Joementum

So Ned Lamont raised $245,593.99 on the web compared to Sen. Lieberman's $359.00. That doesn't bother me. Joe doesn't need donations from a bunch of blog-reading Frenchmen. He's raking in the banking and insurance bucks.

Waiting for the FBI

Ann Coulter
Melanie Morgan
Newton Newton

Dear Mr. Coulter, Mrs Morgan, and Mr. Newton,

I couldn't contain my excitement when I read what each of you have planned for the New York Times. Ann's statement about blowing up their building made me choke on my Cheetos; I literally soiled my cammies when I read that Melanie wanted to lock the editors in a steel cage and kill them; and Newton's suggestion that patriots use Sulzberger for target practice woke my little soldier from his coma and prompted him to stand up and fire a series of salutes all over my keyboard.

I'm with you one hundred percent. Now it's time for us to take the next step and become domestic commandos. First, after we swear our allegiance to Our Leader, we'll need to each get a ninja outfit and a good pair of shoes. That shouldn't be hard. I'm told that the FBI has agents detailed for exactly that kind of thing. All we have to do is wait for our agent to show up. He'll bring the shoes and the outfits and then give us a few ideas about how to take out the Times. At least, that's how it worked in Miami.

All I need from you now is your ninja outfit and shoe sizes. Then it's just a matter of waiting for the FBI.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Happy Birthday Darryl

But screw your hominid agenda.

Al Gore is a terrorist

Here's what he said about Our Leader, recently in an interview for Rolling Stone:

Well, if you define the word "smart" in an antiseptic and clinical way that excludes any ethical dimension, then, yeah, I guess it was smart. Smart, if you're willing to say things that you know are not true. But that’s what Karl Rove is known for. Bush’s whole pose as a compassionate conservative was fraudulent. His budget was fraudulent. Even the idea that he would be staunchly opposed to nation building was fraudulent. I don't mean that he actually knew at the time of the campaign that he was going to invade Iraq — because I don’t think Cheney had told him yet [laughs]. But the statement on global warming, and the specific pledge to reduce CO2 emissions with the force of law, was part of a larger pattern. He was completely fraudulent from head to toe.

Vote in the $5 Primary and force Al Gore to face the draft.

Helmet tip to John.

BTW: Ofherself (my youngest), Ofjoshua, and I are going to make the trip into exotic Yakima tomorrow afternoon to see Gore's movie. If any Yakimanians are interested in joining us, please send me an email.

More than just a beaver hunt

I always get a kick out of just how little the French know about the things manly Republican men do. For instance, take this post at TPM Muckraker about Tom Delay's recent stint as a blue comic at a Safari Club International function. Muckraker describes the organization as a simple "gun-lobby group defending man's right to defend himself against unarmed animals." But hunters like Deputy Leader Dick and Tom Delay know it's much more than that:

Safari Club International (SCI) [is] an extreme trophy hunting organization that advocates the killing of rare species around the world.

[...]

The Arizona-based SCI has made a name for itself as one of the most extreme and elite trophy hunting organizations, representing some 40,000 wealthy trophy collectors, fostering and promoting competitive trophy hunting of exotic animals on five continents. SCI members shoot prescribed lists of animals to win so-called Grand Slam and Inner Circle titles. There's the Africa Big Five (leopard, elephant, lion, rhino, and buffalo), the North American Twenty Nine (all species of bear, bison, sheep, moose, caribou, and deer), Big Cats of the World, Antlered Game of the Americas, and many other contests.

To complete all 29 award categories, a hunter must kill a minimum of 322 separate species and sub-species - enough to populate a large zoo. This is an extremely expensive and lengthy task, and many SCI members take the quick and easy route to see their names in the record books. They shoot captive animals in canned hunts, both in the United States and overseas, and some engage in other unethical conduct like shooting animals over bait, from vehicles, with spotlights, or on the periphery of national parks.

SCI members have even tried to circumvent federal laws to import their rare trophies from other countries. Prominent SCI hunter Kenneth E. Behring donated $100 million to the Smithsonian's Natural History Museum and, according to published reports, tried to get the museum's help in importing a rare Kara Tau argali sheep which he shot in Kazakhstan and had shipped to a Canadian taxidermist - one of only 100 Kara Tau argali sheep remaining in the world.

Elsewhere: I write a letter to former SCI lobbyist and acting director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Matthew J. Hogan, asking for permission to shoot an ivory billed woodpecker.

SCI's website.

Their rhino trophy form (pdf).

Investing in a future where we can be proud once again

It's the last day of fundraising for the quarter. Campaigns are judged by the amount of money they're able to raise. A few dollars now can leverage a lot of support later.

I'll admit I'm selfish, but I'd like to bring Rep. Dave Reichert home. As the King County Sheriff, he ran his department in a way that was exciting. It made us feel like we had one of those old-style graft-driven police departments you see on the East Coast. It was like living in the movie, Serpico, without a Serpico. You can help make that happen by donating a few bucks to Darcy Burner. I know it's hard to give money to someone so beloved by the Drinking Liberalists and blogofascists of the Northwest, but hey, think Serpico without a Serpico.

I'm still convinced that if we can force AL Gore to face the draft, he'll take the same honorable route our most esteemed Republican heroes, men like Our Leader, Deputy Leader Dick, Tom DeLay, and Uncle Justice Thomas, took when they faced the draft during Vietnam. So please consider casting your vote in the $5 primary.

And let's not forget Our Leader's favorite flesh puppet, Joe Lieberman. By giving a little love to to Ned Lamont, you can help to ensure that our dear Joe is available to replace Donald "The Ed Wood of Warfare" Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense.

Maybe he was undercover

From KVUE News:

The commander of the Utah Highway Patrol's drunken driving unit has been cited for driving under the influence of alcohol after crashing his cruiser into a concrete barrier, authorities said Thursday.

Lt. Fred Swain veered off the shoulder of a highway in Draper early last Friday, overcorrected and hit the barrier that separates the lanes, Lt. Doug McCleve said.

Swain said he fell asleep at the wheel, but officers suspected he had been drinking, said Draper police Sgt. Scott Peck. Swain initially refused to submit to a breathalyzer test until two patrol captains talked to him, Peck said.

The test showed that Swain's blood-alcohol level was nearly 0.12 percent, Peck said. Utah's legal limit is 0.08 percent.

Swain was placed on paid administrative leave while the patrol conducts an internal investigation.

Contacted by KSL-TV on Thursday, Swain said it was not in his best interest to comment.

Defend the Aristocracy

I've obtained a copy of the storyboard Sen. Frist is using for his inheritance tax repeal ad.

Sen. Dr. William Frist, MD narrates.











How you can help.

Interesting info on the taxation differences between God's chosen and those He's blessed with poverty.

World 'O Funny.

One of my homies in terms of undisclosed locations, SZ of World O' Crap, has a new book out. I haven't read it yet, but if I did, and I had a sense of humor, I'm sure I'd think it was funnier than hell. Her writing always is.

Support one of the Francosphere's best. Buy her book.

Satan wins

It's a dark day in the Beehive State.

Romancing Righty

I'm absolutely disgusted with those in the Francosphere who wonder aloud why Rush Limbaugh, armed only with a bottle of bootleg Viagra, would travel alone to "one of the underage sex capitals of the world." There are plenty of innocent explanations for it. Heck, I do something similar every few months when I decide to treat "Righty" to a romantic weekend.

I usually try to surprise her by suddenly stopping at Wal-Mart and buying her a sexy glove. Then, our bags secretly packed and in the trunk, we drive directly to some exotic place like Yakima or Wenatchee. Righty fixes me a drink on the way and slips a boner pill or two into it. Then, she drives me nuts with zipper play until we reach the motel. We're both so hot by the time I unlock the door to our room, we start making love immediately--we don't even take time to turn on wrestling on the tee vee.

My little soldier spent, I take Righty out for a waxing and a manicure--she loves being pampered--after that, it's dinner and drinks and back to the motel for some more loving while we watch Bill O'Reilly. Sometimes there's a little role playing involved. Our favorite game is "The Construction Worker and the Proctologist."

That's pretty much what we do for the next two days. It's all dining, drinking, lovemaking, and Bill O'Reilly until Sunday afternoon when I look at my hairless right hand and my "passion red" colored fingernails and realize that I've been making it with transvestite man hand. Then, I beat the living shit out of myself with my manly left fist.

That brings me back to Rush. Has anyone seen a picture of him since the arrest? Does he have a black eye?

An Emergency Vodka Cart Too Far

My inner Frenchman responds to Christopher Hitchens' swipe at Operation Yellow Elephant.

Rush's relaxation regimen

An entry in the Official Dominican Republic Tour Guide of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution.

And another entry from the Clergy Edition.

I'm sure Rush has a good explanation for this.

Maybe they were the Pills of Freedom.

French cake

Happy birthday to No Blood for Hubris.

Candidate battles Satan for Republican nod

John Jacob
Candidate, US Congress (Utah 3)

Dear Mr. Jacob,

You are right. Satan doesn't want you to go to Washington and is actively working to destroy your campaign. How else can you explain that just a little over a month ago, you beat your opponent at the Utah State Republican Convention but are now struggling to stay even on the eve of the primary. Certainly, the Prince of Darkness, aided by gentiles* and brown people, has hardened the hearts of voters against you.

Today, I saw Satan's ratfucking operation in action at sacrament meeting. I arrived early to get a good seat and found that someone had placed your campaign buttons on the pews, face down with the needles bent upward. Obviously, The Deceiver was trying to destroy you by poking worshippers in the ass with your campaign materials.

Well, tomorrow's your big day. Will Utah Republicans cast their votes for you, Tom Tancredo, and racial purity, or will they cast their lot with Cannon, Satan, and Mexicans?

You know Beelzebub and his minions will be out there getting out the vote for your opponent. You'll need to counter their operation by stationing at least one pair of elders at the entrance of each polling place, where they can take hold of the voters as they arrive, anoint them with oil, and then use the power of the holy Melchizedek Priesthood to rebuke the demons inside them.

After that, it's all in God's hands.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You might also consider arming the elders with pointed sticks to use against the Mexicans.

*In Utah, all non-Mormons, even Jews, are considered to be gentiles.

A helmet tip to Darryl of Hominid Views.

I can't stop

Let's continue with our Bruno/Borat weekend. But just so I don't feel bad, let me pitch Sasha Baron Cohen's DVDs, where you can see this and more with a lot more clarity.



Bruno discusses reparative therapy with a pastor.



And goes on Spring Break with some wrestlers.

Waters of Genesis

I was having lunch with Ofjoshua and some friends the other day, when I overheard a fascinating conversation between a pastor and a couple of parishioners at the next table. He was discussing a product called Vivo Water. He said that it is processed in such a way that by drinking it, you could taste what water tasted like on the day of creation.

Intrigued, I googled it when I got home. Here's what I found:

Long-story-short: Like everything else on earth, water degrades over time. "Vivo" is water restored back to the way it was when God created it 6000 years ago. The metabolic aide and healing properties of Vivo are so great, Dr. Carl Baugh (founder of the Creation Evidence Museum in Glen Rose, TX - www.creationevidence.org) devoted two entire episodes of his TBN program ("Creation in the 21st Century") just to Vivo. The wife of one of the researchers involved claimed Vivo cured her fibromyalgia. She also said her son's wart was gone after three days of having a Vivo-soaked cotton-ball bandaged to it! A losing olympic swimming team started winning after they started drinking Vivo; the other teams were so shocked at their improvement, they demanded they be tested for steroids! When I drink Vivo, I feel 10 pounds lighter and I don't get thirsty as quickly as I do after drinking regular water. They say you can use it topically and they're right - when I smear it on my chapped lips, they instantly stop hurting, and when I rub it on cuts and scrapes, they instantly stop stinging and they heal ten times faster! My father says Vivo gives him more energy. My mother says it "rejuvenates" her. When my brother-in-law's brother drank a Vivo for the first time, he was amazed - he said it was "smooth" and the best water he ever drank. Two friends of my mother said they could feel difference. People who say "water is water" don't know what they're talking about.

Wanting to learn more, I checked out a few more sites and found this:

Emoto has been conducting worldwide research on the effect of ideas, words, and music upon the molecules of water, and the descriptions below are taken from the book of his published results.

The photo on the left is of a frozen water sample from the lake at Fujiwara Dam, in Japan. As you can see, the water's structure is dark and amorphous, with no crystalline formations.

After the above water sample had been taken, the Reverend Kato Hoki, chief priest of the Jyuhouin Temple, made a one-hour prayer practice beside the dam. After that, new water samples were taken, frozen and photographed. As you can see (at right), the change is stunning--the ugly blob of the former sample has become a clear, bright-white hexagonal crystal-within-a-crystal.

[...]

When the words "thank you" were taped to a bottle of distilled water, the frozen crystals had a similar shape to the crystals formed by water that had been exposed to Bach's "Goldberg Variations" (see right) -- music composed out of gratitude to the man it was named for.

[...]

Of great interest for healing and just day-to-day well being is the extreme effect upon water crystals of negative words and ideas. When the words "Adolf Hitler" were taped to a bottle of distilled water, the results seen at left were obtained.

Here, you can see the results of taping the words "You Fool" to a container of distilled water. Interestingly, the pattern made by "You Fool" was almost identical to the pattern that emerged when heavy metal music was played. Masaru Emoto wonders in his book whether perhaps heavy metal musicians look upon people as fools.