that have won their way into the inner circle.

For the same reasons they push the impression that government is bad, they also promote the myth that there really is no such thing as the public interest. What's important to them is private interests. And what they really mean is that those who have a lot of wealth should be left alone, rather than be called upon to reinvest in society through taxes.

Perhaps the biggest false impression of all lies in the hidden social objectives of this Administration that are advertised with the phrase "compassionate conservatism" -- which they claim is a new departure with substantive meaning. But in reality, to be compassionate is meaningless, if compassion is limited to the mere awareness of the suffering of others. The test of compassion is action. What the administration offers with one hand is the rhetoric of compassion; what it takes away with the other hand are the financial resources necessary to make compassion something more than an empty and fading impression.

Maybe one reason that false impressions have a played a bigger role than they should is that both Congress and the news media have been less vigilant and exacting than they should have been in the way they have tried to hold the Administration accountable.

Whenever both houses of Congress are controlled by the President's party, there is a danger of passivity and a temptation for the legislative branch to abdicate its constitutional role. If the party in question is unusually fierce in demanding ideological uniformity and obedience, then this problem can become even worse and prevent the Congress from properly exercising oversight. Under these circumstances, the majority party in the Congress has a special obligation to the people to permit full Congressional inquiry and oversight rather than to constantly frustrate and prevent it.

[...]

The administration hastened from the beginning to persuade us that defending America against terror cannot be done without seriously abridging the protections of the Constitution for American citizens, up to and including an asserted right to place them in a form of limbo totally beyond the authority of our courts. And that view is both wrong and fundamentally un-American.

But the most urgent need for new oversight of the Executive Branch and the restoration of checks and balances is in the realm of our security, where the Administration is asking that we accept a whole cluster of new myths:

For example, the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty was an effort to strike a bargain between states possessing nuclear weapons and all others who had pledged to refrain from developing them. This administration has rejected it and now, incredibly, wants to embark on a new program to build a brand new generation of smaller (and it hopes, more usable) nuclear bombs. In my opinion, this would be true madness -- and the point of no return to the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty -- even as we and our allies are trying to prevent a nuclear testing breakout by North Korea and Iran.

Similarly, the Kyoto treaty is an historic effort to strike a grand bargain between free-market capitalism and the protection of the global environment, now gravely threatened by rapidly accelerating warming of the Earth's atmosphere and the consequent disruption of climate patterns that have persisted throughout the entire history of civilization as we know it. This administration has tried to protect the oil and coal industries from any restrictions at all -- though Kyoto may become legally effective for global relations even without U.S. participation.

Ironically, the principal cause of global warming is our civilization's addiction to burning massive quantities carbon-based fuels, including principally oil -- the most important source of which is the Persian Gulf, where our soldiers have been sent for the second war in a dozen years -- at least partly to ensure our continued access to oil.

We need to face the fact that our dangerous and unsustainable consumption of oil from a highly unstable part of the world is similar in its consequences to all other addictions. As it becomes worse, the consequences get more severe and you have to pay the dealer more.

And by now, it is obvious to most Americans that we have had one too many wars in the Persian Gulf and that we need an urgent effort to develop environmentally sustainable substitutes for fossil fuels and a truly international effort to stabilize the Persian Gulf and rebuild Iraq.

Al Gore must be stopped! That's why I'm asking you to join me in supporting Draft Gore 2008.

Well said.

I was proud to be a Republican when I heard Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox on CNN this morning. The people of that state are very lucky to have such an intelligent man at the helm of their justice system. He speaks in a way that is easy to understand. That's especially true if you watch a lot of sports interviews on the tee vee.

Here's what he had to say about a child porn investigation he's running:

Justice will be served here in Michigan. We don't drop the ball. We'll take care of things. People just have to let the wheels of justice turn here.

So there you have it: justice will be served; they don't drop the ball; and the wheels of justice must turn.

Reviewing Mary's Book

My Amazon review of Mary Cheney's book isn't up yet, but here's a preview:

Best first book since Tyrone Becomes a Kleagle.

I'm not sure I understand why Miss Cheney became a Republican political operative. After all, the party isn't exactly welcoming people like her--87% of all Republicans want to stone her to death and 92% want her to just shut up while they watch her make-out with another woman.

I imagine she has a good reason. Perhaps, she thinks a soul is a small price to pay for access to all that wealth and power, or maybe she was worried that Dick would shoot her in the face if she declined. In any event, she worked very hard to elect people who will do everything possible to deny her the benefits that come with achieving personhood. I like that about her. I wish more people would sacrifice their selfish desire to be treated with dignity in order to serve our betters more effectively.

Unfortunately, I can't say that I enjoyed her book. There was far too much technical jargon. Take the phrase "hoo hoo" for instance. She keeps referring to it like it's some kind of body part. I've never heard of it. Same goes for my wife, Ofjoshua. I asked her what a "hoo hoo" is, and she laughed and said, "Don't worry, you'll never see one."

I was also disappointed with all her allusions to women having homosexual sex. I don't know how many times I have to tell people this, but women can't have sex with each other. They don't have "little soldiers."

Richard Cohen: a white man's white man

Richard Cohen
Washington Post

Dear Mr. Cohen,

I knew you'd be called a racist for writing a column that was complementary of shopkeepers who deny service to negroes. It's to be expected in today's politically correct America. I've experienced it myself.

A couple of years ago, a whole family of negroes moved into our neighborhood. Of course, I immediately began to worry about my daughters and the other white women on the block. So I called the Imperial Wizard of our local Heritage Defense Association and asked him what we should do about it. He told me that he and a number of the other guys were holding a special meeting about the negroes that night and invited me to join them.

I usually wear my heritage appreciation robes to these events, but mine were dirty so I decided to wear a kilt and pillowcase with eye-holes cut out of it. I figured that a kilt expressed the same kind of appreciation for our heritage, especially since I had made mine out of an American flag.

We met that night at the church, and immediately, Cletis started making comments about how purty I looked in my "dress." I ignored his taunts for the most part, choosing only to remind the others that Cletis is a god damned liar and that no one should listen to him.

After a couple of speeches, we went down to the negroes' house to express our reservations about their decision to become our neighbors. Once there, we erected a cross, poured a few gallons of diesel fuel onto it, and lit it on fire. Our plan was to then run away. Unfortunately, Cletis chose that moment to start running his mouth again. I responded by hitting him with the shovel we brought to dig the post hole for the cross. That pissed him off so he shoved me, knocking me back into the blazing cross and causing my flag kilt to catch on fire. I immediately dropped my shovel and started to roll around on the ground like they teach you in the 3rd grade.

The next thing I know, the Imperial Wizard is screaming that I tried to burn Old Glory and then everybody starts laying into me with their boots and beating me with the shovel.

Just when I was sure they were going to beat me to death, the negroes ran out of their house, scaring the hell out of my Heritage Defense Association buddies, who quickly hightailed it out of there. Unfortunately, they left the shovel and now the negroes began pounding the crap out of me with it. Again, I thought I was going to die, but God eventually intervened in the form of the police. They arrested the negroes and took me off to the hospital.

You can probably guess the rest of the story. Two days later, the NAACP held a press conference, claiming that the Negroes were "victims" of racism, demanding their release, and calling for my arrest on hate crime charges. Of course the County Prosecutor, being French, gave into their demands and charged me.

Thank God my trial was moved to Simi Valley. The jury there understood that I was the true victim of racism.

So you see, I know just how you must feel. It's hard to be a white man in post-Klinton America.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Desi asserts that Mr. Cohen is the patriarch's patriarch

The General goes to Hell

Sorry about the hit and run posting today. I was going to put up a second post earlier, but apparently my hotel only offers wireless fifteen minutes a day. So for the last 4 hours, I've been exploring each of the 27 Starbucks on this Seattle block, looking for the one that is the least French. I finally settled on the big one in University Village because it offered the most privacy (everybody left when I pulled my .50 Cal Desert Eagle pistol on an elderly lady who was humming This Land is Your Land by Woody Guthrie, an avowed communist).

Anyway, I'm here in Starbucks Hell, and I'll soon post a letter to Richard Cohen, whom Desi insists isn't me.

Taking our anthem back

I don't think our nation will ever recover from the assault on our anthem, but Ferme d'Arbre de Paix has found a way to preempt any future attacks.

Outed

That bastard, Lafayette, knew what he was doing when he posted this quote from a Washington Post column:

The evidence he [Colin Powell] presented to the United Nations -- some of it circumstantial, some of it absolutely bone-chilling in its detail -- had to prove to anyone that Iraq not only hasn't accounted for its weapons of mass destruction but without a doubt still retains them. Only a fool -- or possibly a Frenchman -- could conclude otherwise.

It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together. Yes, I am Richard Cohen.

It's a nice day for a Heartland wedding

Sen. Kay O'Connor
Kansas State Senate

Dear Sen. O'Connor,

I've been a big fan of yours since I first learned of your efforts to repeal the Nineteenth Amendment. It's important work, and although it may not be as sexy as destroying the right to privacy, the resubjugation of America's women can't be accomplished without it.

Still, everything you've done thus far seems trivial when compared to your most recent battle to save the institution of marriage. I'm amazed that there even needs to be a battle at all. Do your opponents really believe that the right to marry should be denied to girls under the age of fifteen?

I can't believe that you were defeated. Citing Loretta Lynn and the Virgin Mary as examples of successful child brides was a brilliant move on your part. I don't understand why it wasn't successful.

Perhaps you need to try something different. A national security angle might be more effective. Yeah, I think that's it, and I have the perfect gimmick: a computer dating service where Department of Homeland Security officials could meet the thirteen-year-olds of their dreams. Think about it. Not only would it give you the national security angle you need, it'd also do a lot to lower the turnover rate at DHS.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Wounded in action

Earlier today (Sunday), I was fighting islamicommunistfacism by placing a new yellow ribbon magnet on my command vehicle when I fell, breaking my wrist. I waited until about 7PM before I decided I'd better see a doctor. Now, it's almost 11, and I'm just now returning. Between the Vicodin and the lateness of the hour, I won't be posting tonight. I apologize for that.

Everything should be OK. Only my left wrist was injured. Being right-handed, I'll still be able to salute Our Leader in that special way I like so much--I just won't be able to do it while I'm typing.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Buzzflash.

The 100th edition of Republican Jesus

This is my beloved lobbyist, in whom I am well pleased.



Republican Jesus mugs and shirts available here

Republican Jesus Archives.

Dusty Foggo comes through for the General

As many of you are aware, I've been trying to convince the Counter Intelligence Field Activity (CIFA) to buy me a Zenith P60W26P 60" Plasma Flat-Panel HDTV and a Sony DAV-FX100W Wireless Home Theater Dream System with all of the accessories for months. I think it's the least they could do given that they've been reading Jesus' General for nearly two years and have the black budget funding to do it. I even put the items on my Amazon Wish List to make it easier for them.

After getting no response from CIFA, I went over their heads to their boss at the Pentagon, Stephen A. Cambone, Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence. Again, my request was met with silence.

About a week ago, I decided to give it one more try. This time, I contacted Dusty Foggo, the Executive Director of the CIA. He has a lot of experience with black budget procurement and had worked very closely with a couple of CIFA contractors who had used CIFA money to buy Duke Cunningham a house. I figured he could either help CIFA figure out a way to get me my TV or he could ask them to work with the contractors, Brent Wilkes and Mitchell Wade to get me into a few harlot parties like the ones they threw for him.

I received my answer a few days later when I received a package of batteries from Amazon. The invoice appears below (I magnified and rearranged the note portion to fit my blog, but it is the original text).



So thank you Dusty. And thank you commenter John from Wyoming, who apparently works for CIFA, an organization that isn't homosexual, no matter what Cletis might say.