A warning to the francosphere

When someone like Marshall Whitman writes that he'll "be damned if he stands by while another progressive leader [Joe Lieberman] suffers the disgraceful treatment that was accorded [Hubert Humphrey] so long ago," you should listen to him. After all, as a former lobbyist for both the Heritage Foundation and the Christian Coalition, he certainly knows what's good for progressives.

Hannicatch of the week

I don't know how I'm going to pull my inner Frenchman out of his funk, but usually, a little Hannidate matchmaking does the trick. So ladies, if you're interested in helping (not hindering) a man drink his beer while he watches Fox News, then this Sean Hannity fan is the guy for you.



Previous Hannicatches:

Likes to go on long romantic pogroms against Mexicans.

A twofer. He's a Christian ninja. She's tired of waiting for God to slam his immaculate salami home.

A match for a billionaire.

Wants stupid woman with big breasts.

No Coloreds

Republican Fundraiser

Kentucky Thoroughbred

Headlights of Morality

Snowflakes in Hell

It's very hard to write anything humorous or snarky after seeing pictures like those the Jivester posted yesterday. It's been nearly 14 hours since I first saw them, and I'm still a mess.

Fuck you, Pamela. Fuck you, Ben. Fuck you, Anchoress.

MJS's pictures (warning, they are extremely graphic). Fuck you again, Ben Stein, you insufferable prick.

Here's your kittens

Thanks to everyone who contributed. I really appreciate it.

A lot of you asked for new kitten pics. This is about the best I could do right now. Oftom freaks out when I shoot these.

This is the kitten formerly known as "Gone-When-Weaned." Now she's called Moe in honor of her mohawk hairstyle.



Here are all four Kitties of the Apocalypse.



And in case you missed it, the martini man is Hitler cat blogging.

et tu, Howard?

Once again, the liberal media tries to marginalize my important conservative message by calling it humor.

One more post on this

If you have a few bucks you can spare to contribute to Jesus' General, I'd appreciate it. As I wrote earlier, don't feel bad if you can't, or feel pressured if you don't want to. There's no subscription here.

You can either send your donation via the Paypal link in my sidebar (I can't seem to get it to work, here) or through Amazon.

Thanks again,

JC

Rescuing the tiniest Americans

Sen. Sam Brownback
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Brownback,

I really enjoyed your presentation on the rights of blastocyst-Americans. I was particularly impressed by the drawing the little girl made showing the unhappy frozen blastocysts who failed to be adopted into good Christian homes--they were extremely cute little clumps of protoplasm despite the frowns they had on their crudely drawn faces.

It got me to thinking that the reason we have such a hard time convincing people to defend these tiny citizens might be because actual blastocysts-Americans are pretty gosh darned ugly. It's just very hard to like a glob of goo. By gussying them up in her drawing, the little girl made them endearing. That's why your presentation was so successful.

I'd like to do the same thing for spermatazoan-Americans. They too suffer the curse of not being very photogenic. I think that might be the reason so few men protect them as I do by storing them in mason jars down in the cellar.

Being a heterosexual man, I don't know a lot about making things pretty, so I asked my wife, Ofjoshua, for a little help. You can see the results of her efforts in the enclosed photo--my, that's a fine looking bottle of spermatazoan-Americans, isn't it.

I'd like to send it to you, so that you could use it in a presentation on the plight of these squirmy little citizens. Perhaps you could use it to pass a bill requiring men to do more to save them.

To which office should I send it, DC or Topeka?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Doing my part for Joe

I'm campaigning for His Holiness at Lac Chien du Feu.

Lean Summers

Ofjoshua being a teacher, Summers are always a little lean for us. If you'd like to contribute a few bucks to Jesus' General, it'd be appreciated. Don't feel bad if you can't, or feel pressured if you don't want to. There's no subscription here.

You can donate by clicking one of the links below:

(Paypal doesn't seem to work here, but the paypal link in my side bar works)

Amazon Donation Box

Biff the Elderly Bison buys the farm

One of the most cherished notions we hold as conservatives is the belief that government should be run like a business. It has been an article of faith for patriots since the reign of St Ronnie (or Grandpa Caligula as I like to call him--the friendly yet imperial sound of it appeals to me). Unfortunately, our domestic enemies hate the capitalist system and oppose our effort to corporatize government. Indeed, they do all they can to destroy those who attempt to make such changes.

Their latest victim is David P. Smith, a Department of Interior official. Entrepreneurial and vicariously courageous, Smith is the very model of what a modern Republican man should be. That's why Our Leader appointed him to be the Deputy Assistant Secretary for Fish, Wildlife and Parks.

Smith went to work transforming his fiefdom into a business almost immediately, negotiating a deal in which he was allowed to shoot a buffalo in exchange for helping a billionaire-American named Dan Duncan obtain a special exotic animal import designation for the Port of Houston.

The deal went down without a hitch. Duncan's men drove Smith up to an elderly buffalo (I like to think his name was Biff) and he shot it in the eye. A month later, the Port of Houston received its exotic animal designation. Everyone was happy. Duncan had his designation and Smith had Biff's head on his wall and hooves serving as bookends for his extensive collection of gladiator books.

Unfortunately, our internal enemies got wind of the deal and started to raise hell about it. Unwilling to even entertain the idea that Smith's actions exemplified the kind of entrepreneurial spirit that made this nation great, they focused on a technical violation of the law, calling it bribery, as if exploiting one's power as a government official for personal gain is somehow unethical.

Smith fought hard against their charges, but in the end, he was forced to resign. That's a shame. Although some might call him a villain, I prefer to think of him as a true conservative hero, just like Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, and Jerry Lewis.

Update: According to the article linked to above, Mr Duncan is a big contributor to Safari Club International, an organization whose name has come up before in scandals relating to this administration. I've written about them before, here and here.

Mirror Images

Two posters from the same comment thread:

FUCK THE AY-RABS! FUCK THE AY-RABS! Kill all 1.3 billion of them, take their fucking oil and feed their carcasses to the pigs! The ay-rab pussies havent beaten the western powers in a major battle in the last 2 thousand years. They are only falling farther behind with their antiquated culture and backward thinking. Death to the pathetically powerless ay-rabs!!!!
A good ol' boy | 07.19.06 - 8:41 pm | #

A good ol' boy, read the Old Testament in your jew-book. You are considered an animal in your own doctrine, Yahweh and Son Inc.
Countrolled by Hatred | 07.19.06 - 8:31 pm | #

Happy Blogtopia Day

It's the day following Blogosphere Day, and you know what that means: it's Blogtopia Day, the holiday created to honor Skippy for coining the word "blogtopia." We celebrate it by going over to his blog and praising his word-coining abilities. This year, he blesses us with real journalism.

German Chancellor ruins Blogosphere Day

Today is Blogosphere Day. The French are asking people to donate to Ned Lamont (Howie Klein's even giving away CDs).

I can't wait to hear them whine when they learn that Sen. Lieberman picked up an endorsement from Angela Merkel.



More on Our Leader's groping habit.

Previous ads:
Endorsed by the Inquisitor General
Dick Cheney Endorsement (Mad as Zell)
Lynne Cheney Endorsement
Gannon Endorsement (Manwhores for Joe)

TV ads

The Bear
Loves Our Leader, Hates Grandmothers

Elsewhere: Lafayette hates Joe in the LA Times.

Update: Although I believe that inappropriate touching is a power granted to the President under Article 2 of the Constitution, I'm wondering if that's what really happened here. Merkel looks a lot like Harriet Miers, especially after a few drinks. Maybe Harriet and George have something consensual going on (remember her notes?) and he mistook Merkel for Miers after he had a few. There'd be nothing wrong with Our Leader having a concubine. He's our King David.

A Lebanese perspective

Not to be confused with the Lebanese perspective. It's worth a look.

Ava Lowery targets Sen Santorum

I don't understand this new generation. You've all seen Ava Lowery's animations attacking the Glorious Struggle to Resubjugate the Brown People. Now, she's taking on His Holiness, St. Ricky of the Hound Humpers.

Packing heat in the House

Rep. Wallace Scarborough
South Carolina House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Scarborough,

I don't know what this country's coming to. In the old days, a legislator could take a few shots at a couple of utility workers and nobody would give a damn. Now, they arrest you for it.

Well, at least you were lucky enough to retain Rep. Altman as your attorney. He's a fighter. I'll never forget the time when he took on the bonobo lobby and passed legislation criminalizing their disgusting sexual practices.

Still, I'm not sure I agree with the approach he's taking. He started out right. Demanding an apology from South Carolina Electric and Gas for causing you to shoot at their employees was a good opening move. But I think it was a mistake to claim that the gun was fired by accident. It just doesn't seem to ring true considering that you're a Citadel graduate with an A grade from the National Rifle Association. You obviously know how to handle a firearm.

Perhaps a better approach would be to claim that the SCE&G workers snuck up behind you while you were hunting quail. You could say your dog flushed a bird, you swung around, fired, and almost shot one of them in the face. That's a defense that seems to work.

Of course, you could always tell the truth. The SCE&G workers were dark brown, weren't they? If that's the case, there isn't a jury in the Heartland that'd convict you. There isn't anything in the world that scares a man like you and me more than the thought of dark brown men running around our neighborhood. For all you knew, those two might have been sneaking around your yard, looking for an opportunity to make off with your women.

Best of luck on your trial.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Special Op "Faux Warrior" Day Three

The enemy is wiley, but Mike has some advice:

1. Pretend to be a moderate conservative that agrees with the host when you reach the screener. Listen to the program, find something silly to agree with, add your own dash of spice and spit it out for the screener when asked. For instance, today’s question was “Is this WWIII?” You could have called and said “Yes, this is WWIII, and it’s about time. Israel has been so oppressed for so long - how much longer are they supposed to worry about riding the busses to work? We take so much for granted here in the US, it’s hard for us to imagine how the people live in Israel. But I know if it were me, I’d be welcoming the opportunity to finish this once and for all.”
2. Hold for as long as it takes for them to take your call and then give them about half of your talking point before launching into an appeal for Kilmeade to fight the war himself. He’s damned good at cheering war on - and with all that make-up, he looks pretty doing it - but why doesn’t he put his own as in the fire?

Target: "The Brian [Kilm*ade of Fox] and the Judge Radio Show"

Objective: Convince Brian to transfer from the 101st Fighting Newsreaders to the regular army.

Mission: Call his show at 1 866 408 7669 between 9 and noon Eastern. Those who complete the mission successfully will have recordings of their calls posted on Calling All Wingnuts.

Previous Actions: Mike Stark of Calling All Wingnuts made it on the air three times (first call, second, third).

God revokes pride parade permit

Christine Darg
Exploit Ministries

Dear Mrs. Darg,

God works in mysterious ways. We all know that, but that doesn't prevent us from being surprised when we see his mysterious ways in action And surprised I was when I read the following passage from your blog, ellipses and all:

Military events in Israel are now likely to force the cancellation of the World Pride homosexual desecration of Jerusalem next month.

Believers in Israel and all over the world have been bombarding Heaven for God to intervene. . ..But sometimes God answers in ways that nobody wants. War is never pleasant, but its security demands take precedence over something as frivolous as a gay parade.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that God would use a war to put the kibosh on a homosexual pride parade. After all, He once destroyed a whole city with fire and brimstone for pretty much the same thing. Of course, he offered the people another option, sex with Lot's daughters, before destroying them. It's a shame you didn't think of that before God had to intervene this time. You might have prevented this war had you put in a little quality time with the parade organizers.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

John Stossel solves the healthcare crisis

John Stossel
ABC News

Dear Mr. Stossel,

It wasn't easy being a libertarian before you came along. Between the pocket protectors and the solitary nature of our love lives, economic libertarians garnered little respect. You changed that. You made it safe for us to worship the Free Market Fairy in public again. You did it by boldly championing free market principles like the right to sell $20 bottles of water to desperate Katrina survivors and again, more recently, when you endorsed the creation of unregulated organ markets.

I think that last idea, selling organs, might be something Our Leader and his servants in Congress could get behind. Indeed, it's the kind of thing that they could use to convince the public that they're actually doing something to address the healthcare crisis.

Think about it. This is our answer to demands for universal healthcare. No one need worry about the cost of chemotherapy as long as he or she a family member or two who's willing to part with a kidney. If family members are reluctant to part with their internal capital assets, then the patient can always mortgage their corneas or sell their tainted bone marrow to a less ethical organ broker. Everybody wins in the end.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Random kitten blogging

This is the one I call "Don't-Get-Attached." I'm not sure I still like that name.

You can also see parts of "Gone-When-Weaned" and "Short-Term-Visitor" in the picture. I'm not sure I still like those names either.

Little "Oh-God-Not-Another-One" is off looking at things with his newly-opened eye. Once he gets that down, he'll open the other and experiment with depth perception.

Reminder

Operation Yellow Elephant Special Op

Target: "The Brian [Kilm*ade of Fox] and the Judge Radio Show"

Objective: Convince Brian to transfer from the 101st Fighting Newsreaders to the regular army.

Mission: Call his show at 1 866 408 7669 between 9 and noon Eastern. Those who complete the mission successfully will have recordings of their calls posted on Calling All Wingnuts.

Previous Actions: Mike Stark of Calling All Wingnuts made it on the air three times (first call, second, third).

Mike has an update and some hints

Another ad for Joe

More here.